BullDog777

i'm glad you wrote this. it breaks my heart that lotusblossom021 or anyone could feel like this when God is suppopsed to be the ultimate source of peace. that was incredible, beautiful wisdom

jamdls

Hi Lotus, wow, I hope you are getting or will get some kind of therapy to deal with what sounds like PTSD; I suffered from PTSD from an abusive childhood and dealt with it with alcohol for about 30 yrs it wasn't until I stopped drinking that I began to heal. I only went to a few AA meetings and the end of the meeting when everyone held hands and prayed gave me panic attacks as well, not because of the praying but the hand holding so I started leaving before the prayer began which you could certainly try.

TwelveSteps

My area has AA meetings that are atheist/agnostic themed and no praying takes place. Call the hotline (Google "AA 24-hour hotline [your city]") and call them to inquire.

GG

UniqueNewYork

Lotusblossom021 never give up. I had a lot of negative thoughts that dominated my life and still creep back in. I tried a lot of different things including going on youtube and looking up how to control negative thoughts. It will get better with time and effort trust me on this just don't give up.

Misssy2

Logically, no one is going to hurt you in meetings or put you in a closet.
When you walk thru a fear you become stronger. It is a good idea to find a friend to take with you...even if they do not need AA.
You need it and it will save your life....It will also help you grow as a person and overcome most fears that even therapists can not help you with.
You can't be afraid of helping yourself...the only thing AA is going to do is help you.
Its also a good idea like you said...to come late...sit in the back, so you feel like you can escape....and leave before the handholding prayer session.
Don't give up because if you do...your keeping yourself the little girl locked up in the closet...Its time to come out of the closet...and bravely walk away from those fears. To become strong...we have to do things that make us stronger...Running away is not going to make us stronger.

LotusBlossom

Thank you everyone. I was surprised to see so many responses and all of them are helpful. I don't doubt that it is a form of PTSD. The thought has crossed my mind on more than one occasion. Sad thing is, this is only one of the many things that used to go on. As I said, I know I need to heal but that needs to come outside of alcohol as I have been "healing" through alcohol since I was 15. Which is right when we (my mother/brother/me) left him for good. I will most definitely look into SMART and the Women for Sobriety and I will call AA's Cinci hotline for any agnostic type meetings.
The reaction for me is like a friend of mine who came back from Afghanistan 2 yrs ago now. The first few months after he came back (and he was only there for 3 months mind you) when he would be driving, he would dodge and run into other lanes of traffic to avoid anything on the road. A plastic bag, a pop bottle, anything. If he couldn't, he would hit the deck in his car. After he would shake for a while. He only went through the trauma in Afghan. for 3 months and it affected him for 4 months after he got back. I can only imagine how long it will take me going through this in the past for 12 years.
Thank you to the people who shared your similar stories. That is what gives us (me) strength.

EDIT: I contacted Cinci AA and was told "Um, no. We don't do that here in Cincinnati and our program is tied closely to god. Good luck". What kind of response is that???

I have to admit that after 24 hours of fighting it internally, I caved last night and bought a 6 pack. Even going to the store, my whole body was shaking and I was literally checking behind my back, looking for anyone. I was panic stricken. I hate myself today for it for sure, but I look forward to no drinking again (tonight and on) and looking into some of the alternative resources listed here.

ACT10Npack

Try Secular Organizations for Sobriety. Its an non religious base program.

Find an SOS Meeting

Kjell

[QUOTE=lotusblossom021;2833955EDIT: I contacted Cinci AA and was told "Um, no. We don't do that here in Cincinnati and our program is tied closely to god. Good luck". What kind of response is that???

.[/QUOTE]

They simply don't have what you're looking for, that's all.

AA is based on the idea that you are powerless over alcohol and you need a Higher Power (or God if you will) to provide you with that power.

If you're uncomfortable with prayer, especially in groups, then you may need to find an alternate form of recovery.

Keep looking and don't give up.

franie

Hi Lotus I too suffered physical and in my case sexual abuse from my father and I really identify with your trigger behaviour. My father used to wash and use a particular mouth wash before he "visited" me. To this day that particular smell will fill me with so much fear that I have to leave the room. I don't think that I will ever get over that. So I truly know where you are coming from. However, I did do therapy before I tackled my drinking. My husband is a phychiatrist (ironic or what) and this is the reason that I can now deal with my drinking. I never thought that I would be strong enough to do this - but a deep breath, many long conversations with my other half persuaded me that I had to. It was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do but one of the best. I have tried a few AA meetings and found one that I liked but I am still not convinced that it is for me - but that is something that I will not beat myself up about. AA works for some and not for others. Find what works for you - but do consider the therapy.

LexieCat

Well, Ohio is where AA started, and so I'm not too surprised there aren't any agnostics groups. Again, though, from what I'm reading your issue isn't so much with the idea of a Higher Power as it is the religious "trappings".

There are people who are housebound or isolated in some other way who are still able to succeed with AA through online groups (maybe reading a printed prayer in the safety of your home wouldn't trigger the same reaction), and you might be able to find an AA sponsor who would understand where you can't "go" and be willing to work with you privately. Just a couple of thoughts off the top of my head.

Keep posting here, though--there is a lot of good support to be had here. You can also check out the 12-Step forum on this site.

onlythetruth

If you are in Cinci, you are in a great city for SMART Recovery! There are several meetings there each week. So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and give SMART a try. I promise you there will be nary a prayer in sight.

SMART Recovery® - Meetings

cabledude

Lotusblossom, OTT has a great idea there. Just find the location to the nearest Smart meeting and go into the room before they start up. The people there will be friendly and are meeting with the purpose of recovering from alcoholism, or other things. Let them know you are brand new and don't want to drink again, and perhaps they can give you some useful tools to help you.

Be sure and get some phone numbers from the women, in case a drink starts to look good again. And there should be some literature worth buying.

Best of luck to you.

Bamboozle

Don't know if it will help, but I couldn't stay sober until I got treated for depression. Each condition strongly influences the other. I really didn't want to go to therapy or admit something was seriously wrong with me, but going saved my life....and I've been sober for almost 2 years.