Stevie1

me77, I know just what you mean about feeling better after not drinking for a while, then boom, drinking again. That was always my downfall too.

I resisted AA for decades really, now I am finding it extremely helpful and for the first time in many years I feel hopeful...I am very new to the program. And I am totally, utterly non-religious. I don't yet have a clear picture of my higher power, but a power greater than me is making me keep drinking, so it makes sense that finding some sort of strength outside of myself might just be what keeps me sober this time around.

But it's not the only way...I do agree that you need to find some sort of support besides your boyfriend and your own willpower.

Researching may be a way of distancing yourself from a solution...perhaps stop researching and start doing? Whether it's AA, Rational Recovery, a counselor, whatever. You can research yourself up to a brick wall and end up nowhere...I identify with that as well.

blackhorse

If you want what we have got and you are prepared to go to any lengths for sobriety it is suggested that you take the steps. It worked for us in AA.

Regarding your higher power, some people look upon the group or anyone with long term sobriety as a power greater than themselves. Rather than believing in a higher power, be 'willing' to believe in a power greater than yourself and you may get a lovely surprise.

MrDavid

Hi Me77...Welcome

I believe you experienced a temporary loss of reason; which is usually due to the uncontrollable urges associated with active alcoholism.

These uneasy feelings are generated with the onset of any active addiction and can continue to spiral out of control as the onslaught of these addictions infiltrates our lives.

My suggestion is to seek medical advice about detoxifying, then follow up work with an addiction counselor.

Keep us informed about your recovery and remember; it’s not about how many times you fall, but how many grow stronger as a result. Rise…Me77 and reclaim your life…one day at a time.

~God Bless~

Peter G

Your boyfriend is the only system of support and encouragement you are currently allowing into your life. But no, he's not the only one. There are heaps upon heaps of folks in AA and other programs that will provide you support, and they have an edge on that one person you're comfortable with.... they've been there and done that. You also said "the only one who has any idea what I'm going through". Well Me77, you're here now, where I would venture a guess and say 95% of the good folks know exactly and intimately what you're going through. As with AA, where 95% of the people could read your laundry list of alcohol issues verbatim without ever having met you.

Keep posting, and keep trying AA, believe me, your problem with little support will disappear before your eyes.

Let me ask you a question... What do you think the people who knew you were at an AA meeting for? My guess is they weren't there to pick out folks they could "out" in public. If you know people at an AA meeting, then you know you are not the only one struggling with a bottle. Chances are, if you ever struck up a good conversation with them they might even be able to help you get sober.

Here's a better way to put it... pick one from this list:

People who attend AA are:
1. Alcoholics in need of help staying sober
2. Sober alcoholics who want to help others achieve the same
3. Spies for "the man".

See how that works? If you know people in an AA group, stand up and scream "hell yes!", because you have an edge with them, an edge on figuring out how the process works. And if it's really that hard for you, you don't have to drive yes? Hop on a train or a bus and get somewhere that gives you a statistical probability of really being anonymous. But whatever you do, don't stop trying because of other people. Alcoholics die saying "I'll get to a meeting once it's not such a hassle". We die Me77, we die all the damned time from worrying about how we are seen by other people - the same folks who most likely already know we're hopeless drunks.

Few more questions, if I may. If you're driving your son somewhere, would you get drunk before the event? My money's on no. When you get to have breakfast with him, are you drunk? Again, I'm letting the money ride on no. And are there no morning meetings in this other town? I'd drop down 50.00 on yes.

My point is that what I'm reading are pretty compelling .... excuses for not getting help. Getting to AA and giving it a chance to help you is something you would do naked in a snowstorm - if you're really ready to get sober. Reading your posts it does seem like you want to get off the sauce, so now all you have to do is prioritize what is most important to you in order to fulfill your desire to be sober. And that is this: The most important thing in my life is getting and remaining sober, everything else comes in second place. Full stop. People I know at the damned meetings? 2nd place. Full stop. Can't get to another town cuz I'll always be too drunk. 2nd place. Take a bus. Full stop. Career holding me back from saving my own a$$? 2nd place. Get a leave of absence. FULL STOP. I think you see what I'm saying.

Do you have a Big Book? That might be a good start, until you're ready to jump through the necessary hoops that is. If you do, have you read it cover to cover? If yes, have you read it recently cover to cover?

You might read this post as harsh but really and truly I'm not posting to be rude. Fact is that I'm a hopeless alcoholic, and I care deeply for anyone who is currently suffering what I've only recently managed to stop suffering from. I really do care about you getting sober. It's just that most of us, like you, are very well practiced in the art of the excuse, and for finding the reasons why we can't ever seem to get the help we need. When a hurdle comes up, just ask yourself, are they honestly strong enough reasons to NOT get the help you need?

ronf

OHHH! you sound just like me. You DON'T need a clear definition, just a sneaking suspicion. I spent the first 5 years stumbling over this "God" thing and continuing to go in and out of AA. IF! this helps, I finally came to realize the God of my understanding was inside me and not out in the universe some where. (the Hubble telescope helped with this one) For me it's real simple- my conscience is my higher power. When I pray I KNOW it hears me. I don't have to wonder if the words really left my head and floated out to some being I cant comprehend. Then I KNOW I hear my own conscience when it makes me cringe about something I've done wrong or it makes me peaceful at night because I've done right. If I make it any more complicated than that I'm lost. It's helped keep me sober a long time now.

KEEP POSTING

Ron

Peter G

As a qualification, I hadn't read this when I posted earlier.

Having said that, I gotta say something else regarding ^^^^. How in the world do you expect to have an ability figuring it out for yourself, when you're suffering with alcoholism? You won't. Well, you might (with enough horseshoes and lucky charms), but figuring things out on my own is what had me close to death, losing my son, in and out of hospitals, and ending up in jail at least half a dozen times. The only thing I ever successfully figured out while I was drinking, was that I needed some serious frikin help in order to stop drinking. Everything else I thought I knew or tried to learn did ziltch to help me get sober.

The reason support is important for people with this thing of ours is simply because we can't ever expect to figure it out on our own. You can't intellectualize the agony of disease through self awareness anymore than I can make you understand how good my Spaghetti sauce tastes. It is what it is. Alcohol is a substance that makes your analytic mind irrational and self delusional.

Then don't make it about God in any sense. Hell don't even make it about God as you understand him/her/it. Make it. fit. Full. Stop.

Make it work, for you. Every phrase where God is necessary, where spiritual awakenings are asked of you, turn it into personality enhancements, a better you, a psychic change. There are kazillions of atheist and agnostic alcoholics who have used AA to get and remain sober.

What some call God others call a higher self. The awakenings I might feel from working the steps are spiritual in nature, but for you they might just be the realization that you are a better person. It doesn't matter in the least if it relieves you of the obsession to drink.

Staying away from AA because of the God question is another one of those very compelling and perfectly understandable reasons, which fits nicely with all the other ones I read in previous posts.

me77

why didn't i find you guys before? i only posted my first miserable comment less than 9 hours ago. and you've sent me so many positive and inspiring feelings. if this is similar to AA, then i like AA.
I am making a conscious effort tomorrow to organize my life, work, kid, school, etc, so that i can go to rehab/detox. i need and want to be better. my sweet boyfriend has agreed to undertake whatever is needed to help me. I thank my stars for him.
if you hear from me tomorrow, then i chickened out, and need your support more than ever.
if you hear from me several days from now, then hopefully i've made a new start for myself, and i'll need you to help me through.
peace and love.
-me

Peter G

This message deserves a round of applause.

Peter G

He!! yes sister! Get it done. Whatever it takes. My hopes and prayers are with ya big time.

me77

oh, i'm so scared. i've been here so many times.
can i do it this time?
please, let it be so............................

ronf

yes

ronf

Well we haven't heard from her. I'll take that as good news. Lets keep posting here so she knows we've been thinking of her till she gets back.

Ron

Snarf

I really hope she made it to the rehab/detox facility. Her original post spoke to me for some reason. I pray she's able to get the help that she needs.

Kjell

It's GREAT when someone is willing to try.

Makes such a big difference.

Peter G

My fingers are crossed. Hopefully she's put her sobriety first this time. Me77 if you read this, let us know how you're doing?

MemphisBlues

Me77....praying (sorry, but I am, and I couldn't tell you what that means) that you made it into a program of caring, understanding and helping people.

The God Thing is hard for me, to. Cursed him/her/it more than I ever prayed to him/her/it. But since I gave it up, said to myself I ain't squat, but that something created nothing into something, small, good things have come my way.

I'm as far away from a traditional AA groups system as can be imagined, yet I found one, and went. The first time in a decade. And then I went again. And the God Thing was there.

When we clasped hands and said the Lord's Prayer, I said to myself, here we go again. But at the end, we shook hands, and said, "Keep coming back." I did.

And the God Thing was there for me in the morning, a simple word of encouragement from someone posting here, and then last night I went to an AA meeting, and afterwards went for coffee with several members. The person who gave me a ride home spoke to me in a clarity and concern that I couldn't find anywhere else, and dropped several droplets of wisdom that got me through this morning.

I'm nearing five months of sobriety, and I have to believe in something. Today my God is another AA saying: "It works if you work it."

Good luck. I'm praying (sorry again) that not seeing a post from you today is a good sign.