I hate Alcohol!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,733
From what you have written it does not sound (to me) that you worked the AA program. It sounds like you started with the original program and then "tweaked it" and made your own program which only worked for awhile. That's okay. We all have control issues. I completely relate. Why not try again with a completely open mind and get over yourself and that ego? Time to get humble and get to work. Eating a little crow to save your life sounds like a no brainer to me. So...you were wrong. Not a person on the planet hasn't expereienced being wrong several times in their life. You'll get over it and so will everyone else.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by bostonluv 
From what you have written it does not sound (to me) that you worked the AA program. It sounds like you started with the original program and then "tweaked it" and made your own program which only worked for awhile.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Bellingham
Posts: 513
From your post, it sounds like three problems are grating on you. 1) Alcoholism 2) a house of mirrors mental state characterized by manic talking and acting out and 3) poverty. It makes sense that these are all interrelated.
It also sounds like, in AA, you attempted to confront problem 3 but that your solution didn't work out, you didn't fully confront problem 2 and that you confronted problem 1 but because of your failure to address 2 and 3, this proved to be a partial solution on the way back to self-medication.
I would suggest the following course of action 1) talk to a doctor if you haven't and take his advice. If you're standing and pacing around for 8 hours in a room, you've got to trust me and understand that you aren't in the proper mental state to plan your recovery on your own.
Then, once you've got that step nailed down, think about the money problem, which can be solved. I too was sold a degree that didn't do me much good. I see now that I have managed to crawl out of my depression (with the help of a doctor) that 1) I have something to offer and 2) I've been going about it wrong, letting my wild depression rule my life.
I'm coping with a lot of guilt, but this is the first time I feel like I'm seeing all of it clearly, all my mistakes. The ironic thing is that now, more fully aware of how I have lived my life than ever before, this is also the first time I've felt forgiven by life, the universe, whatever. But you've got to go to the doctor, get help so you can crawl to the edge of it to see yourself clearly. Trust. All this means is that you are revolting at the stuff you are doing to yourself and that you want to get better.
It also sounds like, in AA, you attempted to confront problem 3 but that your solution didn't work out, you didn't fully confront problem 2 and that you confronted problem 1 but because of your failure to address 2 and 3, this proved to be a partial solution on the way back to self-medication.
I would suggest the following course of action 1) talk to a doctor if you haven't and take his advice. If you're standing and pacing around for 8 hours in a room, you've got to trust me and understand that you aren't in the proper mental state to plan your recovery on your own.
Then, once you've got that step nailed down, think about the money problem, which can be solved. I too was sold a degree that didn't do me much good. I see now that I have managed to crawl out of my depression (with the help of a doctor) that 1) I have something to offer and 2) I've been going about it wrong, letting my wild depression rule my life.
I'm coping with a lot of guilt, but this is the first time I feel like I'm seeing all of it clearly, all my mistakes. The ironic thing is that now, more fully aware of how I have lived my life than ever before, this is also the first time I've felt forgiven by life, the universe, whatever. But you've got to go to the doctor, get help so you can crawl to the edge of it to see yourself clearly. Trust. All this means is that you are revolting at the stuff you are doing to yourself and that you want to get better.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
As Music said:
June 7, 1981.
When I reached the point that for every swig I took in, it felt like it was flowing just as fast out every pore of my body, I had my 'light bulb moment'. I knew I was dying, and I knew if I tried to stop I would die, but I wanted to die sober. I had no idea how accurate that 'light bulb' was. I did die many times in the ER the next day, and the last time after being down for 28 minutes the ER DR was putting the T.O.D. on my chart when my heart started on its own. AA was basically the only game in town back then, and no I was not always happy, but I worked those steps to the best of my ability, with my sponsor and her hubby (also long time AAer) and then I proceeded how to LIVE those 12 steps in my life every day one day at a time.
Now whether you go back to AA or check out the Secular Forums and pick another method, whatever method/plan you choose is going to require 150% of your 'all.' No program, method, plan etc works unless we work it to our max.
Please for your own life, find a Psych Dr and get some help with your mental issues and in the process I am sure the Psych Dr will help you with your 'self medicating' ones also.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
I'm of the opinion that unless/until anyone reaches the point to where whatever drug they happen to be using, becomes the problem, they'll continue to use. The only proof I have that I stopped when I was supposed to is that I've never had to have another drink since day one, which was
When I reached the point that for every swig I took in, it felt like it was flowing just as fast out every pore of my body, I had my 'light bulb moment'. I knew I was dying, and I knew if I tried to stop I would die, but I wanted to die sober. I had no idea how accurate that 'light bulb' was. I did die many times in the ER the next day, and the last time after being down for 28 minutes the ER DR was putting the T.O.D. on my chart when my heart started on its own. AA was basically the only game in town back then, and no I was not always happy, but I worked those steps to the best of my ability, with my sponsor and her hubby (also long time AAer) and then I proceeded how to LIVE those 12 steps in my life every day one day at a time.
Now whether you go back to AA or check out the Secular Forums and pick another method, whatever method/plan you choose is going to require 150% of your 'all.' No program, method, plan etc works unless we work it to our max.
Please for your own life, find a Psych Dr and get some help with your mental issues and in the process I am sure the Psych Dr will help you with your 'self medicating' ones also.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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