sleepie

I have been so down lately. I want to drink so badly to feel better- I want the escape from this awful feeling. I am only on day three for the millionth time or so. I know it's normal to feel crummy but I am taking meds and I just don't feel well at all and my therapist is out of town, I just want to relax my mind and be able to get into the shower and get dressed, and it's so easy to scrape together some change, throw on some clothes and run to the store, and then hide in my room where I feel safe. I have nobody to talk to. I am really sad and alone.

EmptySoul

Keep posting and reading. Things may be a little slow right now due to time of day, but seriously log into the chat for real time assistance. You are worth it!

TexasNative

I agree...sit down and read/post on SR. I got myself into trouble Sunday and had a few beers....it was a real drag, completely not worth it.

sleepie

nobody's interested in my posts. I've been repeating myself for almost 2 years here. I've tried a bunch of things. Nothing seems to do it. I did a big, bad wrong last fall and nothing has been the same since, things got even worse. I just can't hack it when my therapist leaves town, she is all I have to talk to.

suki44883

Have you called to see if someone is on call for her patients while she is gone? It's unusual for them to just up and leave without leaving someone available.

lildawg

Sleepie, I have been where you are a lot of times.

I'll think nobody likes me or thinks I'm interesting. Or that nobody reads my posts here at SR (or elsewhere). It took me a long time to realize that it doesn't matter if people are interested in me or not. I have to remember that I am who makes me happy -- not other people.

Let me tell you something, though. Even though you feel alone and as though nobody is reading, people are. People do sympathize with you and care about you.

The thing is, though, only you can fix you. See who is on call for your therapist. If you think you need to talk to someone, you probably do.

If you don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, march down to the end of hte hall and turn it on yourself. Know what I'm saying?

sleepie

It takes me SO long to trust anyone when it comes to therapists. I've had some really lousy ones. I just want to talk to mine. She has disappointed me but not nearly as much as others have. I'll just find a way to stick it out.

LexieCat

Sleepie,

It's very hard to help you because you reject any ideas anyone puts out there.

What if you were to say, hm, what the heck, I already feel horrible, so what can it hurt to try something different? You might be right about another therapist not helping you, but you might be wrong.

What is it you want from people here?

LaFemme

Hi Sleepie,

I don't know if this will help at all, but I frequently read books about things like positive thinking and stuff...it goes a long way to helping me.

LF.

rws177

What about taking your bike out instead of drinking. I think in the past you have talked about how pleasing that is. I know that I feel better after breaking a good sweat, and not the kind from alcohol withdraw?

sleepie

I just need to put my thoughts out there, and feel like someone hears, Lexie. I'm not looking for someone to solve my problems. As for biking, I go through these periods of just being very afraid to go outside because I am afraid of being laughed at or criticized. I know people think I am just a big whiner, however this is very real to me and I am too scared to go outside for the past few days, with the exception of going quickly to the market down the street. Sorry if I annoyed anyone.

LexieCat

OK, keep talking, then. You aren't annoying anyone. I guess we all just would like to help and make you feel better, but that isn't always possible.

There are times when it's hard to go outside and face people. I don't know why anyone would laugh at you or criticize you, though.

Maybe just moving around might help. Put on the stereo and dance? Sounds silly, but nobody has to know you're doing it.

Toronto68

Sleepie, I didn't realize you had been coming here for that long. I guess you dropped the use of the site and came back with a new ID, etc.

I know that the need to whine is a reality. I also know I am not you and don't have all the things that you experience inside my brain and body. (The extent of my "meds" is a multivitamin tablet at present, rightly or wrongly.)

A while back I tried to level with you in an expressive way, without being apologetic and explanatory, but it didn't rub you the right way. It started off with my "I'm miffed" line. I'm not going about responding in the exact same way, but I do notice the same things that it would be nice for you to come out of. Like the therapist as though she is some kind of grand key to life. Or in the past there was a brief period when the sponsor was important and you spoke about her like she needed to be on top of things. Maybe she is crappy at being enthusiastic with people, who knows.

Don't you get impatient with yourself for seeing solutions in others?

Sometimes I wish I could shake you (not in a harmful way) and get you to be more energetic from the inside. And see the inside of you as a place where there are solutions galore. I can't do it though, and shaking someone is not magic either. Why aren't you inspired enough inside? Don't waste your life behind the door and behind drinking. You're the one with more power than anyone else, other than the natural and supernatural.

I still have bad moments of my own, but so far I have my experience at trusting in myself as a foundation, and it is the best thing to have in a long time, because it enables me to pick myself up every day. If I were drinking, it would be gone. If you're anything like me, you would benefit from pushing yourself some more, whatever it takes to stay away from being lethargic and insulated. Other people should be accessories, not the keys.

Dee74

Hey Sleepie

My problems were different, but I know how it feels to think your only respite is drinking.

Unfortunately if you keep doing it you'll get to a stage like I did where it's actually killing you - no hyperbole or melodrama involved.

We need to put our energy into finding other ways to get that respite.

Keep posting - it's what this place is about
D

justbrian

I've NEVER come across a problem that alcohol hasn't made WORSE. As much pain as you feel right now can me multiplied by adding alcohol. Alcohol is not the solution to the problem, alcohol is (WAS for me) the medicine that makes everything worse. If you want more pain, anxiety, depression, and loneliness, then by all means add to it by drinking. Until I accepted that drinking was the cause of MY OCD, depression, anxiety, and loneliness, I felt exactly the same as you do. I gave up drinking, and the rest worked itself out. It may just work for you too if you REALLY want it.

But that's just me...

Brian

sleepie

I know. I don't know why I can't be inspired either. it's frustrating for me too. I wish I could just turn a key in my head and change it. I have a therapist, I take meds. I was against that for a long time and I feel I should be seeing more benefits. It was a major concession on my part to take them, and to see another therapist. I rely on a really addictive drug to get out of the apartment without horrid fear. I hate that. I just took some so that I can leave for a brief bike ride. I used to be more outgoing. I buried a lot of things for along, long time. I was "faking it until I made it". But I never made it. And that was far before I picked up a drink. I know there are no answers. Yes, I am inadequate because I haven't what it takes to just deal with it on my own. However, there are more things at play than just depression. I have felt hopeless since I was 9. And nobody cared, and I couldn't voice it and there was a lot of other stuff hapening and I can't think about it. But running from it caught up with me too.

sleepie

Thanks for your replies, I am out for a bike ride and yet another job application. Miracle drug, clonazapem. A blessing and a curse.

Live

klonopin is used sometimes for anxiety.
It is a bad comb o with alcohol, but I am sure you know that.
Did you know that fatigue and depression are big, common side effects?

BullDog777

I'M interested in your posts. I come here everyday hoping to see another update.

i just don't know anymore words to help you.

i'll try to relate to you so you know you're not alone in your feelings, though.

i lived very isolated for a long time. so what did i do? i painted. I created my own world. i hated this one and just about everyone in it.

paint your world...it will help alieveate the pain.
-but then you say you gave that up...i don't understand that...to me that's like giving up one of my senses. like someone told me to stop breathing. how?

how does creating feel bad?


i hear you saying you feel sad and alone.....why not do more social stuff?

maybe get an online X-box 360 and interact that way. you can actually talk to people online via a headset if you wanna geek out some. it's alot of fun.

i don't know what else to say.....


i desperately want to find the right words to help you, but you keep falling into the same 1st month of sobriety trap most people do when they relapse.

so i'll try again.

if you want to be sober, CHANGE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF.

make your bed if it's messy- make sure you get 3 solid meals a day
go to a support meeting of some sort- think left, go right. your brain is trained to crave failure because it's comfortable with it, you HAVE to break that cycle. that's the difference in those who stay sober and those who don't.


the point is what you're doing is no longer working so try again doing something different.


i have a wall in my studio that i painted a bunch of famous quotes on when i was detoxing from booze.

they inspire me to keep trying even when i feel like i don't have anymore to give. i wrote them down for you...

it took Thomas Edison more than 500 tries to make a light bulb....when asked how it felt to finally succeed in light of so many failures, he replied" i didn't fail. Not once. it was just a 500 step proccess.

"i dont think there is any other quality so essential to success of any kind as the quality of perseverance. it overcomes almost everything, even nature.
-John D. Rockefeller

"you gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...you must do the thing you think you cannot do." -Eleanor Roosevelt

"If a man has a talent and will not use it, he has failed. if he has a talent and only uses half of it then he has partially failed. if he has a talent and learns somehow to use the whole of it, he has gloriously succeeded and has a satisfaction and triumph few men ever truely know." -Thomas Wolfe

"it's hard to beat a person who never gives up"-Babe Ruth

"life's battles don't always go to the stronger or faster man...but soon or late, the man who wins is the one who thinks he can"- Longenecker

"A winner is someone who talks themselves out of their excuses"-Miller

"the worst moral bankruptcy in the world is the person who has lost their will to give 5 more minutes-unknown

The biggest gap in the world is between "I should and I did"- unknown

"keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. small people do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can be great-Mark Twain

"i see the man you are and the man you ought to be. i hope someday those two meet" -Hackman

"the real contest is always between what you've done and what your capable of doing. you measure yourself against yourself and nobody else"-Gaberino

"success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go"-Feather

this took me over an hour to write. don't say nobody's interested your posts. :ghug3

keep posting....please. it would do my heart alot of good to see one day that you have a month, then two, then three and so-on.

be good,

BD

foghead

when i quit drinking i made my self go outside for atleast an hour a day EVERY day. cycling, walking, whatever. If you dont want to face people then find somewhere quiet to go like a tow path or forest and bring an ipod with your fave music. I think sitting in the house everday is a very big trigger for depression. After only a week i felt ten times better and it becomes the norm quite quickly. The body needs frsh air and natural light.Hope this helps