kilt

My best friend is moving in with new boyfriend. They have known each other for less than a year. He is a recovering drunk. Binges about twice a year for a few weeks. Due to her financial situation I get that she wants a free place to stay and a provider for her kids. She really needs the money.

I am not cool with her moving her two kids in with this guy. He seems really nice and I have never seen him drunk. She tells me that her being around helps keep him sober. He buys her things, takes her out and is generous with her kids. I don't think he is violent. She is a really good person.

I feel like an a**hole for not being more supportive of this guy. I think that what adults decide to do together is one thing but when you throw kids into the mix that is something different. At what point do you trust a recovering drunk with your kids?

Supercrew

Are you a recovering drunk? Could you be trusted around kids?

I am, and I can be trusted around kids.

kilt

I am woman and as backward as I sound, I think that a woman's drunk problems come out differently then a man's. Sometimes.

Drunk off my ass, I would say I would make a bad role model for a kid. I guess the question is how long can he stay sober in front of the kids. I know that if she didn't need the money, she would not be moving in with him. She loves him. I like to think that he would stay sober for the kids, now that they are living there, but he hasn't in the past.

Dee74

I'm at a bit of a loss as to what this has to do with you kilt?

If you feel so strongly I hope you've spoken to your friend - beyond that, whether you or I like it or not, there's not a lot you can do.

D

sunrise1

I think a big chunk of the posters here are recovering drunks, of which I am one. Although I'm not a big kid person, I am confident that I could take care of any child needing my help or my home.

Perhaps you are confusing this gentleman with practicing drunks?

ReadyAndAble

So your best friend loves him, he takes great care of her, and she feels she makes him stronger in his recovery.

Seems to me you should be happy for them both.

Seriously? I'd suggest you reconsider that.

Mark75

Hmm, maybe your fear doesn't come from the obvious, ie, the kids... but more a fear that she is assuming a caretaker role? That neither one is ready for a LTR and all...

Just a thought.

bubblehead

ROFLMAO! Are you serious?
My mother once threw a cast iron frying pan at me when dead drunk. I dodged it and it broke in half, that's how hard she threw it. Had it hit me in the head, I might not be here.
A violent drunk woman is no less dangerous than a drunk man.
I think the key word is RECOVERING. So the guy had a problem. He's not drinking now.
With all the children in the world being actively abused, some by sober parents, I wouldn't worry too much about children being around a recovering alcoholic. It's you friend's call anyway, they are her children.

SSIL75

Then stop

I trust my recovering drunk ass with my kids every day thank you very much. And yes, I am a woman but does that mean my kids are safer with me than with say, Bulldog who is a SAHD? Come on now.

CarolD

I can apreciate your concern over the well being of your
friend and her children...
Apparently...it's a done deal.

No one knows how this situation will turn out...I hope you
will remain being a friend to all of them.




.

Soberween

How long has he been in recovery? Has it been over a year? If I were him and it hasn't even been a year, I would probably hold off on any major life changes.

Also, would you trust a person who is a cancer survivor to be around kids? A lot of us drunks here consider alcoholism a disease that we have that we did not choose to have. Seriously, if I had to pick between alcoholism and cancer, I would definitely pick alcoholism. However, there is still a big stigma attached to alcoholism that many without the disease do not understand.

kilt

Let me see if I can answer everyone.

How is this my problem? I believe that we should not turn a blind eye when we see kids being put into potentially bad situations. I have stepped up before when her relationships have gone to s**t and if I get a call again I will help her for the sake of the kids.

Yes, there is a difference in drunk men and drunk women. The rate of assault is much higher with men being drunk than in women. Just is. I didn't make up the numbers. The guy hasn't been sober for a year. He has been sober for six months. I don't think the kids should have to be part of his recovery process. He is not a part of our AA and according to her he isn't in any recovery program. The courts would have a field day with her custody if they knew this was going on. When the kids see daddy they will tell. This feels like a ticking time bomb.

Alcohol is different from cancer. Both are horrible but we know what alcohol does. What my friend does with her life is one thing. Why do the kids have to be a part of this? Does anyone get that two small children are being put in the path of someone who will mostly likely relapse. Why is that okay? I know this is a touchy subject with a lot of people who are recovering with children and are afraid of losing them. These are not his kids. The courts gave her primary custody because they thought she was best. That won't last two minutes if her ex finds out or worse, if this guy gets trashed in front of those kids.

Instead of saying this is okay because the kids could have it worse, shouldn't we be wanting for better? I guess the fact that she would not be moving in with this guy if she were financially independent tells me alot.

BullDog777

if the guy is a predator, it's not gonna matter if he's drinking or not. predators are going to prey. that's what they do.

Maybe just have him checked out. get his name and run it through the national sex offender registry. get a criminal backround check....all these things can be done online and it's really easy.

aside from that, there's really not much you can do except let her know how you feel. everyone makes their own decisions and while i agree with you that moving in with someone is a huge step ESPECIALLY when you have children in the equasion, being a "problem drinker" or someone in early "recovery" shouldn't necessarily make him raise huge flags as one of the bad guys.

MsCooterBrown

"I am not cool with her moving her two kids in with this guy. He seems really nice and I have never seen him drunk. "

I am not cool with you not being cool. We have sober thumpers and drunk thumpers. Being an alcoholic in no way guarantees a wife beater. You are a friend to be there in support WHEN AND IF she asks for it. This is WAY not your concern. I don't care how you try to tap dance around your thinking..this is not for you to decide.

kilt

Ms. CooterB
Your kind of thinking "way not your concern" is how the ones with no power, the children, get hurt. Sure it would make my life easier if I drove by every car accident, ignored every child in danger, let the drunk drive home, but when I see the potential for people being hurt, I step up and say something. None of us should be shamed or scolded into silence. If what someone is doing is right than asking questions has no power. Someone mentioned doing a background check which is smart.

Yes, being an alcoholic (dry drunk, in recovery) doesn't make you a default wife beater. You have to admit that being an alcoholic does bring with it more problems and the numbers show that those problems often include violence, neglect, mental health problems, sexual abuse and ton of other s**t. You are right that it is not my decision. It isn't even my friend's decision. In Georgia when you relocate the kids you have to report it to the case worker, who is living in the house, questions get asked and people get checked out. This will end up being the states decision if this goes badly.

MsCooterBrown

Dry Drunk????????????????? Look that up and define it.
I did not even mention being "shamed or scolded" into silence..it is just that you have no right to assume that RECOVERING alcoholics are automatically some drooling unfunctional knuckles dragging on the ground low life. Perhaps it is in the way you worded your OP. I know alot of people that hide behind religion too. Point being..you have no basis for this.

Fandy

why are you referring to this person as a "dry drunk"? because he is not in a formal recovery program? neither am I.

the point is, they are NOT your kids, you are not their legal guardian. If you are worried, discuss your reasoning with your friend. maybe she will welcome your opinion or maybe she will ask you to butt out.

Of course if there is a history of abuse and neglect to the children, that is a whole different ball of wax.

you seem to have some strong opinions of what you think others recovery should be, including time frames.

How would your friend feel if she knew you were discussing her children and her parenting skills on a public forum?

LaFemme

Ummm...I have a little experience with family court in the district of Columbia and CT (as a guardian ad litem)... a recovering alcoholic probably wont be a problem for them even if he does have a relapse...unless he is abusive the courts have a lot more pressing concerns in my experience.

Your description of him paints him as a stand up guy who every once and awhile falls off the wagon...if there is something deeper you haven't mentioned it.

suki44883

What it boils down to is this is her life and her kids and she has the right to do what she wants. You don't have to agree, but outside of telling her that, there's nothing else you can do. It might work out great, or, it might not. But it doesn't really help anything to awfulize the situation or assume it is going to be a disaster. No one knows the future and it's not like he's going to lock her down in the basement and never let her out. She'll still be free to come and go and if she decides the situation isn't to her liking, she can always move back out.

bubblehead

The thing of it, statistically, women are less likely to be reported. Men very rarely report women for domestic violence. Men are conditioned to believe they look weak if they are assaulted by a woman. Therefore, many if not most, do not report it,
Many women also get away with being pedophiles and even homicide because they are not suspected.
A drunk person is a drunk person, regardless of gender. Some are violent, some are not, Regardless, this guy is recovering and as long he's not drunk in front of the children or abusive (which can happen drunk or sober), it shouldn't matter.