InsertNameHere

I don't know about you but "living inside the bottle" isn't working out all that well for me, and I doubt that it would be for you or anyone else. And if its any consulation you are doing better than me when you managed to get on the wagon. I am still figuring out how to get the damn thing started.

But seriously as many have said before me there is nothing stopping you from starting over. Good luck man.

INH

DayTrader

I "thanked" that post because it took me back.......instantly.....to a big turning point in my life. The AA book has a line about "pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization." That's what I read in that post.

While the initial feeling OF that stuff is horrible, it can be THE catalyst for one to "know" they need help.......REAL help (it was for me). It was obvious I either needed to kill myself or change. The problem was, nothing I'd tried to change was bringing the relief I was looking for. Without knowing what I was doing, I was taking that 1st step in AA. I was realizing, deep down, that I was screwed 10x from Sunday and there was nothing I had in the tank to stop it and I better get willing to do some of that "crap" that I swore I'd never do.....OR ELSE. That's when it hit me, "Oh no.....I need to go back to AA and be serious about it." It was a great feeling and a horrible feeling at the same time.

It was a decision though, that I just wasn't able to make until I had exhausted all the alternatives I though I had. "Working step zero," as Joe Hawk called it....burning through all the supposed alternatives until, for some of us, we realize that we can't do it ourselves - we can't manage our own sobriety.

So, welcome to the club Scrub! Hopefully you'll be able to see there IS an alternative and be willing to give it a try.

BackToSquareOne

Scrub, if you went to a Doctor and said to him Doc, I'm depressed, lost, angry, confused and questioning whether it's worth living feeling this way. The Doc listens and says I have great news, there's a drug that will provide instant releif, it will make you feel great for a little while, the only problem is that as soon as it wears off everything will get thrown into reverse and you will end up feeling much worse than you do now. You'll not only still have depression but now it will be complicated with withdrawal from the drug. He explains that withdrawal from this drug will give you a glimpse of what a "living hell" is really all about. It sounds crazy but that's exactly the choice we're making when we try to treat depression with alcohol.

Type "Scrubmuncher" in the search box and read through your own posts and what you'll see is a guy who's not stupid by any stretch of the imagination. You've been burnt by life along the way as most of us are but guess what, life is not fair, bad things do happen to good people, that's just the way it is. You've proven by your own posts that you can work up the resolve to quit but once you do you fall back into the same circular pattern. Sober all the time life seems awkward, confusing, you start to feel lost so you return to your old ways as have millions of others before you. You need to find a way to keep the resolve going, to keep the fires burning or they're going to keep going out again and again.

Remember that "resolve" will always wax and wane in day to day life, it has an ebb and flow all its own. Getting "Centered" is really not that hard, staying centered in your resolve though requires that you have the ability to "re-center" whenever you veer off course. Find something that works for you scrub, getting caught up in circular patterns means you never really get anywhere.

Threshold

A couple thoughts.

One...I've never known anyone who makes an announcement of their leaving...to not come back lurk and read the responses. I mean, why bother with the goodbye letter unless you are curious how others will react? I think this is a good thing, because it means the person is still in the game. Hi Scrub!

two...SR is like a darned weed of hope. You can leave, but you can't forget or kid yourself anymore that it's hopeless, because the people and stories here have proven otherwise. In the depths of our hearts, no matter how often we may relapse, we know there is a different way now, and no matter how many times we pull up that weed of hope and stomp on it, it keeps coming back.

recovery is free, addiction is expensive. Recovery takes elbow grease and a sense of humor for sure, but the results are good, the results of addiction...not so good.

Whether Scrub goes, stays or returns, what was shared here will stay with him/her.

choublak

Don't you have a baby daughter?

Sudz No More

we'll be here waiting for you to give it a fresh start. Life goes on, stopping trying is almost as hard as trying to stop. Eventually you will see the pavement for the road.

It is an endless cycle, join us again on the next go round.

rubbersoul

"In the depths of our hearts, no matter how often we may relapse, we know there is a different way now, and no matter how many times we pull up that weed of hope and stomp on it, it keeps coming back."

Threshold - I love this.

Nineteen67

I hope you didn't mean that, i remember you from the first night i came on here. Sincerely hope you are well brother.