julez

I'm over a month sober, in AA, and have been feeling good for the most part. Of course situations have come about that I've felt that need for a drink, but they've gone away relatively quickly.
Until right now.
Without going into the whole long drawn out story, let me just say my feelings are so hurt, they feel demolished. By my daughter. As usual.
All I want to do is get f***ing SMASHED. HAMMERED. Just F***ING PUNISH myself over it. For being so dumb to let her get to me. And because somehow I raised such a thoughtless and selfish person.
So this is me venting.
I just wish I was dead sometimes.
Now don't freak out, I'm not gonna kill myself. Just wish to be rid of all the anguish I've been feeling. Whatever. Thanks for being there for me to talk to.

MsCooterBrown

Hang in there Julez..I think if you give in and drink..it will be a gazillion times worse when you wake up tomorrow..it just adds cr@p to the pile of cr@p you are already dealing with. Try to get away from it..sometimes if you are outside of it..you can work thru it better. I will be thinking of you.

Harve

I hear you Julez. im struggling right now too. i dont have any sagely advice except to say that the **** your going right now will end. dont make it worse with booze.

doggonecarl

Please hang in there, julez. Things are bad, but drinking will only make it worse. Deal with this. Don't deal with this and a return to drinking and putting the skids on your recovery.

ZZworldontheweb

Well, I think as you proceed forward (and you WILL proceed forward), you'll look back at things like this and consider them a test of character and how well you're working the program. Try to stay ahead of your feelings, keep them in perspective, don't let them grow into some monster that they're not. Try surfing the urge, i.e. think where one drink will lead and realize it goes nowhere good. And things WILL get easier. A month isn't very long, and you'll be amazed at how much easier it is to handle the little crises as time accumulates. GOOD LUCK!

least

I drank over my youngest daughter's treatment of me... and it just messed me up big time. It didn't change her or her behavior at all. I drank to forget about her and her sh!t but I remembered it all when I awoke the next day... and woke up hating myself too. Don't drink over it. It'll just hurt you.

Antiderivative

I don't know your family situation and won't comment on it, but I do hope that you overcome this resentment and that things get better. However, I will comment on the above comment.

I know that you are upset over your daughter's selfishness, but keep in mind that one of the most selfish things an alcoholic can do, is drink. Perhaps, other alcoholics had better success than me, but I do not know how to drink and not hurt others, even if my intentions are benign. My drinking eventually has spillover effects. Even when I almost completely isolated, I drank so much that I couldn't return phones calls and when I did, I sounded like crap. It made people worry about me.

It also is apparent that you have a couple resentments, which is quite common among alcoholics. One against your daughter and one against yourself. As you probably know, the Big Book has a lot to say about resentments, especially that they can be deadly and/or lead to a life of futility.

Things will get better and this too shall pass. Hang in there. Hopefully, you have a good sponsor to guide you through a 4th step.

In the meantime, take a deep breath, maybe a hot shower or drink some tea. Think through that first drink. I know that you want to escape right now, but think about how you will feel when you finally come to tomorrow.

I wish you the best and hope you find some non-alcoholic induced serenity this evening.

Kjell

Now is the time to do something, anything, everything different.

Reach out to your AA family too and ask them for help. You'll get it.

Kjell

julez

Antiderivative, thanks for your thoughts. I recently did my 4th step, and my biggest defect was found to be perfectionism. sigh.
I've been thinking of doing a 4th step just for the resentments I have with my daughter.
The urge has passed, along with the tears. I'm finding that the urges pass quicker each time. This one was a doozy though. Really strong. Emotional distress from personal relationships were my biggest downfall..
Think I'm gonna get my BB out and read till I fall asleep.

BullDog777

i'm glad you got through it. My grandmother always said kids will make you feel no greater joy or greater heartache. now , as a father myself, i know what she meant.

stay strong.

Dee74

I'm glad you're feeling better Julez
Good on you for beating down that urge

D

imatryinhard

Stay strong! They isn't always going to be an easy journey!!! But you have support from us!!!

Thinking about you! I fear the very situation you're in right now for myself. I pray you get through it. Please update us to let us know how you're doing.

imatryinhard

Just read your update! SO HAPPY! Phew! You had me worried! Proud of you.

sunrise1

Hugs- glad you got through it. Don't hesitate to come here again if another craving hits... do you have F2F support?

oak

Julez,
Glad you're still sober. Hope you continue to feel better. I'm glad you posted instead of drinking.

CarolD

Sorry to know you are having family difficulties.
Prayers coming your way for your peace and sobriety to continue.

Fandy

Julez, family drama is a big trigger for me too.....i almost thought MY daughter had migrated to your house....don't let her push your buttons.

i'm glad you worked through it and posted here instead of reaching for a drink.

kiki5711

my oldest daughter is my "trigger"/"stressor" as they call it.

It's taking me time, but I'm learning to set my boundaries with her and all other triggers that would make me want to crawl in a hole and die.

Good luck, and best wishes.

julez

I'm so lucky to have you all. I was here before I started AA, and although I love my AA family, coming here to you all really helped me. Thank you.
I hope everyone has a peaceful and sober holiday season. xoxo

littlefish

Hang in there Julez! Yup, my family was on my list of resentments. first my parents, brothers....and I didn't put my sons on the list. I thought: how could I? I'm a parent, I can't resent my kids! But, I do...and the steps and my sponsor have really helped me make boundaries and avoid the flashpoints.
I am also codie to most of my family, so I have to consider that dynamic as well.