"but I don't drink that much"
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,937
Your drinking sounds similiar to mine, a little self medication after a long day. But as other's have already said, this is a progressive disease.
After some wild college years, I graduated, became employed, started a family, went back to school, got a couple of nice promotions, etc. things looked like they were going well. My little secret to cope with life's pressures was to drink a 3 - 4 beers at night before going to bed. Pretty much every day for years. Eventually, 3 - 4 beers wouldn't do it so I added a little vodka to the party. Pretty soon it was more vodka. And then to ease the hangover, it was a beer or two in the morning along with a greasy drive through breakfast.
You get the picture, it doesn't end well.
After some wild college years, I graduated, became employed, started a family, went back to school, got a couple of nice promotions, etc. things looked like they were going well. My little secret to cope with life's pressures was to drink a 3 - 4 beers at night before going to bed. Pretty much every day for years. Eventually, 3 - 4 beers wouldn't do it so I added a little vodka to the party. Pretty soon it was more vodka. And then to ease the hangover, it was a beer or two in the morning along with a greasy drive through breakfast.
You get the picture, it doesn't end well.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by EmptySoul 
I have never posted here before. Too ashamed, I guess. I am completely alcohol-free and sober for about 21 hours out of every single day. I don't drink in the mornings and I still manage a very high functioning job in healthcare. I read some of the stories about the quantities of alcohol consumed by others and I think to myself, "I'm not that bad. I only drink xxx amount at a time." Still, I can't shake the feeling that its a very slippery slope to the point of no return. My sister already lost her job due to a Vicodin addiction. Am I really any different?
I am the sole support for my hubby and stepson and I work in a high pressure position. I drink about a bottle of wine per day or a six-pack of beer per day. Due to some medical stuff, my tolerance for alcohol is somewhat limited. A bottle and a half of wine left me feeling horrible for a day and a half. But I see this as a very big warning sign. I drink to be numb. I don't want to feel happy, sad, angry, annoyed ... I just don't want to feel. Truth be told, I would be perfectly happy to go to sleep and never wake up again.
I am the sole support for my hubby and stepson and I work in a high pressure position. I drink about a bottle of wine per day or a six-pack of beer per day. Due to some medical stuff, my tolerance for alcohol is somewhat limited. A bottle and a half of wine left me feeling horrible for a day and a half. But I see this as a very big warning sign. I drink to be numb. I don't want to feel happy, sad, angry, annoyed ... I just don't want to feel. Truth be told, I would be perfectly happy to go to sleep and never wake up again.
I am not judging you - I drink about the same as you, and sometimes do this rationalisation in my head also.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 93
I drink to be numb. I don't want to feel happy, sad, angry, annoyed ... I just don't want to feel. Truth be told, I would be perfectly happy to go to sleep and never wake up again.
I SOOOOOOO can understand this statement....
in fact, my alcohol abusing husband, (oh no....HE cannot be an alcoholic...eyes rolling) told me the other day that HEEEEEEEE didn't drink to numb himself like I did......(when he saw the fire and spit in my eyes...he said he was "kidding"....)
And so I think about this from time to time.....why even BOTHER stopping when I could care less about breathing, much less how much I drink.....
by the way...I too work in medicine and "barely" can hang on........I wish I had some brilliant insight for you...but in MY case...I am beer in hand as I type and unsure how to progress as I now have a "seizure disorder" that I have to consider....(yes REALLY getting a workout now with the rolling movement....)
I SOOOOOOO can understand this statement....
in fact, my alcohol abusing husband, (oh no....HE cannot be an alcoholic...eyes rolling) told me the other day that HEEEEEEEE didn't drink to numb himself like I did......(when he saw the fire and spit in my eyes...he said he was "kidding"....)
And so I think about this from time to time.....why even BOTHER stopping when I could care less about breathing, much less how much I drink.....
by the way...I too work in medicine and "barely" can hang on........I wish I had some brilliant insight for you...but in MY case...I am beer in hand as I type and unsure how to progress as I now have a "seizure disorder" that I have to consider....(yes REALLY getting a workout now with the rolling movement....)
The New Me starting 1/11/09
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 678
Yup, that was me. The progression had started and I couldn't stop it. It gets harder to stop the further down the path you go.
It took me some real honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness to take action.
Now, it is so much better. Keep posting. A lot of good folks here who can help.
It took me some real honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness to take action.
Now, it is so much better. Keep posting. A lot of good folks here who can help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Mid-Atlantic area
Posts: 32
Things are better than when I posted initially. Sometimes, the reality of seeing your own words in print is as therapeutic as hearing them spoken aloud. I have not stopped drinking entirely, but I'm more aware of my automatic behaviors. I'm still working on what this means for me personally. From a brain perspective, I understand that changing a habit or behavior begins with awareness.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Please get help now to stop drinking before it gets worse, and it will get worse,never better on it's own. I too drank to numb myself but it ended up with my drinking all day, every day, and I felt horrible most of the time.
Get whatever help you need to stop drinking and stay sober. The sober life is so worth the effort it takes to get there.
I no longer hate myself and no longer want to sleep forever...
I hope you can get the help you need to stop drinking.
Get whatever help you need to stop drinking and stay sober. The sober life is so worth the effort it takes to get there.
I no longer hate myself and no longer want to sleep forever... I hope you can get the help you need to stop drinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Mid-Atlantic area
Posts: 32
Just seeing my words in writing has made me much more cognizant of my behaviors. I am exploring through a variety of avenues which behaviors are habitual but potentially problematic. Its an interesting journey as I learn more about myself. I will not say that I have been abstinent this week, but I also have not been drinking every night (never did drink during the day). On days when I did have some wine, I remained aware and did not consume the entire bottle or spend 3 hours drinking. Not perfect, but progress.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi ES - Glad you feel you're making some progress.
If you have a problem with alcohol, you'll find that it takes a lot of work to control the amount you drink and resist the urges. I think the "acceptable" amount (health-wise) is a drink per day for women. I don't think I ever wanted just one drink! At least you're thinking about it and had enough concern to post.
I hope your life situation gets better - it sounds like you have a lot to deal with.
If you have a problem with alcohol, you'll find that it takes a lot of work to control the amount you drink and resist the urges. I think the "acceptable" amount (health-wise) is a drink per day for women. I don't think I ever wanted just one drink! At least you're thinking about it and had enough concern to post.
I hope your life situation gets better - it sounds like you have a lot to deal with.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
From a brain perspective, I understand that changing a habit or behavior begins with awareness.
I hope you don't reject the idea of good counseling simply because you live in a small town: have you actually tried the counselors? There is always the possibility of traveling to another area.
I know I balked at the idea of putting more time into my recovery. I didn't want to go to aa meetings because I thought they would take up 2 hours of my time in the evenings. But, then I remembered I spent about 6 to 8 hours drinking every evening. blush.....
You do sound very down and depressed so I highly recommend that you take some action: try to find a counselor, either in your town or somewhere else. Join a program, AA or non-AA. Whatever. Look into outpatient treatment.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 6
I'm not a black out drunk either. Like you, I don't drink liquor, so I can only ingest so much beer or whatever before I fall asleep. This had made my new transition to AA a little questionable at first. After hearing the stories of how many of the fellows can just wreck themselves with one night of drinking, my first thought was that sobriety for them was going to produce immediate results that I may not experience. However, I'm starting to realize that I have the same "God sized hole" in myself that they do.
My reasons for drinking are the same as theirs, even if the results aren't as quickly disastrous. If you've been sober awhile, and have a relapse, you'll notice the level of fear and agitation even "modest" amounts of alcohol produce the next day. You were just used to feeling that way every day, and so it was your "normal".
My reasons for drinking are the same as theirs, even if the results aren't as quickly disastrous. If you've been sober awhile, and have a relapse, you'll notice the level of fear and agitation even "modest" amounts of alcohol produce the next day. You were just used to feeling that way every day, and so it was your "normal".
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 7
Even if you don't have a drinking problem, drinking alcohol every day over time will certainly worsen your depression and enhance your negative feelings about life. So to the extent you are depressed, alcohol is certainly going to make it worse. Quitting alcohol for 2 or 3 months may allow your brain to open a new window of hope and enthusiasm that you may never feel if you keep drinking. After 2 or 3 months without drinking, your brain will start producing more of the "feel good" neurotransmitters instead of the "feel bad" ones it is currently producing. It is worth a shot, especially if you are unable to find a good counselor to work through your problems. After two or three months of not drinking, you may find things aren't as bad as you think they are now, and the vicious cycle may break (depression leads to drinking, drinking leads to more depression).
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