kargy

I'm posting here rather than the introductions forum because I've been here before. And been here, and been here and... Once again, I sit feeling like a loser. I need to get focused and find the solution. I've been to two rehabs in the past ten years, one seven days, one twenty eight days. A halfway house, sober living. I know that people can work. I was sober in AA for over three years and I screwed that up as well. My God when will I get this!?! Sorry, just ranting. I seem to go a couple of weeks sober (Well, not drinking) and get frustrated with myself and lack of focus. I am truly happy not drinking, but I just seem to snap after a couple of weeks. What did you do to overcome the fear??? I just needed to post somthing, thanks for being there.

Dee74

The fear of being sober you mean Kargy?

Support was vital for me - I was deathly scared of living sober - it terrified me.
I was pretty much emotionally a newborn baby.

I needed to know I wasn't alone and that being sober was actually ok.

I didn't do AA but I'm lucky I had some good mentors and some great support - it got me through the terror and back up on my own feet.

I'm not sure how someone 'screws up' AA - if it worked for you for 3 years, what's holding you back from going back?

D

CarolD

Have you considered going back to AA....this time find a sponsor
who is willing to sit down with you and read our BB?

The program is the Steps and that is where you can find the
solution that gives peace and joy.

Welcome back....

TheEnd

I'm just like you in a way, I have a fear too, of being sober. For the last 12 or 13 years I have been the drinker/drug user and that was one of my identities. I like being high, I like to drink, and I can't deny that, but I also know that I'm more than that and I'm seeking a new life, because this old life has run it's course.

What I'm doing to overcome my fear is talk to other alcholics, attend AA meetings, journal every night, and generally keep myself pretty busy. I am also coming into acceptance of being sober and that it's okay to be sober and I don't always have to be feeling really great. I think that's most importance acceptance.

viavai

Kargy:

I identify (after 4+ years of sobriety). I haven't been posting lately because I have had a relapse. My denial-minded psyche would like to call it a "slip"; but deep in my heart I know it's not. I'm just not comfortable with feeling uncomfortable. And I LOVE to drink. I like the high, the escape, the whatever. (Why did I not miss this for four years? No idea. But plant the seed, and there you have it.) It's not full-blown addiction at this point... yet. Promised myself that I had my last drink tonight--which was five hours ago.

ANy advice and support from anyone is welcome.

Dee74

Hi Vaivai

sorry to hear your story too...

I think when we're looking for escape it's a clear sign we have things to fix in our lives...
I seem to recall you're an AA person?

getting back to AA might just help that 'fixing', and your alcoholism too
D

Che

I think part of overcoming cravings and such is developing a mentality that everything doesn't have to be solved RIGHT THIS MINUTE. Sure you'll feel like crap or you'll really want to get rid of a temptation to drink, but you'll find it goes away on its own if you just relax and stop worrying about fixing it.

This is my experience.

Antiderivative

Keep it in perspective. By staying away from that first drink, you essentially cease killing yourself and destroying your life. Alcoholics drink despite the negative consequences that they bring upon themselves. If we do it long enough, we will ultimately die a slow and painful death. If anything, that is something to be afraid of.

Alcoholism is such an insidious "disease" that goes against the very nature of man; self-preservation. When we stop, we fill up with fear. Its very baffling. "Normal" people would be more than willing to give up a substance that was killing them. I am saying this, because your fear is unfounded.

Getting healthy and rebuilding your life is nothing to be afraid of. At times it may seem like a challenge, but have faith. So many people have crawled back from the grave and have done it. You can do it too. Either that or you are going to slowly crawl into the grave.

You have an opportunity to put down the booze and get the help that you need to make the necessary changes to better yourself and have a happy life. For that, I would be grateful, not afraid.

You had 3 years once. Don't look at it as you screwed it up, but look at it that you were doing something right for those years. Get back to doing the right thing once again. You can do it!

artsoul

Hi kargy - welcome back (you too, viavai!) I understand about the fear. Getting sober was scary for me (and I'm stilling dealing with the fear of quitting smoking because it's such a tension reliever for me when I work). As far as drinking goes, I just knew deep down inside that I was going to have to quit sometime (or start losing things, including my health).

I figured that I might as well bite the bullet now (what was I waiting for?) and get the hard part over with, which was learning to live sober. After 4+ months, there are still days that aren't easy, but I can see that I'm making progress.

I think Che had a really good point about having to feel better NOW, which is what we think we get when we pick up that drink. Alcohol allows us to get that immediate reward but then we have to pay the price. With sobriety, we pay the price and do the work and the reward comes after. So it really is a different dynamic. But the nice thing is that sobriety is teaching me to be patient, accept my feelings, and take care of myself again. Those are pretty good life lessons.

stugotz

"The same man will drink again"

When I stopped using I realised that was just a small part of my problem. I was the cause of my misfortune. I wore that "not drinking" badge and puffed up my chest and thought that was all I had to do. Boy was I wrong. Just sayin...

murrill

As others have said (in various ways), it wasn't quitting that was so terrifying: It was the notion of living sober that scared me. That kept me out of AA for many years---What if it worked? What if I quit drinking? Then what? Once introduced to the 12 steps I found solace in that they were a design for living. And I was so miserable that I was willing to do what people told me. Having said that, I had to discard some old ideas and some unhealthy attitudes that, I was afraid to admit, I liked. I was an achiever, driven to be #1, "special," "the best," larger than life. I was a human doing, not a human being. While the 12 steps did not suggest that I abandon that need, I found that my in working the steps I became more "right-sized." I heard someone in a meeting say, "I never thought I would work so hard to be average." I understood. I had to abandon my old notions that sunning faster & jumping higher made me special. In fact, it was remaining true, becoming authentic, and finding who I was that has brought me the comfort & serenity that comes with living sober. It is a scary thought, to discard all those "trappings" of success, all those rewards and trophies that once defined me.....and to rely upon my inherent human-ness. But once I embarked on that trail I realized how I had sold myself short for all those years.

kargy

Thanks for all the kind words. I am not going to drink today. I'm not looking forward to the next 12-48 hours, that slight headache, night sweats, no appetite...