Dispirited
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1
Dispirited
I'm an alcoholic, 27 years old, and really struggling right now. I got out of rehab for the fourth time in late August, and currently reside in a sober house. I ended up drinking on Wednesday and then again on Friday, right now just sort of white-knuckling it. I guess what just drove me to post this is that, for one, I think my roommates may know I drank, which would make me homeless come Monday when the manager would be contacted. Or, alternatively, even if they don't know it leaves me in a difficult position in that if I choose to discuss what is going on with me right now I would then be kicked out and be homeless.
So that sort of brings me here. I've essentially exhausted any kind of familial support at this point, and am not entirely sure I would want it even if they are willing, as I'm sick of wasting their money in my attempts to get sober.
While I've been at least nominally aware of my depression for years, I don't think I fully realized the extent of it until these past few months in rehab and now in the sober house. The worst was the realization that I couldn't hardly muster the motivation to brush my teeth. I would realize at some point that I hadn't brushed my teeth in days, and yet instead of just going to brush my teeth it would just pass as what it was, a sad realization of my state of mental health. I now realize that this has been going on for years, but it was at least partially masked by my alcoholism. As in, it seemed normal as an alcoholic that I could not meet some of the simpler duties of a normal life, like holding a regular sleep schedule and whatnot.
Basically I've come to the realization that all of my past attempts to get sober/better were futile; removing alcohol is a necessary step, but it isn't going to help nor will it stick if I don't fix this basic problem of mental health, which things like "faking it 'til I make it" certainly will not cure.
I've been incredibly lucky in a lot of aspects of my life, having loving parents, a healthy body and a good mind. It's hard to accept finding myself in the position I am in. On the one hand, it seems if I can just get sober and get my mental state in order I should have a good life ahead of me. Despite all my problems I'm actually just two semesters shy of a doctoral degree. But on the other hand, it appears I'm about to be homeless, in an absurd amount of debt and encumbered by a mental state in which I'm unable to even brush my teeth.
It's hard to believe, incredibly disheartening and also frightening. It's like I'm watching the beginning of the end of my life.
I'm sorry to be such a downer. It does feel a bit better just getting this out there.
So that sort of brings me here. I've essentially exhausted any kind of familial support at this point, and am not entirely sure I would want it even if they are willing, as I'm sick of wasting their money in my attempts to get sober.
While I've been at least nominally aware of my depression for years, I don't think I fully realized the extent of it until these past few months in rehab and now in the sober house. The worst was the realization that I couldn't hardly muster the motivation to brush my teeth. I would realize at some point that I hadn't brushed my teeth in days, and yet instead of just going to brush my teeth it would just pass as what it was, a sad realization of my state of mental health. I now realize that this has been going on for years, but it was at least partially masked by my alcoholism. As in, it seemed normal as an alcoholic that I could not meet some of the simpler duties of a normal life, like holding a regular sleep schedule and whatnot.
Basically I've come to the realization that all of my past attempts to get sober/better were futile; removing alcohol is a necessary step, but it isn't going to help nor will it stick if I don't fix this basic problem of mental health, which things like "faking it 'til I make it" certainly will not cure.
I've been incredibly lucky in a lot of aspects of my life, having loving parents, a healthy body and a good mind. It's hard to accept finding myself in the position I am in. On the one hand, it seems if I can just get sober and get my mental state in order I should have a good life ahead of me. Despite all my problems I'm actually just two semesters shy of a doctoral degree. But on the other hand, it appears I'm about to be homeless, in an absurd amount of debt and encumbered by a mental state in which I'm unable to even brush my teeth.
It's hard to believe, incredibly disheartening and also frightening. It's like I'm watching the beginning of the end of my life.
I'm sorry to be such a downer. It does feel a bit better just getting this out there.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
I hope you can seek counseling for your emotional problems if you aren't already doing that.
I drank cause I was depressed and anxious but only made it worse.
Stopping drinking is a good thing but we still have to work on ourselves so that we can find our own happiness.
Welcome to the family.
I drank cause I was depressed and anxious but only made it worse.Stopping drinking is a good thing but we still have to work on ourselves so that we can find our own happiness.
Welcome to the family.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 335
I'm 30 and have almost 6 months sober time. Anti-depressants were essential for me in recovery. I started off on a low dose and as time moved on the doctor's have me at a high dose. I'm happy with that and its better than drinking. Sometimes I neglect hygeine for example brushing teeth is a chore but I shower and use deoderant regularly. Even in the times I have been sober life has been a challenge. Just recently I had to pack my stuff up and leave the house and went to a crisis centre where I had little options except to sleep in my car. I was lucky enough to be able to crash at a friends for a few days and am now back home. I have had 2 psychotic episodes, 2 hospitalizations a nervous breakdown which nearly took me over the edge. I'm medicated and sober so I cope better now. When I decided that I would not pick up a drink ever my life is so much better now and alot of the mental health issues have got better.
There is always hope even in the most trying of circumstances hang in there is no solutions at the bottom of a bottle.
There is always hope even in the most trying of circumstances hang in there is no solutions at the bottom of a bottle.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 20
Have you thought about confessing and asking the guys in your sober house for help? If you ask them for help and really want to stay sober, they are not likely to kick you out, but if you hide it and then they find out then they surely will. Hiding it is the wrong answer, it will make you sicker. Support is what they are there for. I lived in a sober house for 9 months after I left rehab and before I went into the military and it was a great experience. It helped me stay clean.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: columbus
Posts: 139
I'm 30 years old, my sobriety date is May 22nd 2011. On May 21st I relapsed for like the 4th or 5th time after getting out of rehab and I remember collapsing on my floor and sobbing uncontrollably, harder than I had ever cried before. I asked God to keep me sober, I gave up, and decided I wanted it bad enough to endure anything I needed to to feel good one day. I'm religious so I believe God gave me the desire to stay sober, if you're not religious I guess you can believe the desire came from within, but either way you gotta decide not what you want, but how bad you want it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My alcoholism and depression are intertwined. I treat my alcoholism through AA, and my mental health issues through the professionals in the mental health community.
I hope you seek treatment for the depression and get back on track.
Sending you hugs of support.
I hope you seek treatment for the depression and get back on track.
Sending you hugs of support.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Europe
Posts: 445
Hi CocoaHill
Firstly, well done for reaching out and congratulations for getting this far in your Doctoral degree, despite everything.
I agree. It sounds like you could do with a lot of support right now. You deserve the help. You shouldn't have to battle this on your own.
I wish you all the best wishes and strength on your journey.
M
Firstly, well done for reaching out and congratulations for getting this far in your Doctoral degree, despite everything.
Originally Posted by afraziaaaa 
Have you thought about confessing and asking the guys in your sober house for help? If you ask them for help and really want to stay sober, they are not likely to kick you out, but if you hide it and then they find out then they surely will. Hiding it is the wrong answer, it will make you sicker...
I wish you all the best wishes and strength on your journey.
M
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 279
I also think that perhaps you should tell the manager what happened. Rather than either hoping no one found out or that if the manager finds out without your saying you won't be kicked out. Take control of the situation.
Just saying, when I drink I get super paranoid so you may just be imagining that your housemate knows. That said, now that I am sober I understand just how strong the smell of alcohol is for the person who isn't drinking so its harder to get away with than you think.
Just saying, when I drink I get super paranoid so you may just be imagining that your housemate knows. That said, now that I am sober I understand just how strong the smell of alcohol is for the person who isn't drinking so its harder to get away with than you think.
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