dybehfar

Well...it has been a while since I last posted. I felt the need to come here for help battling my addiction to alcohol and to get some support.

I have just returned from a week long visit to Europe where I drank very heavily for 4 days and then began to taper off before returning home. I decided on the evening of the 5th that I was done with this.

I have had very little sleep, horrible diarrhea, and general confusion or cloudiness. I am still able to work through most of it. I have the shakes on occasion and I have hot and cold spells with sweating. Sleep or lack thereof is killing me. Ever since I was a child, if I couldn't sleep I would begin to panic. As you can imagine, I am freaking out a bit.

So this is day two for me once again. I am not an AA guy. I did attend AA for awhile after college but just could not stand going to the meetings though I grasped several of the topics and have read the book. I would say the past three years I have been drinking heavy regularly (read daily). I don't drink in the mornings, but if I could figure out a way to drink after noon, I would do it. I stick almost exclusively to beer.

I have not been honest with my wife yet although I think she has noticed that I am not drinking. I just can't figure out a way to tell her. Maybe I am afraid that if I admit it to her, then its all over for sure. I am thinking that is what it is. The finality of my drinking has not sunk in or I am not being honest with myself. I understand this fundamental tenant of AA.

Right now I am simply trying to make it hour by hour to get through the physical aspects of quitting drinking. I will have to handle the mental and emotional aspects soon. I am praying a lot to my higher power.

I will share with you some of the more embarrassingly horrific things that occurred over the years as I come to terms with them...you know the things that make you shudder with shame and embarrassment when you recall them. They actually make me flush and sweat when I recall them.

Anyways. Thanks for reading and most of all thank you for SR.

least

Welcome back. I hope this can be your last time having to go thru this hell. Sobriety is really worth the effort. I never thought I could feel so good but I do. I hope you can start a new and better sober life. It IS possible.

LexieCat

I suggest you head to a meeting as soon as you feel up to it. If you're anything like me, walking into a meeting and admitting you're an alcoholic will come as a relief. The hope you will take away from it will make it a lot easier to talk to your wife and to get moving in your new life.

Know what? You NEVER have to go through this again. It can be the last time.

Drop the rope, give up the fight. It just isn't worth it anymore. This is the ONLY fight you can win simply by surrendering.

CarolD

Welcome back.....

It's always a good idea to have an honest talk with your doctor
when you are heading into your de toxing.
You might need medical assistance this time.

No need to post your horrific embarrassing drunken experiences
Most of us have had our own......

Why not begin a paper and pen journal instead?
I did that for about 5 years helped me immensley.
I could look back easily to see what progress I made.

My first AA home group still meets in Georgetown
7 mornings a week......if you go back to AA
check out "Attitude and Actions"

Blessings to you and your wife

dybehfar

Thank you all.

Its now day three and I finally slept last night. I feel much better but still on the mend. The worst part for me right now is still the hot / cold sweats. I work face to face with a lot of people and this is embarassing and potentially a hinderence to my job. I am taking today off (working from home) and have a busy weekend of yardwork planned. I am hoping the worst is over soon.

I like the idea of going to AA and admitting that I am an alcoholic. That is something I have not done publicly except for here and it is a safe non judgemental setting. I will go back and look over the book as you suggested Carol.

Thanks. I really appreciate the help and support.

dybehfar

This is kind of strange. I feel physically fine, no pain shakes or even sweats right now. But I feel physically exhausted. I also lack motivation. Have others experienced this? I basically sit here looking at the SR website and others looking for help and wisdom.

I also have a concern. My wife and I have been invited to a barbeque tomorrow where there will of course be drinking. I told my wife that I will play it be ear whether or not I will go. This would be a huge test, and one that I am not sure that I should attempt.

LexieCat

I think I'd pass on the BBQ if I were you. Why "test" your sobriety after only a few days?

Actually, why not let your wife go on her own while you go to a meeting? I found that being at a meeting during times I would otherwise be drinking really reinforced my commitment to staying sober.

AmericanGirl

hi dybehfar-- Glad you're back here. I'd say "no thanks" to the BBQ if I were you, to keep yourself out of a emotionally trying situation. Make up a white lie if you need to be polite about offering an excuse. (For the hosts or your wife or both.) One of the most difficult things I had to do in my first few months was avoid all drinking situations, and even now I try to only go to an event where there may be drinking if I have my own source of transportation and a clear escape plan/excuse on hand to get out of there fast.

I know you can't know for sure, but if you think your wife will be supportive of you I hope you tell her soon. I see what you mean about how telling someone would make it true in some ways, but it sounds like you're ready for that.

And last I'd add that I hope if you attend AA again it is a rewarding experience, but also, since you have expressed reservations, please remember that SR will be here for you whether or not AA works out. SR has been my primary help in recovery.

CarolD

You really need time to heal ...try to treat yourself gently.
What would you be doing if you were just getting over a
bout with the flu?

Drink a lot of water....juices and Gatorade are also useful
Small meals...healthy foods. Rest often. Walking is good


Straight up.....everytime I tried to socialize with drinkers in my
early sober days......I ended up either drinking along with them
thus making no sober progress
or having a miserable time trying to stay dry.

When you are stronger...more settled in to recovery
there will always be another event to attend.

Take good care of yourself....remember your goal

dybehfar

Thanks everyone.

This is weird. I wake up fine but as I go through the day it seems to get a little worse with regards to jerkiness, focusing, raw nerves with respect to noise. I suppose this is to be expected.

I will take it a bit easy for awhile and just keep on track.

jamdls

Hi dybe, welcome back. I agree w/others pass on the BBQ even use the excuse that you are not rested from your European trip yet if you need an excuse. The trip is likely also contributing to your tiredness, we often need a vacation to recover from our vacations especially when there is lots of heavy drinking involved.
You'll find lots of great info here and it's really an eye opener when we realize how much we relate to others with alcohol problems.

bellakeller

"I will share with you some of the more embarrassingly horrific things that occurred over the years as I come to terms with them...you know the things that make you shudder with shame and embarrassment when you recall them. They actually make me flush and sweat when I recall them."

You can use this to help you as long as you acknowledge that you may have been guilty of these things but shame will not help you in the least. You have to put down the shame somehow. I know this is probably a foreign concept but I could not carry any length of sobriety as long as I was hauling around all that heavy and destructive shame.

Best of luck! We're here for you! You are important to my sobriety.

dybehfar

Thank you all for your continued support. This has really helped me through a couple of rough patches in just the past three days.

So this is a great news in many ways. I finally confessed to my wife and she was very supportive and understood. She also totally does not want me to go to the barbecue as she knows what the guys would be like pressure wise.

So this is really good in a couple of ways. Its a great move to firm up my own commitment as now I have come clean, have support, and have one less reason to fail, along with accountability. I knew if I didn't tell her it was just a matter of time until I caved in and continued on my destructive ways.

I have noticed this is a lot like quitting smoking. You will get the craving every few minutes or hours but that craving usually passes in about a minute to five minutes. All you have to do is distract yourself when the thought / craving enters your head. Then it passes as fast as it came.

Here is to another sober day. TV \ movies and chinese food then off to bed.

artsoul

Way to go dybehfar - keep taking it one day (one minute, one thing) at a time. Try to keep the stress at a minimum, too. I found that I was very tired and unmotivated for quite some time, but even then I seemed to get a little more done than I did while drinking/hungover. It finally got better for me after about 3-4 months, which is an eternity I know, but I have a ton of energy these days so it really does get better. Hopefully, it won't be that long for you.

I tried to treat it like recovering from a major injury or illness. It takes time and we have to have compassion for ourselves and treat ourselves and our bodies with a little respect. I'm so glad your wife is understanding and supportive. That's huge!

Congrats on a good job!

Sudz No More

Good luck Buddy, I'm walking right beside you.

dybehfar

Thanks Artsoul and Sudz.

So today is day 4. Feel great for the most part. Sleep is pretty good. Minor shakes when holding something but otherwise I don't feel them all that much. Anything even slightly heavy makes it much worse. I have no idea why that is.

I woke up early as I had to deal with the kids. But promptly went out in the yard and started working on all the leaves and yardwork that I have been "ignoring". This was actually very hard as this was always an activity where I drank beer while working. Mind was darting back and forth thinking about the beer. As long as I actively thought about why I was quitting, or shifted my focus to a task at hand I was able to quell the thoughts. Now that I am done, it has been a small struggle to avoid slipping. The mind is a terrible enemy sometimes. So I am off to work on another deferred maintenace project in the house.

I have found that keeping busy doing anything, reading, walking, biking, TV (not as much), writing here, simply sitting outside watching the world go by, breathing deeply, working on a project etc really helps a great deal. The old adage "idle hands are the devils workshop" certainly holds true in an alcoholic.

I think I am going to go with my wife and kids and do some shopping. I would rarely do this in the past as it was not an end game to drinking beer.

I write all this here at SR as it truely helps me regain some balance. I don't mean to bore anyone. It comes from a truely humble spot in my soul. Hopefully someone else can gain some insight from these posts.

Thanks again to all.

artsoul

Well, you're certainly not boring anybody! We're all in this together and everyone's experience and thoughts are so helpful (to me, anyway!)

It's great if you can keep busy - and the constant thoughts of a drink do get better with time. Just remember: you can get through the next hour or minute and those will add up to one more day. Don't think about not drinking tomorrow - just for today. The days seem strange (and long) at first, but it gets better!

I had to smile when I read "I would rarely do this in the past as it was not an end game to drinking beer." I can so relate to that!