sleepie

I'm feeling down. I feel like nobody cares for me. I'm alone most of the time and it makes me sad that I lost friends because of something I did. But I hurt myself. Not someone else. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of being excluded. And when I try to make friends it's with the wrong people who end up using me and hurting me. I have interest in nothing. Yes, I am already taking something for depression. I'm just tired of being the one who's forgotten when others couple off, or when better people come around and I get left behind. I'm tired. I'm tired of people thinking it's okay to treat me like garbage. I'm tired of my hateful relatives, who are like vultures around the one person who has ever cared for me. I'm tired of being a punching bag for anyone in my life who wants to yell at someone. And I am sick of cruel, horrid people. I'm tired of not mattering. Everything makes me scared or discouraged or sad. I felt this way before I drank. I am only on day four but I have always felt like this. And now my counselor is gone for two weeks and she is almost the only person I have to talk to. I can't burden what few friends I have left- they might go away too.

tooling

Hey I'm here. I too wasn't the most happy person before I drank regularly so i know what you mean. It's almost as if i don't want to go back to that person and i like who i am when I drink.

But that's not the case from others point of view. I'm an ass when I drink and my before i drank personality is better.

One thing I learned to never get me down is the fact that I have a hard time getting dates. It might be because I don't go on the hunt, but they don't flock to me i can tell you this. Whatever you do don't let that fact get you down. Don't look at others and want what they have. It ain't worth it. Really.

I'm just trying to keep busy today... cut some grass and worked on some things inside. I'm making some oatmeal now and gonna put some coco nut oil in it. Love that stuff.

bubblehead

It sounds like you have some other areas of your life you need to work on.
Sometimes we get in mindframes where we are surrounded by people who do not have our best interests in mind. Often when its family members, we have to accept that your family members are abusive or dsyfunctional. You may need to change the way you deal with them. In addition, you may need counseling to help you determine what is abusive and what is not. If you find the only "friends" you have are negative and that "better" people leave you behind, you may also need to analyze what is causing you to choose the wrong type of friends. You may need to accept the fact that you need to work on yourself and question why you have allowed others to treat you in this manner.
The healthier you become, you will find you attract healthier people.
Based on the behaviors you have described in your post, I would recommend the book "Nasty People" by Jay Carter. Its a simple book but I found it very helpful.
*EDITED* Sorry I just re-read your post and see you are alreayd seeing a counselor.

foghead

you should write down 3 things you are going to do tomorrow that will bring you out of you confort zone and tick them off once you have done them that day, things that you have been putting off for ages. If you do this for a week i promise you will feel better than how you feel now. It sounds like your confidence and self esteem is at rock bottom and once this happens, life becomes very dull and you feel like you barely exist and are cared for by no one..........you have to love yourself for others to love you..be strong my friend and come on here and talk to us when you feel low...ive been there and it does not last for ever once you put the effort in...trust me.

Fandy

I often feel somewhat the same...drinking made it worse and the cycle was hard to break.

You always have support here, you can always join a conversation and no one wants anything from you.

Try to find some small activities you enjoy just for you...you don't need to expect anything from yourself other than to enjoy what you are doing.

And your so-called friends that are using you? Empower yourself and don't be their doormat.

Iriss

Hi Sleepie, It can be hard but try to make friends with yourself first, things my feel better after it x

lildawg

Sleepie, I'm sorry you're feeling low. Sometimes we all feel hopeless and alone. Drinking (and escaping from those feelings) was probably something you looked forward to. Now you know you don't that escape hatch, so living with these feelings seems as impossible as climbing a mile high wall of feces.

I take a lot of comfort in the support I get here at SR. I also say, "At least my dog and my husband love me" pretty often. Then, I look forward to the days where I don't feel so hopeless and alone. They show up here and there.

LexieCat

Do you have a problem with the idea of AA? A meeting always makes me feel less alone...

sleepie

I tried AA. The meetings made me want to drink. And I found the people irritating. I also was hit on by both men and women. I think some people actually go there to meet people to hook up with.

sleepie

Anyway I'm wondering if running out of meds early has anything to do with it.

LexieCat

Could be... how come you ran out early?

Toronto68

Ha ha, I shouldn't laugh, Sleepie, but did you tell that lady who was your sponsor about the hitting on people? Hopefully she was not one of them, and I doubt it. It's possible some people figure their best chance of meeting someone that works for them would be at some meeting, but I think it's more a case of people misbehaving. People should not be horsing around with the newbies' emotions while they are working on their sobriety. Unless there is more to it, it could be that those individuals are just letting their desires show and want to be around you. (In other words, maybe they've had to stay single a long time and feel inside that they would love to be able to be with a girlfriend again, and it shows when you are in front of them.) I got the impression I was being hit on a bit by one or two guys at some meetings (in the distant past), but I could have been reading too far into it. Other times I got double-takes, and that's acceptable, and not 13-stepping to me.

I don't know what to say about the meetings making a person want to drink. Back when I used to go, I wasn't really ready to quit and I was hiding that I was still drinking; so I was probably eager just to get out of there and get back to it. If the meetings make you want to drink, would this site do that once in a while too? I had that sensation a little bit during the first week or so, and then it went away as I studied the topics and myself along the way. There should be enough identification with the misery of addictive drinking to make it so that it is not stimulating an interest in drinking. On the plus side, there should be enough identification with the freedom gained from no longer drinking to be happy to stay away from it.

What are you doing differently, now that you are on day 4? You need to find something to do that will get the positive juices flowing. I don't remember reading what happened with that part-time job prospect at the bar/restaurant.

sleepie

Where I go is a center that is state funded and a bunch of funding was cut and there's been a revolving door of doctors. They insist upon meeting w/ you once a month and if you run out of meds before you can get an appointment, it's tough luck. The place has lots of mis-communications but it's state funded so that's how it goes. Things went more smoothly when there was a permanent doctor but he's gone.

Toronto68

Isn't it screwing with the brain chemistry to be on meds in a topsy-turvy manner, rather than maintained and monitored? I took some more than 10 years ago, but I was drinking too, and I probably messed things up more.

sleepie

I did mention it so I started going to an all womens meeting. And there I was hit on- blatantly, I know what it looks like. I wasn't offended but I was uncomfortable. And my sponsor did not really keep in touch and I would leave messages and she wouldn't really get back and did not seem to have much to say. I'm not doing anything differently today except abstaining from alcohol. I have endometriosis and it's kicking my but today. It's really all I can to sit upright at the moment.

sleepie

What do you mean by topsy turvy? The delays in between my meds are not my choice.

Toronto68

I initially thought you meant meds for depression. I'm not saying you are being topsy turvy, I'm saying the care system doesn't sound like it is doing the right thing by giving meds for something and then it's a case of "I'll see ya when I see ya."

justbrian

I'm reminded that "nothing changes if nothing changes." When I finally got tired of hurting like hell (I ALWAYS felt sorry for myself too) I decided enough was enough, and asked for help. I knew I had no power to change anything about myself without help. I was my own worst enemy, and beat myself up all the time. No one cared about how I felt, or what problems I was dealing with at the moment. Then something miraculous happened. I got sober and discovered that all the feeling I had were brought on by my own self pity. I did it all to myself. I had to own up to my own feelings, and take responsibility to change them. AA taught me how to do that. The people in the rooms helped me do that. The new comers still help me do that. I formed a resentment against an old timer that used to say to me all the time..."poor me, poor me, POUR me another drink" I made my amends, and get a good laugh about it today, because he was right.

Today when I'm disturbed, I look at me first, and find that when Brian gets in the way, it's gonna be a bad day. When I take myself and my feelings out of the equation, things will most certainly start getting better. I learned that it's NOT all about Brian any more, and you better believe that's one of the best things that's ever happened in my life! If I don't change first, then no changes will happen...it's that simple for me and me only.

But that's just me...

Brian

sleepie

Oh, I do take them for depression, OCD and anxiety. I was feeling queasy because "See ya when I see ya" seems to be the way things are run at the office- but it's the most accessible place right now. I maybe had a little depression because I had no meds for a bit- which makes me feel like a loser junkie with a legal dealer.

David 1

Four days in is tough and on top of that you have the meds issue. Know that recovery is difficult at first and for me it lasted about 2-3 months into my sobriety (I was an emotional wreck). But I think being sober will allow you to handle the other issues in your life more successfully.

For me, I turned into a fitness "junkie" and worked out pretty much every day.

It just sounds like you need a little support and someone that will listen - Friends and relatives; real friends should be there for you now.

Dave