klbutcher

My partner is an alcoholic, he admitted himself into rehab in May 2011. He came home a different person but sadly relapsed using cocaine in December and is now using both alcohol and cocaine.

Today I am utterly fed up. Thursday's are pay day and typically when his binges start. Last week was the first in four weeks that he stayed sober. Total of 10 days to a normal 3/4 days sober of late.

Last night, he was very clearly doing cocaine. All the usual signs, although he absolutely denied it. As a result I have had just two hours sleep. I had to go to the sofa and be up for work at 6.30am. Now I am here feeling exhausted physically and mentally and I don't look too great either.

I know that he is ill, I really do and I know my being angry hurts only myself. That it is negative for his recovery and my well being but some days I just can't help how I feel. I packed a change of clothes this morning so that I don't have to go home later. I fully expect him to be drunk. Usual pattern of events and I just can't face it.

I will go to the gym, work out, shower, get changed and go and meet some friends. He can do as he pleases but I will enjoy my weekend with or without him. So you know I am T-Total to support my AH. Have been for 2 years. My friends drink, I don't and I don't miss it in the slightest.

Today I find myself asking yet again why I am still with a man who clearly is not ready for recovery. Of course he tells me he is, that he will get better because he has too, that he wants all the things in life I do....I am sure you are firmiliar with all of this. I almost can't bare to listen to his empty promises anymore. They do not give me hope.. they too are part of the cycle that just repeats.

He is an amazing person with an awful illness. I just don't think he has the slightest clue of how hard this is for the people that love him.
He has black out's can't remember how disgustingly he behaved or how abusive he was. We are not so lucky, we remember every word and have to live with those memories...

Sorry to rant, sometimes I need to.

DaveVelasco

If you have problems with him, then I think you should STOP WORKING for a week or month, if you can and probably try spending more time with HIM - bonding together without the presence of ALCOHOL or COCAINE. It could probably be that he feels that you are more likely focused on your work and ignoring him at all and as a wife, your job is to keep track of your husband too - and what probably makes you stay is that there is still a little hope and love inside your for HIM.

Again, spend time together. Talk to each other. Let him talk about his problems that you are not aware of. The best medicines may be not through rehab, but through helping the both of you understand each other.

Regards,
Dave

klbutcher

''without the presence of ALCOHOL or COCAINE''
I would absolutely love to spend a month with him, without drugs and alcohol. Unfortunately it is not something I really have control over. It is he who would need to abstain for that to happen and sadly he does not.

Sapling

You can take a year off and it won't make him stop...About the only thing you can do is pray for him....I know...I've been where he's at...Minus the cocaine....My ex-wife gave me a choice....She left and I drank for 10 more years...Finallly I crawled into an AA meeting...Totally beaten...When I did my ninth step amends with her on the phone...She lives in another part of the country and I couldn't afford to do it in person...All she told me was that she prayed that I'd get help someday......And here I am. I'm sorry for what you are going through....I'm sorry for what he's going through...

DaveVelasco

I think you do. Are you afraid? C'mon .. be positive. YOU are his WIFE. Do you have kids?

DaveVelasco

Yeah she can pray -- a very good idea -- but however you pray - if you don't ACT - then I think nothing will just happen.

Pray not only for the person to change and learn on his own, but also pray for your own self - knowing how to help an ACT through that person's life.

DaveVelasco

Yeah she can pray -- a very good idea -- but however you pray - if you don't ACT - then I think nothing will just happen.

Pray not only for the person to change and learn on his own, but also pray for your own self - knowing how to help an ACT through that person's life.

klbutcher

Afraid to watch him kill himself slowly - Absolutely!
I have to agree with Sapling. I accept that I am powerless over his addiction. I have control over my life, not his. To continue drinking is his choice, as is continueing to stay, mine.

klbutcher

Afraid to watch him kill himself slowly - Absolutely!
I have to agree with Sapling. I accept that I am powerless over his addiction. I have control over my life, not his. To continue drinking is his choice, as is continueing to stay, mine.

Sapling

People acted on me all my life....The more they told me I had to stop...The more I drank...Have you ever successfully told a chronic alcoholic to stop drinking?

klbutcher

Afraid to watch him kill himself slowly - Absolutely!
I have to agree with Sapling. I accept that I am powerless over his addiction. I have control over my life, not his. To continue drinking is his choice, as is continueing to stay, mine.

BullDog777

there's and old saying around AA. when the time is right to get sober, they can say nothing wrong. when the time is wrong to get sober, nobody can say anything right."

if he's not ready, he's just going to keep the game of deceit going and drag you down with him.

you might go get a big book of alcoholics anonymous and read the chapter "to the wives" ...it offers an insightful look into what you can expect.

it might also do you some good to check out alanon if you chose to stay..or go.

i know for me, the first 8 years of my marriage was horrible for my wife. i was never abusive, but i was drinking myself to death and it was really hurting her. in the end, it wasn't her ever threatening to leave that got me to stop. she has said she would many times.....i had to hit my bottom and know that if i continued on this path, it would kill me.

my case was no doubt divine intervention, and i agree with you. you can't change how he reacts to his life. you can only be in charge to how you react in your own....and what will be the best choices for you.

i can tell you that this almost never ends well. once we start down that destructive path, it's rare that we ever come back.

take care of you.

Sapling

I dragged this wonderful lady through this sh!t for 17 years....And she had the love for me to leave me and pray for me...I'll always be grateful for that...And I still wasn't done...I had to hurt another lady after that...

BullDog777

i don't know how or why mine stayed. i think she did it for our daughter. i've been sober a little over 2 years and she says it's like a completely different marriage. like she's married to a different person.

i never knew how toxic i was to our relationship until i got some time. she's a saint in my book. i don't know how he endured the s#it i put her through.

klbutcher

For his own sake I truly hope he finds his way back.

Sapling

Mine is a saint too...I get along with her fine now...She did what she had to do...I guess I did what I had to do...

klbutcher

We endure for two reasons - Love and hope.

BullDog777

just prepare yourself. my wife often said that she had to all but let go of any hope just so she wouldn't go out of her mind.

please do get yourself some help though. no spouse/partner should have to endure this alone. i'm really sorry that your going through this.

Sapling

That's a powerful thing klbutcher...Almost as powerful as alcohol...

sugarbear1

Staying home for a week won't change his behavior. Call your local Al Anon hotline, those people have been where you are and you can talk about your situation.

I wish you well,