sleepie

Hi all, I am struggling again for a day one free of alcohol. I watched "Rain In My Heart" and it scared me, and I have these obsessional tendencies and so I am drinking again after almost a whole day of abstaining... That documentary should scare me straight but instead I drink to quell the fear and anxiety. I am out of my meds also and that is not helping. My therapist dropped the ball on that one and she knows it and apologized but my head is beyond my control at the moment as far as the fear and awful repetitive thoughts. Plus I can't sleep and I have work over the next few days which is good but without sleep I do not fare well... I read, ate, watched movies, tried to sleep, read some more, tried again to sleep, did laundry, played with dogs, I still cannot sleep. I just have a relentless reel of sad, mad and bad going through my skull and how awful things and people are... Thanks for reading and hope you are all well. I feel so sad and blank if not nervous and upset.

Dee74

I'm sorry the doco upset you. I must admit I never watch that kind of thing if I can help it either - the people always affect me deeply.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. You know it as well as I do - regardless of the circumstances, drinking is never a satisfactory answer for folks like us.

D

tooling

I like to think of alcohol for what it is- a solvent. Much like you would walk into a garage and find all those harsh cleaning agents and chemicals, there is alcohol in some of these cleaners.

Your body is not made for these things. And most of your really bad feeling are coming from the after effects of this.

least

Yes it CAN end, this nightmare can be over with but you have to stop drinking first. The longer you continue to drink, the harder it is to stop. I too drank to quell anxiety and fear. I drank to forget what a hopeless alkie I was. But it wasn't until I put the alcohol down for good that I started to feel better. Please get help to stop and stay stopped. It will only get worse the longer you continue.

skg

I think most recovering alcoholics will tell you that it's fear talking to you. False Evidence Appearing Real. During working The Twelve Steps to recovery I found that ALL of my triggers to drink were based on fear: Fear of something I might lose (past), or fear of something I might not get that I wanted (future). When I could shut down the "committee of voices" in my head and focus just on one day at a time, or one hour at a time, or one moment at a time (watch your feet when you walk and make sure they're pointing toward a recovery room), I lost that anxiety of the future and obsession over the past. THAT is when I realized that the rooms of recovery turned off the Stinkin' Thinkin' long enough for me to recognize serenity. The power of the rooms. Get YOU some...

Opivotal

Sleepie,

I agree with Least. You cannot get better until you put the alcohol away. It interferes with the medicines you are taking to HELP you get better. You NEED peace in your life. If I could give it to you I would. Really Sleepie, I'm not kidding. I've been following your struggles for a long time! My heart goes out to you. Your always in my prayers. Never give up!!! :ghug3

nancylee

I have an obsessive mind, too, and a lot of anxiety, plus I do dog rescue, and have seen terrible things that haunt me. Having said that, once I stopped drinking, my meds worked (Lexapro and Campral for cravings and brain repair) and I feel pretty good at 34 days. Don't want to drink at all, and I tried to stop for years!! I went to rehab for 10 days, actually 5 days detox and 5 days rehab, it gave me a week sober for my meds to kick in.

Please give yourself a change, for you and your doggies. Ask your doc about Campral - it helped me a lot!!!

LaFemme

What she said...)

sleepie

Thanks all. Maybe I'll feel a little better after I finally get a refill on my meds! Of course I want to quit drinking but you know how difficult that is. Even though I am doing much better emotionally than I was at this time last year, I still have some problems that make it difficult for me to see why I should try to excel at anything.

luckedog

Sleepie,
I know that I will catch a lot of criticism for what I am about to say, however the truth is the truth no matter whether ANYONE agrees or not. This doesn’t apply to everyone and I realize I am in the minority. But I have inherited chronic insomnia. I have gone as long as seven days with no sleep and no alcohol. For years I self medicated my sleep disorder with alcohol. Most people have no idea what it is like to go 5-7 days and nights with no sleep. The miserable, vicious cycle of being worn out because you can’t sleep, tired, and irritable and on edge from lack of rest is unbearable. I have tried every technique known to man. Relaxation, meditation, warm baths, warm milk, name it, I’ve tried it including self-hypnosis. Nothing works. I’ve tried over-the-counter sleep aids and have never in the last fifty years, found anything that worked for me. I’ve been to sleep clinics, used doctor prescribed non-pharmaceutical help, you name it I’ve tried it. I love it when people who have no clue what it is like not to sleep give useless quick advice to those who are unable to fall asleep for a night or two. It may work for them, but it doesn’t work for me. I am on a regiment of mild opiates for 2-3 months then for a couple of months use Ambien, followed by Valium or some other non opiate medication. This is the only way I have found not to get addicted to any particular type of sleep medication.
My mother who is 87 and refuses to take any kind of narcotics, nearly died last week because she was in such a weakened state from having no rest that her systems were shutting down. My purpose in stating these fact is not so folks who don’t need them take drugs to help them sleep. My point is that people with a condition like mine must take some form of medication in order to rest at all.
In my opinion, it would be like me telling folks with allergies, hay fever or asthma that all they needed to do was breath cleaner air, stay indoors longer, and don’t expose yourself to any pollen. Although this may be good advice, it certainly would not clear the seasonal symptoms of the problem.
In our modern, medical world we have many tools available to us to cure many ailments. Although some of these pharmaceuticals can be addictive, it does not mean that they must be addictive. With the proper guidance of your personal physician, you can do something about sleep deprivation. Don’t give up, and dont let others dictate what is best for you!

BullDog777

the defination of insanity can be defined as trying the same thing over and over expecting different results.

Sleepie, almost line for line your thread today is an exact duplicate of last month's struggle. you run out of meds and the drinking progresses again....

on 8/14, this was the thread:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-no-title.html

it seems like almost verbadim of what is going on now. you're stuck in an emotional spiral that you may not even be aware of.

every word you write rings a truth to my story as i reacted to things when my meds were running out as well.

i really believe you are stuck in a hyper-sensitive state of mild withdrawal almost 24/7 which is a big reason why you can't sleep. either from meds or from booze. you've got to get some help, Sleepie. you're on a horribly dangerous path with not only mixing the 2-as you shouldn't even be drinking in the same week you take most of the meds you take, but now you're in a switch off that is compounding the addicted brain.

i hear your pain, i feel so much sympathy for your struggle because it's so much like my own and i know how hopeless it feels. i wished i was there to give you a hug and take you to a meeting or a rehab or just be a shoulder for you because i hear the desire and i know your heart wants to get clean, but your mind is locked in constant fear.

sigh....the only way to move out of this vicious cycle is to break it.

you can either white knuckle through the emotional pain and detox yourself or go to rehab where they can properly medicate you and get you stabilized....but what you're doing isn't working and is only gonna get worse.

i hope you feel better Sleepie and please keep us informed.



-BD

laurie6781

(((((Sleepie)))))

I know you want to quit. I see how hard you are trying and this has got to be dreadful for you.

Maybe with some help from your therapist you could try rehab again. Not the kind you have been to before. This is where your therapist can help a lot! There are rehabs for DUAL DIAGNOSIS folks. They are different than regular rehabs.

I wish I had the time, I would research them for you and see which ones were available to someone in your position, but my day today is going to be so busy cleaning up loose ends and packing as I am flying, again, tomorrow morning to Florida.

Please talk to your therapist. Heck there might even be an outpatient rehab for dual diagnosis in your area.

J M H O

Hope some of the above info may help.

Love and hugs,

justbrian

Actually, once I admitted honestly I was an alcoholic and saw how unmanageable the alcohol made my life it was quite easy to quit drinking. That's because I surrendered to a HP that took it away...just like that. It left without me making any of it hard. Once i gave it up, I mean really gave it up, it was taken away from me and I haven't had to drink since then. It sounds to me like you have more excuses to drink than you have reasons not to. That was me for a long time. Finally the consequences caught up with me, and the table was turned. I had to learn that not only was it about quitting drinking, it was also about learning how to live life without drinking. It involved a total and complete change that happens a little at a time, each day. I'll never forget the words told to me by my first sponsor after yet another relapse; "many people don't make it, and you" (talking to me) "might just be one of them." I don't want to be one of them.......

Brian

sleepie

I'll just have to try harder. I know I repeat myself. I never thought I had withdrawal but that makes sense. Thanks everyone for reading. I have been trying some of the SMART recovery techniques. Aside from that I am making a list of things that bring me happiness so I can refer to it. I always forget what a simple few moments of relaxation or the right song can do for my frame of mind. I forget what I like when I get down. But I know it all boils down to simply choosing not to pick up when those tougher moments arrive, and they will.

justbrian

How about instead you trying harder, you accept that there is a power greater than all of us that will do it for us? It worked for me, and thousands of other alcoholics around the world. The gift is right there sleepie, all that's being asked of you is to accept it.

Brian

sleepie

Because I do not believe in fairy tales. I am agnostic at best.

wduhelpme

Hello Sleepie

I too am having the same difficulty. I dont have medical insurance so I run out of my meds frequently....and I am constantly fighting with withdrawl from one thing or another. Balance seems to be the key to getting well...and until I find the balance.... I will continue to struggle.

Good Luck to you and my thoughts are with you.

nancylee

Well, this works for some (but not most, as the success rate of AA shows) but many people need more than just surrendering to a HP. I have a strong spirituality, and tried AA for a year, did steps, it just didn't work. Once I went to rehab and got 8 days sober, while taking the proper meds for my anxiety and PTSD, I was thinking clearly and able to not want to drink anymore. I do go to AA meetings for the support, but many, many people have dual diagnoses, and need medication and a support system.

Peace,
Nancy
Day 35

MaryAnn100

Hey hun,

Like others here I have watched your struggles for the last few months and also am willing as was said to me to walk some of it with you.....I can't walk all the way but there are folk always on SR for ya sleepie.

It is up to your physician/therapist to decide about meds for you. Can I suggest one thing.....even when things feel lousy for you.....try acceptance.....just try accept that this is the situation now.....eventually you will come out of the lows.....just accept the situation you are currently in. As far as drinking hun......you know it doesn't help with depression or anxiety.

Great work with the rescue dogs btw. And I'm sure you have seen some horrific things doing that.

Stay sober, chill out and take care,

Annette

tormentedmirror

Yes, things can be awful, and people can most definitely be awful. Embrace those who aren't awful, search them out, surround yourself with them. Stay strong.