My fiancé is an abusive alcoholic
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 8
My fiancé is an abusive alcoholic
I am a 28 year old man and I've been with my fiancé for nearly 8 years. We have the most beautiful 3 year old daughter and she is the most perfect little angel I have ever been blessed to meet.
My fiancé is now 41, she has 3 kids from a previous marraige aged 20, 16 and 13.
It's got to the stage now where I suffer 7 nights a week of the most vile distgusting horrific drunken verbal abuse you could imagine. My fiancé hides alcohol in the cupboards and in the wardrobes upstairs so she always has a drink to hand. The 16 girl and 13 year old boy either shut them selves away in there rooms or go to there dads.
When my partner is sober she is absolutely perfect, we get on really well and have no issues but she drinks and turns into a completely different person.
I keep longing for the day she change and stop drinking but she won't.
I don't speak to her daughter because of the horrible lies my partner has told her. I think she tells her these lies to try and justify to herself why she is so abusive towards me.
I used to get on very well with her daughter and I used to take both her and her brother out and do activities like rock climbing and walking.
Me and the kids used to laugh all the time but one evening A few years ago my partner got really drunk and started accusing me of interfering with her daughter. I could not believe what she was accusinge of. I went mad with her but it was like throwing fuel on a fire. I thought I had no choice so I went upstairs to her daughters room and asked her to come down. On the stairs I told her why her mother was shouting and what she was accusing me of. Her daughter instantly burst into tears and asked me what was wrong with her mum. I simply said 'she's' drunk.
My partner then screamed at me for involving her daughter. They then spent hours in the kitchen talking about me.my partner created all these lies about me and said that is the reason why she was shouting.
After that I decided that it would be best to try and distance myself from her daughter, I stopped spending time with both kids and stopped taking them out. Her daughter couldn't understand why but because of the abuse she heard since that night she now hates me and believes everything her drunken mother says. I was so angry at been accused of something so horrible I went out of my mind. It stll upsets me now. I have never had an appology and never get appologies for the abuse it simply gets forgotten about until the next evening.
I still get on very well with her son, we play computer games and go out places.
On a normal day we both get home from work, I pick our daughter up from school and the other 2 kids get home from school. My partner goes into the kitchen to cook tea while I play with our daughter. Her 2 kids just go to there rooms. Whilst cooking my partner sneaks a bottle of wine out and drinks. When it gets to about 7ish I tell my partner that I'm going to bath our daughter. If I'm lucky I get a normal reply but normally she'll snap at me and say something nasty. I'll bath my daughter and get her ready fir bed then I'll bring her down for some supper. We then go to bed and I read her a story and possibly watch a DVD. I always stay with my daughter until she is asleep. Normally she's fast asleep by 8 - 8.30. by this time my partner will be completely drunk. I come downstairs and she'll just start saying really nasty things to me or accuse me of something I haven't done. I've learned not to answer her back because it just makes it worse. I just sit and try make out everything is ok. She either goes absolutely mental or just huffs and puffs and slams doors in my face and mutters nasty comments.
It's an absolute living hell, I feel ashamed because I feel that it's my fault, I've got myself in this situation so I have to live with it. My best mate can't understand why I'm with her and tells me to leave but I can't.
I feel that I can't leave for numerous reasons
1: my daughter, i miss her when I go to work so not seeing her for days on end would kill me
2: financial situation, if I leave she will loose the house and the whole family will have to move including my daughter
3: she tells me that if I leave I will have to give her nearly all of my wage so I basically won't be able to live myself
4: I do actually love my fiancé, if she didn't drink our lives would be fantastic
please can anyone offer me some advice?
My fiancé is now 41, she has 3 kids from a previous marraige aged 20, 16 and 13.
It's got to the stage now where I suffer 7 nights a week of the most vile distgusting horrific drunken verbal abuse you could imagine. My fiancé hides alcohol in the cupboards and in the wardrobes upstairs so she always has a drink to hand. The 16 girl and 13 year old boy either shut them selves away in there rooms or go to there dads.
When my partner is sober she is absolutely perfect, we get on really well and have no issues but she drinks and turns into a completely different person.
I keep longing for the day she change and stop drinking but she won't.
I don't speak to her daughter because of the horrible lies my partner has told her. I think she tells her these lies to try and justify to herself why she is so abusive towards me.
I used to get on very well with her daughter and I used to take both her and her brother out and do activities like rock climbing and walking.
Me and the kids used to laugh all the time but one evening A few years ago my partner got really drunk and started accusing me of interfering with her daughter. I could not believe what she was accusinge of. I went mad with her but it was like throwing fuel on a fire. I thought I had no choice so I went upstairs to her daughters room and asked her to come down. On the stairs I told her why her mother was shouting and what she was accusing me of. Her daughter instantly burst into tears and asked me what was wrong with her mum. I simply said 'she's' drunk.
My partner then screamed at me for involving her daughter. They then spent hours in the kitchen talking about me.my partner created all these lies about me and said that is the reason why she was shouting.
After that I decided that it would be best to try and distance myself from her daughter, I stopped spending time with both kids and stopped taking them out. Her daughter couldn't understand why but because of the abuse she heard since that night she now hates me and believes everything her drunken mother says. I was so angry at been accused of something so horrible I went out of my mind. It stll upsets me now. I have never had an appology and never get appologies for the abuse it simply gets forgotten about until the next evening.
I still get on very well with her son, we play computer games and go out places.
On a normal day we both get home from work, I pick our daughter up from school and the other 2 kids get home from school. My partner goes into the kitchen to cook tea while I play with our daughter. Her 2 kids just go to there rooms. Whilst cooking my partner sneaks a bottle of wine out and drinks. When it gets to about 7ish I tell my partner that I'm going to bath our daughter. If I'm lucky I get a normal reply but normally she'll snap at me and say something nasty. I'll bath my daughter and get her ready fir bed then I'll bring her down for some supper. We then go to bed and I read her a story and possibly watch a DVD. I always stay with my daughter until she is asleep. Normally she's fast asleep by 8 - 8.30. by this time my partner will be completely drunk. I come downstairs and she'll just start saying really nasty things to me or accuse me of something I haven't done. I've learned not to answer her back because it just makes it worse. I just sit and try make out everything is ok. She either goes absolutely mental or just huffs and puffs and slams doors in my face and mutters nasty comments.
It's an absolute living hell, I feel ashamed because I feel that it's my fault, I've got myself in this situation so I have to live with it. My best mate can't understand why I'm with her and tells me to leave but I can't.
I feel that I can't leave for numerous reasons
1: my daughter, i miss her when I go to work so not seeing her for days on end would kill me
2: financial situation, if I leave she will loose the house and the whole family will have to move including my daughter
3: she tells me that if I leave I will have to give her nearly all of my wage so I basically won't be able to live myself
4: I do actually love my fiancé, if she didn't drink our lives would be fantastic
please can anyone offer me some advice?
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Oh hun, it does sounds like a nightmare. I went through the same thing for a long time. Not as long as you but it was very bad every night for a good year or so.
Firstly, it's NOT your fault and you have nothing to feel ashamed about. I used to feel shame too because I put up with it but come to realise from being here that there's no shame in having hope and looking for the positive in a bad situation.
It sounds to me that your AF has a problem and she knows she has a problem but to admit that would require her to work on herself. She's not ready so she's acting out, blaming you, making you her verbal punchbag. If she concentrates on you, your "faults", your problems, what you do wrong, then it takes the attention away from herself.
My A was the same, in a rage all the time, every night it would start and I played right into his hands by trying to justify myself, argue with him, reason with him, make him understand he was wrong...god what a waste of time.
There is NO reasoning with a drunk. Arguing, yelling, reasoning...all a waste of time. When she starts on you, she WANTS a confrontation.
You heard about detachment? It saved my sanity. If he would start I would calmly tell him I wasn't going to speak to him whilst he was drunk...if he carried on I would leave the room, go to bed, leave the house, put my headphones on etc. It took a long time but he eventually learnt that I wasn't going to argue back with him, nor sit there and take it and so the episodes became less frequent.
Do you enable your AF at all? Make it easier for her to drink, drive her places, loan her money, buy her booze, pay bills, clean up drunken messes, put her to bed whilst intoxicated etc? If you do, you should stop. She's not your responsibility.
Apart from detaching and stopping enabling the most important thing for you is to educate yourself about alcoholism.
You may not be ready to leave her but there are ways to make living with an active A more bearable. That means putting you and your kids first and essentially getting on without factoring her into your plans.
Anyway, sorry I'm rambling..too much info for your first post maybe.
Welcome to SR! *hugs*
Firstly, it's NOT your fault and you have nothing to feel ashamed about. I used to feel shame too because I put up with it but come to realise from being here that there's no shame in having hope and looking for the positive in a bad situation.
It sounds to me that your AF has a problem and she knows she has a problem but to admit that would require her to work on herself. She's not ready so she's acting out, blaming you, making you her verbal punchbag. If she concentrates on you, your "faults", your problems, what you do wrong, then it takes the attention away from herself.
My A was the same, in a rage all the time, every night it would start and I played right into his hands by trying to justify myself, argue with him, reason with him, make him understand he was wrong...god what a waste of time.
There is NO reasoning with a drunk. Arguing, yelling, reasoning...all a waste of time. When she starts on you, she WANTS a confrontation.
You heard about detachment? It saved my sanity. If he would start I would calmly tell him I wasn't going to speak to him whilst he was drunk...if he carried on I would leave the room, go to bed, leave the house, put my headphones on etc. It took a long time but he eventually learnt that I wasn't going to argue back with him, nor sit there and take it and so the episodes became less frequent.
Do you enable your AF at all? Make it easier for her to drink, drive her places, loan her money, buy her booze, pay bills, clean up drunken messes, put her to bed whilst intoxicated etc? If you do, you should stop. She's not your responsibility.
Apart from detaching and stopping enabling the most important thing for you is to educate yourself about alcoholism.
You may not be ready to leave her but there are ways to make living with an active A more bearable. That means putting you and your kids first and essentially getting on without factoring her into your plans.
Anyway, sorry I'm rambling..too much info for your first post maybe.
Welcome to SR! *hugs*
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Somewhere, our planet
Posts: 174
Hi Mickb,
First off, I completely understand and feel your pain. The alcoholic in my life is my sister, but I have dealt with many of the same things it sounds like you are going through--the emotional abuse and blackmail, the blame game, the spreading of lies. Of course it's your fault. Of course she is not to blame. Of course you are in the wrong, and she never is. She is an alcoholic, and this is what alcoholics do. And she will continue to spread lies, scream, and yell in order to get her way until she is ready to change.
It sounds like a very toxic situation not only for you, but also for your children, especially your youngest who, at 3, cannot possibly understand the scope of what's going on. All she knows is that mom and dad fight, dad gets emotionally and verbally abused by mom, and it happens over and over again. Not the most stable situation for a child to be in (I speak from experience, although my dad was the emotional abuser, and my mom just took it and then gave it to her children--verbal and emotional abuse).
Your partner screams at you for telling your daughter the truth--that mom is an alcoholic. Your partner yells and makes up things about you, tries to turn the children against you, to cover up her problem. If she tells your children that YOU are the problem, then the focus is taken off of her and she can continue to drink and be destructive and abusive. She can continue to live the life she has chosen--drink and blame dad for everything. And although 3 of the children are teenagers, they cannot defend themselves against this. It sounds like they've learned that you "don't cross mom" and believe her or avoid the situation as a defense mechanism.
You are not to blame here, and nor do you deserve such treatment. You did not cause her to become an alcoholic, and you cannot cure her.
You say that you cannot leave and that you "do love her, and if she didn't drink, your lives would be fantastic." Oh how I relate! I used to think that, too: if my sister wouldn't drink, our relationship would be great, too. But she does drink, and thus I have no choice but to accept that she chooses not to get help and move on with my own life.
You can make the choice to get help for yourself. Read the stickies above, and think about therapy or Al Anon. I've been seeing a therapist for awhile now, who has helped me tremendously. On Tuesday I will finally be trying my first Al Anon meeting.
Change is scary and change takes time, but you--and your children--deserve to live a life that is separate from her chaos.
Sending you good thoughts.
First off, I completely understand and feel your pain. The alcoholic in my life is my sister, but I have dealt with many of the same things it sounds like you are going through--the emotional abuse and blackmail, the blame game, the spreading of lies. Of course it's your fault. Of course she is not to blame. Of course you are in the wrong, and she never is. She is an alcoholic, and this is what alcoholics do. And she will continue to spread lies, scream, and yell in order to get her way until she is ready to change.
It sounds like a very toxic situation not only for you, but also for your children, especially your youngest who, at 3, cannot possibly understand the scope of what's going on. All she knows is that mom and dad fight, dad gets emotionally and verbally abused by mom, and it happens over and over again. Not the most stable situation for a child to be in (I speak from experience, although my dad was the emotional abuser, and my mom just took it and then gave it to her children--verbal and emotional abuse).
Your partner screams at you for telling your daughter the truth--that mom is an alcoholic. Your partner yells and makes up things about you, tries to turn the children against you, to cover up her problem. If she tells your children that YOU are the problem, then the focus is taken off of her and she can continue to drink and be destructive and abusive. She can continue to live the life she has chosen--drink and blame dad for everything. And although 3 of the children are teenagers, they cannot defend themselves against this. It sounds like they've learned that you "don't cross mom" and believe her or avoid the situation as a defense mechanism.
You are not to blame here, and nor do you deserve such treatment. You did not cause her to become an alcoholic, and you cannot cure her.
You say that you cannot leave and that you "do love her, and if she didn't drink, your lives would be fantastic." Oh how I relate! I used to think that, too: if my sister wouldn't drink, our relationship would be great, too. But she does drink, and thus I have no choice but to accept that she chooses not to get help and move on with my own life.
You can make the choice to get help for yourself. Read the stickies above, and think about therapy or Al Anon. I've been seeing a therapist for awhile now, who has helped me tremendously. On Tuesday I will finally be trying my first Al Anon meeting.
Change is scary and change takes time, but you--and your children--deserve to live a life that is separate from her chaos.
Sending you good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Mick
She needs help.. If you can get her into a treatment center somewhere.. She sounds like at this point beyond her own 'thinking control'.
Good chance if she doesn't get help she will OD and kill herself and/or someone else.
Yes it 100% sucks.. But treat her like she needs help.
Been there done that....
AG
She needs help.. If you can get her into a treatment center somewhere.. She sounds like at this point beyond her own 'thinking control'.
Good chance if she doesn't get help she will OD and kill herself and/or someone else.
Yes it 100% sucks.. But treat her like she needs help.
Been there done that....
AG
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Somewhere, our planet
Posts: 174
Originally Posted by Tally 
There is NO reasoning with a drunk. Arguing, yelling, reasoning...all a waste of time. When she starts on you, she WANTS a confrontation.
And welcome, Mick. We hope you'll stick around and continue to post. We are here for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 8
Hello,
wow, thank you so much for your replies.
As you can probably tell this is my 1st time posting about this kind of thing.
Like I said in my original post, I spoke to my best mate about it and because he's never been through anything like this he can't offer any real advice or understand what I'm going through.
As for my 3 year old daughter hearing the abuse, I put all my effort into sheilding her from it. That's why I make sure she is fast alseep before I go downstairs to face the impending wrath.
My partner simply will not accept she has a problem it's unbelievable. Over the years we have found ourselves in numerous rediculous bad situations.
Because of her drinking it changed my attitude towards drink. I used to have the odd pint but now I don't drink at all.
my parents never drank and I've never known anyone that has had such a problem with alcohol. I'm learning so much about alcoholism and so much of it matches my situation.
It's embarrasing when I see the adverts saying that he did this and he did that, it's almost as if I'm the woman in the relationship. Looking after the kids while she goes out with mates getting drunk. She accuses me of seeing other women she says that I text people even though I'm not allowed credit. It's unbelievable.
You have mo idea how it feels to actually be able to speak to people that have experienced this.
Thank so much
wow, thank you so much for your replies.
As you can probably tell this is my 1st time posting about this kind of thing.
Like I said in my original post, I spoke to my best mate about it and because he's never been through anything like this he can't offer any real advice or understand what I'm going through.
As for my 3 year old daughter hearing the abuse, I put all my effort into sheilding her from it. That's why I make sure she is fast alseep before I go downstairs to face the impending wrath.
My partner simply will not accept she has a problem it's unbelievable. Over the years we have found ourselves in numerous rediculous bad situations.
Because of her drinking it changed my attitude towards drink. I used to have the odd pint but now I don't drink at all.
my parents never drank and I've never known anyone that has had such a problem with alcohol. I'm learning so much about alcoholism and so much of it matches my situation.
It's embarrasing when I see the adverts saying that he did this and he did that, it's almost as if I'm the woman in the relationship. Looking after the kids while she goes out with mates getting drunk. She accuses me of seeing other women she says that I text people even though I'm not allowed credit. It's unbelievable.
You have mo idea how it feels to actually be able to speak to people that have experienced this.
Thank so much
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
It's an absolute living hell, I feel ashamed because I feel that it's my fault, I've got myself in this situation so I have to live with it. My best mate can't understand why I'm with her and tells me to leave but I can't.
I am a recovering alcoholic and was also married to an alcoholic/crack addict. I was ashamed too, and felt I had to just suffer with my choices. I had much to learn, and I finally got free.
first, you must remember,
you did not cause this,
you can not control this,
and you can not cure this.
what can you do? you have started by talking to people, like coming here.
are there any al-anon meetings near you? they are specifically for the people who love an alcoholic.
there will be others to come along to share their experience, strength and hope with you.
i feel your misery, and hope you will find some help and peace for you and your family.
beth
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: In Between
Posts: 39
Hi Mick, and WELCOME!!! I too am new here, I just joined yesterday, and I already feel like it has helped me, and let me assure you we do know how wonderful it feels to talk to people who understand exactly what you are going through, it's indescribalbe!
I want to tell you first that your role in your relationship has nothing to do with gender. You are not behaving like the woman in the relationship, you are just the sober one in the relationship. I just ended things with my ABF about two months ago, and the pain is very fresh, and I know how hard it is to deal with all their hurtful, destructive behavior. It may feel like there is no hope right now, but there is. One thing that has really helped me are the sticky posts at the top of this page. I sat and read quite a few of them today, and WOW. You might want to check some of those out.
Other than that I have found that the more I understand alcoholism and the more I focus on me and my behavior, the better I start to feel. Keep coming here and posting, and stay strong.
I want to tell you first that your role in your relationship has nothing to do with gender. You are not behaving like the woman in the relationship, you are just the sober one in the relationship. I just ended things with my ABF about two months ago, and the pain is very fresh, and I know how hard it is to deal with all their hurtful, destructive behavior. It may feel like there is no hope right now, but there is. One thing that has really helped me are the sticky posts at the top of this page. I sat and read quite a few of them today, and WOW. You might want to check some of those out.
Other than that I have found that the more I understand alcoholism and the more I focus on me and my behavior, the better I start to feel. Keep coming here and posting, and stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I want to tell you first that your role in your relationship has nothing to do with gender. You are not behaving like the woman in the relationship, you are just the sober one in the relationship.
Take care of yourself and the children Mick.
Beth
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
The first thing I would do is get some legal advice and find out exactly what your rights are. Is there any legal reason why you cannot leave the home with your daughter and provide a place for the two of you? The other two kids aren't yours legally, unless you have adopted them, but your daughter is just as much yours as your fiance's. My advice...see an attorney.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Mick:
Welcome. You'll find lots of understanding people here. It doesn't matter if you are the healthy man or woman stuck in this situation, it happens and effects us all the same way. It's hell on earth, I know. But, you have to realize that you DID not cause it, and should not feel guilty. These situations seem to build until they are unbearable - and then when we've had enough, we've had enough.
I feel bad for you, but also the kids. Even her teenage kids. It's no family life. I'd think long and hard about what type of environment you are raising your daughter in - with her mom so sick with the illness. It really is progressive and only gets worse without treatment - which is something you can't force to happen - they have to want it desperately. I guess if I were you, I'd get myself to an Alanon meeting, make a plan for your future that is best for you, and the child/children - and remember what's good for you is also good for the alcoholic.
Sorry you are going through this... but I can tell you there is life after an alcoholic!
Welcome. You'll find lots of understanding people here. It doesn't matter if you are the healthy man or woman stuck in this situation, it happens and effects us all the same way. It's hell on earth, I know. But, you have to realize that you DID not cause it, and should not feel guilty. These situations seem to build until they are unbearable - and then when we've had enough, we've had enough.
I feel bad for you, but also the kids. Even her teenage kids. It's no family life. I'd think long and hard about what type of environment you are raising your daughter in - with her mom so sick with the illness. It really is progressive and only gets worse without treatment - which is something you can't force to happen - they have to want it desperately. I guess if I were you, I'd get myself to an Alanon meeting, make a plan for your future that is best for you, and the child/children - and remember what's good for you is also good for the alcoholic.
Sorry you are going through this... but I can tell you there is life after an alcoholic!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Mick,
Welcome to this forum. It is a tremendous source of help and support.
I am most sorry for your tender young daughter. You cannot possibly shield her from her mother, and what she is living with will impact her for life. If it sounds dramatic, that's because it is.
If you start to think about separating from this woman, start documenting the more horrible transgressions, those she makes as a mother. Verbal abuse is nothing to sneeze at, and the courts now are aware of how damaging this kind of environment is for a child.
I would suggest also, to visit an attorney. It doesn't commit you to anything - it is just an interest-finder.
And I know you love her. I know how wonderful she can be, otherwise you would not have fallen in love with her. Every single one of us has been desperately in love with our addict, whether it be a spouse, partner, or family member. Love is simply not enough.
Welcome to this forum. It is a tremendous source of help and support.
I am most sorry for your tender young daughter. You cannot possibly shield her from her mother, and what she is living with will impact her for life. If it sounds dramatic, that's because it is.
If you start to think about separating from this woman, start documenting the more horrible transgressions, those she makes as a mother. Verbal abuse is nothing to sneeze at, and the courts now are aware of how damaging this kind of environment is for a child.
I would suggest also, to visit an attorney. It doesn't commit you to anything - it is just an interest-finder.
And I know you love her. I know how wonderful she can be, otherwise you would not have fallen in love with her. Every single one of us has been desperately in love with our addict, whether it be a spouse, partner, or family member. Love is simply not enough.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
You know, Mickb, it may not seem like it, but everyone has choices. If you are living in hell, you have the power to remove yourself from it. Give your child an opportunity to grow up in a healthy safe home. Give yourself a chance to create a happy life. You love your gf/wife? Then give her a chance to deal with her illness--or not. Just because she is in hell does not mean you have to be. I may not be popular for saying this, but why force yourself to practice detachment and deal with this type of abuse if you can find ways to not suffer like this? The suffering is needless, for you or the poor children. You can seek custody of your daughter and with the things you described, it should not be challenging to prove that your gf is not exactly an examplary parent figure at this time. Maybe in the future she may be, but certainly not now. Yes, she may lose the house, but that will be the consequence of her drinking. Seek counseling, consult a lawyer, and think of your child--the type of home life you're describing is so damaging. Don't forget that you are in charge of your own life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by Mickb2513
I feel that I can't leave for numerous reasons
1: my daughter, i miss her when I go to work so not seeing her for days on end would kill me
2: financial situation, if I leave she will loose the house and the whole family will have to move including my daughter
3: she tells me that if I leave I will have to give her nearly all of my wage so I basically won't be able to live myself
4: I do actually love my fiancé, if she didn't drink our lives would be fantastic
please can anyone offer me some advice?
1: my daughter, i miss her when I go to work so not seeing her for days on end would kill me
2: financial situation, if I leave she will loose the house and the whole family will have to move including my daughter
3: she tells me that if I leave I will have to give her nearly all of my wage so I basically won't be able to live myself
4: I do actually love my fiancé, if she didn't drink our lives would be fantastic
please can anyone offer me some advice?
I'm NOT saying you are doing this. I doubt you are; you sound like a sensitive, loving father. But people in our situation have to be on guard for that. Me as well as you. For a long time it was just me and my little boys; I had to be aware of the natural tendency to elevate the parent child relationship into one that might be too much. Make sure you have at least one intimate relationship with another adult (not to be confused with a romantic one, I think women are better at finding nonromantic intimate relationships than men).
Next, check with a lawyer and find out what your rights as a father would be if you were to move out. In most places in America you can reasonably expect 50/50 parenting if you live close enough and advocate for it. It's possible for a father to get fulltime custody in the right circumstances. See if that holds true for where you live. If not, go for 50/50. 50% of the time in an organized well run house is better than 100% of the time in a dysfunctional house.
Also ask your attorney about gathering evidence of her unsuitability as a parent. Would witnesses help? A nannycam recording? Close monitoring by the court.
Sometimes you can't get full custody right off the bat; but at the beginning you mention she's addicted and an incapable parent (altho it's not illegal to parent while drunk usually). Prove that you can be a better parent. Sign up for parenting classes, be the one to take your daughter to the pediatrician, show up at her school for events. Let outsiders see you shouldering the major responsibility for her care. That sort of thing.
Then when you separate households, ask for full custody. Chances are at first you will be denied because courts don't take the opponent's word for dysfunction. But keep going back and supplying more and more evidence that you are the better parent and that she's dropping the ball. Ask for a parenting evaluation. Maybe at first she will get major custody, but as the evidence unfolds before the judge, you may be able to win full custody over time. If it takes two years of dilligence, you still get your daughter fulltime in a stable household for 11 years...which I would think is better than another 13 years living in hostile, violent chaos.
So it's important to talk to a lawyer.
2. In my opinion it's rediculous to stay in a miserable relationship so your addict doesn't lose the house. So what if she loses the house? Your stepkids can go live with their dad and your daughter can live with you. She'll manage. It might be the best thing for her to lose her house and her kids and her fiance. It might be beneficial for her kids too. It sounds like a nightmare household--everyone might benefit from losing it.
Also, don't be so sure you all will be able to keep the house if you stay. Alkies have an amazing capacity for losing their homes. You don't want to be dragged down with her.
3. She tells you you will have to give her all your money so that you won't even be able to support yourself. Really? Where did she get her law degree? How many years has she practiced family law? Or does she have a chrystal ball that reads the future?
Talk to an attorney. If she's your fiancee, you aren't married, so why on earth would you have to pay her any alimony? And if you get your child 50/50 why would you have to pay her much child support?
4. You love her, but does she love you? And who says you have to live with everyone you love? Love her all you want...from your own house. Everyone is lovely when they aren't hateful raging drunks. The problem is, the hateful raging drunk kills the lovely perfect mate you fell in love with--and will seek to kill you as well. Love is not a reason to live together or to even to speak to one another. It's certainly not a reason to accept abuse. How does that improve your life? How does it improve hers? Is she a better person for screaming abuse at you?
Please gather FACTUAL information from an attorney and rethink your position that you are stuck in this situation. You are no more stuck than anyone else. It's unfortunate that you share a child with her, but lots of us do share a child with an alkie, and if we leave, many many times, if we remain steadfast parents, the child drifts towards us in our stability and the alkie drifts out of the child's life. Alkies have very little to offer their children while they are actively addicted and they cause a lot of damage; giving your child a safe haven to negotiate her relationship with her difficult parent. Children who are protected from an out of control parent have a better chance of finding some good in their parent than if they feel they have to protect themelves from that parent.
I realize your daughter is very young and it's VERY scary to contemplate leaving her alone with her mother ever. But it's something we all here have to face. It IS hard. And even if you live with your fiance you won't be able to prevent your daughter from being alone with her mother.
You have to make very wise decisions here; a lot is counting on you to get it right. Right now you don't have enough information; do your research (talk to several lawyers), make goals, plan, and stop limiting your and your child's options.
Good luck to you.
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
Welcome... I hole a post in the near future will be titled either "my x-fiancé or my recovering fiancé". All I can say is a lot of great posts above and a tough situation for you. Figure out what you want to prioritize and go to it. Can you do an intervention? Family and friends that can he'll with the children.... A lot of variables. Wishing you the best.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 5
Thanks for your courage and willingness to share your story.
I'm a recovering alcoholic who also grew up in a dysfunctional family where I learned to cope with the alcoholic/addictive behavior of my parents. It wasn't until years later that I discovered that "I" had a part in all of it. For years, I was the victim and considered myself blameless. The important part of my recovery was not revealed until I got involved in the 12-step work of fellowships like CODA and Al-anon. My coping skills, survival skills, were terribly dysfunctional, even though I wasn't abusing any substances as a young adult. I lied for and protected my adult parents while still a child and young adult. Only when I discovered 12-step work years later did I improve things, both with my co-dependency and my own eventual alcoholism.
Remember, every person in the household, just like in mine, has developed their own methods, healthy or unhealthy to survive the alcoholic environment. In my case, that situation didn't help my adult health or prevent my own eventual alcoholism.
Hope my experience, strength, and hope is of some help.
Good luck and God bless.
I'm a recovering alcoholic who also grew up in a dysfunctional family where I learned to cope with the alcoholic/addictive behavior of my parents. It wasn't until years later that I discovered that "I" had a part in all of it. For years, I was the victim and considered myself blameless. The important part of my recovery was not revealed until I got involved in the 12-step work of fellowships like CODA and Al-anon. My coping skills, survival skills, were terribly dysfunctional, even though I wasn't abusing any substances as a young adult. I lied for and protected my adult parents while still a child and young adult. Only when I discovered 12-step work years later did I improve things, both with my co-dependency and my own eventual alcoholism.
Remember, every person in the household, just like in mine, has developed their own methods, healthy or unhealthy to survive the alcoholic environment. In my case, that situation didn't help my adult health or prevent my own eventual alcoholism.
Hope my experience, strength, and hope is of some help.
Good luck and God bless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 8
Thank you all so much in taking the time to reply to me.
I started my new job on Monday too and I'm finding it very difficult but my partners abuse is relentless. She just will not stop getting drunk and being horrible to me. I found an even higher paid job but this still doesn't make her happy.
I work full time and come straight home to my daughter so seeking advice from a lawyer is very difficult.
I came home from work this evening and she had been drinking, I took my daughter out of her way straight away and bathed her. My little princess is laid next to me now fast asleep.
My partner is downstairs drinking, slamming doors and ranting about me.
Thank you so much for being so understanding. I'm going to have to face her and tell her that this behavior is just not acceptable. It's not fair that i've got the pressure of a new job and have to come home to this abuse.
I started my new job on Monday too and I'm finding it very difficult but my partners abuse is relentless. She just will not stop getting drunk and being horrible to me. I found an even higher paid job but this still doesn't make her happy.
I work full time and come straight home to my daughter so seeking advice from a lawyer is very difficult.
I came home from work this evening and she had been drinking, I took my daughter out of her way straight away and bathed her. My little princess is laid next to me now fast asleep.
My partner is downstairs drinking, slamming doors and ranting about me.
Thank you so much for being so understanding. I'm going to have to face her and tell her that this behavior is just not acceptable. It's not fair that i've got the pressure of a new job and have to come home to this abuse.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Somewhere, our planet
Posts: 174
Originally Posted by Mickb2513
I found an even higher paid job but this still doesn't make her happy.
Originally Posted by Mickb2513
I'm going to have to face her and tell her that this behavior is just not acceptable. It's not fair that i've got the pressure of a new job and have to come home to this abuse.
Hugs and wishing you good thoughts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 8
It's Now 10.45pm
I've just had about 4 hours of abuse. She started off accusing me of flirting with other women at my new job then she just started hysterically screaming at me. I tried my best to calm her down but she ran upstairs screaming then started throwing my clothes everywhere I begged her to stop and said I can't take this as well as the pressure of a new job. She carried on screaming at me on and on. She kept threatening me saying she was going to call the police and have me arrested. Then she said she was going to run out of the house. I told her she's not running the streets drunk so I locked the doors, I kept begging her to calm down she even said that she wished my daughter wasn't mine. I broke down in tears but the abuse just kept coming. She has finally collapses on bed upstairs.
I feel completely drained. I feel that I have to be the calm one because if I where to flip my daughter will wake up in the middle of it. As I said before if I argue back it's like throwing fuel on a fire. My partner completely looses all self control and there are no boundaries to what she will do. She once ran out of the house screaming and jumped on my car. I had to get her back in the house without hurting her. She keeps begging me to hit her so she cab show the police. I have never hit her and never would. She said that she's going to throw all my belongings out onto the street while I'm at work tomorrow. So I'm going to be sat trying to learn a really hard job thinking about what she is doing.
When she starts on me I am genuinly scared I never know how far she is going to go. It ranges from a few nasty comments and slammed doors to what happened tonight with a screaming rage. Every time. I hear a creak of floor boards upstairs I shake and my heart starts pounding because I think she's going to come down and kick off again.
I've really got myself on such a mess. I just wish I could take my daughter and dissapear
I've just had about 4 hours of abuse. She started off accusing me of flirting with other women at my new job then she just started hysterically screaming at me. I tried my best to calm her down but she ran upstairs screaming then started throwing my clothes everywhere I begged her to stop and said I can't take this as well as the pressure of a new job. She carried on screaming at me on and on. She kept threatening me saying she was going to call the police and have me arrested. Then she said she was going to run out of the house. I told her she's not running the streets drunk so I locked the doors, I kept begging her to calm down she even said that she wished my daughter wasn't mine. I broke down in tears but the abuse just kept coming. She has finally collapses on bed upstairs.
I feel completely drained. I feel that I have to be the calm one because if I where to flip my daughter will wake up in the middle of it. As I said before if I argue back it's like throwing fuel on a fire. My partner completely looses all self control and there are no boundaries to what she will do. She once ran out of the house screaming and jumped on my car. I had to get her back in the house without hurting her. She keeps begging me to hit her so she cab show the police. I have never hit her and never would. She said that she's going to throw all my belongings out onto the street while I'm at work tomorrow. So I'm going to be sat trying to learn a really hard job thinking about what she is doing.
When she starts on me I am genuinly scared I never know how far she is going to go. It ranges from a few nasty comments and slammed doors to what happened tonight with a screaming rage. Every time. I hear a creak of floor boards upstairs I shake and my heart starts pounding because I think she's going to come down and kick off again.
I've really got myself on such a mess. I just wish I could take my daughter and dissapear
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: In Between
Posts: 39
Mick, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I went through many nights like this with my XA, before I told him he couldn't drink in our home anymore, and then eventually told him that he had to leave. I know the horrible feeling of your heart pounding when you hear them coming, and it's awful. Unfortunately you can't change her drinking or her behavior when she drinks. You do need to figure out some sort of boundaries that you can put in place, no one should have to live like that, and you definately don't want your daughter waking up and seeing or hearing that. You will definately find a lot of support here, so keep posting.
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