sleepie

Okay sorry for the repost- I had this in the mental health forum... However I am really desiring a bottle of wine right now and I have been doing pretty good these past few days. I have been overwhelmed with vivid and disturbing dreams at night. And during the day there seems to be triggers that remind me in sharp detail of the abuse my youngest brother and I suffered by the hands of the parents. A scream in a movie makes my heart leap, I recall being beaten. I recall being terrified in the dark as my mother shut the basement door on me in the dark and laughed from the other side at my terrified screams. How my dog was beaten until she screamed. Closing my door on my brother's screams as he got his daily beating. So much screaming. I am 37 and I feel like a scared little girl. I haven't had this trouble in the past, I don't know why I am so sensitive suddenly. I want to drink that sweet wine and let it all fade away.

BlackShip

Are you an alcoholic?

BlackShip

Scratch that, I went through your posts.

I encourage you to re-read this one. Skeletons belong in the closet but inspirations like these should be re-read and utilized: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2871132

tooling

I understand how you might feel. I used alcohol to escape my feeling too. I went though some things in life where alcohol was just what the doctor ordered. And it worked damn well.

But these are the battles you have to win. It's this exact time when you have to face this sober and get used to it, if you desire to quit.

sleepie

Funny , Tooling... I was reading some of my other threads and I came across one where you expressed impatience with my having been here awhile and not getting it right yet... I feel sad and ashamed.

sleepie

Bulldog, Toronto... Are you around? Your posts help me and I think I need a bit of help at the moment.

tooling

I'm not perfect. I have my own issues yet. Like ups and downs. I got depressed today for awhile and even thought about drinking.

Other times I feel strong and things seem easy.

I guess I just want to see you sober. I might have come off wrong but that's all it's about.

I assume you posted because you are feeling weak right about now. I can say tomorrow will be a better day if you don't drink. I didn't have a good day but I didn't drown my sorrows away like I used to.

cheers, with a glass of water.

sleepie

I understand.

UniqueNewYork

I don't know what to say but I have this feeling inside like I want to help so I guess I'll give it a shot. Ok first off sometimes its good to get things off your chest. If your mom is still alive it may be worthwhile to tell her how much that hurt you. I don't know if I can help you with this one. I feel a lot of anger every day for things my mother did to me and my brother when we were kids. Every day of my life its a battle to forget and forgive. A couple of things come to mind. First, realize she is sick and likely because of bad things from her childhood. The best thing you can do is break the cycle and not make your loved ones feel this way. Second try to forgive her and pray for her. If you can't do this yet.. maybe find someone you really dislike or hate. Maybe an old boss. And pray for their happiness, relief, prosperity, etc. I found this exercise very difficult to do initially, but it was very redeeming for you and I'll tell you why. If I can pray for my HP to help someone I really dislike.. they have no power over me. To me thats what your mother hitting you and your brother was about. So now.. I remove that power by praying for their prosperity. I actually interact with my mother daily.. and my situation.. basically I have let my mother know she will never hit me again. Im prepared to do what is necessary to back that statement up if she decides to try it. I will not be abused ever again. I don't know. For me when I feel these feelings I go to the weight room and lift weights. I love weights because of the control I feel. All the stress over the things in my life that I can't control fades away. Every lift is like an accomplishment. I would imagine a good art form is much the same way. You know, maybe you make a garden, or paint a painting, or sculpt pottery. As you make progress.. that stress just begins to fade. That reminds me.. sometimes I will hold my hands palms up and meditate while I think of the sun and clouds and sky. I focus on my breathing.. and I feel my mind clearing. The negative emotions are leaving to be replaced by a feeling of calm. Another trick I will do is to watch a movie or read a book about someone who inspires me. I let myself be inspired by the truly great and heroic people from life.

SSIL75

I hope you didn't drink, Sleepie.

ReadyAndAble

I've got no advice that wouldn't sound trite next to a bumper sticker, Sleepie. I do know that despite the hell you've been thru, you're a smart, caring, and strong person. I also know that bottle of wine is not sweet; your addictive voice is ruthless and unconcerned with your welfare. It wants to use you, just like others have used you. You need to treat it with the same sense of outrage and repulsion you would if any of the others tried to sweet talk you. Remember, you deserve better. You really do.

betterlate

I certainly went the "whiskey river, take my mind" route too many times to count over childhood events and I don't blame you for wanting to drink. But like the man said above, tomorrow will be better if you don't. Therapy might help you with the childhood stuff, it certainly helped me. Took a few therapists with long breaks in between before finding one that really had something to show me. It's not easy, but worth the effort. I would like to encourage you to keep trying, Sleepie.

Kmber2010

Thinking of you Sleepie and hope today you make the choice for a better you before it is too late my friend.

You can do this.....I hope you reach out to the doctors.

Feel better.

TwelveSteps

I always like the Addictive Voice Recognition trick. Remember that it's not you that wants a bottle of wine -- YOU want to stay sober! But the little monster in your brain wants a bottle of wine. If you give in to what it wants, you just help feed it and make it stronger.

Deprive it of that wine it's asking for, and it will get weaker. Eventually it will become so weak that it will be relatively easy to ignore.

GG

ronf

That is absolutely some of the best I've ever read !!

Sleepy, Please, just put one foot in front of the other today. Try?! to concentrate on the small things you DO have control over. Keep a glass of pop, water, anything but the wine next to you all day.

We're ALL rooting for you, Ron

emilie044

[QUOTE=BlackShip;2872426]Scratch that, I went through your posts.

Skeletons belong in the closet but inspirations like these should be re-read and utilized:QUOTE]

skeletons do not belong in the closet. Traumas are hard to get over, sober or not. Putting them in the closet is what can cause some people to drink. I think you need to see a therapist so you can talk through these issues and past experiences that way when they haunt you, you don't go running for a bottle

ZZworldontheweb

Well, I'm a little bit late here but NO, you do not have permission to drink. Even thinking about it is dangerous. Part of staying sober is identifying unproductive trains of thought and derailing them or redirecting them before they become self-fulfilling monsters.

My sincere hope would be that you get closure on some of these awful things that little young sleepie had to endure.

But even if you never do, and I know that's hard to think about, you do need to think of a way to divert those thoughts in a more profitable (or at least less damaging) direction. Staying sober may be the best way to gain final victory over your past.

Love ya sis.

sleepie

ZZ, it's too much for me to take on. I am just so tired. And my "bounce back" quality is gone.

hollybear

sleepie I remember reading so many of the great posts you have left here in the forums. You are great. Don't do it. I'm sorry your life is feeling especially difficult right now just remember things always get better!
hugs

aasharon90

Im so glad to be a member here in Soberrecovery
because I have learned over the years that I never
have to feel alone in my feelings ever again. When
all the years I drank because I felt like I was the only
one who was abused as a child and no one knew how
I felt.....well, when I entered recovery and got connected
on here I realized I was not alone anymore.

I thought abuse only happened back in the day, like
the 20's, 30's, 40's 50's 60's 70's until I graduated from
high school in 76. Then I come here and read abuse is
still happening amongst those younger than I.

Abuse my mom sustained as a child back when to passing
it on to me when I was born in 58 till I graduated....sheesh....

Abuse carrys on from one family to another until the chain
is broken. And for me it was when I had my own babies in
the 80's and entered recovery in '90.

I drank for yrs to numb the hurt, pain, resentments and all
that is tied up with it. I learned in recovery how to work thru
my issues and how to let go of the resentments. I have learned
to forgive so I could heal and become healthy and move on with
my life living happy joyous and free from alcohol.

Today i refuse to allow those that have hurt me to steal my joy
any longer. I am me and proud to be who I am. I also LOVE myself.
Proud of who I have become.

So can you.