BadLove

So I'm on day 37 and overall things have been going really well. My major alcohol cravings have subsided the past couple of weeks, but this weekend I got hit pretty hard with conflicting feelings. In early April I'm going on a vacation with my boyfriend (first time leaving the country, which is a pretty big deal for me). I'm embarrassed to admit it, but part of me really wants to drink during this vacation and then stop again when I get back. It's the same part of me that doesn't want to even admit to you guys that I've been having these thoughts.

Objectively, I know this is a bad idea, but my mind keeps recycling the same persistent thoughts: I quit over a month ago, so what's a few days of drinking? Who knows the next time I'll be on a tropical vacation? Why not, it's a special occasion. I know these are just excuses, and what it really boils down to is my alcoholism doing whatever it can to get me to drink again.

The worst part is just how easy it is to believe it would be easy to quit afterward. I can think of several reasons why it would be better not to drink when I go: I don't want to feel hungover and sick the whole time, I don't want to embarrass myself or my boyfriend, I want to actually remember my vacation, etc. I haven't even come close to drinking in the past 37 days, so why can't I just say "I won't drink when I go on this vacation" and feel certain about it? It's so frustrating, because I thought I had settled the whole internal "can I moderate?" debate.

Ugh, thanks for letting me vent / tell on myself. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with this.

Reset

I hear ya.

When I quit at the beginning of the year I set a short-term goal of quitting until April 1. On April 1 my family and I will go on vacation too, out of the country, and to a place where drinking is everywhere and part of the culture.

At the time, I didn't fully understand just how long the detoxing process could really take, and didn't realize that if I start back up after quitting for 3 months, I'll be worse off than I was in January. And after what I've been through in February especially, I have no desire to go through that again.

So I've been getting used to the idea that I'll have to take this vacation without drinking. It'll be weird, but it will also be a great experience even without the alcohol.

And eventually if I'm really committed to not drinking, I'm going to have to get used to not drinking under any circumstance, including vacations to exotic locations.

Dee74

I decided to drink 'just for one night' and stop in the morning...it was another two years before I stopped, BadLove.

Don't underestimate this thing.

In my experience it got to the point it was harder and harder to stop after each relapse, but especially if I'd had some sober time...I may have stopped drinking for periods, but my alcoholism kept growing all the while.

D

elfgirl

I don't have any advice, but I will be watching to see what others say. I'm at day 8 right now. About a month ago I purchased a voucher for a wine-tasting at a local winery. It includes the tasting, 1 glass of wine, a fruit-and-cheese plate, and a bottle to bring home. A nice downtown location and I thought it would be romantic/fun for me and my husband to go on my birthday. I keep thinking, I know I'm done with alcohol. I know I'm done with binge drinking. I don't want to be hung over, embarrass myself, or really start drinking again. But I already paid for this, it still sounds like it would be so nice, it's a really limited amount of alcohol. Why can't I just use the voucher, and make it a one-time exception? That's the little devil voice.

The rational side of me says, if I use this as a reason to drink, what will be my next reason? How long will it be before I'm once again thinking "well, I drank on X occasion and it wasn't all that bad... I can handle it!" And after I start thinking that way, it's only a very short time before I'm binge drinking again, and after that I can only hope I have the sense to stop before I'm drinking every night.

But I still want that romantic wine tasting. I really do.

suki44883

There are many romantic things you can do for your birthday that don't involve alcohol. I'm sure you could come up with some if you put your thinking cap on.

LexieCat

Dee's right, there is no guarantee you will be able to stop as easily next time. There are people who simply spiral down and NEVER get back.

Not worth it, IMO.

Do you truly believe you won't enjoy the vacation of a lifetime without a drink?

LaFemme

One of the vital things for my sobriety is changing the way I view booze. It is not a reward or a treat it is pure poison....why then would you "treat" yourself to "poison" on special occasions.

This thinking has worked very well for me...but it does take practice.

Danae

Thanks for starting this thread--it is great and brings up a lot of issues that I know I share.

First off, great that you recognize what is happening and were willing to post about it.

Second, I've had similar thoughts. For me the trigger is long plane flights with free champagne (free!). But...now I know how much that free champagne will "cost" me eventually, I won't let myself do it. (A tropical vacation would probably feel the same to me).

The way I've desensitized myself is by substituting something else that makes me feel good. I want the flight to feel special, so I have one or two chocolate truffles, which I eat while I drink my club soda with lime. And that feels pretty good.

In other situations I'll make a point of finding something special as a substitute. Can't go to the wine tasting? Get a pedicure. Buy a new perfume, or a good book.

This allows me to speak back to the alcoholic voice that is telling me I'm going to be a sad, deprived person by not drinking! Ha!

Again, for me reframing things so that drinking isn't something good that I'm missing out on is helpful.

p.s. LaFemme posted while I was writing this. I totally agree with what she said!

artsoul

I think elfgirl hit the nail on the head: I think if you can believe the people on this forum, it's never good to start again for any reason.

Try to stay in today and then deal with the "today's" when your vacation comes. One good way to do that is to use your senses - feel what it feels like to be without a hangover/depression/anxiety. Feel how good it is to think clearly. Now imagine enjoying the sights, sounds and smells of wind/water and good food. There are lots of things to celebrate. Do you really want to spend the mornings in bed getting over a hangover?

And make plans, too - take tours, use the money you'd spend on booze to pick up some local art or interesting souvenirs. Get some wonderful fruity drinks without the alcohol in them.

You can do it - and there's every possibility that you'll have an even better time sober!! Thanks for the post - I know we've all had those thoughts about "special occasions!"

bcboy

I know how you are feeling BL. Around the 30 day mark for me was also just in time for my very first family camping trip that I had ever done sober.

In the end it was SO worth it as I was able to play with the kids all day long without that 8 hour hangover behind both eyes. All the other adults were suffering from drinking while I was up at the crack of dawn with my dog fishing on the end of a doc holding a cup of coffee watching the sun rise with no hangover.

If it makes you feel better I can tell you even now with almost a year sober around the corner I have much to celebrate right now. In the past year I have paid off ALL of my dept and have put away close to 50k in savings "a first ever". I have turned everything around in my own life and could not be happier. And it is my B-day today.

And I am having thoughts right now nearing a year sober "hey am doing awesome! and its my birthday today, lets have a drink to celebrate"

Such madness... its crazy how the mind works.

Here is to staying sober for the long haul, and to many of your first sober ever experiences in the future.

BadLove

Thanks, everyone, for the advice. I know it's stupid to risk the progress I've made just for a few days of drinking, especially when I would most likely continue to drink when I get back. "What will be my next reason?" is so true. There will always be some lame excuse.

The temptation just came out of nowhere yesterday, and it surprised me, since I haven't felt deprived since I quit. I spent years thinking of alcohol as a reward, and I have to realize it's going to take time for that association to weaken. Artsoul and Danae, thanks for reminding me about just staying in the moment. There will be a lot of fun activities to do there that don't involve drinking, and there are plenty of ways I can celebrate sober. I feel like such a bonehead for even considering drinking when I know what a dangerous idea it is.

Congrats on almost a year, bcboy. It's hard to imagine making it almost a year, but it sounds like you're doing great! It really is madness that our minds can tell us to celebrate sobriety with a drink.

ZZworldontheweb

This type of thinking will decrease the more sober time you have.

JohnBarleycorn

I've been there. The thought of all the wasted time still depresses me.

This is *the* thing to remember. If you start up again, you never know just how long it will be until you get the desire and strength to quit again.

It might be a day or two, but it might also be a year or two.

- JBC

Ozgirl

I went on a holiday to Thailand in January where I drank. We stayed in a resort with a pool bar (stupid, stupid idea). I had a few drinks each day but stopped after dinner. I think the reason I stopped is because there was no booze in the hotel room. I am sure I would have continued drinking if there was. However this drinking still had a negative effect on my holiday because I was obsessed with it. Making sure we were back at the hotel in time for happy hour. Eating at restaurants that had wine. If I had abstained my first priority would have been my family and exploring a new country. I also had a puffy face everyday when I should have been looking fabulous

Then when we returned home I convinced myself I could control my drinking because I had while on holiday. This was probably due to being under the watchful eye of my non-alcoholic husband, making sure I didn't drink more than him etc to prove I didn't have a problem. My drinking soon spiraled out of control to be worse than ever. Hidden drinking, blackouts after only a couple of drinks. It is really not worth it.

CarolD

All my fun bottles were long empty before I quit.

Instead of useing alcohol as some type of reward
why not remember the reality?

Why are you interested in staying sober?
Why is having a drink more important than your health?

Inafishbowl

For the first time in my life, I am dreading any kind of a vacation. I am certain that I have NEVER sat next to any body of water without some sort of a cocktail in my hand. I had an all expenses paid trip to go out of town this weekend with my husband and I'm letting him go on his own. How lame is that?! I'm just not ready.

This is my first time quitting. I keep telling myself that it will be harder each time if I choose to relapse. Especially where family and friends are concerned. If I tell them I quit and then start again, that is going to make quitting again all that much tougher.

LexieCat

Not lame at all. Smart, in fact, IMO.

There will be plenty of trips to go and have fun on in years to come. Not jumping the gun before you feel ready is just good sense.

Veritas1

I don't know what it is about taking a trip, but this has been dangerous ground for me with my drinking.

If sober, I would wind up drinking before the trip, or during the trip. I never made it on a vacation. I never stayed sober on vacation.

I think it's the idea of going away, in mind and body...so naturally my mind wants to go away as well!

I don't know if anyone can relate to that.

It's like permission to escape literally.

I look forward to sometime being able to say that I went on a vacation and actually stayed sober.

I know this year...I am postponing vacations until I have a good foundation of sobriety, both time, quality, and have completed my AA steps...I just cannot afford to lose my sobriety over a trip.

Not saying this will be the case for you. I just feel like I am not ready for that kind of temptation yet.

Maybe you are just feeling some fear about this? Maybe somewhere deep down you know you are going to drink on this trip, and so this may not be a good idea to go? (if you want to be sober).

suki44883

I tried that "special occasion" thing a few years back. It got to where taking out the trash was a special occasion.

LaFemme

:rotfxko