I give up....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 44
I give up....
this is at least my 10th "DAY ONE" post on here. 
so I give up. I understand that whatever little amount of hope I had in my head that someday I might be normal or that my drinking is a temporary problem is gone. I give up. I must stop and I know it.
so instead of fighting it, I'm just going with the flow now. I'm done. This time, for good.
so I give up. I understand that whatever little amount of hope I had in my head that someday I might be normal or that my drinking is a temporary problem is gone. I give up. I must stop and I know it.
so instead of fighting it, I'm just going with the flow now. I'm done. This time, for good.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
good luck to ya Tex. I "gave up" over and over myself. Giving up, quitting, then getting loaded again produced a LOT of self hatred which just multiplied the pain.
It's a bi*** yanno?.... I know, I've been there. I figure I got lucky, it only took me about a year and a half of giving up and a 3rd dui with no injuries to finally surrender. I'll keep you in my prayers bud.
It's a bi*** yanno?.... I know, I've been there. I figure I got lucky, it only took me about a year and a half of giving up and a 3rd dui with no injuries to finally surrender. I'll keep you in my prayers bud.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Imo BigTex, as long as you never give up there is hope! Why give up and accept a life of misery. You have to exhaust every solution possible. If you've done that, then get up tomorrow, and look for another one. We've all felt like you do at some point. Keep fighting Tex, maybe today is the day! I'll keep you in my prayers.
Best Wishes To You
Best Wishes To You
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 711
You were not made to live like this. I know you might not believe it, but somewhere deep inside you the fight still exists. I'm a fellow Texan and last I heard we don't give up!! I have faith that if you keep trying you'll pull through there. I believe it because at least you are venting and still visiting here, talking to us. 
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Tex,
I read that post to mean you give up on being normal and have accepted you are powerless over alcohol, but it could be read the other way too. Just like we all had to do before we could even get started on real sobriety which means never forgetting we were, are, and always will be an alcoholic, or a recovering alcoholic. Without the pain of the alcohol induced behaviors, the hangovers and guilt, and physical deterioration that the dis-ease always causes in the end.
I will have 30 days tomorrow and never felt better in the last ten years! I didn't do it by myself, I did do a hospital detox, but only after I decided I was an alcoholic, and could not stop by myself. I also quit smoking when I went into the hospital for detox and still haven't smoked either, but I am cheating on that, as I have the patch feeding me the nicotine, but in a few weeks I'll wean myself off those as well.
I read a lot on these forums about guilt and embarrrassment, and mostly about being normal. I don't know what normal is, or by what yardstick that is measured by, but I do know it isn't the ability to drink one and stop, nor is it the ability to quit drinking for good.
Let me give you my opinion of what is "normal" for an alcoholic. It is repeating the same behaviors over and over, and not being able to stop. It's like pregnancy. Ever hear about someone who is only a little bit pregnant? We do know what causes pregnancy, how it progresses, and what happens at the end. Just like alcoholism.
So if you want to be normal for an alcoholic, you'll keep drinking. Me I am an abnormal alcoholic, I am sober, I will be a recovering alcoholic and smoker for the rest of my life.
If you are doing this by yourself, and haven't tried a face to face AA meeting, or talked to your doc about it, please give some outside resources a try. I did it with medical help and a great family who I already told I had a drinking problem, and was going into detox and a follow on program. I also have great friends of decades who by and large do not drink and smoke. They call me weekly to see how I'm doing with it and are almost as happy to have me back as I am to be back.
Yesterday I went to my first AA meeting in person, and several folks there said some things that made sense to me, but one woman said the reason I come here is only here can I be the real me, the alcoholic, and even though she had been sober for 12 years still makes time to attend that group. They knew I was close to thirty days from my introduction, but gave me an intention or 24 hour coin at the end of the meeting. Don't ask me as I am new to that whole thing. But I think I'll attend every Sunday at 4 even though it is held at a church and I am not a church person. Maybe I can help another, or will need some help of my own in the future. Kind of more social for me now but you never know. Like belonging to a fraternal lodge of some sort, a way to meet others who have traveled the road I have, and are a lot like me in their other successes in life.
No I am not going to shout it from the rooftops or start preaching to others. But I am not ashamed of this major accomplishment in my life, one of many. MY recovery is for my closest friends and family to know, and I don't introduce myself as an alcoholic recovering or otherwise, to strangers and aquaintances. I simply say when asked by a drinker what I'll have I tell him thanks I am thirsty, I'll have a scotch and water with a twist of lime, and hold the scotch. If asked why my answer would be along the lines of I used to drink but found it wasn't healthy for me, but you feel free. It is no more a big deal than saying I don't smoke. If someone pursues it and asks if I was an alcoholic I will tell them that yes I was a common everyday alcoholic, but that is over, now I am a recovering alcoholic. Why do you ask?
Sorry about the long post, just wanted you to clarify whether you meant one thing or the other, and to wish you the help from whatever source you need, to get to the place you want to be. Then it is not luck, just change.
I read that post to mean you give up on being normal and have accepted you are powerless over alcohol, but it could be read the other way too. Just like we all had to do before we could even get started on real sobriety which means never forgetting we were, are, and always will be an alcoholic, or a recovering alcoholic. Without the pain of the alcohol induced behaviors, the hangovers and guilt, and physical deterioration that the dis-ease always causes in the end.
I will have 30 days tomorrow and never felt better in the last ten years! I didn't do it by myself, I did do a hospital detox, but only after I decided I was an alcoholic, and could not stop by myself. I also quit smoking when I went into the hospital for detox and still haven't smoked either, but I am cheating on that, as I have the patch feeding me the nicotine, but in a few weeks I'll wean myself off those as well.
I read a lot on these forums about guilt and embarrrassment, and mostly about being normal. I don't know what normal is, or by what yardstick that is measured by, but I do know it isn't the ability to drink one and stop, nor is it the ability to quit drinking for good.
Let me give you my opinion of what is "normal" for an alcoholic. It is repeating the same behaviors over and over, and not being able to stop. It's like pregnancy. Ever hear about someone who is only a little bit pregnant? We do know what causes pregnancy, how it progresses, and what happens at the end. Just like alcoholism.
So if you want to be normal for an alcoholic, you'll keep drinking. Me I am an abnormal alcoholic, I am sober, I will be a recovering alcoholic and smoker for the rest of my life.
If you are doing this by yourself, and haven't tried a face to face AA meeting, or talked to your doc about it, please give some outside resources a try. I did it with medical help and a great family who I already told I had a drinking problem, and was going into detox and a follow on program. I also have great friends of decades who by and large do not drink and smoke. They call me weekly to see how I'm doing with it and are almost as happy to have me back as I am to be back.
Yesterday I went to my first AA meeting in person, and several folks there said some things that made sense to me, but one woman said the reason I come here is only here can I be the real me, the alcoholic, and even though she had been sober for 12 years still makes time to attend that group. They knew I was close to thirty days from my introduction, but gave me an intention or 24 hour coin at the end of the meeting. Don't ask me as I am new to that whole thing. But I think I'll attend every Sunday at 4 even though it is held at a church and I am not a church person. Maybe I can help another, or will need some help of my own in the future. Kind of more social for me now but you never know. Like belonging to a fraternal lodge of some sort, a way to meet others who have traveled the road I have, and are a lot like me in their other successes in life.
No I am not going to shout it from the rooftops or start preaching to others. But I am not ashamed of this major accomplishment in my life, one of many. MY recovery is for my closest friends and family to know, and I don't introduce myself as an alcoholic recovering or otherwise, to strangers and aquaintances. I simply say when asked by a drinker what I'll have I tell him thanks I am thirsty, I'll have a scotch and water with a twist of lime, and hold the scotch. If asked why my answer would be along the lines of I used to drink but found it wasn't healthy for me, but you feel free. It is no more a big deal than saying I don't smoke. If someone pursues it and asks if I was an alcoholic I will tell them that yes I was a common everyday alcoholic, but that is over, now I am a recovering alcoholic. Why do you ask?
Sorry about the long post, just wanted you to clarify whether you meant one thing or the other, and to wish you the help from whatever source you need, to get to the place you want to be. Then it is not luck, just change.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
I had so many Day Ones I can't count them all, but I've got over ten months sober now so it IS possible to stay sober, even for an old relapser like me.
Why not try something different/new this time around? Give AA a good try, go to several meetings until you find one that 'clicks' with you. What about counseling? I have a wonderful addiction counselor and give a lot of credit for my success to her.
Never give up on yourself! Never!!
Why not try something different/new this time around? Give AA a good try, go to several meetings until you find one that 'clicks' with you. What about counseling? I have a wonderful addiction counselor and give a lot of credit for my success to her.
Never give up on yourself! Never!!
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Hi BigTex3!
Well well well...you've surrendered huh? Guess what? You're well on your way my friend.
You can look at this as the end OR..the beginning of being and staying sober.
I had to give up, give in, and let AA show me what I didn't and couldn't do on my own - get sober.
Was it worth it? You betcha ya!
...and it can work for you too. Why not give it a go?
Well well well...you've surrendered huh? Guess what? You're well on your way my friend.
You can look at this as the end OR..the beginning of being and staying sober.
I had to give up, give in, and let AA show me what I didn't and couldn't do on my own - get sober.
Was it worth it? You betcha ya!
...and it can work for you too. Why not give it a go?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 44
thanks guys.
yes - "GIVE UP" means I am in a good spot. I can't manage it, despite 1000 tries. So I give up and give in. I'm tired of dwelling on it - tired of beating myself up over it - tired of looking at my kids through blurry eyes. everyone around me deserves better of me, myself included.
It's almost 1pm, and normally by this time I have already formulated a good excuse to drink tonight. Tonight, I won't be doing that.
Get this though...i have 5 after-hours social-work functions this week!!!! Guess what everyone will be doing there? I really don't care, although my timing could have been better! HA! One of those events is for my company, so not only is everyone drinking, but I'm BUYING all the drinks. Oh, sigh.....................
thanks for all the words. I'm going to make it. I just totally give up trying to do anything but QUIT.
yes - "GIVE UP" means I am in a good spot. I can't manage it, despite 1000 tries. So I give up and give in. I'm tired of dwelling on it - tired of beating myself up over it - tired of looking at my kids through blurry eyes. everyone around me deserves better of me, myself included.
It's almost 1pm, and normally by this time I have already formulated a good excuse to drink tonight. Tonight, I won't be doing that.
Get this though...i have 5 after-hours social-work functions this week!!!! Guess what everyone will be doing there? I really don't care, although my timing could have been better! HA! One of those events is for my company, so not only is everyone drinking, but I'm BUYING all the drinks. Oh, sigh.....................
thanks for all the words. I'm going to make it. I just totally give up trying to do anything but QUIT.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
My despair quickly turned to relief once I realized I couldn't every drink again. No more pressure! No more anxiety! No more obsessing!
On Eminem's new single there is a line "Caution to the wind, complete freedom". Oh it makes me smile every time b/c it's how I feel.
Keep posting!
On Eminem's new single there is a line "Caution to the wind, complete freedom". Oh it makes me smile every time b/c it's how I feel.
Keep posting!
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by BigTex3 
so I give up. I understand that whatever little amount of hope I had in my head that someday I might be normal or that my drinking is a temporary problem is gone. I give up. I must stop and I know it.
You are right when you surrendered the ideas that you might be normal and that your problem might be temporary. Now you just need to continue on the path that you are already on and surrender the following;
- that your life is manageable (without help)
- that you can get by without a higher-power
- that you can get by without some self-appraisal
- that you can get by without some full-disclosure
Keep on trudging on the struggle/surrender track and life will straighten itself out.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 44
i won't let this thread die.
I went to the first of my social functions last night and about halfway through it one of my clients walks up and hands me a Jack/Water. I failed miserably.
I woke up early this morning feeling pretty good and am ready to take this on again. I've canceled several of my social functions this week, but I do have one tonight.
all i know is that by the end of this week, I will be on the road to recovery. I simply MUST.
fire away at me....
I went to the first of my social functions last night and about halfway through it one of my clients walks up and hands me a Jack/Water. I failed miserably.
I woke up early this morning feeling pretty good and am ready to take this on again. I've canceled several of my social functions this week, but I do have one tonight.
all i know is that by the end of this week, I will be on the road to recovery. I simply MUST.
fire away at me....
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
not gonna fire at you - I've been there. I've just got a question.
What was it you said to yourself the moment you accepted the drink that made it OK to drink it? Maybe next time you could have a more organized approach when this happens again? Maybe a canned response to someone who is trying to hand you a drink would work? I used the excuse that I was on medication which wouldn't work well with alcohol. Social functions are so hard in early recovery and I am glad that you have limited them this week. That is taking care of yourself and it's not easy to do.
I know I had a committee of people in my head telling me it was OK to drink with a whole flurry of rational-sounding reasons as to why "just one" drink would be OK "this time". I had to fire that committee because it was self-sabotaging every time.
What was it you said to yourself the moment you accepted the drink that made it OK to drink it? Maybe next time you could have a more organized approach when this happens again? Maybe a canned response to someone who is trying to hand you a drink would work? I used the excuse that I was on medication which wouldn't work well with alcohol. Social functions are so hard in early recovery and I am glad that you have limited them this week. That is taking care of yourself and it's not easy to do.
I know I had a committee of people in my head telling me it was OK to drink with a whole flurry of rational-sounding reasons as to why "just one" drink would be OK "this time". I had to fire that committee because it was self-sabotaging every time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 44
that's a good idea, and I appreciate it.
one more function to go, and then i'll have WAY less distractions. am thinking about taking the family away to the lakehouse for this weekend just to get me away from my normal routine.
do a little fishing and playing w/ my kids. hopefully at this point next week I'm on day 7. that sounds like heaven.
one more function to go, and then i'll have WAY less distractions. am thinking about taking the family away to the lakehouse for this weekend just to get me away from my normal routine.
do a little fishing and playing w/ my kids. hopefully at this point next week I'm on day 7. that sounds like heaven.
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