unholy_mess

Well, I had a nice little relapse...a 5 day alcohol/weed binge, to be exact. Skipped meetings last week and was basically a worthless human being in both my friendships and job - I barely got around to feeding my dog.

Today is the first day back on that proverbial wagon and all I can think about is that I have no idea what to do when I get home. I don't know what to do with myself. And I'm realizing that I have absolutely no clue how to be alone and not do anything. I can't just sit at home and be by myself...I have to be using and/or doing something allllll the time. I feel restless and frankly, a little bit scared to go home because I just don't know what I'm going to do. It feels as if a dear friend who is always waiting at home for me died and won't be there anymore. I know that there are things I *could* do when I get home: knit, read, do crosswords...but underneath that, there's just this itchy feeling that won't go away - like those things just won't quite be enough and I'm going to be...stuck with myself. Anybody know what I'm talking about?? (ha, don't feel bad if you don't, I'm not 100% sure even I know what I'm trying to describe)

DayTrader

I did that sooooooooo many times I lost count. The guilt and shame that came afterward started getting so bad the only way out I knew would work was eating a bullet from the business end of one of my handguns.

You don't have to life the way you are or the way I was. AA....more specifically: WORKING THE STEPS with a sponsor and a therapist saved my life. I tried a million ways to occupy myself, keep busy, help others, work harder, work less, etc but nothing worked and it kept getting more and more painful.

Thank God I found my way into AA and had enough willingness to give it a valid try. ---It saved my life - NO QUESTION about it.

keithj

I know exactly what you're talking about. Describes me perfectly for years. Then I took the 12 steps instead of just going to meetings, and I never felt that way again.

I see you've been at this for 5 years now. Ready to stop feeling like this? Then I suggest you find someone in the very next meeting you go to (today perhaps) that you can show you the precise directions out of the BB for having a spiritual awakening. Give up everything you think you know about alcoholism and follow those directions without question.

least

One thing you can do (better) without drinking is taking care of your dog. Give the little doggie a nice walk after work. They will appreciate it and the exercise and fresh air is good for you both.

Kerbcrawler

yes i know the companionship of booze...and lettin go of an old freind almost..that consoled the lonliness at times...and offered a release from the serious living sober, and took away the serious edge/the worry/concern/anxiety..it did for me...only though for a few hours if i was lucky...then next day..hungover and letting all around fall apart, that little bit more..feeling even more like not wanting to see anyone...all what id escaped from was re,presented to deal with again and again...its hard no 2 ways about..better though sober..and getting into positive things,becoming adventurous,with new projects and challenges..putting efforts into the things you like and enjoy,and doing those things with others...fulfillment outside of the ways of drink and drugs...its worthwhile,life on lifes terms..findin peace and happiness...through strength and effort..good luck..

Blackkat

I pray you make it through today! I am not an addict, but I know the people here have all been through what you are going through. Just remember, you are not the only one going through this...even if it feels like you are! Do the steps, go to the meetings, seek out friends who truly care about you. Do whatever you have to in order to make it through today and I will pray for you!

hps

I experienced this often. I think there were a couple of things going on for me:

1) The addiction had a tight grip on me, I should be taking advantage of my alone time to get intoxicated.

2) Alcohol played a huge part in my leisure time. It was hard for me to imagine how I could fill the void created by sobriety.

Note that continued drinking merely made both of these issues worse.

One thing that helped for me was to accept that I couldn't be my own counsel for drinking. At the beginning of sobriety for me, I really felt that sobriety meant my life would be seriously impoverished. I somehow managed to avoid giving in to these feelings,and the feelings diminished over time.

Nevertheless

I think everyone here that's an alcoholic,or addict and has quit knows exactly what you are talking about. It's NORMAL. It will eventually go away.
AA meetings helped give me something to do and kep't me occupied.
Once I got the monkey off of my back, there aren't enough hours in the day.
But for me alcohol was a prison. I came home too drunk to do anything. I couldn't go anywhere, I couldn't talk to any body. I couldn't even follow a simple sitcom (not missing a whole lot there). So once I got where I could drive past a beer store without automaticly trying to pull in there. And could look at a beer billboard and not start Jonesing. It opened up a whole new world for me.
It's like climbing a mountain. It's not easy, and slips can be recovered from, or they can be fatal. You could fall too far to climb back out. But once you get to your destination the view is pretty spectacular.
Stick with it.
Fred

unholy_mess

Just a quick update....I made it through the night without drinking, getting high or otherwise losing my f-ing mind! I went to bed pretty early after some reading and knitting. Shock of shocks, I was actually ok! (haha - you all know what I mean; it seems silly afterwards, but during, you really aren't sure you'll actually BE ok). I survived and am feeling MUCH better today. I got through an evening home and all alone without doing anything destructive to myself and I reminded myself that I can do it.

Music

Seems like we can learn something from the dog. If there were no one there to feed the dog, the dog would find some way to eat, even if it meant getting out of the house and going wild....he'd survive. It's all about survival you know. Stop going to meetings, no contact with a sponsor or people in AA and our thinking goes nuts. That's what happens. The dog will do "anything" to get something to eat. What are you willing to do to survive??

Kjell

Unholy - of course we know how you feel. I had a few "false starts" and one of those actually cost me another dui. They can be dangerous, even deadly. I'm glad you're back here posting.

May I ask why you relapsed (in the spirit of trying to prevent it from happening again) and what you plan on doing to prevent it from happening again?

rws177

Good job on making it threw night. I think I had about 5 false starts, just dust yourself off and try again. That is what my counsler told me after my relapse.

unholy_mess

I'm not entirely sure I even really understand what happened. A lot of times, for me, it's like someone else completely takes over my mind and body and I'm sort of stuck in the background watching what's happening, but helpless to stop it. I can almost literally see my body making bad decisions and I'm somewhere in there going "noooo!"
I am, of course, NOT helpless...but it's hard not to feel that way sometimes!
As for preventing it again...I got lax on AA and being an active participant in my recovery...I guess, in a sense, I stepped out and allowed The Other (the one who "takes over") to step in. So, to prevent that, I need to be present, I guess. And I need to go to meetings

todd6138

Hey alcoholism is a disease and a lot of us do not recover. I am grateful to be back in; youve pretty much described the hideous four horsemen described in the Big Book- terror, bewilderment frustreation and despair! I have been talking to a good friend in recovery all week on the phone and that has helped me. Welcome back! Stay!

stugotz

I hate the term relapse, it lacks accountibility. Welcome back!

CarolD

When I began my AA Steps I felt a shift in perception
from shakey sobreity into solid recovery....

All my best as you get back into positive action

DayTrader

AMEN. same goes for "slipped" in my book.

I know......for sure......if I ever go back to booze it'll be because I frickin' CHOSE to. Probably a conscious decision too, but not necessarily. IF I let up on my meetings, let up on my praying, chill out one working the steps, etc....... another drink is right around the corner and it'll start making sense just like it used to. The only way I avoid it is to routinely do the things that keep it from making sense again.

unholy_mess

I don't know that I'd agree that the word "relapse" implies a lack of accountability - at least not from an etymological standpoint. Its definition is basically the return of symptoms of a disease after a period of improvement. But it's really just semantics anyway. It doesn't particularly matter what word one uses - I drank and got high again. Relapse, slip up, mistake, bad decision, recidivism? I think I like recidivism.

LifeBlows

Drinking takes up so much of your time it feels strange to do things sober. I knit too. Or I'd say I used to. I have a basket full of yarn and unfinished projects. Its been months since I touched anything. Stuff just tends to fall by the wayside when you are drinking doesn't it?

Toronto68

UM, this has probably come up already, but I noticed you said you have to be using or doing something all the time. Well, of course "using" is not doing something; it's taking time and standing it on its head and pretending nothing exists.

Easier said than done, but you want to find something to occupy yourself with as you stay away from using. And create an environment that does not include (as they say) people/places/things that will give credibility to anything remotely like "using." If you give it any "air time," that is already too much respect. You own this "air time" and you get to decide how it is spent.