krug

I've almost got 5 fragile months. I've been working with my sponsor for 4, and we were working on the 4th step. A great man who spent alot of time with me...but...he's been out for a week, won't return calls, won't answer phone, he's out.

I'm very concerned for him, but, and this will sound selfish, now what do I do. Do I wait for him to come back, do I put out notice that I need a new sponsor, do I continue to call him, this is all new to me.

I'm guessing that I need a new sponsor, but...and this is what makes AA so difficult, it asks that you put yourself out there, for the fellowship, but here it is again, burned by humanity and relationships. I almost feel like leaving the program.

I know, woe is me, poor pitiful me, etc. Any advice or similar experiences out there.

K

keithj

If you know he's relapsed, get a new sponsor and keep reaching out to the other guy when appropriate.

Keep working on your 4th Step. Do you have solid directions for it? The folks in the 12 Step forum can help with specifics.

TheJungianThing

I don't have this experience.

I do have experience in completing a first 4th step though, I highly recommend finishing it. If you feel resentment, fear or both towards your sponsor's slip include them on the appropriate list(s).

Good luck.

CarolD

Please don't give up on yourself....that would be making a bad choice any way you cut it.

If you plan to go to the mans home...it's best to ask another sober member to go too. that is the recommended way in all 12 Step calls.


Prayers that the lost man comes back soon and that you find peace with this situation...

cabledude

I'd question the value of what he's given you so far, since it didn't seem to have the answers he needed when he needed them. You could expect no better following the same path.

Find a guy that does the stuff and is walking proof his understandings of our material are solid and his way of doing AA has proven to be effective for a long time.

omegasupreme

I would go visit his sponsor. Then, after that I would have to evaluate if I really wanted what that sponsorship lineage had to offer me.

I had a similar experience with a sponsor, he did not relapse, but just turned into an irritable, restless, and discontent person. No joy whatsoever that I could ever see...always complaining about life. So, I went and saw his sponsor, did not like what I found, so I found a new sponsor.

I learned I am responsible for the life my Creator gave me, that means I am responsible for my recovery and I cannot blame it on sub-par sponsorship.

Zebra1275

I think you need to get a new sponsor.

Boleo

Don't jump to conclusions; sponsors get sick, called out of town and sometimes lose their phone. Even if he did relapse, he is not the "Higher Power" you need in the long run.

MrDavid

Amen...Don't give up on AA or yourself. We won't, neither should you.

freeinhim

I believe in God and am a practicing and committed Christian. However, I don't attend AA and personally have nothing against it. I'm sure that many people find needed help in support in AA. But you did say something that caught my eye:

This certainly is the dilemma when we put our faith in man. Humans are prone to error; we make mistakes. The greater the “faith” and “trust” we place in another person, the greater the let-down when they fail. I can tell you how many congregations were destroyed when the senior pastor fell into sin. For some, their faith was completely shattered.

I have a sponsor, but my sponsor never fails. He is always with me and is always there when I need him. My sponsor is Jesus Christ. Jesus said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you. I will be with you until the end of the age.” And that is exactly what he has done for me. When I am weak and need encouragement, he is strong. When I feel like giving up or quitting, he there to encourage me. I know that not everyone understands this, but it certainly works for me!

I also want to encourage you about dismissing “humanity and relationships” because you’ve been burned. If everyone who has ever been burned gave up on meaningful relationships, then this world would be a cold place – neither giving nor receiving love.

Recognize that people (yes, even your sponsor) are truly fallible. No one is perfect. Once you embrace that truth, you won’t feel so disappointed.

Hope this helps…

FIH

NYCDoglvr

I suggest asking someone if he/she will be your "interim" sponsor; I've found it easier to ask that way. Continue your step work ... and congratulations on your time. It's a miracle any of us put down alcohol and booze even for one day. But it works!

roisindubh

I have always heard that it is important to find a sponsor with a good program and a substantial amount of sobriety, not someone who doesn't have a whole lot more time than you. I would suggest you find a new sponsor who will probably want to start the steps over again. Sponsors don't usually want to pick up where someone else left off, especially if that "someone" is drinking or using drugs again. You can be there for your previous sponsor, although you shouldn't be alone with him if he's not sober, but you have to put yourself first right now and that means finding a new sponsor and working the steps. In the meantime, until you do find a sponsor, go to a lot of meetings and read the Big Book. It's unlikely that's you'll pick up a drink with one hand if you have the Big Book in the other one. At least that's what I did when I was newly sober and I didn't drink...I just celebrated 22 years of sobriety. The first few years were really tough, as I went through a lot of changes in my life - most of them very stressful and emotionally painful. I just kept doing what I was told and managed to get through everything life threw at me without a drink.

CarolD

roisindubh......Welcome to our recovery community

Well done on your long time AA progress ...

krug

Update on former sponsor. His sponsor came up to me at our home group meeting and told me about my sponsors relapse. I was concerned and just asked how he was, what I should do or could do. Grandsponsor just replied that he was jobless and homeless again after his 8 day binge, and to just call him in a few days to offer support. Grandsponsor gave me his card and told to keep in touch.

2 Days later at home group my sponsor showed up, looked terrible, beat up, sweating, just a mess. He was very sincere and asked to talk to me, then told me how he messed up, just "tried" a few and then it was all over. Said he had lost it all, fired his sponsor, and suggested that I find a new one, soon.

I have been looking and told him so, and offered support. Felt weird, when I was at my lowest he stood up for me, now, with only 5 months sobriety, I'm standing up for him.

AA almost seems like a revolving door, some going in and out, some coming in for awhile and leaving immediatly, and others just staying.

I admit, I was "really into it" those first 4 months, but it's wearing off. I don't get it anymore. The people all seem like hypocrits, or short timers. I don't think I really believe in it anymore, perhaps I don't believe in myself, but I just think, hey I'm done with that chemical crap and I certainly don't need AA anymore either.

Comments

Antiderivative

I think your expectations are unhealthy. Unless you find a rare meetings, most AA meetings are not exactly the greatest cross section of mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

AA meetings are composed of alcoholics (and addicts) who are trying to overcome a deadly addiction. After they put the plug in the jug, then they have to figure out how to live life sober. This is no small task.

Some will go in and out. Some will die. Some will recover. Some will be hypocrites. Some will be mentors. AA meetings will be a lot of things. However, they will mostly be imperfect and not always live up to expectations. This will be frustrating at times, unless you find proper ways to cope with the imperfections of AA meetings.

It sounds like you made up your mind and have it figured out. If you don't need or like AA, then stop going. Do you have another plan of action for your recovery or is this it?

susanlauren

Krug,
Sounds like you have made up your mind. Hey, I understand completely. Been there, done that. I became fed up with AA (for a variety of reasons) and left with the plan of never returning. That was at the beginning of August of last year. I figured I could do this thing on my own and that as long as I didn't drink, I would be just fine.

Maybe that will work out for you. It sure didn't for me. Now I don't expect you to learn from my experience; you sound like someone who needs your own experience to benefit. But just in case, I'll offer a few nuggets and highlights from my journey.

Not drinking was not a solution. I walked around for nine months suffering with untreated alcoholism. My life was a hellish purgatory. I was plagued by the obsession around alcohol and drinking. I was living the bedevilments on page 52. Each day the anxiety, tension, misery, unhappiness, and depression became that much worse.

To make a long story short, I am now back in AA with a whole new attitude and outlook on alcoholism, the Big Book, the twelve steps, recovery and AA. I have changed dramatically for the better after working the steps. I don't want to drink anymore.

For your sake, I truly hope you can be successful where I was not. All the best to you.
Susan

Supercrew

krug, I would say that you should find another kind of support. I was able to do it with SR alone and my own program which makes me happy, and it keeps me enthusiastic about my life which makes sobriety a great experience.

I mean if you want to read the doom and gloom of page 52 of the BB that's your perogative, but if we changed our thinking and eternalize it on the subconscious level pg 52 doesn't need to be a self fulfilling prophesy.

I would recommend you stay present and active on this forum, and I would also recommend that you try to learn something new everyday regarding addiction and also regarding self improvement, (physical, mental, relationships, your career). Stay active and stay happy and keep on learning and you won't fail, no matter what they tell you.

TheJungianThing

A speaker I love refers to a "donkey".

It doesn't matter what "donkey" you ride to get there, just as long as you get there.

I love AA, AA changed and is changing my life, the steps help me get to place where Page 52 is NOT a self fulliflling prophecy. It's my "donkey" as it were and what I know. When asked "What did you do to get here ?" I have to be honest and say "I rode the AA donkey". But there are others who ride other donkeys and we get to the same place.

Find that space in life where we can live peacefully in our minds, be at ease within ourselves, be contributors to the life affirming aspects of life. To be whole.

Good luck krug.

michelle01

Don't know if I'm the one to offer advice here as I'm not in AA, I do get help though, and I would think very carefully before I left it based on another person's relapse. I know it is disconcerting when someone we look up to as a strong mentor relapses, I have certainly been there, it happens inside and outside of AA, we are all vulnerable. I believe this shows us how important it is to put our ultimate faith in the message of recovery, (I do have an HP, my faith is in that), rather than individuals because that can be shaky. Mutual support and recovery is in actuality a two way thing, regardless of how much time you have.

Your sponsor who relapsed would have agreed with others here, the right thing to do was to find a replacement sponsor in the meantime until hopefully he can find his way back on track.

oak

I can understand why you are disillusioned. For me, I do think it is important to stay connected to some recovery group (in person or online). You could explore your options. I would hate for you to go without support in reaction to your last sponsor relapsing.