glitterfairy

I haven't had a drink for 1 1/2 years until tonight. Why? Well I was carving pumpkins with my kids and husband and I needed a drink. I go into the kitchen and on the counter is a 2 liter of root beer with a glass with ice and what appeared to be root beer right next to it. I took a big swig.
Well it wasn't root beer it was rum and coke. I panicked and ran to my bathroom to brush my teeth, see the taste was bringing back just too much. I started bawling uncontrollable, my kids came in to see what was wrong and then my husband came in to yell at me. He said I was being melodramatic and I didn't know what was in the cup and that it doesn't change anything. For me it changes EVERYTHING.

Can I really be with this person who could care less about my sobriety? It seems like he started drinking more when I quit. Honestly I'm not sure if I just failed to recognize it when I was boozing too.

I did manage to pull myself together for my kids and finish carving pumpkins but I really can't comprehend the logistics of this marriage.
If anyone out there has had success staying sober when those around you fail I would love input. Also input on when you finally knew it was too much and you had to move on from a relationship.
Thanks for reading my ramblings.

CarolD

I don't have any experience with marriage that would be
helpful to you.

I do want to say....you drank by mistake and took action by
quickly brushing your teeth. This error has not compromised
your sober time. Please relax about the mistake.

Prayers for your peace going out....
Blessings to you and your family

yeahgr8

It was a mistake...ive no experience of staying with someone who drinks heavily either the lady i am with doesnty drink unless it is a special occasion...this is normal and represents the drinking behaviour of the majority of people on the planet regardless of what anyone tells you...

Would i stay with her if she started drinking heavy or was acloset alcoholic, sure if she went into a program of recovery and changed and stayed sober...otherwise i would kick her ass to the kerb love or no love...hope it turns out well for you and congrats on the year and a half:-)

Dee74

I agree...this was a mistake - not a deliberate action on your part, glitterfairy.

I know many members here do not always get support and understanding from their spouses, but that's what SR is for - support 24/7

I would probably not overthink this - I figure if you have 18 months sobriety you must be doing something right - so keep doing it

D

BullDog777

i also agree with everyone else. you didn't intend to drink, so don't let this rent too much space in your head.

this probably scared the hell out of you. in my eyes, you haven't slipped at all. don't let this do more to you than just a lesson to smell everything before you drink it.

i remember being out with a good buddy of mine real early in sobriety when we went to hooters for some chicken wings. we had to eat at the bar because all the other tables were taken. he's got almost 5 years and when the waitress gave us our drinks (he ordered a coke) he took a big gulp just like you did when he figured out it was a rum and coke.

he looked at me with such horror in his eyes, it really broke my heart. we immediately went to a meeting where he tried to turn in his chips but it was everyone's opinion that this was a complete mistake. he stuck close for awhile, doubling up on meetings to make sure he was OK, but that was all. he was fine.

your husband is a "normal" and probably dosen't understand the potential severity of the situation. the word being potential. it dosen't have to ruin anything. what you had was a knee jerk reaction, and you reacted like anyone else would have.

so, please...don't beat yourself up and don't this ruin your sobriety. in the future just smell everythig before you drink it. for me, i can smell booze in drinks like a chilli fart in an elevator.

i'll say a prayer for you this morning.
be well,
bulldog

LexieCat

If I were to DELIBERATELY have even a sip of alcohol, I would feel the need to reset my sobriety date. However, if I had accidentally done what you did, I wouldn't. That said, it would have shaken me up, too.

You really can't expect your husband to understand how you felt. I don't think he's a horrible person--if he had deliberately tricked you into drinking, I'd say that was abuse. As it is, he just doesn't understand why the accident was such a big deal to you. I'd try to let that one go.

If you have a sponsor, this would be something good to discuss with her. But please don't let it mess with your head too much. You still have your 18 months and counting.

bdiddy5522

I am sorry for what happened. I was accidentally served an alcoholic drink at a restaurant when I was about 6 months sober. I took one drink and knew there was alcohol in it as I could feel it burn the whole way down. It scared the crap out of me, and I had a "nice" conversation with the waiter. The important thing is that I didn't finish the drink and I didn't knowingly drink it.

I don't think your sobriety date is in jeopardy. Keep doing what you have been doing. Keep your head up. 18 months is awesome!

Mark75

I see that you resented, very much, that there was an alcoholic drink within reach and was easily mistaken and you took a swig thinking it was root beer... Probably all of us here would be p1ssed, alarmed, whatever... but...

Why does this change EVERYTHING ?

This isn't about that simple, innocent (but preventable ) mistake, is it?

Mark

TheEnd

I want to echo what eveyone else said, you did not jeopardize your sobriety because you didn't knowingly take the drink.

I am in a relationship with someone who drinks everyday, they have always done this. I too realized that this person seems to drink more than I realized ever since I decided to get sober, and we are currently still in a happy relationship together. You kind of just have to realize that people who aren't alcoholics in recovery don't understand the fight that we go through to get us to be sober, nor do they put it at the forefront of their mind. You kind of just have to realize that yeah you are in a relationship together, but when it comes to staying sober, this is a battle you will have to wage alone for the most part. Yeah they will be there supporing us "blah, blah, blah", yeah whaterver, but never like to the point where I think we will be satisfied. I wished my partner would have cut back his drinking when I started this journey, but he has not and I think it has made me a stronger person for it. I know the world will not cater to my sobriety, and I will have to do everything in my power to make it if I want to win this battle.

lildawg

Glitterfairy - I've gone almost the same thing. My husband drinks daily. One day, his beer (which comes in a longneck bottle) and my Topo Chico (which comes in a long neck bottle) were sitting side-by-side. I was multi-tasking, and I grabbed the beer a took a long pull on it. Talk about nasty! I had no desire to take another drink, but it scared the fire out of me. I did not restart my sobriety because it was an honest mistake.

My husband was pretty insensitive a few times in my early sobriety. Like your situation, it was pretty much stuff where he implied I was overreacting. We have both learned over the 2 years and 9 months I've been sober. He's less insensitive, and I try very hard not to take things so personally. I also freely avoid situations I know will bug me, which has nothing to do with this situation.

Right after I quit drinking, it seemed that my husband was *always* drinking. As I've gotten used to being sans alcohol, his intake doesn't seem so extreme. I've learned to pay more attention to his behavior than to police the number of drinks he consumes. He's never mean or obnoxious when he drinks, and that's what counts. Rarely can I even tell he's been drinking.

Like any other big life change, sobriety takes some growing into. As you have more sober time, your perception of things around you will change. My advice is to find a program of recovery to help you make this change and to read, read, read recovery materials.

(((big hugz)))

P.S. If you ever need to rant one-to-one about being sober and living with a drinker, you can always PM me.

glitterfairy

I usually do smell drinks, I'm usually very careful. That's why I was so upset and surprised, I didn't do that.
When I stated that it changes everything I was referring more to my decision to stay with my husband, not necessarily with my sobriety and determination to stay sober. Although in that split second so many thoughts rushed through my head. One being Ok, this is it I guess I'm drinking again....The fact that I thought that scared the hell out of me. I would rather be dead then in that miserable dark pit that I climbed out of 18 months ago.
I think that my husband thinks I’m weak. I know eventually I will be stronger and more equipped. I so badly want him to be part of my support system but realize that in the present it’s impossible. We were separated for 9 months after I hit rock bottom. When we got back together he seemed concerned and tried to make an effort to at least hide it from me.
Thanks for reading.

GettingStronger2

First, I totally understand why you were upset. I do not think it changes your sobriety, but I get why it upset you so much. Hug to you!

Second, as for the marriage/husgband. Well, I don't know what words of wisdom I can give you. But I can tell you that I understand. I have a similar situation in my home. My husband still drinks, and may be heading to drinking more than when I drank. He even has me buy his beer for him quite often (my counselor does NOT like that at all!). One day I told him I wished I could have a drink. His response was "No one is telling you you can't drink." Well, I am. I am telling myself I cannot drink. I know what will happen, I know where it will lead. So, no I can't and won't have a drink.

I am in a huge struggle with my marriage right now. So, while I don't have anything to offer in the way of help, I just wanted to offer my support and let you know you are not alone!

Mark75

My own experience with a spouse who still drinks... it is, of course, my own unique experience, but.... for what it's worth...

That she still had her one tall white wine spritzer every night while we (well, her... I usually went to another room ) watched Leno caused intense resentment... I could hardly go to sleep I was so pissed... I remember early on... how extremely difficult it was... "How could she do that to me... drink right in front of me... doesn't she know how hard this is?..."

I am pretty much over it now, thank God... We celebrated our 26th wedding anniv last month, and I celebrated 2 years last month. Hey, we still have rough patches here and there... all I can do is my part... which sometimes, to be honest, I fall short... but all in all, we do just fine.

What I have learned in two years, is that with this recovery thing... it's my job, not hers...

meditation

Pretty much it is impossible to police the house. My hubby has had 2 big surgeries since my clean date 2 years ago. I walked out of rehab into a house full of narcotics. I know he takes them the way he's supposed to take them and he needed them for the pain. I was glad I wasn't stealing his pills which would have given me a huge guilt trip ontop of all the remorse if I had relapsed.
I will be honest that there are times I resent that they are in the house. That he thinks I'm either so strong I can ignore it or that I'm just not an addict which sometimes he gets that mindset, despite the fact I lost my job and went to rehab I wonder how he can possible think I'm not an addict? It can be frustrating but I'm pretty strong.
I won't repeat that hell for anything even if it's under my nose. And I want to return to work as a nurse and eventually I'll be passing pills to patients. I figure if I can't handle it in my house then I don't need to be going back as a nurse dealing with it. And so far being around it hasn't run me off the program in fact I think it's helped me because I feel very strong in knowing I won't steal my patients pills. There is always a different way or notion to look at something, either the glass can be half full or half empty and maybe what you thought was bad was really a boon or could be a boon. I don't consider this a relapse for you at all. If anything you could come out stronger for this.

Joshua68

Once in a relationship a person told me "I would take a bullet for you" but they showed me that they would not stop drinking for me. What's the more noble thing to do die for someone or live for someone.

Isaiah

Wow.

A. I think we all seem in agreement that you didn't do a single thing wrong. There has been times when I was out with my girlfriend that I asked her to "test" collective beverages for me. Are you going to hire a private tester.

B. I think this all comes down to talking to your significant other about alcohol in the house. Alcoholism doesn't just impact us, it impacts our families too. We have a modicum of a right to expect them to quit, keep the house clean, etc.

Mark75

Quit what, drinking?

I have long given up the right to expect anything... expectations just lead to resentment.... been there, done that... as I mentioned above...

I am always amazed when a recovering alcoholic... active alcoholism being the very embodiment of self centeredness... I am always amazed when a recovered alcoholic is so quick to criticize the non-alcoholic spouse, the spouse who put up with our alcoholism... the lies, deceit.. the spouse who stood by us through this sickness that put them second to our pills and alcohol... we are so quick to criticize them when we quit drinking... like... "the least they could do is not drink alcohol anymore... at least in front of us!!"

Isaiah... I disagree.... we have no right whatsoever to expect them to do anything at all in regards to their own alcohol use... unless of course we like having resentments.... And when I read self righteous statements by RECOVERED ALCOHOLICS about what our spouses should or shouldn't do... well....

Now if they want to quit in response and support of us... great!!

lilac0721

Glitterfairy, you did not compromise your sober time. Like everyone else here, I think that you accidentally imbibed a tiny bit. The disturbing part seems to be that you perceive your husband as not caring.

If having alcohol in the house makes you uncomfortable, you should discuss it with your husband. I agree with Isaiah that we should expect support from our spouses, though maybe we shouldn't expect them to quit altogether. When I first started struggling with getting sober over 2 years ago (I have put together a few months at a time, but the past 7 months have been very unsober for me), my husband kept drinking but at bars not at home. I would get jealous. He finally decided to quit to support me. Now he will have a beer once in a while (he is doing much better than I am), but it doesn't bother me at all, because I know that if it did I could tell him and he would not drink at all.

Stang

A lot of these people are also the ones who bitched, nagged, threatened to leave, and married an alcoholic knowing he was a drunk. If you whine about his drinking then don't drink in front of him when he is trying to quit.

glitterfairy

I actually had my first recovery group leader tell me to tell my husband "Get sober or get out". He then retracted his words and told me to be a rock for him and show him how happy I could be sober, I guess the thinking would be he'd want to be happy and join me in sobriety.
I know I cannot expect my husband who put up with my many years of spiraling to stop just because I did. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that he hide it from me while home. I guess I need to have a talk with him because he either wants me to join him and be his drinking buddy again, or he doesn't realize that I'm still baby stepping this program and am vulnerable. I'm sucking it up and moving on from this. I still have much work to do on taking responsibility for my actions.
Thanks