First parties without alcohol
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 513
First parties without alcohol
Hi everyone,
I am VERY new to sobriety - today is Day 3.
I'm throwing my husband a birthday party tomorrow. I'm a bit nervous but still confident/committed. I am NOT going to drink anything. I know I can get through this.
I am also throwing a holiday party for my girlfriends in one week that I would normally be getting smashed at, and they will all be drinking a lot. I am more worried about this party. There will be wine and champagne. It's hard for me to even think about doing this without drinking. In the past when I was trying to get pregnant naturally and via fertility treatments, it was no problem at all to do a get together with them without drinking. Right now though, I'm not trying, so it's weird to be abstaining. Giving my friends an excuse won't be hard - they know I'm planning to do IVF next year and I just read an article that IVF success rates decrease with just 4 drinks per week. But the thought of being with my girlfriends at a party like this without drinking seems so foreign and odd.
I think I will make some kind of fun fruity non-alcoholic drink to keep myself occupied. Any tips/thoughts?
Not sure how to handle any of this.
I may go to my first AA meeting the day of the holiday party.
Halp.
I am VERY new to sobriety - today is Day 3.
I'm throwing my husband a birthday party tomorrow. I'm a bit nervous but still confident/committed. I am NOT going to drink anything. I know I can get through this.
I am also throwing a holiday party for my girlfriends in one week that I would normally be getting smashed at, and they will all be drinking a lot. I am more worried about this party. There will be wine and champagne. It's hard for me to even think about doing this without drinking. In the past when I was trying to get pregnant naturally and via fertility treatments, it was no problem at all to do a get together with them without drinking. Right now though, I'm not trying, so it's weird to be abstaining. Giving my friends an excuse won't be hard - they know I'm planning to do IVF next year and I just read an article that IVF success rates decrease with just 4 drinks per week. But the thought of being with my girlfriends at a party like this without drinking seems so foreign and odd.
I think I will make some kind of fun fruity non-alcoholic drink to keep myself occupied. Any tips/thoughts?
Not sure how to handle any of this.
I may go to my first AA meeting the day of the holiday party.
Halp.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 91
Payton,
CarolD said cravings only last 6-8 minutes if you distract yourself. You might think that to not give in to a craving, you'll have to have will power all night long... that seems so impossible, why not just give up and drink? Well, actually, you just have to make it through the very beginning of the night --that's the hardest, when people first start getting there and pouring their first drinks. It gets easier after that. You forget about it.
Every time you hear that voice in your head that says you should just give in and drink, change the subject and think about something else. Do not allow yourself to obsessively think about drinking... distract, distract, distract...
CarolD said cravings only last 6-8 minutes if you distract yourself. You might think that to not give in to a craving, you'll have to have will power all night long... that seems so impossible, why not just give up and drink? Well, actually, you just have to make it through the very beginning of the night --that's the hardest, when people first start getting there and pouring their first drinks. It gets easier after that. You forget about it.
Every time you hear that voice in your head that says you should just give in and drink, change the subject and think about something else. Do not allow yourself to obsessively think about drinking... distract, distract, distract...
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by Payton 
Any tips/thoughts?
Not sure how to handle any of this.
I may go to my first AA meeting the day of the holiday party.
Halp.
Not sure how to handle any of this.
I may go to my first AA meeting the day of the holiday party.
Halp.
I wouldn't recommend going.
Much in the same way I wouldn't recommend a recovering crack addict hang out at the crack house.
Down the road, your 'sobriety' may be sturdy enough where you can attend drinking parties-what they are-and not have to worry about putting yourself at risk, but if you are working a strong recovery program, you probably won't find much there for you, and won't feel really thrilled about going after the first occasion.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 513
LBW, thank you for the advice. You're right the start is (I think) the most nervewracking part.
That's great advice John. The other problem is that I am HOSTING the party! I am in a club with some of my best friends where we host parties every few months and I decided to host (I always have hosted our holiday party) before I realized I was an alcoholic. OOPS. I am not confident enough to admit to any of my friends yet that I am dealing with this.
I think one thing I am going to do this year is focus on decorations, food, my appearance, the holidays, etc. I will tell my friends in advance that I am not drinking. I will tell them if they bring any alcohol with them to please take it home with them.
I WILL GO TO A MEETING THE AFTERNOON OF THE PARTY.
That's great advice John. The other problem is that I am HOSTING the party! I am in a club with some of my best friends where we host parties every few months and I decided to host (I always have hosted our holiday party) before I realized I was an alcoholic. OOPS. I am not confident enough to admit to any of my friends yet that I am dealing with this.
I think one thing I am going to do this year is focus on decorations, food, my appearance, the holidays, etc. I will tell my friends in advance that I am not drinking. I will tell them if they bring any alcohol with them to please take it home with them.
I WILL GO TO A MEETING THE AFTERNOON OF THE PARTY.
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
My experience is that early in recovery real addicts get bogged Dow with success rates, comparing the pros and cons of different programs, obsessing about the horror of life without. I am very guilty of the preceeding sentence. I now believe success has more to do with the level of commitment to any given program (plan of action) than the program itself. That being said the one commonality to a real break from past drinking patterns is doing 12 step work or the CBT equivalent; IMHO. Past behaviors, habits and beliefs need to be rearranged into something better. Avoiding triggers early in the process makes alot of sense for most people. Ultimately we have the power of choice and we can choose to use it. Humbly on day 101 and schedueling a limited holiday party schedule.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 679
I am on John's boat of canceling the party. Those things are super hard this early. But if that is not an option (however, it always is, you could probably think up some great excuse....people just might get mad at you but your sobriety will be in tact and what they are getting mad because you aren't hosting a party for them) maybe you should since you are hosting plan something to do at the party like an activity so you can stay busy. I can't really think of good ideas but maybe like some sort of holiday themed game like charades or something or another game where you can play "game show host" or decorate holiday cookies that way you can be occupied with a role other than socializer, drink pourer, running around the room consumed with thoughts of others drinking.
Also I might go to a meeting before the day of the party because the first meeting can be an emotionally charged event and it might be better to have a good non-complicated evening to digest it instead of having to right away be thrust into a party atmosphere where your brain might go a little haywire. Honestly, all this is me sort of being overprotective, the party might end up being no big deal, you might host it and everyone else drinks you don't and you barely think about it and have a good time, but it could go another way. I am all for making early recovery as easy as possible. Good luck!
Also I might go to a meeting before the day of the party because the first meeting can be an emotionally charged event and it might be better to have a good non-complicated evening to digest it instead of having to right away be thrust into a party atmosphere where your brain might go a little haywire. Honestly, all this is me sort of being overprotective, the party might end up being no big deal, you might host it and everyone else drinks you don't and you barely think about it and have a good time, but it could go another way. I am all for making early recovery as easy as possible. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern Colorado
Posts: 143
Originally Posted by Payton
Hi everyone,
I am VERY new to sobriety - today is Day 3.
I'm throwing my husband a birthday party tomorrow. I'm a bit nervous but still confident/committed. I am NOT going to drink anything. I know I can get through this.
I am also throwing a holiday party for my girlfriends in one week that I would normally be getting smashed at, and they will all be drinking a lot. I am more worried about this party. There will be wine and champagne. It's hard for me to even think about doing this without drinking. In the past when I was trying to get pregnant naturally and via fertility treatments, it was no problem at all to do a get together with them without drinking. Right now though, I'm not trying, so it's weird to be abstaining. Giving my friends an excuse won't be hard - they know I'm planning to do IVF next year and I just read an article that IVF success rates decrease with just 4 drinks per week. But the thought of being with my girlfriends at a party like this without drinking seems so foreign and odd.
I think I will make some kind of fun fruity non-alcoholic drink to keep myself occupied. Any tips/thoughts?
Not sure how to handle any of this.
I may go to my first AA meeting the day of the holiday party.
Halp.
I am VERY new to sobriety - today is Day 3.
I'm throwing my husband a birthday party tomorrow. I'm a bit nervous but still confident/committed. I am NOT going to drink anything. I know I can get through this.
I am also throwing a holiday party for my girlfriends in one week that I would normally be getting smashed at, and they will all be drinking a lot. I am more worried about this party. There will be wine and champagne. It's hard for me to even think about doing this without drinking. In the past when I was trying to get pregnant naturally and via fertility treatments, it was no problem at all to do a get together with them without drinking. Right now though, I'm not trying, so it's weird to be abstaining. Giving my friends an excuse won't be hard - they know I'm planning to do IVF next year and I just read an article that IVF success rates decrease with just 4 drinks per week. But the thought of being with my girlfriends at a party like this without drinking seems so foreign and odd.
I think I will make some kind of fun fruity non-alcoholic drink to keep myself occupied. Any tips/thoughts?
Not sure how to handle any of this.
I may go to my first AA meeting the day of the holiday party.
Halp.
I love my new life!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern Colorado
Posts: 143
Originally Posted by ElegantlyWasted
I now believe success has more to do with the level of commitment to any given program (plan of action) than the program itself.
Perhaps I am overcompensating, but no worries because I am sober.
I would much rather overcompensate rather than under compensate.
I hope the party goes well for you and I hope you don't pick up that first drink!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: uk
Posts: 124
Ifi you are serious about not drinking then don't host this party. And I urge you to get to AA meetings, one a day if you can. In early sobriety (and yours has barely begun) you are putting yourself at great risk going into drinking environments with old drinking company. You can't afford to mess about and take chances with this illness; it is FAR more powerful than you can begin to imagine. In time, with good recovery under your belt, you will be able to attend such functions; but at the moment you should steer clear.
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
Interesting dilemma, if you are the hostess and can not avoid the party for that reason, then you are finding out early what those of us who have been sober somewhat longer come to learn; that life continues all around us as we deal with our alcoholism.
The advice to avoid alcohol based gatherings is very sound, but each one of us deals just a little differently with exposure to booze. In my opinion one of two things is bound to occur if you host your party. 1) You will get through the festivities without drinking and will learn just what a subtle foe alcohol is and you may better understand how to continue to deal with the temptations as you progress down the path of sober living.
2) You will say "what the heck, and drink, in which case you will lose approximately two weeks of life without alcohol and will have to decide if you really want to get and stay sober in the future.
Either outcome will endow you with some knowledge that you don't have at this time and knowledge is power when it comes to living a sober life. Only you know how badly you want to change your current situation and that desire for change, more than any other motivation is what ultimately gets and keeps us sober, or doesn't, as the case maybe.
I would suggest that AA can provide you with a great deal of knowledge; both about the problem and the solution. Don't worry about your fear of attending, we all had that fear and most of us survived and even liked it enough to keep going back. You may want to look for someone or several someones in that first meeting who seem happy and content and then since you seem to be quite a social animal with all you parties to deal with LOL, walk up after the meeting and introduce yourself. Don't worry, most of us know that new people come in to these meetings all the time and almost all of them have an alcohol problem. I have almost never seen someone stop by an AA meeting for the first time because they heard how much FUN they are!
If you find that you hate the meetings, keep going back anyway, you may just learn to like them, much more than a life drenched in alcohol and all the misery that such a life can bring. I hated most every meeting I attended for the first 90 days, but I hated my then current life a little bit more and didn't know what else to do.
As I said, you have been given good advice to avoid alcohol and the parties in the initial stages of abstinence; (sobriety follows abstinence in my opinion), but if you don't believe that you can follow that advice, get some armor in the form of information and support from some place like AA. I never avoided bars or parties from the beginning, mostly because I really couldn't based on my type of work, but I did fiercely want to stop drinking and I did use the hell out of AA and everyone in those rooms. That was over 10 years ago and I haven't had a drink since, but that was just me and I only know my thoughts and motivations.
Regardless, best of luck and I hope you get the life that you most desperately want and the one you are WILLING to sacrifice to have.
Jon
The advice to avoid alcohol based gatherings is very sound, but each one of us deals just a little differently with exposure to booze. In my opinion one of two things is bound to occur if you host your party. 1) You will get through the festivities without drinking and will learn just what a subtle foe alcohol is and you may better understand how to continue to deal with the temptations as you progress down the path of sober living.
2) You will say "what the heck, and drink, in which case you will lose approximately two weeks of life without alcohol and will have to decide if you really want to get and stay sober in the future.
Either outcome will endow you with some knowledge that you don't have at this time and knowledge is power when it comes to living a sober life. Only you know how badly you want to change your current situation and that desire for change, more than any other motivation is what ultimately gets and keeps us sober, or doesn't, as the case maybe.
I would suggest that AA can provide you with a great deal of knowledge; both about the problem and the solution. Don't worry about your fear of attending, we all had that fear and most of us survived and even liked it enough to keep going back. You may want to look for someone or several someones in that first meeting who seem happy and content and then since you seem to be quite a social animal with all you parties to deal with LOL, walk up after the meeting and introduce yourself. Don't worry, most of us know that new people come in to these meetings all the time and almost all of them have an alcohol problem. I have almost never seen someone stop by an AA meeting for the first time because they heard how much FUN they are!
If you find that you hate the meetings, keep going back anyway, you may just learn to like them, much more than a life drenched in alcohol and all the misery that such a life can bring. I hated most every meeting I attended for the first 90 days, but I hated my then current life a little bit more and didn't know what else to do.
As I said, you have been given good advice to avoid alcohol and the parties in the initial stages of abstinence; (sobriety follows abstinence in my opinion), but if you don't believe that you can follow that advice, get some armor in the form of information and support from some place like AA. I never avoided bars or parties from the beginning, mostly because I really couldn't based on my type of work, but I did fiercely want to stop drinking and I did use the hell out of AA and everyone in those rooms. That was over 10 years ago and I haven't had a drink since, but that was just me and I only know my thoughts and motivations.
Regardless, best of luck and I hope you get the life that you most desperately want and the one you are WILLING to sacrifice to have.
Jon
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: eastern canada
Posts: 18
I went to my first AA meeting the day after I had my last drink, and it was the most terrifying and most humbling experience of my life. I'd been obsessively thinking about quitting for about a year before I went to a meeting, and had tried several times to quit on my own, never lasting for longer than a couple of weeks.
At the same time, I had a part-time job in addition to my full-time job, where I worked the door at a folk club whenever they had shows, usually about four nights a week. They paid me under the table, and my compensation, for about three hours of work, was thirty dollars and two pints of their microbrew. I would be off the door at about midnight, and before I quit drinking, my routine would be to drink my "door beers" as well as spending the rest of the money, in the bar downstairs, with all of my drinking buddies. After quitting drinking, I kept the job, giving my beers away to friends, and getting the hell out of there as soon as my job was done.
I thought I had it under control, and I guess I did in the sense that I didn't, actually, drink. But looking back on it now, I think it was frankly a miracle that I didn't. I was so tempted so many times during those first couple of months. There were a couple occasions where friends of mine would come upstairs to say hi while I was working, and I knew that if they were still there when I got off work I would be sitting downstairs with them, drink in hand. And it just so happened that they had gone home by then. I didn't recognize it so much then, but now I really feel like I dodged a whole lot of bullets.
I joined AA initially because I felt like I would feel like I had to be accountable to someone other than myself, and that that was the only thing that would keep me from drinking. That pronouncement, "I am an alcoholic," to a room full of people, was something I really needed. And if I hadn't had that kind of support I would not have been successful.
I don't really know what to suggest to you about hosting your party, but if me-at-15-months-sober could go back to me-at-one-month-sober, I would strongly recommend to myself that I not continue working in a bar that I loved, around people I loved to drink and talk with. I just got lucky.
At the same time, I had a part-time job in addition to my full-time job, where I worked the door at a folk club whenever they had shows, usually about four nights a week. They paid me under the table, and my compensation, for about three hours of work, was thirty dollars and two pints of their microbrew. I would be off the door at about midnight, and before I quit drinking, my routine would be to drink my "door beers" as well as spending the rest of the money, in the bar downstairs, with all of my drinking buddies. After quitting drinking, I kept the job, giving my beers away to friends, and getting the hell out of there as soon as my job was done.
I thought I had it under control, and I guess I did in the sense that I didn't, actually, drink. But looking back on it now, I think it was frankly a miracle that I didn't. I was so tempted so many times during those first couple of months. There were a couple occasions where friends of mine would come upstairs to say hi while I was working, and I knew that if they were still there when I got off work I would be sitting downstairs with them, drink in hand. And it just so happened that they had gone home by then. I didn't recognize it so much then, but now I really feel like I dodged a whole lot of bullets.
I joined AA initially because I felt like I would feel like I had to be accountable to someone other than myself, and that that was the only thing that would keep me from drinking. That pronouncement, "I am an alcoholic," to a room full of people, was something I really needed. And if I hadn't had that kind of support I would not have been successful.
I don't really know what to suggest to you about hosting your party, but if me-at-15-months-sober could go back to me-at-one-month-sober, I would strongly recommend to myself that I not continue working in a bar that I loved, around people I loved to drink and talk with. I just got lucky.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 513
Thank you all SO much. I appreciate your advice more than I can say.
Last night was my husband's birthday party, and I made it through without a drink. We told many of our friends that I am not drinking, which they supported, so that was helpful. I had a few moments where that "voice" came in urging me to have something, but I ignored it and stayed busy. It was really nice to see that we have several friends who do not drink or barely had anything. I actually really enjoyed being sober! Everything was under control and I had a great time. It was reassuring to know I could have fun without alcohol. Several times I "thought the drink through" as I have read in other threads here - all of the bad things that could happen if I started drinking.
As far as the party next Friday that I am hosting with friends - I have some thoughts. I did call one of my friends and ask if she could co-host with me, either at her house or at mine. I am going to have an activity going on, and I'm going to start the party earlier. I do appreciate the advice to not make Friday my first AA meeting. I'm thinking I may go to one on Wednesday and then try to hit a second up on Friday, the day of the party.
Now that I am aware and recognizing my problem, I am going to approach situations like this differently in terms of volunteering to host such parties!
I will follow up to let everyone know how it goes. Thank you for the support xoxox.
Last night was my husband's birthday party, and I made it through without a drink. We told many of our friends that I am not drinking, which they supported, so that was helpful. I had a few moments where that "voice" came in urging me to have something, but I ignored it and stayed busy. It was really nice to see that we have several friends who do not drink or barely had anything. I actually really enjoyed being sober! Everything was under control and I had a great time. It was reassuring to know I could have fun without alcohol. Several times I "thought the drink through" as I have read in other threads here - all of the bad things that could happen if I started drinking.
As far as the party next Friday that I am hosting with friends - I have some thoughts. I did call one of my friends and ask if she could co-host with me, either at her house or at mine. I am going to have an activity going on, and I'm going to start the party earlier. I do appreciate the advice to not make Friday my first AA meeting. I'm thinking I may go to one on Wednesday and then try to hit a second up on Friday, the day of the party.
Now that I am aware and recognizing my problem, I am going to approach situations like this differently in terms of volunteering to host such parties!
I will follow up to let everyone know how it goes. Thank you for the support xoxox.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 679
Originally Posted by Payton
It was really nice to see that we have several friends who do not drink or barely had anything.
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