I feel my chances of sobriety do not exist
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 11
I feel my chances of sobriety do not exist
this may be tl;dr for most people. I am just desperate for help and feel death is my only way out. I will try make this as short as possible but no promises.
I am 26
I started drinking every night at 13. My dad homebrewed beer at 7%, all I had to do was walk into the laundry (where he homebrewed) and there was always between 50 - 100 tallies (750 mils) so I would chuck 2 in the freezer an hour before i 'went to bed'. Which was just me going into my room and drinking, also i smoked pot from 12 every night which I won't mention further because this post is about my alcoholism.
At this time if I could not be bothered drinking beer I would just hit my mums cask of wine from the fridge. I only went to sleep by passing out. I had great and caring parents but had emotional problems my whole life and exasperated by a few years of sexual abuse from 7-10, I am only thankful it was by an older girl not a male.
I'll skip a bit. When I left school at 16 I started an engineering apprenticeship at this stage my mother would buy me cartons of beer because a) I was 'apparently' going somewhere and b) she was just over me drinking all her alcohol
around this time when I would drink with friends I would be finishing my 4th drink as they were starting their second, nothing mattered to me but alcohol so I slowly isolated myself and chose to drink alone rather than going to parties. I was also in the process of developing schizophrenia at this point, which is just a footnote as this story is just about my drinking.
At 18 I started working at a supermarket full time - 38 hours a week. I would struggle through my shifts and hit the bottleshop on the way home. I was drinking only 12 beers a night.
After four years of this work I acquired a lower back injury and after being on 'light duties' for 6 months lost my job because I was in pain all day and was not getting better.
22-
Because I was now broke I started drinking 3 bottles of $4 dollar wine a day - around 24 standard drinks, starting at about 2pm so I always got wasted.
at 23 I received a substantial payout for compensation so all i did was buy a carton of beer at 9 am - the second the Bottleshop opened.. drank all day for a few months till it just wasn't hitting the spot.
So I started buying a 1.5 litre bottle of bourbon and a carton of beer for chasers. I would usually finish the bottle in about 2 hours and only really got through 6-8 beers. cause the beers didn't really matter. After a few months of this my tounge was literally about 85% swollen white ulcer I had trouble talking, it still did not stop me - I was drinking to kill myself it just never worked ( even though often I swallowed handfulls of valium and xanax to get the job done).
Eventually I agreed to go to rehab. I spent a month there and had to do a whole bunch of counselling and all that ****. The day I got out I bought a bottle of Tequilla and carton of beer. Finished the bottle in an hour with only four beers as chasers, when my mum came home she thought I was dead - no such luck.
(I'm wrapping this up, sorry for the long post) I now live alone in my own unit and drink 10 beers and 6 cans of 9% bourbon a day - approximately 23 standard drinks.
Every morning I wake up with no desire to drink but at some point (around 10am) I get a thought in my head that tells me I have to get completely wasted because I hate myself and want to die when I'm not drunk. As I'm walking to the liquor store I keep thinking I don't even want to drink and "oh **** I'm so dehydrated I just want to go home and drink water and gatorade all day".
I also often throw up after my first sip of alcohol ( I do have a stomach ulcer)
but as soon as alcohol hits my bloodstream I can drink any and everything I can find then go and buy more. I just have no idea how to fix myself
I am 26
I started drinking every night at 13. My dad homebrewed beer at 7%, all I had to do was walk into the laundry (where he homebrewed) and there was always between 50 - 100 tallies (750 mils) so I would chuck 2 in the freezer an hour before i 'went to bed'. Which was just me going into my room and drinking, also i smoked pot from 12 every night which I won't mention further because this post is about my alcoholism.
At this time if I could not be bothered drinking beer I would just hit my mums cask of wine from the fridge. I only went to sleep by passing out. I had great and caring parents but had emotional problems my whole life and exasperated by a few years of sexual abuse from 7-10, I am only thankful it was by an older girl not a male.
I'll skip a bit. When I left school at 16 I started an engineering apprenticeship at this stage my mother would buy me cartons of beer because a) I was 'apparently' going somewhere and b) she was just over me drinking all her alcohol
around this time when I would drink with friends I would be finishing my 4th drink as they were starting their second, nothing mattered to me but alcohol so I slowly isolated myself and chose to drink alone rather than going to parties. I was also in the process of developing schizophrenia at this point, which is just a footnote as this story is just about my drinking.
At 18 I started working at a supermarket full time - 38 hours a week. I would struggle through my shifts and hit the bottleshop on the way home. I was drinking only 12 beers a night.
After four years of this work I acquired a lower back injury and after being on 'light duties' for 6 months lost my job because I was in pain all day and was not getting better.
22-
Because I was now broke I started drinking 3 bottles of $4 dollar wine a day - around 24 standard drinks, starting at about 2pm so I always got wasted.
at 23 I received a substantial payout for compensation so all i did was buy a carton of beer at 9 am - the second the Bottleshop opened.. drank all day for a few months till it just wasn't hitting the spot.
So I started buying a 1.5 litre bottle of bourbon and a carton of beer for chasers. I would usually finish the bottle in about 2 hours and only really got through 6-8 beers. cause the beers didn't really matter. After a few months of this my tounge was literally about 85% swollen white ulcer I had trouble talking, it still did not stop me - I was drinking to kill myself it just never worked ( even though often I swallowed handfulls of valium and xanax to get the job done).
Eventually I agreed to go to rehab. I spent a month there and had to do a whole bunch of counselling and all that ****. The day I got out I bought a bottle of Tequilla and carton of beer. Finished the bottle in an hour with only four beers as chasers, when my mum came home she thought I was dead - no such luck.
(I'm wrapping this up, sorry for the long post) I now live alone in my own unit and drink 10 beers and 6 cans of 9% bourbon a day - approximately 23 standard drinks.
Every morning I wake up with no desire to drink but at some point (around 10am) I get a thought in my head that tells me I have to get completely wasted because I hate myself and want to die when I'm not drunk. As I'm walking to the liquor store I keep thinking I don't even want to drink and "oh **** I'm so dehydrated I just want to go home and drink water and gatorade all day".
I also often throw up after my first sip of alcohol ( I do have a stomach ulcer)
but as soon as alcohol hits my bloodstream I can drink any and everything I can find then go and buy more. I just have no idea how to fix myself
NAIOU
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Last house on the block.
Posts: 359
If you are trying to kill your self it sounds like you are doing a good job of it. If you keep doing what you are doing it will happen and you will die. You are so young and have so much to live for and you don't even know it. Getting drunk is a job in its self. Getting into recovery is a full time job. There are a lot of people here at SR that are willing to help you. It is up to you to seek out that help. Ask and you will receive help. No mater what good luck on your journey. Love and Respect. Logo
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Texas, a state of mind
Posts: 380
Welcome NoLonger! (see how I cleverly shortened up your screen name? 
)
I believe you can step away from alcohol and never look back. I have complete confidence in you.
I admire how your post stayed focused on alcohol even though it noted several other issues in passing. That focus and mental strength will serve you well in your future.
Keep reading on this forum and check out all the different ways people have gotten and stayed sober and healthy - then choose a way that seems attractive to you.
Looking forward to reading more of your posts!
)I believe you can step away from alcohol and never look back. I have complete confidence in you.
I admire how your post stayed focused on alcohol even though it noted several other issues in passing. That focus and mental strength will serve you well in your future.
Keep reading on this forum and check out all the different ways people have gotten and stayed sober and healthy - then choose a way that seems attractive to you.
Looking forward to reading more of your posts!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
hi nolongerknow
I'm sorry you feel so low, and think the situations hopeless - but I think most of us felt that way.
It's not a hopeless situation and neither are you
5 years ago I was an all day everyday drinker living alone - I'd done that day in adn day out for 5 years.
Your life sounds a lot like mine was....but I stopped - and this place had a lot to do with it.
I knew I was a better man than I was letting myself be, and I knew I deserved a better life than the one I was allowing myself to lead.
Drinking had gotten me nowhere, so I decided I had to try something different.
It wasn't always easy, and I had to make a lot of changes in my life - but getting sober was the best thing I ever did for myself.
Supports really important though - you'll find a lot of that here tho
Are you thinking of some face to face support too? Groups like AA, or SMART (non 12 step)?
D
I'm sorry you feel so low, and think the situations hopeless - but I think most of us felt that way.
It's not a hopeless situation and neither are you
5 years ago I was an all day everyday drinker living alone - I'd done that day in adn day out for 5 years.
Your life sounds a lot like mine was....but I stopped - and this place had a lot to do with it.
I knew I was a better man than I was letting myself be, and I knew I deserved a better life than the one I was allowing myself to lead.
Drinking had gotten me nowhere, so I decided I had to try something different.
It wasn't always easy, and I had to make a lot of changes in my life - but getting sober was the best thing I ever did for myself.
Supports really important though - you'll find a lot of that here tho
Are you thinking of some face to face support too? Groups like AA, or SMART (non 12 step)?
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,226
My heart goes out to you, and my thoughts are with you. Death is not the only way out. I can promise you that. You can get better.
But you are going to have to make drastic changes. Can you detox in a facility? Keep posting, and we will help you as your help yourself. You are not alone, and you can get sober.
Reach out to anyone and anyplace you know of to assess your options. And keep checking in with us.
But you are going to have to make drastic changes. Can you detox in a facility? Keep posting, and we will help you as your help yourself. You are not alone, and you can get sober.
Reach out to anyone and anyplace you know of to assess your options. And keep checking in with us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 11
I am overwhelmed and flattered by the immediate responses. I have been on Naltrexone in the past, I actually went to the doc and asked for Anta-Buse - the drug that makes you throw up if you drink but he would not prescribe that, because of other mental health issues. He said If I was in a state that I needed escape from and couldn't get it because of the anta-buse it would be not good, so to speak. I have also tried AA, which I found much to religious in one way or another and very cliquey. The end of last year I went to a church and spoke to some people who worked there, I was in a homeless type housing at the time. Again I found it too intense for me. I visited this site 2 or 3 years ago and found it intriguing and accepting. tonight I joined because I am over my life being ruled by alcohol, again thank-you for your responses, I really hope to start my recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: North America
Posts: 1,628
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 6
Hi Nolongerknow,
I just joined, but felt compelled to reply to your post. You don't have to live this way anymore. You can change your life and you will get better. I agree with change4good -- there is hope. If drinking is something you've been doing everyday, changing this is going to change your life but for the GOOD of your life. Drastic changes but remember if there is no struggle, there is no progress. I wish you the best and please keep us updated. We are here to support and encourage you, you don't have to do this alone.
I just joined, but felt compelled to reply to your post. You don't have to live this way anymore. You can change your life and you will get better. I agree with change4good -- there is hope. If drinking is something you've been doing everyday, changing this is going to change your life but for the GOOD of your life. Drastic changes but remember if there is no struggle, there is no progress. I wish you the best and please keep us updated. We are here to support and encourage you, you don't have to do this alone.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
here's some aussie links - you might find the counselling ones helpful
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2273689
you'll also find a link for SMART in there - it's a recovery programme but secular and not 12 step based...might worth a look
SMART Recovery Australia |
D
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2273689
you'll also find a link for SMART in there - it's a recovery programme but secular and not 12 step based...might worth a look
SMART Recovery Australia |
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
welcome to a place none of us planned on being at! i can relate to what you are feeling. the pain of getting drunk has exceeded the pain of reality. i wa to the point of desperation on 2/22/05. i got it from my head to my heart that alcohol was the problem in my life( actually, i was only existing). i didnt dring that day and was thinkg of ways to fix me. everything i had tried in the past came through my head, but i knew none of it worked. i hated myself like i had never hated before. i felt useless and worthless.
i narrowed my choices down to 2: go to AA or kill myself. i chose AA and see what happens. i was gonna give it 90 days, do what they said to do, and if i didnt change, the kill myself.
ya know what one of my 1st lesson was?? my thinking got me there and my thinking wasnt gonnna fix me!!! wow!!! dont know iffen i ever heard that before, but i heard it then and knew it!
AA is NOT a religious program! if ya pick up the big book andread it, you will see what its all about and you will also find it is written all about you.
"trying" any means to get sober dooms an alcoholic to get drunk again. we MUST get into action and DO footwork to change ourselves. please decide to put in the footwork to change you and, given time, you will stop existing and start living!!
i narrowed my choices down to 2: go to AA or kill myself. i chose AA and see what happens. i was gonna give it 90 days, do what they said to do, and if i didnt change, the kill myself.
ya know what one of my 1st lesson was?? my thinking got me there and my thinking wasnt gonnna fix me!!! wow!!! dont know iffen i ever heard that before, but i heard it then and knew it!
AA is NOT a religious program! if ya pick up the big book andread it, you will see what its all about and you will also find it is written all about you.
"trying" any means to get sober dooms an alcoholic to get drunk again. we MUST get into action and DO footwork to change ourselves. please decide to put in the footwork to change you and, given time, you will stop existing and start living!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Originally Posted by homeandaway 
I hope you work this out, you can always go to AA while you think about what you want to do, maybe just hang out there to feel a bit better about life and what you can have for yourself?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 879
Welcome nolongerknow I think it's really good that you're reaching out here. I too drank horrid crazy amounts and my alcoholism manifested itself in many nasty physical and mental ways. Sometimes when we're down in the spiral of depression, alcoholism, hopelessness, it is so hard to see that there will ever be a brighter day. Everyday blends, everyday drunk, your life slips past 
Please don't give up, as the thing is, as bad as it is right this second, you can change it. You can start right now. Making decisions, making yourself a plan to Be Sober. This site is an amazing resource. Use all of it! You can live sober and deal with the issues of your life. It gets better.
I think it's really good that you're reaching out here. I too drank horrid crazy amounts and my alcoholism manifested itself in many nasty physical and mental ways. Sometimes when we're down in the spiral of depression, alcoholism, hopelessness, it is so hard to see that there will ever be a brighter day. Everyday blends, everyday drunk, your life slips past 
Please don't give up, as the thing is, as bad as it is right this second, you can change it. You can start right now. Making decisions, making yourself a plan to Be Sober. This site is an amazing resource. Use all of it! You can live sober and deal with the issues of your life. It gets better.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Are you willing to stay stopped? Are you really done?
Try reading up on AVRT and follow that program.
AA is always available, if you go in with an open mind. It's not religious, it's spiritual. I fought it from my first meeting at 25 until last year. I wasted 25 years of my life. You have an opportunity to have a wonderfully sober life!
What's your choice going to be? There's always hope, if you are willing to seek it.
Best wishes,
Try reading up on AVRT and follow that program.
AA is always available, if you go in with an open mind. It's not religious, it's spiritual. I fought it from my first meeting at 25 until last year. I wasted 25 years of my life. You have an opportunity to have a wonderfully sober life!
What's your choice going to be? There's always hope, if you are willing to seek it.
Best wishes,
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,955
Technically AA is not religious, however the spiritual 12 step program of AA is religious in nature. But none of that matters because there other recovery programs to explore that are secular.
As with many things in life it all comes down to a choice. Realizing that you have a choice in addiction is the height of awareness. When I choose to be sober more than my choosing to remain stuck in active addiction, I get well.
Hope to see you more around here at SR. You can get well.
As with many things in life it all comes down to a choice. Realizing that you have a choice in addiction is the height of awareness. When I choose to be sober more than my choosing to remain stuck in active addiction, I get well.
Hope to see you more around here at SR. You can get well.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome NoLonger -
It's no coincidence that alcoholics have a high rate of suicide - it's a chemical depressant. I found that I became horribly depressed while drinking - just living in a vicious cycle of negative thinking. Once I got away from the alcohol, the depression started to fade. The anxiety/dread I awoke to each morning lifted. Give yourself a chance at sobriety - you might be pleasantly surprised....:ghug3
The thing is, none of us can do this on our own. I'm glad you're here - it's a great place to start. Look up alcoholism/mental health services in your area, too - you really don't have to live (or die) this way.
It's no coincidence that alcoholics have a high rate of suicide - it's a chemical depressant. I found that I became horribly depressed while drinking - just living in a vicious cycle of negative thinking. Once I got away from the alcohol, the depression started to fade. The anxiety/dread I awoke to each morning lifted. Give yourself a chance at sobriety - you might be pleasantly surprised....:ghug3
The thing is, none of us can do this on our own. I'm glad you're here - it's a great place to start. Look up alcoholism/mental health services in your area, too - you really don't have to live (or die) this way.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Originally Posted by artsoul
t's a chemical depressant.
In other words, you're not in a position to trust negative feelings—you're under far too much stress, physically and emotionally. Everything is going to be fine. You just need to detox for a few days, and you'll realize there's a way out of that pit. There's always a way. You'll find it.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome...
Change ...it was all about drastic changes for me to finally quit.
Because of your long history with alcohol and pills...I strongly
suggest you consider a medically supervised de tox....
Please check out the links Dee posted...and Yes! you really can find a
better healthier future. All my best
Change ...it was all about drastic changes for me to finally quit.
Because of your long history with alcohol and pills...I strongly
suggest you consider a medically supervised de tox....
Please check out the links Dee posted...and Yes! you really can find a
better healthier future. All my best
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
