how do i do it?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 7
how do i do it?
hi everyone. this is my first time on the site, or on any site like this for that matter - i've read a few when feeling desperate and looking for advice. but here i am now...
i'm feeling myself losing control, and i know i need help. i've already hit rock bottom. 3 years ago, alcohol led me to lose my marriage, my home, my friends, my animals, my car, my reputation, and the worst thing: i lost custody of my son. i got myself into rehab, went to a couple of aa meetings (not my cup of tea), and stayed sober for exactly one week. since then, i've been able for the most part to maintain a more normal life. after my whole world was turned upside down i did some good things for myself, trying to regain myself. i got back into college 10 years after dropping out, and if i can hang on, i'll graduate in may.
trouble is, i don't feel like i can hang on. i've been thinking about going back into a detox/rehab facility. i think that is what i need to do. but with my busy job, and final few weeks of school before graduation, how do i do it? also, all the positive things in my life are related to my son. since i've gotten a little better (and good at hiding when i'm not better), the ex has been very generous with letting me have my son. right now, i get to do breakfast with him and take him to school in the mornings. plus every other weekend, and some times in between.
the last thing i want to do is show signs of weakness and discourage the ex from letting me have more time with my son - even jeopardizing my long range plan to gain custody back. i can't let him know i'm relapsing.
i am oh so familiar with what i'm feeling right now. i feel depressed, stupid that i can't handle it, worthless, like i'm being sucked back down into that spiral that almost killed me before. it's 11:30 am and i'm still in bed. i was due at work 3 hours ago. but everyday i'm hungover. sometimes i can manage this at work. sometimes not so much. i've resisted the bottle of vodka in the cabinet so far today, but i know i'm heading for it soon.
i have a great understanding boyfriend, who is my only system of support and encouragement (the only one who has any idea what i'm going through). i want to be a better person for him, for my son, and for myself. my birthday was two days ago. i want this year to be the one. to get control of my life. to get a better job. to build a stable future with my son and have better relationships.
but i feel weak, and i don't know how to be better. i'm falling. how many times can a person hit rock bottom?
i'm feeling myself losing control, and i know i need help. i've already hit rock bottom. 3 years ago, alcohol led me to lose my marriage, my home, my friends, my animals, my car, my reputation, and the worst thing: i lost custody of my son. i got myself into rehab, went to a couple of aa meetings (not my cup of tea), and stayed sober for exactly one week. since then, i've been able for the most part to maintain a more normal life. after my whole world was turned upside down i did some good things for myself, trying to regain myself. i got back into college 10 years after dropping out, and if i can hang on, i'll graduate in may.
trouble is, i don't feel like i can hang on. i've been thinking about going back into a detox/rehab facility. i think that is what i need to do. but with my busy job, and final few weeks of school before graduation, how do i do it? also, all the positive things in my life are related to my son. since i've gotten a little better (and good at hiding when i'm not better), the ex has been very generous with letting me have my son. right now, i get to do breakfast with him and take him to school in the mornings. plus every other weekend, and some times in between.
the last thing i want to do is show signs of weakness and discourage the ex from letting me have more time with my son - even jeopardizing my long range plan to gain custody back. i can't let him know i'm relapsing.
i am oh so familiar with what i'm feeling right now. i feel depressed, stupid that i can't handle it, worthless, like i'm being sucked back down into that spiral that almost killed me before. it's 11:30 am and i'm still in bed. i was due at work 3 hours ago. but everyday i'm hungover. sometimes i can manage this at work. sometimes not so much. i've resisted the bottle of vodka in the cabinet so far today, but i know i'm heading for it soon.
i have a great understanding boyfriend, who is my only system of support and encouragement (the only one who has any idea what i'm going through). i want to be a better person for him, for my son, and for myself. my birthday was two days ago. i want this year to be the one. to get control of my life. to get a better job. to build a stable future with my son and have better relationships.
but i feel weak, and i don't know how to be better. i'm falling. how many times can a person hit rock bottom?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: des moines ia
Posts: 362
Me77, Mornin, You got yourself in a tough spot!! Been there! The most important thing I read in your post was that your boyfriend was your only support!?!? Keep coming here, Your post was a great first step!!! There are many different ideas on this forum for achieving what you want. Keep coming back and I bet you'll find one for you. Personally I would encourage you to give AA another try. I know you said it wasn't your cup of tea, but it would work with your crazy schedule. Every meeting is different!! Some are gut wrenching and depressing, and some are non stop laughter. You WILL get support there, and support is the MAIN thing in achieving what you want. You'll find a lot of support right here on the forums, but the face to face interaction of a group is what made the difference for me.
I do wish you all the best,
Ron
I do wish you all the best,
Ron
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 1,493
hello and welcome to sr.this is a great place for support.
me, i need more than just online support!
i was taken to an AA meeting when i was 18 years old (38 now)
and i tired it again almost 6 years ago.....it too wasnt for me...it didnt work.........
i lost my daughter then,she went to live with my sister 400 miles away.shes 18 now and i do see when i can.
almost 2 years ago i knew this disease was killing me,i knew in my heart i was dying.
loss of my daughter,jobs,dignity,light in my eyes,relationships...the list goes on couldnt stop me drinking.
i had tried doctors,rehab,pills,councilling,physciatrists etc etc and nothing but nothing had worked.
so with the willignness of a dying person i gave AA one last shot,it was all i had left and i knew there were folk there with long term and happy sobriety.
i coming up my 2 year birthday and most of the time i am happy,joyous and free.
like ronf said it would fit in with your busy schedule.please dont write it off with the very small experience you had with it.
me, i need more than just online support!
i was taken to an AA meeting when i was 18 years old (38 now)
and i tired it again almost 6 years ago.....it too wasnt for me...it didnt work.........
i lost my daughter then,she went to live with my sister 400 miles away.shes 18 now and i do see when i can.
almost 2 years ago i knew this disease was killing me,i knew in my heart i was dying.
loss of my daughter,jobs,dignity,light in my eyes,relationships...the list goes on couldnt stop me drinking.
i had tried doctors,rehab,pills,councilling,physciatrists etc etc and nothing but nothing had worked.
so with the willignness of a dying person i gave AA one last shot,it was all i had left and i knew there were folk there with long term and happy sobriety.
i coming up my 2 year birthday and most of the time i am happy,joyous and free.
like ronf said it would fit in with your busy schedule.please dont write it off with the very small experience you had with it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 7
Thanks ronf.
I do realize that i need a bigger support system. If only i hadn't hurt/pissed off/embarrassed/alienated pretty much all of my friends and family...
I do have AA groups in my area, but the few times I've gone, I always ran into people who know me. Anonymous, my foot. Being a professional within my community, that is so hard for me. I really want to go sometimes, and I'd go to the next town for AA meetings (for anonymity's sake), but by the time they meet in the afternoons, I've had too much to drink to drive that far.
feeling lost...
I do realize that i need a bigger support system. If only i hadn't hurt/pissed off/embarrassed/alienated pretty much all of my friends and family...
I do have AA groups in my area, but the few times I've gone, I always ran into people who know me. Anonymous, my foot. Being a professional within my community, that is so hard for me. I really want to go sometimes, and I'd go to the next town for AA meetings (for anonymity's sake), but by the time they meet in the afternoons, I've had too much to drink to drive that far.
feeling lost...
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
i'm falling. how many times can a person hit rock bottom?
Until it kills them. Alcoholism can and will kill you but not before ruining your life and the lives of those you love. Get into a recovery program, whether it be AA or another, counseling, intensive outpatient programs - just something to work on your recovery every single day. It's worth it.
Welcome to SR!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 66
Let me ask you something, are you ready to do anything and everything to quit drinking? From reading your post it seems that you CAN'T stop drinking, and I had the same exact problem. You need to stop pitying yourself and take a good hard look in the mirror, do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?
It sounds like you can't even make it a short time without relapsing, if I was you, I would check myself into rehabilitation ASAP. Going to meetings drunk isn't solving anything. And if you don't give it an honest effort NOTHING will ever change for you.
I hit bottom, again, and again, jail, rehab, hospitals was my way of life, until I gave up COMPLETELY!! and just caved in and accepted everything I was told, and I am now a little over a month sober with no plans or cravings at all really, and when the obsession does hit (which you clearly know all about) I have ways of dealing with it. I would advise you to drop to your knees and accept god into your heart to give you the strength to take this moment by moment, that was the only real thing that has helped me make it this far, God!! And take that damn bottle and pour it out, it isn't going to bring your son back. Good luck to you, I will pray for you.
It sounds like you can't even make it a short time without relapsing, if I was you, I would check myself into rehabilitation ASAP. Going to meetings drunk isn't solving anything. And if you don't give it an honest effort NOTHING will ever change for you.
I hit bottom, again, and again, jail, rehab, hospitals was my way of life, until I gave up COMPLETELY!! and just caved in and accepted everything I was told, and I am now a little over a month sober with no plans or cravings at all really, and when the obsession does hit (which you clearly know all about) I have ways of dealing with it. I would advise you to drop to your knees and accept god into your heart to give you the strength to take this moment by moment, that was the only real thing that has helped me make it this far, God!! And take that damn bottle and pour it out, it isn't going to bring your son back. Good luck to you, I will pray for you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
but by the time they meet in the afternoons, I've had too much to drink to drive that far.
Question: when you ran into someone you knew, did they do out and tell a bunch of people that they saw you at an AA meeting? What negative repurcussions did you actually experience from seeing people that you knew at the AA meeting? Not what you are afraid might happen, but what did happen?
Contrast that to what alcohol has already done to you. Which are you more afraid of?
Of course plan B could be to not drink and go to that meeting one town over.
Good luck.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
You have to want to LIVE sober more than you want to LIVE drunk. I didn't have a hope of staying sober until I really believed that sober living would be enjoyable.
Unfortunately your ex isn't doing you any favors by allowing you access to your child when you're not holding up your end of the bargain.
So you can admit that life is shtity, laying in bed with a hangover at noon. Not even showing up for work. But if your prediction is true you're probably drunk again by now. So forget about all that for another day, right? See when you're drinking there is a 'light' at the end of every tunnel. Shame about the dark that hits just hours later again.
So fear of a crappy life doesn't help much. You have to believe that the alternative will really be worth living for. With just one weeks sober history you probably don't have a clue how wonderful sober life can be. I know I didn't.
FWIW a week was longer than I had Barring my pregnancies when I was a miserable specimen for 9 mos. I had to REALLY REALLY try and enjoy life.
Welcome and good luck
Unfortunately your ex isn't doing you any favors by allowing you access to your child when you're not holding up your end of the bargain.
So you can admit that life is shtity, laying in bed with a hangover at noon. Not even showing up for work. But if your prediction is true you're probably drunk again by now. So forget about all that for another day, right? See when you're drinking there is a 'light' at the end of every tunnel. Shame about the dark that hits just hours later again.
So fear of a crappy life doesn't help much. You have to believe that the alternative will really be worth living for. With just one weeks sober history you probably don't have a clue how wonderful sober life can be. I know I didn't.
FWIW a week was longer than I had
Barring my pregnancies when I was a miserable specimen for 9 mos. I had to REALLY REALLY try and enjoy life. Welcome and good luck
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Originally Posted by me77 
went to a couple of aa meetings (not my cup of tea), and stayed sober for exactly one week
I took this out of your post. I urge you to go back, re-read your post, then read this.
I'm an alcoholic and it's amazing to me how someone can be in so much pain, someone can experience so much loss, someone can be so fearful more pain and loss are coming, but when a solution is laid out before then, they balk.
Look, I'm not saying AA is the only way, but it's a way. It worked for me, but I'm not special. It can work for you too.
We can and do recover. I'm living proof.
You can be too.
Kjell
Snarf Snarf
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: ATL
Posts: 835
The only reason you should head for that bottle of vodka is to pour it down the drain.
You listed all the things that alcohol cost you in your life, and my question to you is: Are those things not enough? What else must you lose before you give in? (And by "give in" I mean this: admit defeat by alcohol. I battled alcohol time and again. I didn't quit drinking because I beat alcohol; I quit drinking because alcohol always beat me, and I was no longer up for the fight.) You said you've already hit rock bottom, but apparently that's not the case, because it looks like there's a little further down you could go at this rate. So what do you envision being your REAL rock bottom?
You mentioned that you've run into people you know at AA meetings, and it seems as though you're concerned about how your career may be affected. My question to you is: Is your career more important than your life, or your sanity, or your relationship with (and legal ability to see) your son? I know that's kind of a heavy question, but it's very important that we prioritize things in our lives and not place something in a position where it doesn't belong.
Your boyfriend, as great as he may be, is NOT your "only system of support and encouragement." There are countless individuals out there who are able to help you. There are programs, churches, addiction counseling, web sites...It's actually hard to not find help if we actually look for it.
What means the most to you in your life? How badly do you want to achieve or keep that, whatever it may be? Are you willing to do anything it takes to live the joyous life of freedom that is just there waiting for you, or would you rather find out where that bottom really is?
You listed all the things that alcohol cost you in your life, and my question to you is: Are those things not enough? What else must you lose before you give in? (And by "give in" I mean this: admit defeat by alcohol. I battled alcohol time and again. I didn't quit drinking because I beat alcohol; I quit drinking because alcohol always beat me, and I was no longer up for the fight.) You said you've already hit rock bottom, but apparently that's not the case, because it looks like there's a little further down you could go at this rate. So what do you envision being your REAL rock bottom?
You mentioned that you've run into people you know at AA meetings, and it seems as though you're concerned about how your career may be affected. My question to you is: Is your career more important than your life, or your sanity, or your relationship with (and legal ability to see) your son? I know that's kind of a heavy question, but it's very important that we prioritize things in our lives and not place something in a position where it doesn't belong.
Your boyfriend, as great as he may be, is NOT your "only system of support and encouragement." There are countless individuals out there who are able to help you. There are programs, churches, addiction counseling, web sites...It's actually hard to not find help if we actually look for it.
What means the most to you in your life? How badly do you want to achieve or keep that, whatever it may be? Are you willing to do anything it takes to live the joyous life of freedom that is just there waiting for you, or would you rather find out where that bottom really is?
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to our Alcoholism Forum....
I strongly suggest you have an honest talk with your doctor
about how to de tox safely from alcohol.
Don't be risky and try to do it alone please.
Keep posting...many of us are winning over alcohol.
and Yes! so can you....
I strongly suggest you have an honest talk with your doctor
about how to de tox safely from alcohol.
Don't be risky and try to do it alone please.
Keep posting...many of us are winning over alcohol.
and Yes! so can you....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: des moines ia
Posts: 362
Originally Posted by me77
Thanks ronf.
I do realize that i need a bigger support system. If only i hadn't hurt/pissed off/embarrassed/alienated pretty much all of my friends and family...
I do have AA groups in my area, but the few times I've gone, I always ran into people who know me. Anonymous, my foot. Being a professional within my community, that is so hard for me. I really want to go sometimes, and I'd go to the next town for AA meetings (for anonymity's sake), but by the time they meet in the afternoons, I've had too much to drink to drive that far.
feeling lost...
I do realize that i need a bigger support system. If only i hadn't hurt/pissed off/embarrassed/alienated pretty much all of my friends and family...
I do have AA groups in my area, but the few times I've gone, I always ran into people who know me. Anonymous, my foot. Being a professional within my community, that is so hard for me. I really want to go sometimes, and I'd go to the next town for AA meetings (for anonymity's sake), but by the time they meet in the afternoons, I've had too much to drink to drive that far.
feeling lost...
There are a couple of funny truths in AA. One is, we would walk down the street in broad day light drunk and not give a damn who saw us, but when we went to our first meeting we parked 2 blocks away and snuck down the alleys 
Most AA meetings around here are in a church, not much safer place to have people see you come and go ! When you get there look around,there's a very good chance you'll see a sign that says "Who you see here and what you hear here stays here" It's been my experience that it is strictly adhered too. All the words you see typed here where typed by a real human being just like you. And just like you we ALL had to start at some point to get truly sober. I do hope a lot of the 30 day and 6 month people jump on here, they will give you more hope and encouragement than I. Myself I am in my 15th year. When I started I would look at someone with that long of sobriety and think "no f-in way" LOLKEEP POSTING
your friend, Ron
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Welcome me77
some great advice here.
I second Carols advice to see a Dr as a good first step.
This thing never gets better - I hope you decide to face your fears and do something positive about your problem now. Tipping that vodka out would be a great start
D
some great advice here.
I second Carols advice to see a Dr as a good first step.
This thing never gets better - I hope you decide to face your fears and do something positive about your problem now. Tipping that vodka out would be a great start
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 7
thank you to everyone for your advice and support. i'm trying. i actually have been able to improve my life since i hit the deep end. the issue is that it's a cycle for me. every time i get better, then hooray! i can do it! things aren't so bad! then, for some reason - maybe it's physiological, maybe i just haven't developed the coping tools i need - it comes round again. i remember the depression at a very young age, 6 or so. the alcoholism began at my first drink at 15. i just turned 34.
the difference is that every time it gets bad, i feel smarter about it. i can recognize the symptoms before i'm under water. but i know how far underwater i can go, and i don't want to go there again. or even close. i'm ready for something different. just trying to manage how i can do it and still keep the good things in my life intact.
i'm glad i found this site today. i'll keep reading, and keep posting. please keep helping.
ps - those who suggest i pour that bottle of vodka down the drain - are you ready to come take me to the emergency room? one day at a time. i'm looking into how i can go to detox and not fail my classes... really working on it.
thanks again.
the difference is that every time it gets bad, i feel smarter about it. i can recognize the symptoms before i'm under water. but i know how far underwater i can go, and i don't want to go there again. or even close. i'm ready for something different. just trying to manage how i can do it and still keep the good things in my life intact.
i'm glad i found this site today. i'll keep reading, and keep posting. please keep helping.
ps - those who suggest i pour that bottle of vodka down the drain - are you ready to come take me to the emergency room? one day at a time. i'm looking into how i can go to detox and not fail my classes... really working on it.
thanks again.
Snarf Snarf
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: ATL
Posts: 835
me77, if I lived near you and you needed to go to the Emergency Room, I would take you.
Do whatever you need to do to stop drinking. That includes any and all actions you may need to take, no matter what they may be.
Do whatever you need to do to stop drinking. That includes any and all actions you may need to take, no matter what they may be.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hi me!
I'm jumping on here as a person approaching 7 months of sobriety...its not a ton but its a good solid base and the difference its made in my life is something that would have been unfathomable 7 months ago. I don't use AA but I would go in a second if I felt I was in danger of slipping. SR is a good place to start though so I'm really glad you are here.
I'm sober with the help of SR, the grace of God, an amazing life coach and a ton of books on addiction and self help. I tried for 4-5 years to get sober and could never make more than 6 days. If I can do this so can you
I'm jumping on here as a person approaching 7 months of sobriety...its not a ton but its a good solid base and the difference its made in my life is something that would have been unfathomable 7 months ago. I don't use AA but I would go in a second if I felt I was in danger of slipping. SR is a good place to start though so I'm really glad you are here.
I'm sober with the help of SR, the grace of God, an amazing life coach and a ton of books on addiction and self help. I tried for 4-5 years to get sober and could never make more than 6 days. If I can do this so can you
Recovered.
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 32
Hello me77
Have you got the AA BIG BOOK? Just as a suggestion i would get it and start reading it. It explains the 12 steps of recovery but also about the solution and the doctors opinion. It's somewhere to start.
When i came into AA i was emotionally broken, someone with 15 years sobriety suggested i go home and start saying the step 3 prayer. I didnt know what this was, i was still drinking but i did the prayer anyway, i did it daily annd this was before taking the steps or getting a sponsor and i just stopped./ drinking .. just like that! i got a sponsor, did the steps and now 8 months on life has never felt so good.
Good luck x
Have you got the AA BIG BOOK? Just as a suggestion i would get it and start reading it. It explains the 12 steps of recovery but also about the solution and the doctors opinion. It's somewhere to start.
When i came into AA i was emotionally broken, someone with 15 years sobriety suggested i go home and start saying the step 3 prayer. I didnt know what this was, i was still drinking but i did the prayer anyway, i did it daily annd this was before taking the steps or getting a sponsor and i just stopped./ drinking .. just like that! i got a sponsor, did the steps and now 8 months on life has never felt so good.
Good luck x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 7
yep. read the big book. read rational recovery. read as many things as i can get my hands on. i'm a researcher. i like to learn about things. i know what my problems are. i know what's worked for others. i just haven't figured out yet what will work for me.
i spent the 1st half of my life in church (going to church so much actually turned me away from church), and the 2nd half learning about other religions. going to god is not my answer, since i haven't deciphered what my god is yet. and so if i try to pray, i always feel like a hypocrite. that's one big problem with me and AA. i don't have a clear definition of a higher power.
i spent the 1st half of my life in church (going to church so much actually turned me away from church), and the 2nd half learning about other religions. going to god is not my answer, since i haven't deciphered what my god is yet. and so if i try to pray, i always feel like a hypocrite. that's one big problem with me and AA. i don't have a clear definition of a higher power.
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