Originally Posted by ZZworldontheweb

Oh, yeah, they say that the drive to consume an addictive substance can grow to be just as strong as the drive for food or water. You literally feel like you're going to die if you don't get it. And the weird thing is, knowing intellectually that you you don't need the stuff to live doesn't lessen the drive. These substances (especially booze) are specifically engineered to mess with our brains and our logic centers.

People say "you hit bottom when you quit digging". The progression only goes one way. We all wanted to find some system or plateau where we could consume a certain amount, no more, and get the feeling we wanted without the bad effects. But your tolerance continues to grow, so that you can never reach that place. The amount required to achieve the desired effect grows and grows, and the interval between consumption and the onset of withdrawal symptoms shrinks and shrinks, and the symptoms get worse and worse, until eventually you're either a little bit drunk or going through withdrawal 24 hours a day. Either that or the amount required to get high becomes toxic.

That is a living hell, and you want to stop way, way before you get there.

I would encourage you to give up the idea of "one last fling" (I think you mentioned that), and just quit, like today. No "last fling" will ever be good enough to tide you over for the rest of your life, so you'll always be stuck with the idea that you had just one last big party left in you. This is a very dangerous way to think.

You need a plan. First, understand that you have a problem (It sounds like you are there). Second, quit, totally. No scaling back. Next, get through the withdrawal symptoms, then, figure out why your were drinking and develop a life that doesn't require it.

You have to do these things one at a time. Thinking about all of them at once is too much. Doing it alone is very risky. Doctor, family, support group. You need them all.

You seem quite sincere about wanting to change, I hope you are successful.

Originally Posted by KellyEurope

I love Dutch cheese, hmm.

As my Dutch-Canadian friend says, if you're not Dutch, you're not much!

And those windmills - so cute!

Wish I had money to travel this summer, I'd get to the Netherlands, Belgium, France, and Norway. Sigh.

Kelly

Originally Posted by SSIL75

Welcome!

The last thing your kids need is a holiday with you on a bender. I've taken my kids on trips like that You know, mimosas for breakfast. Wine with lunch and dinner. Afternoon cocktails. civilized benders

Can you go and stay sober?

I went on a trip in early sobriety. I remember it very vividly. There were triggers everywhere. I was tense, anxious and frustrated. The days were long. But they were full of activities, my children didn't spend 10 hours a day in front of Sponge Bob. We went to the park (multiple parks)! And the museum! When they got fussy during long restaurant meals with my family I didn't just bribe them with candy so I could finish my drinks. I read the writing on the wall and took them back to the apartment. I gave them a bath and read them books before bed and fell into a dark, heavy sleep.

So, it can be done. But IME you have to want it more than anything else.

Welcome again!