I Screwed Up... :(
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
I have had so many "slips" in my past. I think what's changed this time is this quote from the BB. "For me, to drink is to die". I really am that serious about it. I know it seems dramatic, but the way I was living was like being dead. I couldn't enjoy anything without drinking, but then once I was drinking - I didn't enjoy that. Alcohol probably wouldn't have resulted in an actual physical death for me for a while (but it would have happened) but from a lifestyle / happiness standpoint, it is immeedaite death.
I have decided to go to any length to ensure my sobriety. So if that means missing out on a friends visit, not going to football games, missing holiday parties where booze is served than so be it. I have a disease. Also, here is a scary but true quote that I now live by. "What ever you put ahead of sobriety, you will lose". For me an active / daily program of recovery is my top priority.
What's scary about "relapses" is they always gave me a green light to drink for a few weeks. "Well, I already messed up, I might as well drink for a while now". Please don't think this way. I would try and start right where you left off.
Best of luck to you!
I have decided to go to any length to ensure my sobriety. So if that means missing out on a friends visit, not going to football games, missing holiday parties where booze is served than so be it. I have a disease. Also, here is a scary but true quote that I now live by. "What ever you put ahead of sobriety, you will lose". For me an active / daily program of recovery is my top priority.
What's scary about "relapses" is they always gave me a green light to drink for a few weeks. "Well, I already messed up, I might as well drink for a while now". Please don't think this way. I would try and start right where you left off.
Best of luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Bowling Green, Kentucky
Posts: 39
"For me, to drink is to die". As quoted by Reggiewayne is succinct and to the point. I am so terrified of going back to where the drink had taken me I have become fully convinced beyond any reasonable doubt that this statement for "ME"...is truth absolutely.
I too have been in the revolving door of on again off again drinking in the past so many times that I quit counting. However, the point for me was to keep coming back...to keep that flame of hope burning no matter how small it may have become...why? Because for me to drink "is" death. On the inside I was screaming for help and hating my existence in the drinking state. During this past year (of sobriety) many things have happened to me that were nothing more than excuses to pick up the bottle again but for reasons beyond my understanding my Higher Power has enabled me to remain sober. I've not picked up but I will tell you that it has not always been this way...in the past I was in your same seat...beating myself up for having "slipped"...or whatever phrase one can coin to connote the idea that I had drank.
I drank because of so many different reasons but the one that always seems to trump all of the others was simply that I loved how it made me feel. There can be a love affair with inanimate objects and mine was with alcohol. Up until the time that I began to drink alcoholically I loved what the drink did for my self-esteem; how it removed all those seemingly silly fears associated with being a social creature. Even after succumbing to knowledge that I was alcoholic I continued to drink in the hopes of controlling it to the point that I could have my cake and eat it too…unfortunately for this alcoholic (and all others too but I can only speak for myself) this was unrealistic thinking. The truth of the matter is I can never ever safely drink again. And that knowledge does not in the least make me fearful as it had done so often in the past.
As little children try to exert their boundaries of what they are allowed to do in their quest for seeking happiness and learning about the world about them they will often push their parents, or authority figures just to see how far is too far. We as adults have not shed that innate inquisitiveness of wanting to know where the boundaries of life exist. What is so beautiful about the childhood learning experience is that there is a comfort in knowing that the authority over us knows how far is too far. And with that knowledge after a small bout of pouting the child normally goes about their business never realizing that the God given innate desire to want to know the boundaries has saved them from some potential harm. Along with this experience a relationship of trusts begins to blossom between the child and the caretaker. We (I) alcoholics have exceeded the boundaries and have traversed into no-man’s land and received the full recompense that this defiance brings about…loneliness, sickness, self-abasing, ad infinitum…but there is a beacon of hope, a lighthouse warning of the fast approaching shoreline. We can live full happy lives without the additive of alcohol. My alcoholic brain had convinced me that I could not wrest any joy or happiness without it. But that was a lie perpetuated by the continuation of abuse. Having been away from it long enough for the fog to lift and to begin living life again on life’s terms I cannot begin to describe the joy unspeakable, the happiness, and the freedom I have with this knowledge of the boundary. I thank God for setting me free. He whom the Lord sets free is free indeed. That of course is my own brand of my Higher Power. The bottom line is you can be free from this bondage…there are many different things that you can do “daily” that will help you along the way such as getting a sponsor and calling them every day, praying (to a higher power of your own understanding) every day, reading the big book (or some source of recovery literature) every day, go to a meeting every day, basically work a program of recovery every day…
P.S. Don’t beat yourself up, let your sponsor do that and if you don’t have one get one…they can literally save you life.
I too have been in the revolving door of on again off again drinking in the past so many times that I quit counting. However, the point for me was to keep coming back...to keep that flame of hope burning no matter how small it may have become...why? Because for me to drink "is" death. On the inside I was screaming for help and hating my existence in the drinking state. During this past year (of sobriety) many things have happened to me that were nothing more than excuses to pick up the bottle again but for reasons beyond my understanding my Higher Power has enabled me to remain sober. I've not picked up but I will tell you that it has not always been this way...in the past I was in your same seat...beating myself up for having "slipped"...or whatever phrase one can coin to connote the idea that I had drank.
I drank because of so many different reasons but the one that always seems to trump all of the others was simply that I loved how it made me feel. There can be a love affair with inanimate objects and mine was with alcohol. Up until the time that I began to drink alcoholically I loved what the drink did for my self-esteem; how it removed all those seemingly silly fears associated with being a social creature. Even after succumbing to knowledge that I was alcoholic I continued to drink in the hopes of controlling it to the point that I could have my cake and eat it too…unfortunately for this alcoholic (and all others too but I can only speak for myself) this was unrealistic thinking. The truth of the matter is I can never ever safely drink again. And that knowledge does not in the least make me fearful as it had done so often in the past.
As little children try to exert their boundaries of what they are allowed to do in their quest for seeking happiness and learning about the world about them they will often push their parents, or authority figures just to see how far is too far. We as adults have not shed that innate inquisitiveness of wanting to know where the boundaries of life exist. What is so beautiful about the childhood learning experience is that there is a comfort in knowing that the authority over us knows how far is too far. And with that knowledge after a small bout of pouting the child normally goes about their business never realizing that the God given innate desire to want to know the boundaries has saved them from some potential harm. Along with this experience a relationship of trusts begins to blossom between the child and the caretaker. We (I) alcoholics have exceeded the boundaries and have traversed into no-man’s land and received the full recompense that this defiance brings about…loneliness, sickness, self-abasing, ad infinitum…but there is a beacon of hope, a lighthouse warning of the fast approaching shoreline. We can live full happy lives without the additive of alcohol. My alcoholic brain had convinced me that I could not wrest any joy or happiness without it. But that was a lie perpetuated by the continuation of abuse. Having been away from it long enough for the fog to lift and to begin living life again on life’s terms I cannot begin to describe the joy unspeakable, the happiness, and the freedom I have with this knowledge of the boundary. I thank God for setting me free. He whom the Lord sets free is free indeed. That of course is my own brand of my Higher Power. The bottom line is you can be free from this bondage…there are many different things that you can do “daily” that will help you along the way such as getting a sponsor and calling them every day, praying (to a higher power of your own understanding) every day, reading the big book (or some source of recovery literature) every day, go to a meeting every day, basically work a program of recovery every day…
P.S. Don’t beat yourself up, let your sponsor do that and if you don’t have one get one…they can literally save you life.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
Originally Posted by nacona 
I heard that in rehab in 1999 and my f'd up brain told me....hey, green light, if relapsing is a part of recovey, then I can relapse...yay for me!! and I did and I did and I did and I did......slow learner..very slow.
Back on the horse, Miela. Nothing else to do but get back on!
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 1,202
Miela, I know ... it, however your quote inspired me to do better. "SOBER SINCE 19 DECEMBER 2010 " I'm glad to see your optimism with that really, thank you, I wish you the best truly, we can be SR friends if you want :].
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Europe
Posts: 445
Thank you all for your support and encouragement, I really appreciate it 
You know, the funny thing is I really didn't want to drink that night, I just wasn't prepared enough. The phrase "fail to prepare, prepare to fail" springs to mind. You see, I'm unbelievably competitive (with myself mainly) so I needed to show myself that I could get to week 4, then week 5, week 6... etc. When I took the first mouthful of my first drink, I just felt sick to the pit of my stomach and didn't enjoy it at all. Of course there was a briefweird, sick 'high' during the earlier part of the day when I knew drinking was 'inevitable' but the want to not drink quickly over shadowed this. The next day I drank again because a)I felt so sick from the hangover, and b)there was a bottle of wine remaining from the night before so what's a girl to do? BS EXCUSES, I KNOW!!!
So, I haven't drank since but there is an event with friends on New Years Eve which I am completely ill prepared for. I have no idea how to avoid drinking in this situation and I honestly don't know how I will cope if I don't drink. I also know I will 'disappoint' these particular friends if I don't drink, if that makes any sense at all?!?
Why on earth do we have to live in such a drinking culture where non-drinkers who choose not to destroy their bodies are the odd ones out???
Thank you all for listening and replying with such wisdom and encouragement.
Hoping you're all doing OK.
M
You know, the funny thing is I really didn't want to drink that night, I just wasn't prepared enough. The phrase "fail to prepare, prepare to fail" springs to mind. You see, I'm unbelievably competitive (with myself mainly) so I needed to show myself that I could get to week 4, then week 5, week 6... etc. When I took the first mouthful of my first drink, I just felt sick to the pit of my stomach and didn't enjoy it at all. Of course there was a briefweird, sick 'high' during the earlier part of the day when I knew drinking was 'inevitable' but the want to not drink quickly over shadowed this. The next day I drank again because a)I felt so sick from the hangover, and b)there was a bottle of wine remaining from the night before so what's a girl to do? BS EXCUSES, I KNOW!!!
So, I haven't drank since but there is an event with friends on New Years Eve which I am completely ill prepared for. I have no idea how to avoid drinking in this situation and I honestly don't know how I will cope if I don't drink. I also know I will 'disappoint' these particular friends if I don't drink, if that makes any sense at all?!?
Why on earth do we have to live in such a drinking culture where non-drinkers who choose not to destroy their bodies are the odd ones out???
Thank you all for listening and replying with such wisdom and encouragement.
Hoping you're all doing OK.
M
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 279
Well here is what I did. I knew that I would be going out on Friday and I would be with a "drinking friend". I thought about it for DAYS ahead of time. I envisioned over and over again ordering a cranberry selzer. (I had done this on previous attempts at quitting, bit for some reason the words "cranberry selzer" never came out of my mouth, and I would end up with a "real" drink) Not sure what was different this time, but I ordered that NA drink and held onto it for the rest of the night.
Not sure what kind of "event" you are going to, but if it's at a bar FORCE yourself to order something NA. If it's at someone's house, can you alert the host ahead of time that you aren't drinking, so they can have something for you and it doesn't have to be a big deal? Trust me, I know the experience of walking into a party and being offered a drink first thing. Nominate yourself designated driver?
If you think you aren't strong enough, stay home. I am pretty proud of myself for making it through the weekend sober, but I am worried myself about New Year's. My H and I usually keep it low key, and I really hope we just stay home this year. Not gonna lie, I am very anxious.
Not sure what kind of "event" you are going to, but if it's at a bar FORCE yourself to order something NA. If it's at someone's house, can you alert the host ahead of time that you aren't drinking, so they can have something for you and it doesn't have to be a big deal? Trust me, I know the experience of walking into a party and being offered a drink first thing. Nominate yourself designated driver?
If you think you aren't strong enough, stay home. I am pretty proud of myself for making it through the weekend sober, but I am worried myself about New Year's. My H and I usually keep it low key, and I really hope we just stay home this year. Not gonna lie, I am very anxious.
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