simplyfab

It's been a while since I've been on here. I was actually ashamed to come back. Ashamed to say that I had fallen, and continued to stay down.

I joined SR in Jan or Feb of '11. 2/3 months after I got sober.
I stayed sober for almost a yr.
But what I learned the hard way was that I was sober, but wasn't recovering. I was so focused on getting my family back to normal and worrying that working on me, would be me being selfish, yet again.
I mean, thats what alcoholism is. A selfish disease that doesn't care about anything but you getting that drink. And to me, I had done that for so long and put my family through so much that I thought working on me was just that.
So I set myself aside, and just focused on picking up the pieces in our home.
Didn't work out they way it had in my head.
The first time I was faced with something I didn't want to, or better yet didn't know how to deal with, I did the only thing I knew to do. Numb the pain with alcohol.
I was so angry at myself for relapsing. So disappointed! Yet, I was still determined to just see it as a bump in the road and continue on my path.
Move foward and use the relapse as a learning experience.
But something in me changed. That once determined girl was no longer there. The one who was so sure and had accepted with open arms that alcohol wasn't a part of her life anymore.
What once used to be the easiest choice (no longer drinking) once again became the hardest choice to make.
I know the alcoholic seed will always be with me. But it was like the relapse had watered it and given it life again.
And what scares me is that I don't know how to get back to that place. I don't know how to mentally get there again. Why is it so hard, when it had been so easy once that choice to no longer drink came to me. It literally felt like a lightswitch had gone off in me and drinking was no longer wanted or needed. I was DONE with alcohol!

But here I am again. On day 9. Only this time, I have a DUI to add on to the resume of my drinking career.
The officers couldn't believe how I managed to be talking and walking, let alone driving with a BAC of a .28.
And where was I going? To the liquor store to get more alcohol. (smh)
All this after I completed a 3 week day program through my HC, started going to therapy (through the program) and even went to some AA meetings.

I'm completely lost and scared right now. I want this so bad to be my bottom.
But what I hate is that I don't feel it the way I did back in '10. When I no longer wanted to drink. When I was able to see my life without alcohol and be 100% ok with it.
I used to wonder how people got and stayed sober when they didn't have that life changing moment I had back when. How did they get and stay sober when they were fighting it so much?
Yes, I've been where I wanted so much to get sober that I would literally scream to God to help me. But no matter how much I wanted to stop, I knew in the back of my mind, I wasn't ready to give it up.
Daily, and sometimes hourly, I find myself wondering where I would be right now if I had worked on myself when I had that definite commitment to never want to drink again. When I was so sure of myself in that department.
Now, I can't seem to get there again.
I guess I now have to experience how people get and stay sober without that "epiphany" moment.
I feel like I had a gift given to me, and I let it slip through my hands. And now I have no clue on how to get it back.
Even today as I was having dinner with friends at a restaurant, I found myself thinking about having some drinks. And justified it with, "I'm gonna start going to meetings and back to the program my HC provides anyway. What's the harm in having some tonight?"
This mentality scares the sh*t outta me...

ANY support, encouragement, would be greatly appreciated and much needed.

-Simply

coffeenut

Hi. Thanks for your post. Wow. Could happen to any of us.

I can only say....you gotta want it. You gotta want it more than you want life itself. But I think you know that....and that's where the problem is?

Also, you might want to check out the AVRT threads...I find lots of good stuff in there.

Please don't be ashamed to come back. The shame would be in NOT coming back.

My very best to you. Stay, okay?!

sugarbear1

Welcome back!

Firehazard

Hi Simply,

So good to hear you are trying it again. I can relate or at least my history is very similar where drinking is concerned. For us self sufficient types a emotional bottom has to be hit before we are ready to admit we have the disease and that despair is all around us. For me I felt that in spades and then immediately began to stop trying my way of alcohol sessation the miracle of abstainance began and I started to grow.
Yes, like you I had to try again and again and you know what? Evertime I came and tried to stop back the one constant was not alcohol but what I looked at in the mirror because the amount and the types of the magic juice would change.

Having the disease of alcoholism means that you have a illness that is progressive. It can get much worse!!

LDT

Can't think of a better day to "get it back" than today. No shame in that.

Anna

Hi and Welcome back!

I'm not sure you can re-create the feeling that you had originally when you stopped drinking. But, you can work with what you have now. At the moment you are disappointed in yourself and what's happened. But, I think if you begin your recovery journey, you will build up your self-eteem and the good feelings will have a ripple effect in your recovery. You would like to feel really good as your start your journey, but you may have to be patient and have faith that you will feel really good as your journey progresses.

And, do put your recovery first. I know it's hard to juggle home, job, family and recovery, but you do need to take care of yourself.

RobbyRobot

The alcoholic mind is a terrible insufferable thing sans alcohol. It can't be ignored and it can't be reasoned with whatsoever. It simply wants you drunk. Acceptance and surrender is the key action to take right about now. Don't wait around for an epiphany. Don't argue with yourself about drinking. Alcoholics naturally want to drink, no surprise there

No gift has slipped through your hands, okay? A terrible consequence has been handed to you with the DUI, and the alcoholic sufferings you're now feeling. Your original bottom (a choice) is still intact and workable. You made a choice so make that choice again. You're not a stranger to sufferings created from your past drinking history besides the latest being added. Your original gifts are yet with you if only you grasp them and move forward bravely.

The lightswitch is right where you left it the last time you flicked it off, okay? Its still there. Use rigorous honesty and own up to your responsibilities and be true to yourself and discover that lightswitch yet again!

Good going on having 9 days! Awesome!

Hevyn

Simplyfab - I'm so glad to see you back. Coming here & pouring your heart out is so difficult, but so important for you. I did exactly what you did many times. Even had an officer say to me, "You're very lucid for a person with a bac of .32. Most people would be on the floor." My tolerance was huge. I was once proud of that. Then I realized, if I could drink all day & still be functioning, something was terribly wrong.

After years of abusing myself I was facing death if I didn't stop. I wanted to salvage what was left of my life - but more than that - to reach out for the life I knew was waiting for me. One not lived in a numb fog. We know you can and will do this, & we are with you. Keep talking to us.

Sudz No More

Couldn't agree more with the first part about the mind. Also, like Robby said, you did it before, you can do it again.

I've fallen off the wagon my fair share but I keep getting back in and this what you need to do right now. Try not to over think things and just get back to what you know worked for you in the past.

I find that paying no attention to the impulses helps at least in the short term. As they impulses subside I try to reason with myself all the negative consequences I will have if I start drinking again. Sometimes I still fail but I realize shortly after how wrong I was to let myself down and I start right back where I left off.

Just don't get discouraged right now and get back to sobriety.

2granddaughters

simplyfab, I got so bad, so sick, that I had to go to AA ....

If you are finding you can't get sober and stay sober, then AA might be just the ticket for you as well.

Wishing you the best.

Bob R

BackToSquareOne

Try viewing yourself as a character in a play with 2 different personas. One is a person struggling to quit drinking. The other made a decision to quit forever and considers him/herself to be a non drinker. They're both at a party and there is booze everywhere. The one trying to quit struggles and fights the cravings. The non-drinker doesn't consider it an issue because they don't drink. It sounds too simple but how you view yourself does make a big difference.

NatalieN

Simplyfab thanks a lot for sharing what you shared. I am too familiar with the skewed mental processes that guide our decisions and actions when we first seek sobriety. Awareness of these mental processes when they first hit us is vital. My experience is that if I shine enough awareness on the faulty brain wiring, negative thoughts fail to take root and prosper. Of course, there have been times when even after becoming super aware that I am heading in the wrong direction, I still want what I want when I want it.

You probably won’t get that feeling back and it’s ok. Plan to stay sober today, that’s really all you have. Tomorrow only exits in our minds, like yesterday.

Best of luck to you dear,

Natalie

Fandy

i was wondering about you the other day(really)...and here you are! Good. daily contact with others and gratitude for every day sober.

and you could be any of us. glad you are back

DoinThis

My willingness only got strong after the first month when I started to feel amazing!!! The initial month I still wanted to drink but was mainly stopping for my family and the fear of getting worse. All ghd best

CarolD

Welcome back...

When I began working and lliving the AA Steps...I went from sometimes
shakey sobriety into solid recovery...

aasharon90

Today, even tho im 21 yrs of many one days
at a time collected together to get me where
I am today in my own recovery, will not allow
myself to rest on my own laurels. Rest on my
on will.

I can keep the quantity of days I have sober
if I don't have the quality of a solid recovery
program to live upon in all my affairs in life.

I will remember today that alcohol is always
lurking and looking for it's next victim to take
down. To destroy them like it almost did me 21
yrs. ago.

My family stepped in with an intervention getting
me help i needed during that time of my life. At
30 yrs old, i wanted to escape my life selfishly
however it wasnt meant to be. Rehab for 28 day
with a 6 week outpatiant aftercare program was
a gift handed to me for the acceptance and set me
on a path of recovery and a journey of a lifetime
living happy joyous and free without alcohol.

21 years of changes in my life without an end
in site. Changes that have molded me into the
person i am meant to be. Someone who is responsible
in sharing my own experiences, strengths and hopes
of what it was like before, during and after alcohol.

My purpose in life today is to pass on the knowledge
of recovery to those still struggling or suffering with
addiction.

Recovery is a way of life for me and I appreciate it
as an awesome gift and blessing from Above.

Sudz No More

Thank You Sharon, you are an inspiratioin

instant

Part of you has a desire to drink. That part will always be with us.

What we can do comes after that.

Dee74

I'm really sorry to read this SF, but I'm really glad you're back.
I remember being in much the same position - I actually drank past wanting to stop and entered some kind of twilight where my life seemed to be some kind of rushing current and I was just being carried along like a leaf.

But we're not leaves - we can change our situation
What do you do? You act.

Whether it's seeing your Dr, or AA, or SMART, or AVRT or rehab or whatever else - reach out and get some help Fab.

I know it's the most onerous thing to do in the world - but if you want change you gotta make changes - and that starts with you

Addiction loves fatalism, apathy and inaction.

I believe you want recovery as much as you ever did - but your addictions progressed and buried your recovery seed (to borrow your metaphor)

You can do this - you can dig that seed out....you just have to start the process.

Terminally Unique

simplyfab,

You are not a newcomer anymore, and the circumstances that led you to post are not to be casually dismissed. It also appears that you are headed nowhere good unless you change direction, so I will not sugarcoat this.

There is a very good reason that you were pulled over. When you got behind the wheel, you became a 3500+ lb WEAPON hurling down the road, and you could have hurt or killed not only yourself, but also others. I've known people who killed others driving drunk, and that is not a cross you want to bear. One meeting I was at had three such people. One had killed a single mother, so her child was left alone in the world as a result, and another killed his own daughter, who wasn't even a teenager.

Never "wanting" to drink again has nothing to do with it, and waiting for that day to come in order to act is a losing proposition. The desire to drink may fade with time, but it won't go away on its own, particularly if you keep drinking and making it stronger. So, get the idea of waiting for the desire to away out of your head, immediately.

The only way for it not to be your 'bottom' is if you deny the gravity of the situation, simplyfab. I'm going to assume that you know perfectly well that it is wrong to drive drunk, but your addiction is going to tell you that only driving is wrong, and not drinking in the first place. The thing is, the decision to drive drunk is only made after one is already drunk, so the drinking is also wrong.

To answer your original question about how to get the impetus for change back, it is actually very simple. You stop thinking in terms of "feeling good" or the presence or absence of desire, because they are immaterial at this juncture. The guilt you are feeling is perfectly normal, and correct, since it is there to let you know that something is simply not right, and that you probably need to change. Right now, you need to ask yourself two questions:

• Is it right or wrong for me to ever drink again?
  
  
• If it is wrong, just how wrong is it?

I can't answer those two questions for you, but you've proven that you cannot drink without turning yourself into a weapon and unleashing it on society. Since very few people get caught driving drunk their first time, I would wager that this is not the first time you have done it, either. You got lucky this time, and all the past times, but if you keep going like this, you may not be so lucky the next time.

Please do think this over.