She won't stop the drunken abuse
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 8
She won't stop the drunken abuse
My long term partner has been a heavy drinker or years. The abuse is getting worse and worse. I spend every evening hiding from her with my 4 year old daughter in her room whilst my drunken partner screams and smashes the house up.
My partner gets very drunk 7 nights a week and by about 8pm she turns on me. I have to quickly get my daughter out of the way of the ensuing stream if pure evil abuse.
She screams at me to get out and leave but I cannot leave becaus my daughter will be left with her and I fear for my daughters safety.
She says she's going to call the police and have me arrested.
I have a diary online and I note down everything she does and if I have my phone to hand I record the abuse. If the police are ever involved im hoping that the diary and the recordings would prove she is the abuser.
I'm really worried about how my daughter will be when she grows up because she's only ever seen her mum scream at me every night.
My partner is perfectly normal through the day and nothingis ever said about the previous nights.
It's almost as if there are 2 completely different versions of her. The day time version that us happy and normaland the evening version that is drunk an pure evil.
She blames me for her drinking she says that she hates me and accuses me of ruining her life.
When she starts I do not say anything, she just shouts and shouts at me. If I dare reply it is like throwing jet fuel on a fire. She explodes into a screaming rage.
I tried to get her to calm down a few months ago so she tried to get a hammer and smash the windows in the house. She managed to get hold of a large candle and smashed the backdoor window. She raged on and on screaming and staggering around the house.
After a few hours she eventually collapses in bed fully clothed.
She says to me that drinking and smoking is the only thing she has. I give her my entire full time wage every month and she gives me scraps of spending money on a weekend to take my daughter to to the park or just out of her way.
Ive told close freinds what she is like and they just laugh at me and say just leave the bitch.
But I tell them I can't leave my daughter.
My partner has convinced all her freinds that it's me that is making her depressed and that he hates me. She is very good at crying the poor tale and making people think she is completely innocent an that it's me that causes all the issues.
I do not drink or smoke at all as my main focus is looking after my daughter an making sure she is as happy as possible.
I just wish my partner would stop drinking, if she did everything would be perfect. But her freinds tell her that there is nothing with a couple of glasses of wine on an evening but she is having 3 or 4 bottles a night. I just wish her freinds knew what he was really like, I'm sure they'd be quite shocked.
SHe often goes to the doctors but he never seems to ask about alcohol. Im sure she'd lie about how much she has but surely it should be having some kind of medical effect in her?
I have no idea what to say to her to make her stop. If I mention anything to her during the day about it she gets angry and drinks more that evening resulting in even more extemr abuse.
My partner gets very drunk 7 nights a week and by about 8pm she turns on me. I have to quickly get my daughter out of the way of the ensuing stream if pure evil abuse.
She screams at me to get out and leave but I cannot leave becaus my daughter will be left with her and I fear for my daughters safety.
She says she's going to call the police and have me arrested.
I have a diary online and I note down everything she does and if I have my phone to hand I record the abuse. If the police are ever involved im hoping that the diary and the recordings would prove she is the abuser.
I'm really worried about how my daughter will be when she grows up because she's only ever seen her mum scream at me every night.
My partner is perfectly normal through the day and nothingis ever said about the previous nights.
It's almost as if there are 2 completely different versions of her. The day time version that us happy and normaland the evening version that is drunk an pure evil.
She blames me for her drinking she says that she hates me and accuses me of ruining her life.
When she starts I do not say anything, she just shouts and shouts at me. If I dare reply it is like throwing jet fuel on a fire. She explodes into a screaming rage.
I tried to get her to calm down a few months ago so she tried to get a hammer and smash the windows in the house. She managed to get hold of a large candle and smashed the backdoor window. She raged on and on screaming and staggering around the house.
After a few hours she eventually collapses in bed fully clothed.
She says to me that drinking and smoking is the only thing she has. I give her my entire full time wage every month and she gives me scraps of spending money on a weekend to take my daughter to to the park or just out of her way.
Ive told close freinds what she is like and they just laugh at me and say just leave the bitch.
But I tell them I can't leave my daughter.
My partner has convinced all her freinds that it's me that is making her depressed and that he hates me. She is very good at crying the poor tale and making people think she is completely innocent an that it's me that causes all the issues.
I do not drink or smoke at all as my main focus is looking after my daughter an making sure she is as happy as possible.
I just wish my partner would stop drinking, if she did everything would be perfect. But her freinds tell her that there is nothing with a couple of glasses of wine on an evening but she is having 3 or 4 bottles a night. I just wish her freinds knew what he was really like, I'm sure they'd be quite shocked.
SHe often goes to the doctors but he never seems to ask about alcohol. Im sure she'd lie about how much she has but surely it should be having some kind of medical effect in her?
I have no idea what to say to her to make her stop. If I mention anything to her during the day about it she gets angry and drinks more that evening resulting in even more extemr abuse.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
Why can't you take your daughter with you when you leave? No child deserves to have to live in that chaos. If the little girl is yours, you have every right to take her away from the abuse.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NS, Canada
Posts: 160
Imho, you have to get your daughter out of that house and worry about your partner later. If you are afraid for your child's well being, and for yourself, you have to get out.... Leave, make a report and ask for help asap. It's not only your right, it's your responsibility as a dad.
I'm so sorry for your situation. First things first though, look after your daughter.
I'm so sorry for your situation. First things first though, look after your daughter.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
Originally Posted by Mickb2513 
I have no idea what to say to her to make her stop. If I mention anything to her during the day about it she gets angry and drinks more that evening resulting in even more extemr abuse.
Bigger question, what are still doing with her, and why do you give her all your money?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
Get a video camera and set it up somewhere out of the way and record her behavior. Use it when you go for full custody. Then get your daughter the heck out of there. What do you think watching her Mother behave this way is going to do to her?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
If you refuse to take your daughter out of that nasty situation, at least decide that the next time she starts smashing things up and you are holed up with your daughter, YOU will call the police. Don't even tell her, just do it. Keeping journals is nice, but it's a matter of he said-she said. Documentation with the police will go a lot farther as proof that she isn't a fit parent.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Take your daughter and get out or call the police and have her removed. Keeping your daughter in the next room is not shielding her from abuse. Hearing her mother rage in the next room is damaging.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 879
I am so sorry you and your daughter are dealing with this. I know that you want to make it better with her but you can't. She's doing it over & over & suffering no consequences. She sounds like a master manipulator! Something alcoholics are good at. If you can, please leave with your little girl. It is hard to leave and change, but step by step you can do it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Get the hell out of there. You and your daughter do NOT have to live like that. Or, if it is your house, get her out of there... really. You are so enmeshed in this drama, so wrapped up in it, you can no longer see the insanity. Get some help. Protect your daughter.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NS, Canada
Posts: 160
Hope all is well this evening. Virtual **{hugs}} to you and your daughter.
I also wanted to say that you may not have considered the fact that exposing your daughter to your partner's nightly verbal and violent rages may unfortunately be setting her up (for lack of better wording) to eventually become an abuser or an abusee ... for no other reason than this is slowly becoming the "norm" for her; what she's used to; what she knows; what she (oddly) will be "uncomfortable-yet-comfortable" with on some strange and horrible level.
Abused children often end up in abusive relationship after abusive relationship .. boys who see their dads beat up their moms often end up doing the same to their girlfriends or wives .... and sometimes why alkies run in families ... they are often drawn to what they "know". *sigh*
It's not too late to stop your daughter from learning this. As much as she is (hopefully) being told that this situation is NOT OK, the behaviour and actions will have the biggest impact.
You have a GREAT opportunity right now to show your child how to look after a tough situation by getting out and getting help. You have a GREAT opportunity to show her that she can count on you, the man in her life, her dad. She needs to have someone she can count on. And, thanks to you doing that for her, she will definitely have a better chance at happiness - you can be sure of that.
**** more hugs to you }}
I also wanted to say that you may not have considered the fact that exposing your daughter to your partner's nightly verbal and violent rages may unfortunately be setting her up (for lack of better wording) to eventually become an abuser or an abusee ... for no other reason than this is slowly becoming the "norm" for her; what she's used to; what she knows; what she (oddly) will be "uncomfortable-yet-comfortable" with on some strange and horrible level.
Abused children often end up in abusive relationship after abusive relationship .. boys who see their dads beat up their moms often end up doing the same to their girlfriends or wives .... and sometimes why alkies run in families ... they are often drawn to what they "know". *sigh*
It's not too late to stop your daughter from learning this. As much as she is (hopefully) being told that this situation is NOT OK, the behaviour and actions will have the biggest impact.
You have a GREAT opportunity right now to show your child how to look after a tough situation by getting out and getting help. You have a GREAT opportunity to show her that she can count on you, the man in her life, her dad. She needs to have someone she can count on. And, thanks to you doing that for her, she will definitely have a better chance at happiness - you can be sure of that.
**** more hugs to you }}
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Singapore
Posts: 737
IMO, everyone here is spot on. Nothing you can do to make this woman stop drinking, she's alcoholic and obviously unwilling - a combination that usually ends in some truly supernatural denial and blame. Intervention is a TV show, full stop. Anyone had intervened with me at my worst and fists would have flown. Come to think of it now, forget intervention, fists did fly quite a few times just from people trying to take bottles away from me.
I'm very sorry to say but in my experience it's only a matter of time before something tragic and irreversible happens as long as someone filled with that much accusation and anger adds regular overdoses of alcohol. The probability of tragedy increases each time it happens and your wife is successful in avoiding any real consequences. Plainly a child shouldn't be within 5 miles of this behavior, under any circumstances.
You need to get your daughter and leave, of course, but as a man I understand the possibility exists that authorities could grab your daughter and place her right back in your wife's hands. Like it or not there is judicial prejudice against men when it comes to custody battles and other situations just like this one. I understand you're in a tricky spot, believe me.
Like Ru12 said, here's what you can [read: must] do: gather what evidence you can of her behavior using audio and video. Audio you can do from your phone like you have, but get in the habit of doing it EVERY TIME. As soon as the yelling starts put your finger on the button discreetly and hit record. Video cams are now cheap enough that a discreet hidden cam and USB recording drive won't cost you more than 100.00, cheaper even. They can record for days at a time and the data is uploaded to a secure server easily - again, completely inexpensive. Video is very compelling evidence for anyone who would otherwise take this persons word over yours, and in a custody court battle, video is even more compelling.
Record her violence, outbursts, and even the eventual blackouts, and time stamp it. Log any evidence of her destroying things - as you have been, and catch her threats of violence and malicious prosecution with the audio and video. This is so important for you to do, not just to prove to police you're the one getting abused - but like I said - men in this situation are facing a legal system that sways in favor of the mother. It is VERY important you get proof/solid irrefutable evidence of the antics she is capable of inflicting on you and your daughter because otherwise she can and will try to manipulate the court system once you're gone. And you need to be gone very soon.
I can't stress it enough, gather your evidence, itemize and date it, and quietly spirit it off to a lawyers office. Whether or not you are planning on leaving her permanently you REALLY need to make a lawyer aware of these things now. Get a lawyer as soon as possible. Once you've put up with enough to get some solid evidence, get your daughter and leave when a safe opportunity arises. If you're worried about where to go and how to pay for it, start planning and saving for that part RIGHT NOW. Worst case scenario ask someone for a loan, and/or ask a friend or relative to put you up for a month. Prepare for these eventualities. With enough evidence you can have her removed. In the meantime, try to shield your daughter from the antics as much as you can - but if it gets ridiculous, just get out with your daughter first opportunity.
Don't even bother trying to reconcile or influence the relationship you have with her at this point, just simply leave her to her booze and anger. I'm an alcoholic and I am telling you - intervening to try and help will result in negative consequences, considering the disposition you've outlined. She's on this ride until she bottoms or has experienced enough drama to figure out how insane she has been. My bet, based on your post, she will bottom before turning the other cheek.
Until you can leave - Suki is 100% right, call the police on her every single time she blows her top drunk. Not just for your daughters and your safety, but also because a police presence records the behavior of the parties involved and those logs are kept on record. More extremely useful data to present at custody hearings. Another thing I forgot to mention, by getting a lawyer right now, at the very least your story of her threats are on record with that lawyer, so the police can be given his/her contact information to help verify that your wife has threatened you with malicious prosecution many times in the past.
The end result of a child growing up watching that kind of abuse and anger is not pretty, I know because I'm a child that grew up with that kind of activity and for plenty of years my life sucked as a result. Please get your daughter away from it and take these steps to ensure custody will sway in your favor. At any age a child is impressionable, the younger they are, the worse it can affect them. I can guarantee that "worse " is what you have to look forward to - if you keep allowing these patterns to continue and not taking steps to get that sickness away from you and your daughter permanently.
And BTW, forget her friends opinions, they mean exactly 0. They are inconsequential to you. Her friends are this way so she has a support system to avoid consequences. She's telling them anything so they will back her up and reinforce her own bad behavior. To hell with anyone who isn't living smack dab in the middle of the crap your wife is causing. Her friends don't have a chance anyway, because an alcoholic is a master manipulator at our very core - when we are knee deep in the sickness. Add alcoholic to a hateful and spiteful person and you've a powder keg waiting to go "boom".
Mate, a co-worker and close friend of mine has gone through exactly this kind of abuse and didn't come out unscathed. If your wife is capable of the things you say than trust me, she is also capable of a lot worse. Maybe not yet, but soon enough, and usually sooner than you think. Protect yourself and your child now.
I'm very sorry to say but in my experience it's only a matter of time before something tragic and irreversible happens as long as someone filled with that much accusation and anger adds regular overdoses of alcohol. The probability of tragedy increases each time it happens and your wife is successful in avoiding any real consequences. Plainly a child shouldn't be within 5 miles of this behavior, under any circumstances.
You need to get your daughter and leave, of course, but as a man I understand the possibility exists that authorities could grab your daughter and place her right back in your wife's hands. Like it or not there is judicial prejudice against men when it comes to custody battles and other situations just like this one. I understand you're in a tricky spot, believe me.
Like Ru12 said, here's what you can [read: must] do: gather what evidence you can of her behavior using audio and video. Audio you can do from your phone like you have, but get in the habit of doing it EVERY TIME. As soon as the yelling starts put your finger on the button discreetly and hit record. Video cams are now cheap enough that a discreet hidden cam and USB recording drive won't cost you more than 100.00, cheaper even. They can record for days at a time and the data is uploaded to a secure server easily - again, completely inexpensive. Video is very compelling evidence for anyone who would otherwise take this persons word over yours, and in a custody court battle, video is even more compelling.
Record her violence, outbursts, and even the eventual blackouts, and time stamp it. Log any evidence of her destroying things - as you have been, and catch her threats of violence and malicious prosecution with the audio and video. This is so important for you to do, not just to prove to police you're the one getting abused - but like I said - men in this situation are facing a legal system that sways in favor of the mother. It is VERY important you get proof/solid irrefutable evidence of the antics she is capable of inflicting on you and your daughter because otherwise she can and will try to manipulate the court system once you're gone. And you need to be gone very soon.
I can't stress it enough, gather your evidence, itemize and date it, and quietly spirit it off to a lawyers office. Whether or not you are planning on leaving her permanently you REALLY need to make a lawyer aware of these things now. Get a lawyer as soon as possible. Once you've put up with enough to get some solid evidence, get your daughter and leave when a safe opportunity arises. If you're worried about where to go and how to pay for it, start planning and saving for that part RIGHT NOW. Worst case scenario ask someone for a loan, and/or ask a friend or relative to put you up for a month. Prepare for these eventualities. With enough evidence you can have her removed. In the meantime, try to shield your daughter from the antics as much as you can - but if it gets ridiculous, just get out with your daughter first opportunity.
Don't even bother trying to reconcile or influence the relationship you have with her at this point, just simply leave her to her booze and anger. I'm an alcoholic and I am telling you - intervening to try and help will result in negative consequences, considering the disposition you've outlined. She's on this ride until she bottoms or has experienced enough drama to figure out how insane she has been. My bet, based on your post, she will bottom before turning the other cheek.
Until you can leave - Suki is 100% right, call the police on her every single time she blows her top drunk. Not just for your daughters and your safety, but also because a police presence records the behavior of the parties involved and those logs are kept on record. More extremely useful data to present at custody hearings. Another thing I forgot to mention, by getting a lawyer right now, at the very least your story of her threats are on record with that lawyer, so the police can be given his/her contact information to help verify that your wife has threatened you with malicious prosecution many times in the past.
The end result of a child growing up watching that kind of abuse and anger is not pretty, I know because I'm a child that grew up with that kind of activity and for plenty of years my life sucked as a result. Please get your daughter away from it and take these steps to ensure custody will sway in your favor. At any age a child is impressionable, the younger they are, the worse it can affect them. I can guarantee that "worse " is what you have to look forward to - if you keep allowing these patterns to continue and not taking steps to get that sickness away from you and your daughter permanently.
And BTW, forget her friends opinions, they mean exactly 0. They are inconsequential to you. Her friends are this way so she has a support system to avoid consequences. She's telling them anything so they will back her up and reinforce her own bad behavior. To hell with anyone who isn't living smack dab in the middle of the crap your wife is causing. Her friends don't have a chance anyway, because an alcoholic is a master manipulator at our very core - when we are knee deep in the sickness. Add alcoholic to a hateful and spiteful person and you've a powder keg waiting to go "boom".
Mate, a co-worker and close friend of mine has gone through exactly this kind of abuse and didn't come out unscathed. If your wife is capable of the things you say than trust me, she is also capable of a lot worse. Maybe not yet, but soon enough, and usually sooner than you think. Protect yourself and your child now.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Please get in touch with your local Demestic abuse Center...they are usually listed in the front pages of your phone book.
No one needs to live in fear ....
And here is your post in the Friends & Family Forum where more replies have been posted
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html
I'm closeing this one in favor of the link above...to keep down the confusion of double postings.
Members can go there if they wish to share more with you.
No one needs to live in fear ....
And here is your post in the Friends & Family Forum where more replies have been posted
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html
I'm closeing this one in favor of the link above...to keep down the confusion of double postings.
Members can go there if they wish to share more with you.
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