LostLotus

I finally realized that I have 2 choices here, quit drinking or die. I have tried so many times in the past and I'm so scared, there are so many roadblocks in my life I don't know how I'm going to do this. At work there is free beer that we can start drinking at 5.00 every day, all my friends are big drinkers, 3 of which I'm going to France with for a holiday next week... but I don't want to be this person anymore. My kids deserve better. I deserve better.

I would cancel my holiday but my kids really need this time away, I'm going through a divorce (luckily it's very amicable) and they need a break from all of this crap. My drinking problem is definitely one of the reasons for the divorce, and while the marriage can't be fixed I sincerely want to fix myself.

I'm quite hung over as I write this, and it's always easy for me to quit when I'm hung over, but I'm terrified for when I start to feel better because that's when I always start again. The last time I quit I made it nearly 3 months and honestly I was pretty miserable the whole time, but the hangovers are getting so much worse, my memory is nearly gone, and my relationship with my children is becoming strained and I really need to get myself together before I become a single mom again (their father passed away years ago - lucky them, their dad committed suicide and since then they've gotten to watch their mom drink herself to death).

Ugh I don't know what to do, I feel so helpless. Drinking has defined my life. I just removed the birthday sticker my friends gave me 'I love beer' from my computer, going to throw it away for good. I had removed it a few times in the last few months because I've been contemplating quitting for quite a while now, but I always put it back because I guess I wasn't ready.

I've lurked on this site for a while and read so many stories, while I don't think I've reached the level of drinking of some (never touch the hard stuff, don't drink in the mornings, etc), but this is ruining me. I'm 40 now and I think about who I could have become if I didn't have this demon, facing the 2nd half of my life and wondering who I'm going to end up be remembered as because I sure as hell don't want to be remembered as I am now

So this is it. I've been sitting in the dark for the last six hours, all my shades closed while it's a beautiful sunny day out, feeling sorry for myself, but now it's time to get up off this couch and let the light in and figure out where to go from here.

Sorry for the long post, I guess it's more of a monologue than anything, trying to sort myself out. I hope to someday be like the others here who successfully stopped, I have so much admiration for you all! Thank you so much for being here and posting all the information that you do!! And I really hope that this isn't my one and only post here because that will mean that I failed.

Dee74

Welcome to SR LostLotus

Coming here one morning in much the same state as you was the beginning of me turning my life around - I hope it will be for you too

You'll find a lot of support here

D

DoubtfulDebs

i was the same, good intentions for 24 hours while the hangover kicked my head in, then back to it, sometimes with the odd day of managing to have 'just one drink' which only deceived me, and led me on even more into not quite committing to quit.

in the end i found a system that works for me by helping me overcome that bit, for some people here AA helps them over it or SMART Recovery, there's all sorts of stuff out there because you're not alone in having that good intentions/'oops i'm drinking again' cycle!

debs

CarolD

Sorry to know of your difficulties...

Welcome to our recovery community..
All my best to you and your children.

LostLotus

Thanks so much, I actually had thoughts about quitting after France to have one last blowout or something and I keep having to push those thoughts away! How can I already start justifying when I still feel so hung over? I don't want to die in France and I know that's the direction I'm headed if I give in... I just keep telling myself that I'm allergic to alcohol and can't have it, like I am with fish. It's never a problem not to eat fish!!

Zebra1275

I finally realized that I have 2 choices here, quit drinking or die.

Personally, I would go for the first choice. So what's your plan to quit drinking?

David 1

Two thoughts come to mind: You say many of your friends drink quite a lot. As hard as this may be, you really need to find some friends that do not drink. It sounds like it may be a trigger for you especially since the beer is available after work.

I won't lie, the trip to France with drinkers will be hard. It sounds like you need the holiday but not the alcohol. Just take things one day at a time - That means focus on not drinking today.

Speaking of work; does your company offer a confidential and free Employee Assistance Program (EAP)? Seeking help from a professional counselor can help you formulate a recovery plan.

I also stopped drinking at age 40 (I am now 48) and life really does have so much to offer!

Dave

LostLotus

Oh it's not just after work, it starts an hour before the workday even ends. Every. Day. We have beer at our desks. And we also frequently have pub lunches where the pints flow freely (my company is a bit Mad Men-ish, minus the suits and ties). And the two non-drinkers I know, well they're just odd people that I can't imagine myself hanging out with, but my best girlfriend has been talking about wanting to do things that don't involve drinking because she's getting tired of always being hung over too, so I'll probably just do more things with her and we can support each other. There's really only one person I very much have to watch out for because he's definitely an alcoholic too (along with a cocaine problem) and we are the worst influences on each other! Luckily he's not joining the France gang.

I am definitely not drinking today. Tomorrow will be difficult, but Wednesday and Thursday will likely be the hardest. It's always when I start to physically feel better that I forget why I quit to begin with! I should take a picture of my legs right now, they're so bruised from bumping into things it looks like I've been in a car accident, and then when I want to drink, I should look at the pic. I hope they're gone by Friday because I don't want to explain to a bunch of Frenchies why I look like a battered wife while I'm on the beach in a bikini, bruises visible for all to see! This is ridiculous. I haven't been able to wear a skirt in a month because of this.

I really have no idea what my health insurance covers as far as that goes, and Dutch people tend to look down on mental health issues (I'm not Dutch but American) so I'm a little bit weirded out to talk to a professional and have that on my permanent medical record. But it may come down to that. Going to try on my own for now and use that as a last resort.

It's good to hear from someone else in my age group! Sometimes I feel like it's too late for me, I'm always kicking myself for having started drinking again after my pregnancies, I never had a problem not drinking then! But my kids' father was very convincing when he offered me that first beer even though I was terrified to put it to my lips because I had gotten used to being in control of my mental facilities. And then it was like I had never stopped. And then he was drunk when he killed himself. Ugh. There have been so many wake-up calls for me but I just bury my head in the sand

DoubtfulDebs

i'm 40 as well, they say life begins at 40.... we can hope!

i know it's never too late, i worked on this community project in 1996 with one guy who quit without avrt, AA or anything when he hit 52, and he was still solidly sober at 72, i saw him round town for another 10 years or so and always sober.

our past doesn't have to dictate our future, and whatever age you are there's always hope!

debs

LostLotus

Ah yes well even going through the divorce I'm enjoying life! Now to just learn how to enjoy it all sober!!!!! I've really been examining my life and I've always said before that I when I finally quit drinking, I would be doing the same things just without drinking, but I came to the realization that the things I did for fun were just to complement my drinking. Drinking was the actual activity. It was drinking and playing guitar, drinking and doing photography, drinking and cooking, drinking and boating, and now with the divorce going on it's been drinking and dating (although the latter was more of an accident, I hadn't intended to start dating just yet, just kind of happened but luckily the guy I'm kind of seeing hardly drinks at all. Whole other can of worms there, that dating thing.)

It's really good to hear stories of people doing this later in life though, definitely gives me hope. I want to be around and healthy to enjoy my future grandkids!!

DoubtfulDebs

i found exactly the same thing, i was planning a trip to the beach with one of my friends then i realised that what i was envisioning was sitting on the beach with a bottle of wine...

the guy who put me onto avrt told me he had that happen but then after about 5 months he started looking forward to the activities again for their own sake, and i remember when i hadn't gotten addicted yet i used to actually enjoy things as well for what they were - shock horror!

i'm not going to take that 5 months thing to the bank but i hope by the end of the year i'll be back in that place where my beast doesn't hijack every mental image or plan with a bottle of something, because that would lead me to think 'oh noes, everything's a trigger, i can never have a life again!' which is purest self-defeating bs (if you excuse my crudeness!)

i've had one heck of a lot of pleasure from drinking so it's only reasonable i might have a few uncomfortable months while i re-adjust to life without a blanket of ethanol.

and isn't it weird how alcohol hijacks bad feelings as 'justification' and potential good times as 'triggers'?! you literally cannot win if you fall for that both ways!

debs

CarolD

Hi everyone....

This thread has been moderated and posts removed...as well as other posts that quoted them.

The reason is...a link was posted to a site we do not allow on SR
I'm assumeing this was done in error...some of our new members are not aware.
.

CarolD

LostLocus ....
Here is a link with Secular methods

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cular-web.html

I so hope you will find your way......
: This can be your last drinking period.hangover.

LostLotus

Sorry about that, and thanks for the other link!

LostLotus

I'm looking forward to being able to enjoy things without alcohol, but in all honesty it's already a struggle, I'm thinking about things I need to do in the coming week and the bottle haunts, still popping up into every single thought. I would like for someday not to have to think about this at all, but that time will likely never come. My dad has been sober for 40 years and it still haunts him even after all this time. I've fed my own beast for so long, it feels bigger than I am, like a giant monster lurking inside of me. But I agree, a few months of discomfort will be worth the payoff.

ZZworldontheweb

You don't say how much you've been drinking, but if it's around a pint of hard liquor or more a day, you should talk to your doctor. Many people quit cold turkey to find they can't get past the withdrawal symptoms. Detox can help with this.

Once you're dry, it's all about re-structuring the way you think about things so that you're not compelled to pick up again. You AA wasn't for you, but you might want to try different meetings. They all have different character.

LostLotus

On weekdays I was drinking probably 6-8 beers per day. Weekends double that or a couple bottles of wine. I would go maybe 2 days a week without drinking, but I haven't gone 3 days in a row without drinking since the last time I actually quit a couple years ago. I think I only had DTs once a few months ago and I was in Iceland at the time with my one really bad influence friend, but I didn't realize that's what it was at the time otherwise I would have gone to the hospital. I didn't drink that day, couldn't have if I tried, and another friend thought maybe I actually got roofied because it was so bad. But who knows. Was the only time I had the shakes like that after drinking. I don't think I became full-blown physically addicted but I've been heading in that direction for quite some time...

I like how you use the word 'compelled' because that's definitely what it feels like, a compulsion. A compulsion that is like the big red button you're not supposed to push but you just can't help yourself.

ZZworldontheweb

Oh, yeah, they say that the drive to consume an addictive substance can grow to be just as strong as the drive for food or water. You literally feel like you're going to die if you don't get it. And the weird thing is, knowing intellectually that you you don't need the stuff to live doesn't lessen the drive. These substances (especially booze) are specifically engineered to mess with our brains and our logic centers.

People say "you hit bottom when you quit digging". The progression only goes one way. We all wanted to find some system or plateau where we could consume a certain amount, no more, and get the feeling we wanted without the bad effects. But your tolerance continues to grow, so that you can never reach that place. The amount required to achieve the desired effect grows and grows, and the interval between consumption and the onset of withdrawal symptoms shrinks and shrinks, and the symptoms get worse and worse, until eventually you're either a little bit drunk or going through withdrawal 24 hours a day. Either that or the amount required to get high becomes toxic.

That is a living hell, and you want to stop way, way before you get there.

I would encourage you to give up the idea of "one last fling" (I think you mentioned that), and just quit, like today. No "last fling" will ever be good enough to tide you over for the rest of your life, so you'll always be stuck with the idea that you had just one last big party left in you. This is a very dangerous way to think.

You need a plan. First, understand that you have a problem (It sounds like you are there). Second, quit, totally. No scaling back. Next, get through the withdrawal symptoms, then, figure out why your were drinking and develop a life that doesn't require it.

You have to do these things one at a time. Thinking about all of them at once is too much. Doing it alone is very risky. Doctor, family, support group. You need them all.

You seem quite sincere about wanting to change, I hope you are successful.

farmer

I wish you the best. I had to get professional help and attend AA. It will definitely kill you, it nearly killed me.

recoverywfaith

to SR and wish you peace on your sober journey.