Here I am....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Alabama
Posts: 239
Here I am....
Where to start,
I started drinking regularly after college. It really picked up when I broke up with my first real girlfriend. I only drink at night, from 5PM until 11 PM. It use to be 7 beers a night (I would stop there because I knew I would not have a hangover in the morning). Other than a two year period of sobriety about 10 years ago, I have drank almost everyday for 20 years.
In the last 6 months, I have been drinking 10 to 12 beers a night. I'm a calm drunk, really would not even know I was drinking. It relaxes me, I guess it sedates me. Money is tight, kids are hectic, my father wants to bury the hatchet (he walked out on us when I was 12). I'm a loner who enjoys numbing my brain.
I have hardly missed a day of worked in 23 years. I guess you can call me a high functioning alcoholic. When I have stopped recently, after 3 or 4 days, I get mean and parinoid.
I have not stopped yet, but I will try in a few days. This is all I can think of right now, wish me luck.
Toss
I started drinking regularly after college. It really picked up when I broke up with my first real girlfriend. I only drink at night, from 5PM until 11 PM. It use to be 7 beers a night (I would stop there because I knew I would not have a hangover in the morning). Other than a two year period of sobriety about 10 years ago, I have drank almost everyday for 20 years.
In the last 6 months, I have been drinking 10 to 12 beers a night. I'm a calm drunk, really would not even know I was drinking. It relaxes me, I guess it sedates me. Money is tight, kids are hectic, my father wants to bury the hatchet (he walked out on us when I was 12). I'm a loner who enjoys numbing my brain.
I have hardly missed a day of worked in 23 years. I guess you can call me a high functioning alcoholic. When I have stopped recently, after 3 or 4 days, I get mean and parinoid.
I have not stopped yet, but I will try in a few days. This is all I can think of right now, wish me luck.
Toss
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Hi Toss, welcome to SR, I used to drink to sedate myself as well, got to the point it sedated me so well I never remembered a thing afterwards. I think lots of people go through mood changes and paranoia when they stop drinking I know I did but it passed within a week or 2 and it was worth it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Alabama
Posts: 239
Originally Posted by rws177 
Good luck Toss and welcome to the forums.
Originally Posted by jamdls
Hi Toss, welcome to SR, I used to drink to sedate myself as well, got to the point it sedated me so well I never remembered a thing afterwards. I think lots of people go through mood changes and paranoia when they stop drinking I know I did but it passed within a week or 2 and it was worth it.
What's funny is I am about as laid back as can be. This is going to be hard, I have never had a problem stopping, just justifying why to start again.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to our recovery community......
It's always wise to check with your doctor about how best
to de tox. Even if it was no big deal when you quit
before....this time it could be a lot worse.
De toxing is a medical issue...impossible to know how
difficult it will be.
At least.....please read this link....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
All my best to you and your family
It's always wise to check with your doctor about how best
to de tox. Even if it was no big deal when you quit
before....this time it could be a lot worse.
De toxing is a medical issue...impossible to know how
difficult it will be.
At least.....please read this link....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
All my best to you and your family
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
I (finally) got sober for good ten months ago. After the ups and downs of the first couple months my life has gotten steadily better each day. I love living sober. No more sickness and self hatred, no more risk of injury or death or jail. And I am happier than I've been in a long while.
I hope you can stop drinking before something bad happens. Welcome to SR!
I hope you can stop drinking before something bad happens. Welcome to SR!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
Welcome Toss, My story is very similar to yours in that we used for the sedation.
You wouldn't be here if you didn't realize like I do for myself that you need to quit for the sake of your health as you go into middle age.
You'll find as I have that the Psychological dependance you most likely have after so many years will be the hardest to break.
Good luck with your decision to make a start for yourself to quit. With a little determination and hard work maybe we both can say good bye to Alcohol for good.
You wouldn't be here if you didn't realize like I do for myself that you need to quit for the sake of your health as you go into middle age.
You'll find as I have that the Psychological dependance you most likely have after so many years will be the hardest to break.
Good luck with your decision to make a start for yourself to quit. With a little determination and hard work maybe we both can say good bye to Alcohol for good.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome! I can relate to a lot of what you said. I was really careful not to "appear" drunk to anyone and thought I was functioning pretty well. Of course, I wasn't exactly upfront about the times I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning, the amount that I drank (or where I hid it), how I obsessed about where/when/how I could get my next drink, etc. etc......
I didn't even know if I wanted to quit for good when I came here, but now that I've had time (about 6 months) to give sobriety a real chance, I can see that my "functioning" doesn't really compare to the real inner "smile" I have today. I felt a new peace after about a week that I hadn't felt in a long time.
Hang out with us and give sobriety a chance for yourself, too. If we can do it, so can you! :ghug3
I didn't even know if I wanted to quit for good when I came here, but now that I've had time (about 6 months) to give sobriety a real chance, I can see that my "functioning" doesn't really compare to the real inner "smile" I have today. I felt a new peace after about a week that I hadn't felt in a long time.
Hang out with us and give sobriety a chance for yourself, too. If we can do it, so can you! :ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Alabama
Posts: 239
I thank you all for your reponses and giving me something to relate to, knowing that I am not alone. I am going to go to my MD next week and discuss this with him. It will be the first time ever revealing to anyone but my wife that I have a problem. But it embolds me in a way that I can ask for help.
I have stopped before, and during those times I have more energy, better sleep, but I always want to go back to being numb. Alot of people are in denial, but what's ironic is I know exactly what I am doing and why (maybe not deeply, but surface wise).
I'm in my mid 40's and have only driven drunk twice in my life. If I could manage my life like I do my drinking schedule (need more beer today, drink after 5PM, pickup daughter at 6PM after gymnastics, so start drinking at 7PM, etc...)
My 13th wedding anniversary is 11/1, and my wife is lovingly asking me to stop for me. There is no drama, no abuse, no recklessness, my kids don't know I'm drinking, so I tell myself "who am I hurting", it's how I get by. But I know this is all BS, I know I am going to miss my drinking, it always seduces me back. I think I have a self-hate problem. I will give anyone else a pass all day, but I make a small error and I am worthless.
I still haven't decided on a date to stop (will be before 11/1). I did drink less last night.
Thanks for listening, it really helps to put this in print and review, it makes it even more real.
Toss
I have stopped before, and during those times I have more energy, better sleep, but I always want to go back to being numb. Alot of people are in denial, but what's ironic is I know exactly what I am doing and why (maybe not deeply, but surface wise).
I'm in my mid 40's and have only driven drunk twice in my life. If I could manage my life like I do my drinking schedule (need more beer today, drink after 5PM, pickup daughter at 6PM after gymnastics, so start drinking at 7PM, etc...)
My 13th wedding anniversary is 11/1, and my wife is lovingly asking me to stop for me. There is no drama, no abuse, no recklessness, my kids don't know I'm drinking, so I tell myself "who am I hurting", it's how I get by. But I know this is all BS, I know I am going to miss my drinking, it always seduces me back. I think I have a self-hate problem. I will give anyone else a pass all day, but I make a small error and I am worthless.
I still haven't decided on a date to stop (will be before 11/1). I did drink less last night.
Thanks for listening, it really helps to put this in print and review, it makes it even more real.
Toss
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Hey Toss, sounds likes you are a little ambivalent about quitting. "...yeah I'm drinking a lot but there isn't really a problem, family life is good, blah, blah, blah, plus quitting is hard so do I really want to do it..." Recovery from alcohol, solid recovery, depends on you wanting to quit, not your wife asking you to. Oh you may stop for a little while, but if you have doubts about your problem now, wait till you are without alcohol for week or two and your booze brain is trying to trick you back to drinking.
Two other points: One, the sheer volume of your drinking should concern you from a physiological standpoint. Your body can stand only so much of the pounding you are giving it before medical problems occurr. Two, you say everything is cool on the homefront. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt on that. But pop over to the forum for Family and Friends of Alcoholics and read some of those posts and ask yourself, "Do I want to wait until things get this bad before I decide that there might be a problem?"
Good luck.
Two other points: One, the sheer volume of your drinking should concern you from a physiological standpoint. Your body can stand only so much of the pounding you are giving it before medical problems occurr. Two, you say everything is cool on the homefront. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt on that. But pop over to the forum for Family and Friends of Alcoholics and read some of those posts and ask yourself, "Do I want to wait until things get this bad before I decide that there might be a problem?"
Good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Alabama
Posts: 239
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
Hey Toss, sounds likes you are a little ambivalent about quitting. "...yeah I'm drinking a lot but there isn't really a problem, family life is good, blah, blah, blah, plus quitting is hard so do I really want to do it..." Recovery from alcohol, solid recovery, depends on you wanting to quit, not your wife asking you to. Oh you may stop for a little while, but if you have doubts about your problem now, wait till you are without alcohol for week or two and your booze brain is trying to trick you back to drinking.
Two other points: One, the sheer volume of your drinking should concern you from a physiological standpoint. Your body can stand only so much of the pounding you are giving it before medical problems occurr. Two, you say everything is cool on the homefront. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt on that. But pop over to the forum for Family and Friends of Alcoholics and read some of those posts and ask yourself, "Do I want to wait until things get this bad before I decide that there might be a problem?"
Good luck.
Two other points: One, the sheer volume of your drinking should concern you from a physiological standpoint. Your body can stand only so much of the pounding you are giving it before medical problems occurr. Two, you say everything is cool on the homefront. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt on that. But pop over to the forum for Family and Friends of Alcoholics and read some of those posts and ask yourself, "Do I want to wait until things get this bad before I decide that there might be a problem?"
Good luck.
Toss
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
Hi toss. I kind of drank like that. A LOT of alcohol but mostly spread out (not always though. I had occasional, ugly intense binges). And mostly while drinking felt functional.
Two things that tipped me over.
1 - I started an exercise regimen and found that I was incapable of completing it after I had been drinking a lot the night before. It sort of highlighted the physical impact. Sure it's easy to be functional when I'm driving my kids around all day. Not so much if I'm trying to run.
2 - I was listening to the radio and some psych was saying that people are kidding themselves by thinking that heavy drinking doesn't impact their children. She was right, of course as much as it pissed me off and made me change the channel every single time they played the clip (it was an ad for a show).
Really. You (and me and everyone else) is exhibiting one of the more defining aspect of alcoholism by telling yourself and those around you that drinking 12 beers a night isn't impacting your family. Your kids, your wife, your finances, your mood, your attention span, your attention, your energy levels, your lifespan.
Life ISN'T moving on without a hitch. Your children have an alcoholic father. Your wife is married to an alcoholic.
Please stick around here and if you do nothing but read, it's progress. I read for years (often while drinking) before I was done.
Looking forward to hearing more about you and your journey
Two things that tipped me over.
1 - I started an exercise regimen and found that I was incapable of completing it after I had been drinking a lot the night before. It sort of highlighted the physical impact. Sure it's easy to be functional when I'm driving my kids around all day. Not so much if I'm trying to run.
2 - I was listening to the radio and some psych was saying that people are kidding themselves by thinking that heavy drinking doesn't impact their children. She was right, of course as much as it pissed me off and made me change the channel every single time they played the clip (it was an ad for a show).
Really. You (and me and everyone else) is exhibiting one of the more defining aspect of alcoholism by telling yourself and those around you that drinking 12 beers a night isn't impacting your family. Your kids, your wife, your finances, your mood, your attention span, your attention, your energy levels, your lifespan.
Life ISN'T moving on without a hitch. Your children have an alcoholic father. Your wife is married to an alcoholic.
Please stick around here and if you do nothing but read, it's progress. I read for years (often while drinking) before I was done.
Looking forward to hearing more about you and your journey
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 73
Hi Toss. Your story sounds very similar to mine. In my mid 40's I knew I was an alcoholic, knew eventually I'd have to pay the piper, but at that point I was still rationalizing. Well, I wasted 10 more years of boozing before I'd finally had enough. It's a progressive disease, and you've got it.
I wish there was a secret I could give you that would help get you to the "enough is enough" place. But you have to get there on your own. I hope it happens soon and you don't waste more years living less than a full and happy life.
Best of luck and keep reading and posting on SR, it really helps.
I wish there was a secret I could give you that would help get you to the "enough is enough" place. But you have to get there on your own. I hope it happens soon and you don't waste more years living less than a full and happy life.
Best of luck and keep reading and posting on SR, it really helps.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Alabama
Posts: 239
SS / Emmy,
Thank you for your comments. I do want to quit, but I don't (physically and emotionally). I have decided I will stop, talking with my wife and here, I am preparing. I know it won't be easy, it will be a hard transition.
I have some emotional situations to attend to, particularly my Dad. He wants to see me and the family more and he is in poor health. He has started opening the door to why he left when I was a kid and I do not think I am ready to enter that black hole of emotions. What a dark, dark time.
Toss
Thank you for your comments. I do want to quit, but I don't (physically and emotionally). I have decided I will stop, talking with my wife and here, I am preparing. I know it won't be easy, it will be a hard transition.
I have some emotional situations to attend to, particularly my Dad. He wants to see me and the family more and he is in poor health. He has started opening the door to why he left when I was a kid and I do not think I am ready to enter that black hole of emotions. What a dark, dark time.
Toss
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Toss...
Many people work through childhood issues with the assistance
of a professional counselor.
That might be useful for you too.
Glad you are decideing to be a non drinker...
it's really a win win life.....
Blessings to you and your family
Many people work through childhood issues with the assistance
of a professional counselor.
That might be useful for you too.
Glad you are decideing to be a non drinker...
it's really a win win life.....
Blessings to you and your family
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Alabama
Posts: 239
Originally Posted by CarolD
Toss...
Many people work through childhood issues with the assistance
of a professional counselor.
That might be useful for you too.
Glad you are decideing to be a non drinker...
it's really a win win life.....
Blessings to you and your family
Many people work through childhood issues with the assistance
of a professional counselor.
That might be useful for you too.
Glad you are decideing to be a non drinker...
it's really a win win life.....
Blessings to you and your family
Toss
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