MeAndOnlyMe

Crazy, eh?

I've been doing a bit of talk therapy with a professional for a while now and after a good deal of time trying to identify behaviors and triggers and causes, he suspects it may have been initially set in motion about 15 years ago when I first started having episodes of sleep paralysis. I didn't know what it was back then and dealt with it by trying to stay awake for two or three days until I couldn't any longer or drinking heavily until it was more than easy to fall asleep with no reservations.

I finally learned about sleep paralysis but it didn't make it any less scary so alcohol abuse may have been my way of dealing with it and then became a fixture in my life. I've been thinking for the longest time, perhaps wrongly, that my steady drinking has been due to the stress in my life having a child with a medical condition. Maybe it is or maybe it's not. I mean, aside from my sleep issues and my incredible, wonderful child who was dealt a bad hand, my life is mostly good so why screw it up any more and keep drinking for the wrong reasons and tempt fate and face all sorts of inevitable, future problems.

I do know that like many people going through withdrawals, the first week without alcohol is not at all pleasant. All of the usual anxiety, restlessness, sleeplessness and itchiness many people experience with the added bonus of the sleep paralysis. But once that passed, I only had to worry about one condition I understood and wouldn't kill me in the long run. I've proven to myself that I do not NEED alcohol to survive or use as a tool in order to poorly approximate natural sleep. I need to continue working on other stuff in my life and at the same time ensure I don't embrace old patterns and start the cycle all over again.

Last night I ran up and down a soccer field with my kids for an hour. No aching body or drowning in sweat or my heart trying to pound through my chest. I ran and ran and I played with them and I loved it - I was happy and didn't need a few drinks to get to that place and didn't worry about how I was going to fall asleep or having to get up every couple of hours as part of the nightly routine.

Thanks to everyone who has been kind, compassionate or just willing to comment the year or so I've been kicking around the SR site.

least

My sleep is so much better now that I'm not just 'horizontally unconscious' at night. And waking up feeling good is just

abnheel

I too had that problem for a long time before I got married. I don't know where it came from or how it disappeared. But, I suspect it was a form of anxiety that either was transitional or I overcame it somehow.

It is terrifying and I don't wish it on anyone. I'm sorry you feel this way. While I don't sleep well and wake rested, I've found that listening to my small radio with earplugs helps lull me to sleep with either talk radio or classical.

CarolD

This may be too basic for you...as I know nothing about
sleep paralysis.......sharing with the hope you find it useful...

Insomnia? 42 Simple Tips to Help You Get to Sleep - Insomnia treatment, cures

Glad to know you are making progress

parasol

I, too, used to have a fear of falling asleep. In my case, it was from equating sleep with death at some level. And since I had a major fear of death, I was also unwilling to go to sleep. The fear of death is still there to some extent, although not NEARLY as bad as when I was drinking. I no longer fear sleep. I can't say I love to go to sleep, but I don't fight it the way I used to.

I also used to get sleep paralysis, but that, like many other problems, has gone away since I quit drinking.

abnheel

Going to sleep isn't all that hard. It's the getting rest that I struggle with.

AmericanGirl

Thanks for sharing this, MeAndOnlyMe . . . and glad to hear you are doing well and learning how to manage. I've only ever had that happen to me twice (sleep paralysis), but I'd say on the list of most terrifying things that have ever happened to me, it's up there in the top few for sure. So wow. I can imagine how triggering that could be. Good for you for facing it sober and bravely! Amazing!

MeAndOnlyMe

Strangely, I equate the beginning of my serious drinking with the first sleep paralysis episode...I recall to this day, unable to move, the sound of a jet engine in my head, my body feeling like it was vibrating like mad and thinking, "my god, this is what dying feels like." And to think that many of the descriptions I've read online are horribly worse than my own!

MeAndOnlyMe

Yeah, I can relate. Once I'm asleep I'm fine...until that every-three-hour alarm goes off. No rest for the wicked maybe.

MeAndOnlyMe

Agreed wholeheartedly, least. My sleep patterns are still pretty messed up but if I wake up at 3 or 4 or 5 in the morning, I close my eyes again or I accept it and start my day and feel good about what I avoided the night before.

I'm trying.

MeAndOnlyMe

Thanks, Carol. The trick I most often use in the URL you provided is Insomnia Tips In many areas of my life, seeking a change in pattern or simple diversion has been helpful to make it through major and minor situations.