sleepie

Last night I did not drink, but I did take a few painkillers for the sole reason of feeling good. Drinking is my main obstacle- so am I on day one again? I feel failed.

sleepie

And my head says, "Go ahead and get a beer- tomorrow's the first, and you failed anyway...."

Che

Never do tomorrow what you should do right now. Tomorrow matters just like the next 10 minutes matter.

I don't think you failed, but however you feel you can't let yourself slip further. Alcohol will affect you very differently than the pain killer did, even though painkiller abuse would become equally dangerous if you did so regularly.

I read your post in the other thread about feeling alone, and I feel badly for you. I experience the same thing as well. No one is really patting me own the back, it just has to be all me. However, I think that feeling sorry about it is an unfair symptom of our culture... In movies, books, music etc we are lead to believe that everyone has a super best friend they can go to for everything... That would be nice, but I think that it's not so horrible that we have to do some things alone, because that is the reality of life.

Please don't drink. You are still doing very well if you ask me. No matter how bad it feels, you should stick with this for awhile longer... You might find you discover some peace eventually if you stop feeling like problems have to be solved immediately.

sleepie

What problems Che?

firestorm090

Hi sleepie,

I kinda look at it this way. If I want to get loaded, there are various substances to do so.

It's kinda like wanting to go to another city, and trying to decide whether I will drive a chevy or ford. Both will get me there, they are just different makes.

In the end, only you can decide if you failed. Then only you can decide if you want to try again. To me, you only fail when you stop trying.

LaFemme

Sleepie, please don't drink...I don't think taking the painkiller sets you back to one. It does sound as though taking them is a trigger for you so I hope you don't take them in the future.

sleepie

Well I guess I can still say I quit drinking. Painkillers aren't my problem. I just felt there was no reprieve and I was so torn up about drinking- I wanted it so badly . I hit my limit. Painkillers just happened to be available.

Oddly, I felt more upset after therapy yesterday than before I went. I had lapsed into a sort of hopeless apathy about my situation (they screwed up my meds, and my therapist did not call me back when I needed her to) and after discussing it with her I was in a state I can't describe. Beyond agitated.

I don't fel like taking anymore painkillers. They aren't something I crave or anything.

sleepie

I used to mix painkillers and alcohol, this was just no alcohol involved, so that's 13 days alcohol free. I'm just so confused about the whole thing.

Dee74

Please be careful sleepie - when we give up a drug of choice it's very easy to get hooked on something else that makes you feel good.

I used to smoke weed a lot and drink a little...then I stopped smoking weed - and started to drink a lot.

It wasn't an improvement by anyone's standards - I used both substances in the same negative catastrophic way.

my advice is keep the pain pills for what they're intended for, and use as directed.

D

Che

Stress, temptation to drink, loneliness, etc. When I get these feelings I immediately want to expel them, and I start acting as if they are constantly around and I have to take some kind of extreme action. They are actually temporary... between events in life.

We may have very different issues, but I should say that barring the inadequacy text over the internet, they do not seem so different to me.

LovesToTravel

You are alcohol free almost 2 weeks. I smoked a cigarette does that negate my sober time? And that is a long time...been there. Keep it up.

sleepie

There are no more left Dee. I know about that risk- and due to my other meds I can't take it anyway. I skipped the other meds yesterday. I definitely don't enjoy painkillers like I do alcohol so there is no risk that I will want them again. I put that phase behind me awhile ago. If i can get to a point where I can sleep without a pill, that would be great. So, no more drinking- working on it. I take my meds. I am getting off the addictive one- a benzo- which I have not abused. My mind is racing for sure, it has been forever.

BullDog777

there's no point in dwelling on what's done is done. i don't think you're back to day one until you drink. alcohol is your drug and while you might have tried to get high to forget how uncomfortable you were from detoxing on the booze, all that matters is that you're still in the fight to stay sober.

don't beat yourself up, but certainly be aware that you might be reaching to replace one addiction with another. nobody starts out saying "i don't think i'll be a drunk because i didn't crave booze and shake after my first beer." you know?

be strong,
bulldog

sleepie

Okay, I guess I'm still moving in the right direction. And I'm also in the process of getting off the benzos.

Toronto68

In my opinion, at this stage, I would just steer your attention away from the fact that you took the painkillers to feel good and keep focussing on the quitting of alcohol. If you start a pattern of getting your hands on them for future "use" though, then you would be complicating things and it's possible you could end up going back to alcohol. I see the fact that they were not like a chronic drug you would use the way you would drink alcohol. I think it's worth placing faith in the progress in staying off alcohol and allowing confidence to build off that.

Going from the experience of others - since I was not one to combine drugs - I remember a lady saying in AA years ago that she went off alcohol for some time (months, I don't know how long) and yet she was smoking pot regularly (whatever regularly meant) and was convinced during that period that she was living sober. Later she realized that she was not being honest with herself about being sober, and she realized she had more work to do. That was her perspective. You could think about that if you find yourself wanting to replace an alcohol buzz with some other kind of buzz.

But to recap, my approach for now is to make a big deal out of quitting alcohol and allowing that good feeling to run through you every day. As you stack more days up, there would be a deepening acceptance that you can't control yourself with alcohol or things that amount to "using" and the sobriety becomes more of a sacred thing not to mess with. That's how it was for me, although others would have an approach that says a person is not freeing themselves properly if they have not also thrown out smoking tobacco and taking in other crappy stuff. (I still smoke and drink tea.)

sleepie

Okay, I have to say thanks- this is still the longest time I have been off alcohol in awhile and I have that if nothing else. getting off the benzos will be a little tougher. but I am ready. Gotta buckle down sometime.

Antiderivative

Honestly, it doesn't really matter if you are on day one or day 13. You have plenty of time to come to terms with your sobriety date. Just keep focusing on what you need to do. Stay away from the alcohol and be careful about the pain meds.

Get a little more time together and then you can decide if you want to change your sobriety date or not. It really not something to dwell on right now. Just focus on taking the next right step.

Congrats on setting a new record for being alcohol free. Keep up the terrific work!!!

sleepie

Thanks, it was weighing heavily on my mind. It's a progress, I guess- I did not mix pills with alcohol, I have not had a drink for almost 2 weeks and I have not taken a sleeping pill in awhile. Can't sleep again tonight but oh well. It's been a one step forward two steps back kind of way but at least I'm getting there. No more benders and black outs. The very thought makes me shudder.