bubblehead

I would agree with this. I won't say what state I am in, but here, even if someone is drunk in the house, its not enough to lose the children. Having been threatened by an ex (AFTER I quit), I checked into it.
There would have to be abuse, neglect, no food in the house, drunk driving with the child in the car, etc.
Even if he got sh**faced drunk, it may or may not be relevant if the mother is the primary caretaker as being drunk isn't illegal if he's not doing anything else. If there is an ongoing custody battle where there is another parent who doesn't have someone drunk in the house , yeah it could be used against her.
He's not getting drunk now so it wouldn't matter. If they were in court and someone said her new boyfriend USED to get drunk, its not only a weak argument but can they prove it?
The fact he is not a member of AA has nothing to do with it. I went to AA for a short time and have nothing against it. More people statistically recover without AA than with.
So while I think it is a wonderful program that helps many people, it is almost cultish to think that because someone is NOT in AA they're a dry drunk or that it is the only way.

BullDog777

i think the question went back to "at what point do you trust a recovering drunk with your kids?"

i think people here might not be be thinking about this the way that "normal" people think of us. none of us got here by being awsome parents or trust worthy people while we were practicing. frankly, alcoholics reputations suck for good reason. most "normals" don't lie, cheat, and steal thier way through life.

however, i think people are getting upset because they feel like their not getting a fair shake now that they are sober. this is where i think we as recovering addicts and alcoholics unfortunately have to just live with the criticism because this is a negative consequence of our past actions. only time and living right can change that opinion.

LaFemme

You have a good point bulldog...but even when I drank. I was trustworthy around children....there are a lot of monsters in the world who do terrible things to children but don't drink.

BullDog777

i agree.

Stevie1

Random thoughts:

Yes, I agree that if we see children (or anyone helpless) in danger, we should act. However, there is no evidence that this man poses any sort of threat to the children. So I don't get the worry here.

Apart from the fact this man is a possibly recovering alcoholic, do you have any evidence at all that he poses a danger to your friend or her children? A record (searchable), current actions, anything?

Men in general are more likely to be physically violent than women (I think.) Testosterone and all that. And, men who are not the biological fethers of children in the home are more likely to harm them. (There ARE statistics on this.) So using your logic, having a man in the home puts children at risk, whether sober or drunk. Right?

My father was a drunk. He was a gentle, melancholic drunk. My mother, not a drinker, was physically abusive and violent at times. I have scars from that.

I have a neighbor - who sometimes works for me - who is a convicted felon: drunk driving and leading police on a chase that ended in a crash; felony drunk driving I think was the charge. He no longer drinks, he has a key to my house to let my dogs out if I have to work a long day, and he has a daughter that he has every other weekend and cares for very much. I trust him (obviously since he has a key to my house) and can't imagine him harming his daughter; I've known him for about six years. The court knows his record and granted him weekend custody without reservations.

If you push the issue with your friend and diss her new man, she'll probably shut you out. If you're concerned, become involved with her new family so you can be there IF something happens that puts the kids in harm's way.

I get being concerned about children and applaud you for that, but it seems your concerns here are baseless.

PS, I am also a recovering drunk...no kids but I cannot fathom harming a child, an animal or any other living creature bigger than a bug. And I don't even like killing bugs.
At my drunkest, I've always had pets and have taken in and cared for many foster dogs...never once neglected or harmed one. (Abuse of animals is a predictor for violence and domestic abuse.)

kilt

Suki, children are not the property of the parents. Nothing can change my mind about using kids as a part of an addicts recovery program or her exposing them to this potential problem over money. You are right. I can't lock her in the basement. She is an adult. I just don't want these kids to have childhood memories of mommy's drunken boyfriend.

Fandy, dry drunk can refer to a pattern of unhealthy behaviors after the person stops drinking. My friend would have a problem if I was posting her name, address and phone. She isn't the type of person that would shut someone down for seeking advice or answers.

LaFemme, not quite the stand up guy. He has cheated on her, been binge drinking for weeks over the past year and has a bit of temper. Has never hit her. GA hasn't had good luck with kids in this situation. If this guy had been clean for a year I would feel differently.

Bubble I agree that as long as he is sober and isn't abusing the kids I am cool. Yes on under reporting on women being abusive. You and I know that men, drunk or not, are more likely to abuse. The numbers are bad out there.

Someone jumped to the conclusion that I think all recovering drunks are drooling somethingorothers. Never wrote that. Don't think that. Think everyone in recovery has problems they are working on and the risk of relapse is real. If you had kids, would you want them moving in with a recent, recovering (6 months) alcoholic?

Hope things work out for the best. Sorry if I forgot to respond to anyone.

suki44883

Suki, children are not the property of the parents. Nothing can change my mind about using kids as a part of an addicts recovery program or her exposing them to this potential problem over money. You are right. I can't lock her in the basement. She is an adult. I just don't want these kids to have childhood memories of mommy's drunken boyfriend.

Well, with all due respect, they certainly aren't your property or your responsibility. What you want or don't want isn't the issue. You cannot control what she does, so there's really nothing you can do about her decision. So, you might as well find a way to accept it.

Fandy

at the risk of saying more, I don't think you are "looking for advice"...you are looking for justification of your feelings.

you did not mention "binge drinking for weeks on end, cheating on her or bad temper" in the beginning of your posts. 1/2 the story or an afterthought? if you mentioned these items in the beginning, you might have had different responses...you did say 6 months? (IDK i'm not scrolling back to check your words).

I hope you show your friend these postings and discuss your concerns, be up front with her if you think she is making a bad decision....

for the record, i think it's kind of an unfriendly thing to do.

Dee74

I think we're done here.

I think we all need to be careful about boundaries, and respecting people who are not members of this community and sharing details about their lives which they themselves have not otherwise made public online or elsewhere.

The final decision is Carol's of course but I'm closing this for the time being until she can look at it.

D