T5hlP5

I hate alcohol. Everything that's wrong with my life today is a direct result of my alcoholism. AA made my life stupid beyond belief. I was in AA from 2000 to 2006 and during that period of time I went to school and had a great (but very difficult) time. I was steadfast and enduring and had built up some intellectual stamina. But I was also prone to periods of rage and manic talking episodes. Alcohol would cool that out but only at a great cost of time and health and money. This is just completely hopeless. AA did not work for me at all. Meetings and some of the friends I made were helpful, but it was also a certain way that I would deal with myself. For instance, going directly home and not stopping at gas stations to buy booze or stopping at a bar etc.,. The idea was to go to work and then run right home. Kind of like running away from alcohol. Now I'm doing some kind of binge management. Life at work is not work. I don't do anything. I just sit/stand/kneel in a room for 8 hours and undergo lots of anxiety and depression. My thought was that all I needed to do was to stop drinking and then re-build my life. But instead when I went to AA I got this really moronic idea to get a second undergraduate degree taking one class a semester... that was horrible. I really wished I had developed a way to just make an honest living. It's not that bad my life has been a hell of a lot worse viz., homelessness, abject poverty, depravity, violence, heartache and pain etc.,.

Sapling

Two questions....

Did you get a sponsor?
Did you work the steps...Honestly and thoroughly?

endlesspatience

Are you really sure you felt that way about AA when you were actually going there? Or is this your interpretation of the situation now that you're drinking again? A lot of people would say AA ruined their drinking because it made them aware of its consequences and cost. But that's not the same as saying that "AA didn't work".

T5hlP5

After a few years sober in AA I would talk in meetings and what I said made perfect sense to some people and even my sponsor would complement me on my wisdom. It wasn't anything I got from Bill Wilson, however, it was what I had found through keeping myself free of alcohol. I had great sponsors and met some excellent old timers. But there was always one or two people in the meetings who were adversarial... antagonistic... fault finding... one or two "you're wrong"ers ...

Sapling

What about the 12 steps?...Talking about the program of recovery...

BlueMoon

and yet you went for SIX years?

Music

Hey, if alcohol makes things better for you, by all means drink. One of a couple things will happen. You'll either be a happy drunk. You may at some point come back to AA with a better attitude, or the drinking just might kill you or make you crazy. To each his own.

T5hlP5

Instead of ranting and raving I just make myself sick with alcohol poisoning that way I cause less trouble. I was a real monster-head in AA some sort of demonic possession. If I drink and get blown out I'm sick the next day so I have less energy to be full of hate and anger. But I'm also rendered dysfunctional and metally ill. While I was in AA I read the Big Book and worked the steps everyday. Laughed a lot more but geez what a screaming maniac, a real loose cannon. Did some pretty rotten things while in AA recovery that came back and bit me in the ass when I went back out... almost as if the world was just itchingly waiting for me to come back to the world of drinking and using so it could drive a few more nails into the coffin.

Dee74

I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling T5hlP5.
So whats your plan to get sober now?

D

sugarbear1

Have you seen a psychiatrist for managing your mental illness? You mentioned that above.

I wish you well on your life's journey.
Peace,

T5hlP5

I'm in a binge management program. No I don't have a plan I am lost or stuck or trapped or something.

Dee74

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach

D

2granddaughters

"AA did not work for me at all."

You were sober for years, sounds like it worked all right.
Perhaps you just quit working for it.

We all hit the wall in recovery..... and blame the program we're in, not ourselves.

I wish you the best.

Bob R.

T5hlP5

I'm not an atheist. Thank God that it is alcohol and not heroin or oxycodon or percosets or methamphetamine or crack.

Music

Bingo!! I'm grateful alcohol was there for me when I needed it. Right from the beginning alcohol seemed to "fix" what was wrong. I had to reach the point where alcohol wasn't the solution any more. It was the problem. I'm of the opinion that unless/until anyone reaches the point to where whatever drug they happen to be using, becomes the problem, they'll continue to use. The only proof I have that I stopped when I was supposed to is that I've never had to have another drink since day one, which was March 1st, 1977. I'm grateful to God and AA and I believe I needed to drink every drop and do every rotten thing I did so I could be where I am today.

instant

I just sit/stand/kneel in a room for 8 hours and undergo lots of anxiety and depression.

have you had an objective assessment face to face with someone professionally qualified?

Threshold

From your post and description of your feelings and behavior, I would suggest a visit to a dr or psychiatrist, it sounds like it might be a treatable condition that on your own you've been addressing with alcohol.

blackoutgirl

Thank God that it is alcohol and not heroin or oxycodon or percosets or methamphetamine or crack.

Alcohol is just as dangerous as "hard" drugs. The sneaky thing is that you could be dying on the inside silently and not know until it is too late. Totally asymptomatic until one by one your organs start shutting down. Just sayin. My grandfather died of alcoholism. My dad is going to die because of alcoholism. My step mom is DYING of alcoholism. All of them went years thinking that they were "o.k."

vinepest

School might actually be a very good idea, however I recommend a graduate degree, not a second undergraduate degree.

Some questions:

(1) What degree(s) do you already have?

(2) What degree(s) are you considering getting?

(3) What do you want to do with them professionally?

I go to grad school full time for free, and they employ me as an instructor part time so that I can eat. If you are responsible enough and work hard enough, you can do something similar.

School successfully motivated me to quit drinking/using. No AA required. If you also enjoy academics, then perhaps you can benefit similarly.

EDIT: Oh, and I also lost touch with reality while drinking/using. This was not (I hope) a sign of mental illness however. Perhaps your mental troubles will likewise disappear with prolonged abstinence. (Then again, perhaps not. Time will tell I suppose.)

mattparadise

I found AA to be very unhealthy for me also. I got out many months ago and am glad to have never gone back. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I don't know your full story, but seems like you need to refocus. Maybe it's time to give something else a try. There are many alternatives available and some with even better success rates.