LotusBlossom

A complete disaster.

I literally ran out of that place and made a B-Line to a gas station. I got inside, and I was literally shaking. Not alcohol withdrawal shakes - I am lucky enough that I have not experienced those ever. This was sheer panic and fear stricken shaking, my entire body. I stood there and stared at the case for so long running what happened over and over again and I (thank god) was so terrified I just stood there unable to move. The clerk eventually coughed and I turned around and she asked me if I needed help. I said no thanks (and I realized I was white I was so pale) grabbed a powerade paid for it and ran to my car.

Now to talk about why, without sending me back into that state.

Growing up, I was beaten and abused a lot by my own father (well the one who I share half my genes with) and he was a religious nut. I can't even remember the dozens of times that either while he was beating me or before or after, he would force me to pray aloud and sometimes he would join in and other times he would just listen. If I once asked for strength to deal with my burden, the beating would immediately become worse and tenfold.

I cannot bear to hear people pray or partake in public prayer. It sends me right back into that closet with my hands tied above my head.

I don't know what to do and do not know what other options are available but I cannot go back to that feeling of that little girl in the closet.

This experience, with many others is one of the many reasons why I began drinking to begin with. My first thought was to arrive late and leave early when everyone was starting to "circle up".

Anyways, enough for now because I am back to shaking like a leaf.

Shevrard

Boy I wish I knew what to say. I am too terrified to go to an AA meeting, so I can't give advice there. What you went through sounds horrible. I wonder if it would help if you had a friend who could go to meetings with you?

yeahgr8

Wow sorry to hear that!

Fortunately, in Europe, i don't have to put up with all the religious BS as the meetings finish in the serenity "prayer" which i don't consider to be religious but yeah if i was the lords prayer i would feel a little uncomfortable, not so much because it is a prayer but because i seriously doubt another persons intepretation is the same as mine...and no i don't think it is ok for me to be praying about peace and love and some nut beside me praying for a vengeful and punishing God?!

It might be quite a good opportunity for growth although it sounds like you will need some support as well as the meetings, have you thought about counselling...i see a CBT counselor as well as working the program of AA?

Oh and before you follow anyone elses advice about switching from AA to another program of recovery make sure they do it themselves and have long term sobriety through doing it otherwise its like me sending you off down a dark alley, telling you it will be ok, not knowing what is down there myself!

Thinking about the counselling suggestion, i would strongly advise this course of action!

Keep coming back here to post:-)

CarolD

I'm sorry you had such a horrific childhood and I agree
counseling for that would be the way to go.

There are other method to deal with your drinking....here is
a link for you to explore...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I think SMART has an interesting approach tho I've not
use them for my alcoholism

Hope you can relax....try deep breathing or a warm bath.

rws177

Well years ago I went to my first AA meeting and when they got in a circle and started praying I ran out of the room as well!! A lot of people in life died early on and the most religous person that I knew at work was a really mean, nutty and down right hatefull person.

After some time sober I started going to AA with a friend and despite not being big on the religous stuff I got a lot out of hearing the speakers and knowing the life I did not want to go back to. Then before too long I started going regularly and the praying and stuff no longer botherd me at all. I know where you are coming from and was the exact same way. I'd say just keep going and if you have to leave before the our father at the end and just get what you can from the speaker and people sharing about what drinking did to there lives.

LotusBlossom

And I know this is something I want counseling for. HOWEVER - I do not want to get or even start counseling until I know I am in a better frame of mind - where I have the ability to feel and move through emotions and not just shutting them off with alcohol. I personally have a degree in Psychology and have moved through many issues with CBT on my own, however, as much as I abhor psychoanalysis I do feel that it can have some use such as in this instance.

Thank you everyone for your insight so far. And I am glad there are those out there that share my opinion on the religious aspect. Makes me feel less of a freak than what I already am (I say that tongue in cheek, of course).

CarolD

Hmm...
I never worry about who is praying or not praying
to whatever.

I do know some members who simply leave before the ending
prayer....others who stand quietly never asked why either.

I have attended AA meetings that did not use the Lords
Prayer but they might be difficult to find....just guessing on that.

Sorry to wander off topic..but wanted to reply to Cliff
He may come visiting the US at some point...

LaFemme

Hi lotus and welcome to sr. I second the point about therapy...what you went through no child should have to go through

Until you figure out what you want to do why not use SR for support...there are many here who use sr for their support system and they have good solid longterm sobriety.

ACT10Npack

lotusblossom021 go see a therapy about this. Would be a better outlet with helping with your problems.

ZZworldontheweb

Lotus,

I guess my .02 cents worth would be to encourage you to realize that your father was most likely mentally ill, and had no effective control over his actions. Understanding this might make it easier to get past the fact that he abused the very belief system he professed, and attempted to use it as a control mechanism.

In any case, he obviously had an extremely poor understanding of the things he claimed to believe.

My hope would be that realizing this makes the spiritual side of AA, and your life, less confusing. Good luck.

NYCDoglvr

Thank God I live in New York where people go to great pains to avoid references to religion. In Manhattan, all meetings end with the Serenity Prayer. I never hear people refer to "my higher power", which drive me nuts! Wouldn't be in AA if anyone pushed any form of Christianity on me.

oak

I found the prayers at AA meetings triggering too (also due to religious-type child abuse). (I do not use AA anymore.)

I like a lot of the other sobriety resources (in the link that Carol posted on this thread). I use Women for Sobriety most, but I also like SMART and others.

I do think counseling can help you be with your emotions without turning to alcohol. It might take time, but it is do-able. I have found counseling very helpful for getting more in touch with my emotions instead of shutting them off (or feeling overwhelmed by them). I know it is a hard process.

Be gentle with yourself.

I'm glad you are posting here.

onlythetruth

Lotusblossom: If you are traumatized to that degree by public prayer, may I very respectfully suggest that AA is not an appropriate support group for you...at least not at this time. If you feel that a support group would be helpful to you, there are several secular ones available, including SMART Recovery, SOS, and LifeRing. SMART Recovery in particular might be a good choice because even if they don't have face to face meetings in your area, they have something like 18 online meetings every week.

I agree wholeheartedly with Oak that you should be gentle with yourself. You do not need to be retraumatized in order to recover.

OTT

DudeLester

im not crazy about the holding hands and praying either. but i tolerate it, because i love most other aspects of the fellowship.

im afraid the praying turns off too many people to aa.

LexieCat

This isn't a matter of being "turned off" by prayer or something that feels like religion--this is a form of post-traumatic stress disorder, it sounds like (not that I'm a mental health professional).

Maybe some individual counseling would work better for you right now, or a secular-based support group. I would hope that you could find a therapist who could help you with this panic reaction. AA meetings are certainly not the only place where people might pray in public. It would seem that avoiding it forever is not an optimal solution. (I don't mean avoiding praying, but avoiding even being around it.)

Posting here will help, too.

Kjell

Don't pray with them. You don't have too.

You can still be and participate in AA without praying the serenity prayer in the beginning without praying the Lord's prayer at the end.

It's no problem.

Kjell

LexieCat

Kjell,

I don't think you understand. It isn't participating in the prayer that is the problem for her, it's being present when it is said. She has a panic reaction because of her past.

Kjell

I guess it's not that I misunderstand, it's b/c I don't understand.

...but I don't have to.

I'm sorry this happened to you and that you're able to find a recovery network where you feel comfortable.

Kjell

cabledude

Had the same reaction. Whenever I was forced to go to meetings, which was often through the years I'd have to get up and pace or stand in the back of the room...fight or flight impulse was so strong I couldn't stay in my chair. Forget about talking unless I was drinking/drunk, which removed the fear and I could make a fool of myself.

When I did things I wanted to do I could do those without a reaction, but putting me in any kind of forced situation was bad-bad.

Some six years later I was once again forced to go, but hooked up with a group and started getting something out of AA, and my earlier reaction vanished. No longer had to sit on my hands or react like I was in danger.

No one earlier gave me a bad time for being such a basket case. They were there so they could stay sober, not to interfere with my self-centeredness. No one cared if I didn't choose to partake in what was working for them.

Your extreme reactions may not fade until you want find out what to do that the other AAs do to get our defenses down enough to hear a solution there. I do understand how hard those emotions felt to you.

LifeRing is sometimes called AA-Ultralite and might be a place to get your feet wet and try to stay sober on self-will with support and encouragement, and to be able to talk about your story and get some clarity on where you've been.

lifering.org online meetings, forum, chatrooms, social networking page, books, ect, ect.

Smart might be interesting to you for some of their grounding excersizes and methods.

Sos...nah, you're not angry enough for Sos.

Women in Sobriety...why not, you qualify.

If one of the alternative programs work for you for a while, terrific. You can expect the same good results you see in others there.

Or if your drinking drives you back to having to do AA, find a women's group if you can handle being around women, they usually strive for a calming atmosphere, and you may feel less different. And you'll eventually hear someone else talking about reacting the same as yourself. Not the least bit unusual at all.

BadCompany

My father was a big shot deacon in our church that would come home and beat me senseless. I would pray to God with all my might that maniac would stop, but time after time he would come right back with more. I had to come to terms with what my father really is, just a pathetic nutcase. He's not a reflection of God, he's not a reflection of church, and most importantly in my case he's not a reflection of me. He's just a broken mirror, pathetic and useless.