zbear23

Hi Sleepie. Your posts sadden me, and my first inclination (as someone else posted) is to shake you out your self pity. But then again, self pity was one of my "strengths" in my alcoholism. No one liked me, no one understood me, etc. etc. And what was worse...there seemed to be absolutely nothing I could do about it.

There is a concept in psychology called "learned helplessness." It is quite different from the "acceptance" in AA. It sounds to me like you may have succumbed to this sort of thinking, and the only solution I know of is to cease dwelling on the problems....I had to stop blaming and complaining and take responsibility for my own feelings. As long as you are convinced that you can't change, you won't...at least, that has been my own experience as I struggled with sobriety for years without success. Finally, I decided on a different approach...instead of just dipping my foot into the water of AA, I jumped in and got wet all over. And I stuck and I stayed, and I decided that I would never again share my problems without genuinely seeking a solution. And guess what...more often than not, I found the solution within me.

I agree that depending on one person for your strength may be a mistake. Our AA literature claims that no human power could have relieved my suffering and, for me...that turned out to be true (although I fought the idea, kicking and screaming all the way).

I'd also like to mention, having many years of professional experience, that therapists are just as likely to lead you away from sanity as they are to lead you into it. A huge percentage of them are basically working out their own issues on their clients. Sad but true, and often very difficult to distinguish one from the other.

I learned in AA to depend on the fellowship and the Steps rather than individuals. I had wonderful sponsors, but it was the love, generosity and kindness of the group that healed me....it helped me find the love, peace and balance within myself, which is the only place IMO it can be found. I learned that I was lovable by opening myself up to the love in AA, and I continue to experience myself as lovable as I pass that love on to other. Happiness ended up being a choice I made, rather than a response to outside influences.

blessings
zenbear

Toronto68

Interesting reply, Sleepie. Not sure how to respond. I was thinking about it and glanced at some of the aphorisms and quotes from BullDog and then remembered one that used to bother me once in a while: "Smart people do dumb things." Not sure, but it was probably one of the things that entered my mind when I quit. So was "Life is what you make of it." (One that I always hated, but less so now.)

Will check for you later.

Opivotal

Sleepie,

IMO you should feel very loved by the response of your fellow SR friends. If they could reach out and give you a hug or take your pain away they would. I can sense it in every post. It should give you strength, knowing how many people care about you and your well being. However, we can only do so much Sleepie. We can't do it for you, only give advice and support.

Please think about what everyone has said. It's not only true but very heartfelt and wise. When my way wasn't working, I had to concede that maybe I wasn't seeing things correctly. That's hard to admit to ones self I know. As my very dear Mother would say "Everyone can't be wrong". If you sense frustration it's because we all want you to get well. Not because we don't want to listen or because we think any less of you.

I'll pray for you to find your way.

EmptySoul

Sometimes, I think we all feel like we want to be heard, but not necessarily to be fixed. More like needing someone to say, "Yes, I hear what you are saying and I see that you are in pain, and it really stinks. Rather than try to guide you or fix things, I will be here with my virtual arm around you while you figure things out." In any event, I'm very glad to see that you were able to conquer your anxieties with a little help from Klonopin and get some fresh air and exercise. We will be waiting here with our virtual arms!

sleepie

Empty Soul- you hit the nail on the head. And thank you everyone for your replies. Bull Dog I especially appreciate your sharing all the quotes that helped you. I don't like the fact hat I upset people here and I don't like it when people call me self pitying. I'm troubled, and confused. I am saddened by a lot of things... and I am just feeling kind of hopeless. I wish I could just "Snap out of it", too. Sorry if I frustrated anyone, and I really do appreciate all the responses it does help me feel less alone. On the upside- I went to the video store to return something and one of the employees mentioned that they may need help- I had some resumes on me (I never leave without them, now) and he said he'd see what he can do. That's the second time something hopeful happened when I left the apartment on a day I really did not want to. So that was a good thing. On the downside- I wrecked my bike after a few drinks and wrecked someone's side view mirror, I feel awful about it and I left a note w/ my number on the wind shield. I don't know what to expect but I am ready to take responsibility, I don't own a car so I feel just awful.

Toronto68

Well, aside from the bad outcome to one of the bike rides, what you put together in that post is really smart thinking to me. Smart in the sense that it can get you somewhere other than the rut you have been feeling. As I work on my own personal project of finding the right position for me, I often have temptations to give into unproductive thinking - to get into the blues... and the fear of getting interested in drinking would logically be associated with that for me. But I guess my good fortune, sense of humor and what confidence I have - much of which is new, thanks to not drinking - keeps me going. And I consider that smart thinking on my part. In the past I would be scared and freaking out. On one level I had "more" before I quit drinking, because my quitting my job came before that. But I somehow defy a capital L on the forehead and all that self-loathing stuff. I have something better to come.

sleepie

I need a job badly, it would help give me a sense of purpose and a part time gig would be so perfect right now- just a reason to dress up a bit, put on a little make up and DO something. So I never leave the place without a few resumes. Then I could build some confidence and go for THE job. One I want.

Dee74

good luck with the job hunt sleepie - hope the video thing works out

D

EmptySoul

Do you ever feel like you need to post and ramble, somewhat aimlessly and even somewhat inflammatoryily, while your brain processes information and experiences on your level and arrives at a plan or solution custom-made just for you?

mercurial me

There probably more people than you know who follow how you are doing here but don't always reply. There are a lot of characteristics in how you describe yourself and your daily life that are shared by myself and many others here. (I hope that wasn't insulting, lol).

Just a thank you for sharing the good and the bad.

LexieCat

Sleepie,

I'm a little confused. Are you saying you went out for a few drinks yesterday when you were riding your bike? When did the bike accident happen?

I'm just asking, because I thought the idea of going out for a bike ride was to feel better.

sleepie

I hope I wasn't inflammatory. I usually save my rambling for my therapist. I did have an accident last night, on the bike. I had taken my meds and had two drinks with a friend and then I was three sheets to the wind because I forgot that I'd taken my meds- my friend was buying and I drank some more. It was stupid, I know. But I feel better today. I went for a really long walk and I am tired enough to get a good night's rest. Kind of still have the "blahs" but I sort of feel like I'm coming out of it. You have all helped, thank you.

Dee74

Please be careful Sleepie - I think drinking and riding is as dangerous as drinking and driving - maybe more so.

D

sleepie

I know, the whole thing is wrong- meds and drinking and biking. Drinking is SUCH a thing with the bicyclists here... And I hang with fellow bike lovers. My only consolation is that I am more likely to hurt myself than someone else since I bike and do not drive. I know it all needs to stop. I have to try to keep in mind that I simply cannot drink. I'm going to have to start facing the days with some kind of resolve.

Dee74

You're just as important as anyone else, sleepie.
I'm pulling for you to find that resolve

D

bluewheel

As far as no one listening to your posts... I'm new here and you posted on mine just recently. I was VERY thankful that you did. Keep posting. You're being read and HEARD!

BullDog777

Sleepie,

also keep in mind that depending on your state, legally, you can get charged with a DUI even if your on a bicycle. one of my clildhood friends got one when he was riding home one night when an officer found him swerving all over the road.

the officer explained to him that a vehicle need not me motorized to be classified a "vehicle" but rather any mode of transportation that you put on a highway to get from one area to another.......just for future consideration.

justbrian

When a true and honest desire to stop drinking is in place, you will NOT have to "try to keep in mind that I simply cannot drink." It will be something that you simply know. For me it was also something that granted me more freedom than anything else in my life, ever. It took me a long time to realize how simple it really is. I don't drink. I do whatever, WHATEVER I have to do so I wont drink. There's only 1 thing that had to change about me...EVERYTHING. I was so relieved when I learned that only one thing had to be changed. It was even better when I realized that my HP was doing most of the changing for me.

As much as you probably don't see it, you comment about being more likely to hurt yourself than someone else was selfish and wrong. I worked as a paramedic, and thinking that your not going to hurt anyone else is wrong. I held a dying infant in my arms who was run over by a careless biker. Ever see an infant bleeding out of their mouth and ears? I hope you NEVER have to. You may not believe this, but I guarantee there is someone somewhere that would be affected by your being hurt, or worse. You know what to do sleepie, it's just a matter of doing it for real.


brian

EmptySoul

Not at all. I was referring to my own ramblings, kind of like hearing yourself talk to friends. For me, hearing myself blab about issues or seeing them in writing helps me process through on a different level and often reach my own AHA moment.

sleepie

Thanks all, I feel a little better today Maybe the cloud is lifting... You have all been so kind. I will refer to this thread the next time I feel down. I hope you are all well.