How long can this possibly take?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 41
How long can this possibly take?
OK.. I beat cocaine on my own over four years ago.. I never looked back. I thought it was going to kill me, but after so much torture (to make a VERY long story short) and loss of money, and losing my dealer.. I walked away and never looked back.
Alcohol. Man oh man. I have given up my band to stay out of the bars and let me tell you! I WORKED HARD TO GET WHERE I WAS! I HAD AN AMAZING BAND! Ok.. at first I cut back a year ago.. ended up on benders.. Started out staying clean between shows and booking them far apart with my band's blessing. (We used to play several times a week) I started having periods of sobriety at first a week and a half then two weeks.. Then finally I had to just walk away from the one thing I always dreamed of doing. The one thing I was truly good at! It totally destroyed me but I knew it was the only way I could stop the anxiety and sickness..become a real mother to my children, lose the beer weight I had gained, go back to college and honestly I just wanted to know how it felt to be healthy and walk around and feel normal. Up until this point my last 7 years were a series of getting plastered and recovering then doing it all over again! So, after I quit,(took a break I told the guys) I joined AA. I went and stayed sober about a month. I am just not religious anymore so even though I tried, it just didn't work for me. I figured I "deserved" to go back and sing with my band once more. Well, you can guess what happened there. This is when I first am sure that during my four day binge I nearly forgot everything! I sobered up with a ton of regrets and continued this on and off for months.. 15 days here.. 20 days there. Maybe I can do just one show? Never could stop myself from binging for days with the worst sobering up processes imaginable, even ended up in the hospital. SO EMBARRASSING, half of the nurses knew me and came in to say hello (small town) Anyways, After all of this I had one mother of a night.. shocks through my body.. pressure building and receding in my head. Feelings that something was tugging on my brain.. sweats, chills, nightmares. Calling my family hysterical. I truly felt I was DONE this time! I didn't care about the playing anymore! It was poison to me! I was quitting! No matter what it took! I was sober 40 days and had no problems.. felt great.. working out hard every day.. though I kept smoking weed as I always have my adult life (even though I am taking many substance abuse classes and know this does not work) then a week a half ago we went up to visit my partner (also my guitar player) we went to visit his uncle and we all started playing music and everyone was drinking and I have absolutely no clue what came over me. I had put in so much work! I picked up again! BAM! five days.. lost! beer, tequila, whiskey.. I am not even sure if I remembered that I was letting myself down. It was like I was somebody else doing it. Basically, we had a hotel room. I barely remember doing anything. My boyfriend (who does not have a drinking problem) took my daughter around as I slept (passed out) and drank..I continued to drink here at home once we got back until I woke up from a state of near death I am sure and forced myself to pass out. Well.. I have NEVER felt such shame and pain and regret. I gathered my two children 12 and 14(whom I have always been honest with) told them I was sorry I had failed and how hard I was trying. So, I researched some more as I always do. I think the Marijuana was just masking things and preventing true sobriety. I have been sober from Marijuana for 10 days for the first time in 14 years! I've been sober from alcohol for 5. One minute I feel so proud that I am completely clear headed and I can face this head on, and truly don't miss it, but now I see that the sickness from the alcohol is wearing off all I have is me and my life which isn't bad, but one minute I'm strong.. next minute I'm scared to death. I've never smoked a cigarette in my life so it's like I'm kind of a bit insane. I'm not sure what I am feeling! Do I want to drink? Am I wanting to smoke? I really don't know! I drove by a bar on the way home from class tonight and remembered singing and the early days how warm and happy those bar lights made me feel.. How they just made the stress of the world go away. I cried out to my BF "AM I JUST SUPPOSED TO NEVER GO BACK IN THERE AGAIN!" "WHAT IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO?!" I just feel so lost everybody.. and I DO feel so afraid of relapse and I DO feel so afraid of being sober.. I know this is probably the longest post on this site. My story is a long one and this is only a piece. All I know is.. I want to be sober and I am lost. and white knuckling it hard core! I needed to write! I'm sorry if this jumped around like mad! Thanks for listening! ~A
Alcohol. Man oh man. I have given up my band to stay out of the bars and let me tell you! I WORKED HARD TO GET WHERE I WAS! I HAD AN AMAZING BAND! Ok.. at first I cut back a year ago.. ended up on benders.. Started out staying clean between shows and booking them far apart with my band's blessing. (We used to play several times a week) I started having periods of sobriety at first a week and a half then two weeks.. Then finally I had to just walk away from the one thing I always dreamed of doing. The one thing I was truly good at! It totally destroyed me but I knew it was the only way I could stop the anxiety and sickness..become a real mother to my children, lose the beer weight I had gained, go back to college and honestly I just wanted to know how it felt to be healthy and walk around and feel normal. Up until this point my last 7 years were a series of getting plastered and recovering then doing it all over again! So, after I quit,(took a break I told the guys) I joined AA. I went and stayed sober about a month. I am just not religious anymore so even though I tried, it just didn't work for me. I figured I "deserved" to go back and sing with my band once more. Well, you can guess what happened there. This is when I first am sure that during my four day binge I nearly forgot everything! I sobered up with a ton of regrets and continued this on and off for months.. 15 days here.. 20 days there. Maybe I can do just one show? Never could stop myself from binging for days with the worst sobering up processes imaginable, even ended up in the hospital. SO EMBARRASSING, half of the nurses knew me and came in to say hello (small town) Anyways, After all of this I had one mother of a night.. shocks through my body.. pressure building and receding in my head. Feelings that something was tugging on my brain.. sweats, chills, nightmares. Calling my family hysterical. I truly felt I was DONE this time! I didn't care about the playing anymore! It was poison to me! I was quitting! No matter what it took! I was sober 40 days and had no problems.. felt great.. working out hard every day.. though I kept smoking weed as I always have my adult life (even though I am taking many substance abuse classes and know this does not work) then a week a half ago we went up to visit my partner (also my guitar player) we went to visit his uncle and we all started playing music and everyone was drinking and I have absolutely no clue what came over me. I had put in so much work! I picked up again! BAM! five days.. lost! beer, tequila, whiskey.. I am not even sure if I remembered that I was letting myself down. It was like I was somebody else doing it. Basically, we had a hotel room. I barely remember doing anything. My boyfriend (who does not have a drinking problem) took my daughter around as I slept (passed out) and drank..I continued to drink here at home once we got back until I woke up from a state of near death I am sure and forced myself to pass out. Well.. I have NEVER felt such shame and pain and regret. I gathered my two children 12 and 14(whom I have always been honest with) told them I was sorry I had failed and how hard I was trying. So, I researched some more as I always do. I think the Marijuana was just masking things and preventing true sobriety. I have been sober from Marijuana for 10 days for the first time in 14 years! I've been sober from alcohol for 5. One minute I feel so proud that I am completely clear headed and I can face this head on, and truly don't miss it, but now I see that the sickness from the alcohol is wearing off all I have is me and my life which isn't bad, but one minute I'm strong.. next minute I'm scared to death. I've never smoked a cigarette in my life so it's like I'm kind of a bit insane. I'm not sure what I am feeling! Do I want to drink? Am I wanting to smoke? I really don't know! I drove by a bar on the way home from class tonight and remembered singing and the early days how warm and happy those bar lights made me feel.. How they just made the stress of the world go away. I cried out to my BF "AM I JUST SUPPOSED TO NEVER GO BACK IN THERE AGAIN!" "WHAT IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO?!" I just feel so lost everybody.. and I DO feel so afraid of relapse and I DO feel so afraid of being sober.. I know this is probably the longest post on this site. My story is a long one and this is only a piece. All I know is.. I want to be sober and I am lost. and white knuckling it hard core! I needed to write! I'm sorry if this jumped around like mad! Thanks for listening! ~A
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 41
Wow.. Lot's of mess up's.. I hope my point came across ok... BTW.. I ALWAYS hid the alcohol so it wasn't actually visible when my children were around. Believe it or not. They have only a few times in their lives physically seen me lift a can or bottle to my mouth.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hi A and welcome to SR!
This is a great place to vent and get support and advice. What I have seen so far is that to stay sober you have to do some work...personal work I guess I would describe it. Many do it through AA...others use programs like SMART...personally I have a life coach and SR...so far its working for me...if it stopped I would consider other options.
The key thing is to do the work...and I gotta tell you its a pain in the behind but its so worth it.
Keep posting
P.s. - sorry...not the longest post I've seen
This is a great place to vent and get support and advice. What I have seen so far is that to stay sober you have to do some work...personal work I guess I would describe it. Many do it through AA...others use programs like SMART...personally I have a life coach and SR...so far its working for me...if it stopped I would consider other options.
The key thing is to do the work...and I gotta tell you its a pain in the behind but its so worth it.
Keep posting
P.s. - sorry...not the longest post I've seen
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, the deal with AA is that you don't just go and sit through meetings. You get a sponsor and you work the Twelve Steps. That's what leads to complete recovery (aka, not white-knuckling it). It's a process that leads to a new way of living--sober.
You don't seem to be feeling very "free" at the moment, and THAT, to me, is the greatest reward of sobriety.
You don't seem to be feeling very "free" at the moment, and THAT, to me, is the greatest reward of sobriety.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 41
Yeah LaFemme.. That was probably a really DUMB statement! I'm sure many have vented long posts as I did and longer! This whole empowerment and then relapse is just making me feel a little insane. I truly feel like I have beat it at least four or more times! I don't think I realized that during my sober periods my toking up was keeping me from really feeling the sobriety totally. I feel sad tonight about going to socialize. It makes me jealous that I can't do it a bit I guess! The crazier thing is I hated the bars! I worked in them and much preferred to drink at home these days! It was a huge relief to get out of them once I made up my mind. Now all of a sudden stone cold sober.. I'm missing it? WHAT THE HECK! Yeah.. I am going to a meeting asap tomorrow! The actual serious alcohol abuse started about two years ago at the MOST! It went down hill quick once I figured out "hair of the dog" after playing.. It was all over after that.. the morning/day drinking began and I just can't put myself back together! Jeez. Sorry to still be ranting. I'm just so tired.. Ya-know?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Hi Singer Chic
I was a muso too so I know about the life. i tried many times to be the sober one and still stick with the same crowd - I never managed it.
I did however find a whole new bunch of sober musicians, so there's always life on the other side.
I've played in a bar of two since I got sober - if you've done the work and really understand how important it is to everything else in your life that you stay sober...and always remember that all it takes to mess that up is one drink, it's possible
I have found I've changed tho - I still love the music but the bar scene makes me a little sad - there's a lot of misery out there behind the smiles and fun I think....consequently I do most of my playing and jamming at home these days...
So...don't give up on returning to the stage - but please appreciate there's a journey you need to make before you get back to that.
I used to be a 'rock star' (at least in my own mind lol) now I'm a sober musician - and I didn't go back to playing until I truly appreciated the difference...and I knew for sure which one I really wanted to be
D
I was a muso too so I know about the life. i tried many times to be the sober one and still stick with the same crowd - I never managed it.
I did however find a whole new bunch of sober musicians, so there's always life on the other side.
I've played in a bar of two since I got sober - if you've done the work and really understand how important it is to everything else in your life that you stay sober...and always remember that all it takes to mess that up is one drink, it's possible
I have found I've changed tho - I still love the music but the bar scene makes me a little sad - there's a lot of misery out there behind the smiles and fun I think....consequently I do most of my playing and jamming at home these days...
So...don't give up on returning to the stage - but please appreciate there's a journey you need to make before you get back to that.
I used to be a 'rock star' (at least in my own mind lol) now I'm a sober musician - and I didn't go back to playing until I truly appreciated the difference...and I knew for sure which one I really wanted to be
D
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I'm glad you started a new thread ..
Thanks for shareing part of your story with us...Welcome
Many of us are winning over alcohol and drugs
Yes! you can too.
all my best to you and your loved ones
Thanks for shareing part of your story with us...Welcome
Many of us are winning over alcohol and drugs
Yes! you can too.
all my best to you and your loved ones
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: central n00bistan
Posts: 121
I am just not religious anymore so even though I tried, it just didn't work for me.
Everybody is urged to trust something bigger than themselves. Many people call that something "god". Sounds like you're getting stuck at the "capital G god" thing. There's a lot of folks (like me) that don't do religion in AA or anywhere else. Just substitute the word "god" for whatever thing or concept or even just a feeling that you think has more power than you do.
I was told that if I didn't believe there was anything more powerful than me, I should go down to the beach and not come back until I had succeeded in stopping the waves from coming in. I'm from a beach town so that got my attention quick LOL
It really doesn't matter what you use as long as you get the underlying principle, which is that you're really not all-powerful and in charge of the universe. Heck, I can't even control my drinking, how am I going to run the universe?
If it was me, I would try going to a few different meetings if it all possible. Just sit in the chair with my mouth shut and my mind and heart open. I'm betting if you do that you will hear exactly what you need to hear.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Hi Singer Chic
I was a muso too so I know about the life. i tried many times to be the sober one and still stick with the same crowd - I never managed it.
I did however find a whole new bunch of sober musicians, so there's always life on the other side.
I've played in a bar of two since I got sober - if you've done the work and really understand how important it is to everything else in your life that you stay sober...and always remember that all it takes to mess that up is one drink, it's possible
I have found I've changed tho - I still love the music but the bar scene makes me a little sad - there's a lot of misery out there behind the smiles and fun I think....consequently I do most of my playing and jamming at home these days...
So...don't give up on returning to the stage - but please appreciate there's a journey you need to make before you get back to that.
I used to be a 'rock star' (at least in my own mind lol) now I'm a sober musician - and I didn't go back to playing until I truly appreciated the difference...and I knew for sure which one I really wanted to be
D
I was a muso too so I know about the life. i tried many times to be the sober one and still stick with the same crowd - I never managed it.
I did however find a whole new bunch of sober musicians, so there's always life on the other side.
I've played in a bar of two since I got sober - if you've done the work and really understand how important it is to everything else in your life that you stay sober...and always remember that all it takes to mess that up is one drink, it's possible
I have found I've changed tho - I still love the music but the bar scene makes me a little sad - there's a lot of misery out there behind the smiles and fun I think....consequently I do most of my playing and jamming at home these days...
So...don't give up on returning to the stage - but please appreciate there's a journey you need to make before you get back to that.
I used to be a 'rock star' (at least in my own mind lol) now I'm a sober musician - and I didn't go back to playing until I truly appreciated the difference...and I knew for sure which one I really wanted to be
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by CarolD
I'm glad you started a new thread ..
Thanks for shareing part of your story with us...Welcome
Many of us are winning over alcohol and drugs
Yes! you can too.
all my best to you and your loved ones
Thanks for shareing part of your story with us...Welcome
Many of us are winning over alcohol and drugs
Yes! you can too.
all my best to you and your loved ones
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by ChikkaB
LOL it's not a religion, hun. It's just a fellowship of people whose desire is to stop drinking. Just a bunch of scared people helping themselves by helping each other out.
Everybody is urged to trust something bigger than themselves. Many people call that something "god". Sounds like you're getting stuck at the "capital G god" thing. There's a lot of folks (like me) that don't do religion in AA or anywhere else. Just substitute the word "god" for whatever thing or concept or even just a feeling that you think has more power than you do.
I was told that if I didn't believe there was anything more powerful than me, I should go down to the beach and not come back until I had succeeded in stopping the waves from coming in. I'm from a beach town so that got my attention quick LOL
It really doesn't matter what you use as long as you get the underlying principle, which is that you're really not all-powerful and in charge of the universe. Heck, I can't even control my drinking, how am I going to run the universe?
If it was me, I would try going to a few different meetings if it all possible. Just sit in the chair with my mouth shut and my mind and heart open. I'm betting if you do that you will hear exactly what you need to hear.
Everybody is urged to trust something bigger than themselves. Many people call that something "god". Sounds like you're getting stuck at the "capital G god" thing. There's a lot of folks (like me) that don't do religion in AA or anywhere else. Just substitute the word "god" for whatever thing or concept or even just a feeling that you think has more power than you do.
I was told that if I didn't believe there was anything more powerful than me, I should go down to the beach and not come back until I had succeeded in stopping the waves from coming in. I'm from a beach town so that got my attention quick LOL
It really doesn't matter what you use as long as you get the underlying principle, which is that you're really not all-powerful and in charge of the universe. Heck, I can't even control my drinking, how am I going to run the universe?
If it was me, I would try going to a few different meetings if it all possible. Just sit in the chair with my mouth shut and my mind and heart open. I'm betting if you do that you will hear exactly what you need to hear.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 41
This site doesn't work for me? I can't get chat to work.. Java won't load.. I've uninstalled it and reinstalled??? (sigh)I can't reply to posts sent on my profile.. it's telling me I'm a guest??? My picture only shows up when you go to my profile?? Hrm.. Can you guys see it? (My picture?)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
I can't see your picture...but I think there is a wait period for some things...you have to be a member for a certain time? I don't use chat though...might be why I have so many posts
Regarding flying...I hadngt flown sober since I turned 21 when I quit...I had horrible anxiety when flying...I thought 9-11 caused it. Flew sober after 2.5 months and actually loved it! Maybe the aqlcohol was causing all the anxiety...you know?
Regarding flying...I hadngt flown sober since I turned 21 when I quit...I had horrible anxiety when flying...I thought 9-11 caused it. Flew sober after 2.5 months and actually loved it! Maybe the aqlcohol was causing all the anxiety...you know?
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I don't know, SC - I can't see your avatar either...... maybe trying logging in again? Wish I could help- I'm sure Dee or Anna can....
Just wanted to say that I feel for ya - and can relate to hanging out with musicians and all the alcohol that goes with that. I grew up in Cincinnati, and played guitar and sang with a guy in a little bar in Clifton (can't even remember the name of the place now - it was in the 70's yikes!)......
Still singing, but work as an artist now and used alcohol to loosen me up. Like that ever really worked......
The good news I wanted to share with you is that at some point in time (for me it was about 4 months I think), being sober became my "normal" - drinking began to sound foreign to me. I don't romanticize the drink anymore. The obsessive voice hardly speaks at all. And I'm producing way more than I was. The real "stuff" is inside us - it just takes time to come out. So be patient with yourself and give yourself lots of TLC.
This is coming from someone who couldn't put together two sober days and couldn't imagine a sober life. It's worth fighting for and you can do it!
Just wanted to say that I feel for ya - and can relate to hanging out with musicians and all the alcohol that goes with that. I grew up in Cincinnati, and played guitar and sang with a guy in a little bar in Clifton (can't even remember the name of the place now - it was in the 70's yikes!)......
Still singing, but work as an artist now and used alcohol to loosen me up. Like that ever really worked......
The good news I wanted to share with you is that at some point in time (for me it was about 4 months I think), being sober became my "normal" - drinking began to sound foreign to me. I don't romanticize the drink anymore. The obsessive voice hardly speaks at all. And I'm producing way more than I was. The real "stuff" is inside us - it just takes time to come out. So be patient with yourself and give yourself lots of TLC.This is coming from someone who couldn't put together two sober days and couldn't imagine a sober life. It's worth fighting for and you can do it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by artsoul
I don't know, SC - I can't see your avatar either...... maybe trying logging in again? Wish I could help- I'm sure Dee or Anna can....
Just wanted to say that I feel for ya - and can relate to hanging out with musicians and all the alcohol that goes with that. I grew up in Cincinnati, and played guitar and sang with a guy in a little bar in Clifton (can't even remember the name of the place now - it was in the 70's yikes!)......
Still singing, but work as an artist now and used alcohol to loosen me up. Like that ever really worked...... The good news I wanted to share with you is that at some point in time (for me it was about 4 months I think), being sober became my "normal" - drinking began to sound foreign to me. I don't romanticize the drink anymore. The obsessive voice hardly speaks at all. And I'm producing way more than I was. The real "stuff" is inside us - it just takes time to come out. So be patient with yourself and give yourself lots of TLC.
This is coming from someone who couldn't put together two sober days and couldn't imagine a sober life. It's worth fighting for and you can do it!
Just wanted to say that I feel for ya - and can relate to hanging out with musicians and all the alcohol that goes with that. I grew up in Cincinnati, and played guitar and sang with a guy in a little bar in Clifton (can't even remember the name of the place now - it was in the 70's yikes!)......
Still singing, but work as an artist now and used alcohol to loosen me up. Like that ever really worked......
The good news I wanted to share with you is that at some point in time (for me it was about 4 months I think), being sober became my "normal" - drinking began to sound foreign to me. I don't romanticize the drink anymore. The obsessive voice hardly speaks at all. And I'm producing way more than I was. The real "stuff" is inside us - it just takes time to come out. So be patient with yourself and give yourself lots of TLC.This is coming from someone who couldn't put together two sober days and couldn't imagine a sober life. It's worth fighting for and you can do it!
I can't thank you enough for this post!! (tear) This gives me hope! My emotions are everywhere, but you guys are amazing.. I cannot be grateful enough!
I already feel like writing a song!!!!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
I can see your pic on your profile...you need to load an avatar as well, if you haven't...they're two different things
Go to User CP - top left hand corner of the page here and scroll down to edit avatar...
As for the visitor messages - yeah we have a lot of spammers leaving messages so we had to institute across the post limits to try and combat that...blame the spammers, not us
And chat - if you've looked at the trouble shooting link, I'm afraid I'm all out of suggestions - sometimes deleting your cookies and cache helps tho
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...eshooting.html
Hope you work it all out
D
Go to User CP - top left hand corner of the page here and scroll down to edit avatar...
As for the visitor messages - yeah we have a lot of spammers leaving messages so we had to institute across the post limits to try and combat that...blame the spammers, not us
And chat - if you've looked at the trouble shooting link, I'm afraid I'm all out of suggestions - sometimes deleting your cookies and cache helps tho
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...eshooting.html
Hope you work it all out
D
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
