PHIZ007

Hi guys...I hope you don't mind me posting this here....I posted in friends an family and it was kindly suggested that I post it in other forums too to gain abetter insight so here it is....I a married to an Alcoholic....

well I am working very hard on myself this week and I am in great form! But Trying and sometimes achieving detaching with love from my AH...not always easy but I seem to be geting better at it (lets face it....its better than wanting to hit him on the head with a heavy based frying pan...and that is how I have felt at times!!....funny though it my sound today)....today I am in a good place.

anyway I got to thinking about what it might be like from his point of view. I know there are many recovering/recovered alcoholics on his board and I am really keen to hear what it was like for them, how they really feel/felt about their wives/children etc etc.

Just to summarise for many of you that haven't 'met' me previously....We have recently moved to the UK after 11 years in Australia. I am from the UK but moved to Australia when we met in 1999. I had no experience of alcoholism, no idea atall that He was an alcoholic until some years later....well we now have 3 beautiful children and I am trying very hard to keep balance in their lives and thats why we moved back to the UK. My mum isn't well aswell and I needed the love and support of my family.It was tough bringing up 3 children so far away especially when My darling H is an alcoholic. I am not sure what the future holds with us as a couple yet because the first step for me was to get me and our children back to the UK....I can now tick that off the list! I am now organising schools etc and can't think past that yet! So thats a quick summary...

We live together and I am trying to detach and getting better all the time. He pretty much drinks two bottles of wine every single night 365 nights a year......as you can imagine this doesn't tie in too well with family life.....he is way passed conversing by 8pm every night!! I of course have lived with this for a long time.....I enjoy my life and I do things with or without him. When he gets verbally abusive after a bottle or so it does S**t me big time!!...he never apologises EVER and I got to wondering recently how he really must feel.......how it really must be from his side.....during the day he is kind, gentle, loving and just lovely to be around but at night it can be the complete opposite! He is a wonderful provider (financially) and he works hard to provide for us....and for that I am thankful.He has lots of good qualties (as most do!) but of course the two bottles of wine is also part of the package! He would never speak to me during the day like that atall....Dr J and Mr H I Guess!

I began to realise recently as the verbal outbursts became more regular that maybe he doesn't actually remember them... Idon't bother anymore to remin him! been there done that and moved on.....could this be true?....

How does he really feel? I know he knows he lets us down (he told me that along time ago....but of course the bottle still wins!) and I feel like during the day he is always trying to make up for the behaviour/absents his drinking brings to the whole family.....he says he loves me (tells m all the time...the childre too) and tells me we are the most important thing in his life....I truly believe he does want that to be true but I also know the bottle comes first after 6pm!

anyway I hope I am making some sense and for those that my be in postion to tell me what it is like from the A's side your input would be greatly appreciated.

Wishing everyone good day......and good thoughts to any of us who may be struggling a little this week.

I look forward to your responses....thank you for reading.

Take Care All Phiz

least

After living sober over twenty years I started having one glass of wine almost four years ago to 'relax' before my kids got home from high school so I wouldn't get sucked into fighting with them. Within a matter of months I was drinking all day, every day, and was very addicted. My oldest daughter (still) at home begged and threatened me to stop but I only lied about it and hid it better (I thought). I realized six months down the road that I was going thru withdrawals every morning when I woke up with the shakes really badly.

I knew it was upsetting my kids, the one especially, but could not stop on my own. I went to detox/rehab three times in six months but each time started drinking again in a matter of days or weeks. I didn't want to keep drinking but didn't know any other way to live without my 'escape'.

14 months ago I ruined six months sober by drinking (why??) for two days and woke up on the third day sick as hell and hating myself enough to wish I were dead. I finally made up my mind to stop for good and haven't had a drink since. Don't even want to drink now as my life is going very well and I'm happier than I've been in a long time.

I could not stop drinking for any reason: not when daughter threatened to move in with her dad, not when I realized I might easily get a DUI, not when my health was in danger if I continued to drink. I had to reach my own bottom and had to want to quit for myself.

There is little you can do to convince an alcoholic to quit drinking S/he has to want to quit for themselves. Sometimes it takes severe consequences to make them 'see the light', like your taking the kids and moving out or making the alkie move out to save your sanity and the kids lives. I hope your alcoholic can come to his senses and stop, until he does I'd advise AlAnon for support for yourself and kids. You cannot 'make' him stop but your actions should be to take care of yourself and your kids. Growing up in an alcoholic home does some awful damage to kids.

Welcome to SR.

SSIL75

I told myself before I drank every day that I wouldn't drink more than 2 (or whatever arbitrary goal I had set for the day) and then while drinking convinced myself that the number I was drinking was OK (it's just 2 before dinner, 2 with dinner, an after dinner drink, one with a movie and a nighcap!). It was just whatever part of my brain that was craving the high doing the talking. With me as a captive audience.

Now I was never abusive, verbally or otherwise. And I'd hesitate to put that in the alcoholic bucket. An abuser is an abuser, drunk or otherwise. I wouldn't tolerate that.

least

Thanks for reminding me SSIL, forgot to say Abuse of any kind is NEVER ok, drunk or sober. It's NEVER ok!

SSIL75

And I guess I should say that I do believe that my alcoholism was by definition abusive because it caused me to neglect my family.

loveon2legs

I know for myself, when I was drinking heavily I was a very very unhappy person...I was in a very dark place...during the day when I wasnt drinking, you would never know that...I would wear a "mask" and be friendly and cheery...then when I would come home exhausted from being so fake, I would get my wine and drink...so I could let myself go....to join that miserable person who was waiting for that drink...then, but not always I would argue with my boyfriend...I was at times so mean with the things I said..I often wondered why he stayed...I would wake up with this dreaded feeling and not always remember what I said or what I did....I just knew that I felt awful inside...again....so the cycle continued UNTIL...I had enough...I admitted to myself that booze was and will continue to ruin my life.....Looking back I am ashamed of some things I did and said, but it doesn't define who I am....I can't change the past...but I can certainly make better tomorrows....
Your husband needs to find his way, and until he realizes how he is and accepts it, the cycle will continue.....

Wishing YOU peace and love.....

Reset

I know this might sound a bit crazy and underhanded but is there a way to secretly record him when he's drunk and play it back for him when he's sober?

If you really think he's not aware of how he gets that might open his eyes.

IKneedaBreak

I've been wanting to ask this exact same question. I could have written this, only my AH starts at 9am, I get home from work and feed him and pray he goes to bed early in the basement guest area. I can tell you that the detach with love gets harder and harder, making the "detach" bigger than the "love" part.
I've read that trying to detox is harder than a dying man on the desert trying to deny himself water. I don't know if thats accurate, maybe someone here can answer that. Other things that I wonder about are;
which is worse the physical craving or the mental ones?

Heavy on my mind right now;
Who of you attempted or achieved sobriaty primarily to prevent loss of relationship, as in your co dependant enabler? You can see where I'm going with this.
He empties a magnum of rum or more, every third day and has done so every day for 15 years. Addiction goes hand in hand with rage, depression and abuse (in my case verbal).
I fear that he will be too far gone to make the decision to stop if I wait much longer.

ste

My wife threatened to do just what you said L&D! Opened my tired eyes!

Why do it secretly? Of course I'd be on my best behaviour if I knew I was being recorded. Just the idea shocked me; maybe I don't remember what an azz I was/can be.

But still, he needs to want to change. Even a camera would just make him a benign alcoholic IMHO. One recording he could shrug off, and forever be wary. Maybe a month of recordings? I don't know, its up to him.

MrDavid

Hit them with a prayer not a chair...just kidding...the chair part that is. I suggest trying AlAnon; It's a great support network and has helped many people. We will continue to pray for you...as always
~God Bless~

Stevie1

Phiz I don't know what it's like for your husband...but when I was married and drinking very heavily, I was two people. The successful, active, sober me during the day, and the drunk, sometimes angry and abusive black-out me at night or when I didn't have to work or be on my game. I remembered very little of the black-out drunk times - apparently I was often quite functional and people did not realise that I was basically unconscious - other times, not so functional and very obviously out-of-control drunk, sometimes angry and verbally abusive to people. Most of which I didn't remember; but was told about.

I was horribly, HORRIBLY ashamed and baffled by how I was so controlled by alcohol, and how I sometimes acted so badly. But here's the thing...and maybe this is your husband's thing too....I rarely addressed it or apologized later. Because, see, that would be an admission that I was in trouble and acting like a shrieking witch. And if I had to make that admission, especially to my husband, the next step would be to do something about it, ie quit drinking. And, I did not want to do that, wasn't ready. I'm pretty sure a recording of many of my sloppiest/meanest/shame-inducing drunks wouldn't have had a lasting effect either.

I did sober up for a while after cracking up my car while blind drunk, but the marriage pretty much faltered and fell apart after that. No kids, I hope to think I would have acted differently had we had children but I don't know.

Nobody ever got in my face and tried to hold me accountable; I'm not sure it would have made a difference really. I do agree that you should not have to take abuse and being drunk is NOT AN EXCUSE, even if he doesn't remember it! I also agree that you can't force someone to quit, and that Al-Anon or some sort of support for you and your kids is important.

Reset

That's why you do it secretly.

Plus the camera could come across as confrontational and cause him to go even more ballistic. That's not good even if you're just trying to make a point.

If deep down he's really a kind person, seeing himself acting the opposite when drunk should help him want to change.

TheEnd

Lets see, where to start......I guess I am the classic case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, a very pleasant person during the day and very productive. However, there were many times that alcohol would take me to a much darker and deeper place, where I would be verbally abuse to my partner and do totally ridiculous things.

95% of the stuff I have absolutely no recollection of. I hear the stories the next day how I was yelling in the streets or banging my head against a wall, but it just doesn't resonate.

My partner many times took pictures of me, and one time even recorded me, but it didn't do anything. I was ashamed at what I had seen, but it wasn't enough to make me give up the drugs and alcohol. My relationship was surviving by a thread and my behavior just became even more bizarre each episode.

What made me stop the madness??

I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired. My second DUI was an eye opener, but it still wasn't enough for me to put the bottle down. At that point, drinking pretty much was the only option that I saw. An impromptu intervention by my sister and therapist helped me at least stop the madness so that I could finally see all the wreckage that I had caused. I was a broken human being.

Someone asked the question, do people quit for the sake of a relationship. I didn't quit for the sake of my relationship, but it's one of the reasons why I do not want to pick up again. After almost of 5 months sober, things are 10x better and I can't imagine living my life like that anymore. Hope this helps.

Eddiebuckle

After a 15 year relationship my ex sat me down and said we needed counseling if our relationship was going to survive. I said straight to her face that I didn't see the point, we had grown too far apart, etc. The very first thing that popped into my head was that any therapist worth hanging a shingle would zero in on my drinking in a heartbeat. I lied, she left, I kept drinking for another three years. I knew it was a lie, and that I would lose her as a result. But I got to keep drinking. I simply was not willing to quit, as much as I loved her and feared being alone, I feared losing alcohol more.

IKneedaBreak

Thank you Eddie for your thoughtful reply. I'ts not really what I wanted to hear but is what I expected. I am also heartsick. I have been living with this for 15+ years thinking SOMEday SOMEthing will magically make him want to stop. But now the concept of enabeling is starting to make sense to me. I never-ever nag him about his drinking, or argue, I stay off his radar as much as possible. Why should he stop?
My choices; 1 stay and try to be invisible while I watch him die slowly with no real quality of life.
2. Walk away.
I hate both of these options.

ShiningStars

This is true. I've recorded my AH several times. It usually takes him a while to notice the camera, but even if he's so drunk he can't stand up he will still try to come after me to get the camera. I've learned to keep a safe distance, and my camera hidden at all times when not in use.

My AH knows I have recordings, and is aware of how he acts but refuses to watch. My primary reason to record his behavior is so that when/if there are issues about custody when I leave him I can protect our kids from being alone with him.

artsoul

Hi PHIZ - I'm so sorry this disease is affecting you and your family.

I just had a few thoughts to share looking back at my own drinking (most nights and up to a bottle of wine, sometimes more). When I was drinking, I had to deny that I was affecting anyone. I did my best to control it while around my children and managed to support them as a single mom. A drink was both my reward and escape from any/all stress.

Once I had a drink in my system, it was easy to justify "just one more." And while I might end up drinking a whole bottle, it was never my intent to do so. I'd often promise myself to just have one or two, but because of tolerance it started taking 3 or 4 to feel good (or just feel normal). As soon as I stopped putting it in my system, the mini-withdrawal would start - and I'd have some anxiety/depression, which was sometimes very subtle. So the next day I'd be a bit more moody and lethargic, which would set me up again for wanting a drink. I never played out what was happening to me mentally or physically - I was just wrapped up in getting through the day and fighting the urges (and of course caving in).

With the amount your husband drinks, I imagine he would feel some strong withdrawal symptoms if he went without drinking for a day or two. He's probably trying not to let on that it's affecting him negatively. It's a vicious cycle of drinking, craving, more stress, drinking, craving, etc.......

One almost has to step out of the disease and get sober before they realize what the whole picture looks like. We almost get accustomed to living with it. I really hope your husband doesn't have to suffer some dire consequences before he reaches out for help.

Have you ever thought of just having a seperation from him?

Eddiebuckle

IKB,

Sorry to say this, but option 2 is best for you and may be the start of him recognizing the consequences of his drinking. Don't count on the second part though - you have to do what's best for you.

Saying a prayer for you. This hurts, but ultimately it hurts less than pissing your life away.

PHIZ007

Thank you so much guys for your honest responses of how it can be from the other side. I really appreciate each and everyones input.

It is terribly to watch the person you love struggle so much with addiction......I have lots to think about...... but I am in a good place and thank goodness for SR...it keeps me sane.

And for those that are struggling right now....keep reading keep posting and keep reaching out.

Thanks again all Take care Phiz

Bamboozle

Alcoholics blame the booze for their behaviors--it becomes a convenient excuse. The victims want to see the booze as an explanation for the abusive behavior.

Abuse is abuse and it is never right. Some abusers are alcoholics--others are not. You have to decide what you put up with. I hope you can find the strength to take care of yourself and your kids.