Reaching out before I Really need to...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 758
Reaching out before I Really need to...
Thats what I'm actually doing I guess more than anything lol. I'm about 2 months sober, I can't say to the exact day because honestly (maybe its just me??) but counting each day was making it "harder" for me I found. Anyway....I've been doing pretty good I guess, but the past 2-3 days I've been finding myself thinking "those thoughts". - "Steve, try it again, you know you can do it and it will be different this time.". Or "Even though you've quit, maybe just one last bit hooray?"
I'm not stupid so please no one treat me that way
.....Because I know its my old self tryin to get in one last time, but the past couple days have been hard I wont lie. Any great words of wisdom to help me through this rough patch?
Steve
I'm not stupid so please no one treat me that way
.....Because I know its my old self tryin to get in one last time, but the past couple days have been hard I wont lie. Any great words of wisdom to help me through this rough patch?Steve
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 694
This has been a really hard day/night for me, I am just getting over the bad urges, I wanted to drink so badly. I am not much help to you I know but just know your not alone, I find myself talking me into it!
I know some of my friends are doing it, I know how it will make me feel (at first), then I really think do I want just one? Maybe at first, well, if I am going to drink it will probably be a 12 pack before its over, I do very much count my days, I find it helps, Its hard starting over so breaking the pattern for me is something I really don’t want to do again.
The green days below are days I haven’t drank; the first one was on September 20th 2009...
<<< 28 29 30 31 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19
I know some of my friends are doing it, I know how it will make me feel (at first), then I really think do I want just one? Maybe at first, well, if I am going to drink it will probably be a 12 pack before its over, I do very much count my days, I find it helps, Its hard starting over so breaking the pattern for me is something I really don’t want to do again.
The green days below are days I haven’t drank; the first one was on September 20th 2009...
<<< 28 29 30 31 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
For me it helped, and still helps, to remind myself sternly of how bad I felt last time I drank. Feeling bad physically and feeling guilty and ashamed. I keep reminding myself of how I don't want to go "back there" again I'm afraid that if I do, I won't have any more recovery left in me.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
I really got involved in the program from the start. I had my lic. coming into AA so, I picked people up that, didn't drive. Seemed to be the best thing for me not to have lots of idle time to think. I wasn't even aware I was doing service work taking people to meetings, setting up and cleaning up.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Hi Steve,
You can do this, I find going back over my posts when I first joined here helpful in keeping me in check when I am thinking about drinking.
You have done so well, remember where you were. Here is your first post (hope its ok to bring it back for you)
All of the best,
NB
You can do this, I find going back over my posts when I first joined here helpful in keeping me in check when I am thinking about drinking.
You have done so well, remember where you were. Here is your first post (hope its ok to bring it back for you)
All of the best,
NB
Originally Posted by DayWalker 
Just found this forum last night and figured I would introduce myself and give a little background on why/how I got here.
I'm a 37 yr old man and live in Michigan. I didn't start drinking till I was 21 so I started late compared to most alcoholics, but I made up for lost time in a hurry. It didn't take me very long to start consuming dangerous amounts of alcohol, having it affect jobs, relationships, and piling up multipile DUI's. I don't try to hide any of that because I don't feel I ever need to do so. I'm a pretty open person and will tell almost anyone that wants to know something what ever they ask, I'm not proud of my past, yet I don't feel the need to hide it ethier.
Between 22 -25 yrs old I lied cheated and manipulated anyone that confronted me about my drinking. Being a very big guy (6'6” 300lbs) I took jobs at night as a bouncer at local bars, mainly just because it suited my life style of drinking, girls, and more drinking. At 26 my father passed away and that was my excuse to REALLY kick my drinking into overdrive. At that point I lost my day job and couldn't even hold the night bouncer job due to drinking all the time. I finally hit bottom around 10 years ago when I spent my 27th B-day in jail for a 3rd DUI which I was lucky to walk away from after hitting a very immovable object. I finally got my head right after that and thought that was my bottom and I was going to do things different from then on. Even though I had good intentions I only managed to put together a few days of sobriety at a time for the next year. Finally about 28yrs old I got sober. I went to Primary Purpose AA meetings 2-3times a week, got a sponsor, put myself in a 3 month long outpaitent program, and during that time managed to hold down a good job for the better part of 8 yrs without drinking.
Couple years ago I lost that job (not drinking related) and started up my own small business. Its been a pretty successful small business, but being your own boss has had a bad affect on one hand when your an alcoholic. No one to anwser too, set your own hours, spend the day not working if you don't feel like it....sure you see where this is going. So about a year ago (I was a good 6+ yrs sober at the time)....I found myself at the local liquor store getting a fifth of Vodka. I drank that day and felt bad about it and the wasted 6yrs of being sober....Untill a few weeks later when I did it again. Over the past year it's returned to being a bad situation, even though I don't drink as “often” as I use to...now I drink in a more dangerous manner. A normal “drinking day” for me consists of starting to drink around 3-4PM, sitting in the back room listening to music and drinking the entire fifth of Vodka by about 9PM. Then cracking a 2nd fifth and I normally finish about half of the 2nd fifth by around 2-3am and pretty much blackout after than. Then the following two days I hardly even move from the bed. Use to be able to bounce back quickly when I was younger, but lately it takes me 2 full days to feel normal again. And as much as I tell myself I'm done and it wont happen again, soon as I get up and moving I am already planning the next binge. (Hence the username “DayWalker” as some friends jokingly accuse me of being a Vampire since I am normally up all night and dissapear for a few days at a time after wards.)
As of right now I have not drank since Monday night. But I honestly can't say how long that will last. I've thought of going back to AA meettings, but after a couple years of normal AA meetings as well as Primary Purpose meetings, as much as I hate to say it I just feel thats just not for me. I know as an addict none of us like to be told what to do or follow rules, but meetings to me were never what did me much good, I always resented them and many times left feeling more like drinking than I did before I went in. The thing that I think helped me the most was more just trying to live a peaceful life and not letting the things that I couldn't change bother me. Althought I dont know what the anwser really is, if I did then I wouldnt be here.
The thing about being an alcoholic that has always amazed me is the fact that I feel I am a smart person, I don't want to die like some people actually want to. I still have some loving family not far away, I make okay money, have good friends, I do have a very big heart and will do anything for anyone, I'm loving and caring...yet I find myself time and time again doing something that anyone with an I.Q over 50 know's what the outcome will be. Kind'a makes me wonder if I haven't lost my mind at times.
So don't really even know how I came across this forum last night but I did and after reading posts for about an hour I liked what I saw with all the support and thought it couldn't hurt to at least join and see what happens.
Steve
I'm a 37 yr old man and live in Michigan. I didn't start drinking till I was 21 so I started late compared to most alcoholics, but I made up for lost time in a hurry. It didn't take me very long to start consuming dangerous amounts of alcohol, having it affect jobs, relationships, and piling up multipile DUI's. I don't try to hide any of that because I don't feel I ever need to do so. I'm a pretty open person and will tell almost anyone that wants to know something what ever they ask, I'm not proud of my past, yet I don't feel the need to hide it ethier.
Between 22 -25 yrs old I lied cheated and manipulated anyone that confronted me about my drinking. Being a very big guy (6'6” 300lbs) I took jobs at night as a bouncer at local bars, mainly just because it suited my life style of drinking, girls, and more drinking. At 26 my father passed away and that was my excuse to REALLY kick my drinking into overdrive. At that point I lost my day job and couldn't even hold the night bouncer job due to drinking all the time. I finally hit bottom around 10 years ago when I spent my 27th B-day in jail for a 3rd DUI which I was lucky to walk away from after hitting a very immovable object. I finally got my head right after that and thought that was my bottom and I was going to do things different from then on. Even though I had good intentions I only managed to put together a few days of sobriety at a time for the next year. Finally about 28yrs old I got sober. I went to Primary Purpose AA meetings 2-3times a week, got a sponsor, put myself in a 3 month long outpaitent program, and during that time managed to hold down a good job for the better part of 8 yrs without drinking.
Couple years ago I lost that job (not drinking related) and started up my own small business. Its been a pretty successful small business, but being your own boss has had a bad affect on one hand when your an alcoholic. No one to anwser too, set your own hours, spend the day not working if you don't feel like it....sure you see where this is going. So about a year ago (I was a good 6+ yrs sober at the time)....I found myself at the local liquor store getting a fifth of Vodka. I drank that day and felt bad about it and the wasted 6yrs of being sober....Untill a few weeks later when I did it again. Over the past year it's returned to being a bad situation, even though I don't drink as “often” as I use to...now I drink in a more dangerous manner. A normal “drinking day” for me consists of starting to drink around 3-4PM, sitting in the back room listening to music and drinking the entire fifth of Vodka by about 9PM. Then cracking a 2nd fifth and I normally finish about half of the 2nd fifth by around 2-3am and pretty much blackout after than. Then the following two days I hardly even move from the bed. Use to be able to bounce back quickly when I was younger, but lately it takes me 2 full days to feel normal again. And as much as I tell myself I'm done and it wont happen again, soon as I get up and moving I am already planning the next binge. (Hence the username “DayWalker” as some friends jokingly accuse me of being a Vampire since I am normally up all night and dissapear for a few days at a time after wards.)
As of right now I have not drank since Monday night. But I honestly can't say how long that will last. I've thought of going back to AA meettings, but after a couple years of normal AA meetings as well as Primary Purpose meetings, as much as I hate to say it I just feel thats just not for me. I know as an addict none of us like to be told what to do or follow rules, but meetings to me were never what did me much good, I always resented them and many times left feeling more like drinking than I did before I went in. The thing that I think helped me the most was more just trying to live a peaceful life and not letting the things that I couldn't change bother me. Althought I dont know what the anwser really is, if I did then I wouldnt be here.
The thing about being an alcoholic that has always amazed me is the fact that I feel I am a smart person, I don't want to die like some people actually want to. I still have some loving family not far away, I make okay money, have good friends, I do have a very big heart and will do anything for anyone, I'm loving and caring...yet I find myself time and time again doing something that anyone with an I.Q over 50 know's what the outcome will be. Kind'a makes me wonder if I haven't lost my mind at times.
So don't really even know how I came across this forum last night but I did and after reading posts for about an hour I liked what I saw with all the support and thought it couldn't hurt to at least join and see what happens.
Steve
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
Hello Steve
I am going on month 7. Every 30 days I get the urge. It usually lasts 3 to 5 days, the rest of the time I'm fine. The last one (6 months) was a Doozie. I really thought about drinking, but I didn't. I'm coming up on that time again any day, hoping the last one was the end of it. But I bet it will happen.
Hang in there and it will go away. Once you get through it and look back, you will realize that wasn't you wanting to drink. It was Demon alcohol, put him in his place. Drinking isn't an option.
Fred
I am going on month 7. Every 30 days I get the urge. It usually lasts 3 to 5 days, the rest of the time I'm fine. The last one (6 months) was a Doozie. I really thought about drinking, but I didn't. I'm coming up on that time again any day, hoping the last one was the end of it. But I bet it will happen.
Hang in there and it will go away. Once you get through it and look back, you will realize that wasn't you wanting to drink. It was Demon alcohol, put him in his place. Drinking isn't an option.
Fred
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Steve,
I found that I had no effective mental defense against that first drink. Maybe I could remember how bad it was and maybe I couldn't, but those thoughts always failed to stop me from drinking. It didn't matter much if it was a couple weeks or a few months, there always came a day when drinking made sense.
So there I was, contemplating the truth of my alcoholism. The delusion that I was ever going to have that effective mental defense was broken. I knew that I would try my best and still fail miserably. I would play all my tricks and games and stay busy and change my friends and snap rubber bands and avoid slippery places and watch my triggers, and I would still end up drunk and demoralized. It was only a matter of time. That, for me, was true hopelessness.
But, it also spelled the beginning of recovery. When faced with the truth about my own alchoholism, I became willing to accept the plan of action laid out in AA's 12 steps. I didn't really think it would work for me, but I saw it work for so many others. And I had nothing to lose.
Within a couple months after calling a book thumper AA guy and starting to go through the Big Book with him, I was 1/2 way through the Steps and the obsession to drink was gone. I knew I was protected and safe from alcohol. And it's proven true over time. I remain protected and my life is fulfilled as long as I live by certain principles. The rewards go way beyond the drink problem.
Those were the lengths I had to go to. YMMV.
I found that I had no effective mental defense against that first drink. Maybe I could remember how bad it was and maybe I couldn't, but those thoughts always failed to stop me from drinking. It didn't matter much if it was a couple weeks or a few months, there always came a day when drinking made sense.
So there I was, contemplating the truth of my alcoholism. The delusion that I was ever going to have that effective mental defense was broken. I knew that I would try my best and still fail miserably. I would play all my tricks and games and stay busy and change my friends and snap rubber bands and avoid slippery places and watch my triggers, and I would still end up drunk and demoralized. It was only a matter of time. That, for me, was true hopelessness.
But, it also spelled the beginning of recovery. When faced with the truth about my own alchoholism, I became willing to accept the plan of action laid out in AA's 12 steps. I didn't really think it would work for me, but I saw it work for so many others. And I had nothing to lose.
Within a couple months after calling a book thumper AA guy and starting to go through the Big Book with him, I was 1/2 way through the Steps and the obsession to drink was gone. I knew I was protected and safe from alcohol. And it's proven true over time. I remain protected and my life is fulfilled as long as I live by certain principles. The rewards go way beyond the drink problem.
Those were the lengths I had to go to. YMMV.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
Steve, What you're experiencing is the disease of alcoholism telling you that it's not really there. As we in AA recognize, the disease is cunning, baffling, powerful. It will always be looking for an opening, a moment where you let your guard down, a period where you get a little overconfident. It's whispering "Hell, you can handle just one," Read some of the threads here to see how often that happens. It can be something as innocuous as a glass of Champagne at a wedding ("Go ahead, it's just one glass").
As Keith said, he found strength in the program of AA. So did I and thousands of others. But even with AA I've seen people relapse after 10 years (me), 16 years (a friend last week) and so on. There's no guarantees here, but if as Keith said, we concentrate on living by certain principles we'll remain protected. But we can never let our guard down. Our disease is always there waiting for an opportunity and it's very, very patient.
As Keith said, he found strength in the program of AA. So did I and thousands of others. But even with AA I've seen people relapse after 10 years (me), 16 years (a friend last week) and so on. There's no guarantees here, but if as Keith said, we concentrate on living by certain principles we'll remain protected. But we can never let our guard down. Our disease is always there waiting for an opportunity and it's very, very patient.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
joedris are the ones, including you, who relapsed working the steps, attending meetings and helping newcomers when they relapse? Your post kind of gave the impression that this may be the case...i have heard stories from my sponsor, he has 24 years, about people that came in with him who relapsed and the common theme is that they disappeared from meetings etc before actually picking up the drink?
Hope you don't mind me asking:-)
Hope you don't mind me asking:-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 758
Thanks everyone. I know your all right, and I admit even after a couple months I'm still fighting "staying" sober, I know I am. It's just been reallt hard the past week now for me. I'm still not drinking, but the past week has not been the happy not drinking for me, it's been more of a fight than anything.
Another thing which I know is making my outlook harder on me is I stopped smoking 6 days ago. Trying to quite smoking because in the past month I have had two people I know of pass away from lung cancer complications...so I know I need to quite before I get too old (37 right now). But not smoking the past week I have noticed has really affected my whole outlook on everything, just haven't been feeling good about much of anything this past week.
maybe stopping smoking isn't the best idea at this point in my soberiety? I dunno.
Steve
Another thing which I know is making my outlook harder on me is I stopped smoking 6 days ago. Trying to quite smoking because in the past month I have had two people I know of pass away from lung cancer complications...so I know I need to quite before I get too old (37 right now). But not smoking the past week I have noticed has really affected my whole outlook on everything, just haven't been feeling good about much of anything this past week.
maybe stopping smoking isn't the best idea at this point in my soberiety? I dunno.
Steve
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Many people find it tough to tackle both Steve...
but you've got a good motivation to stay quit and you have 6 days racked up now...and with cigs, at least in my experience, it got easier and easier as the weeks piled up
I guess the 'butt' stops with you, mate
D
but you've got a good motivation to stay quit and you have 6 days racked up now...and with cigs, at least in my experience, it got easier and easier as the weeks piled up
I guess the 'butt' stops with you, mate
D
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
I'm not real talented. I can't multi-task very well. I can still have thoughts of having a drink. I don't take those thoughts very far. I can still have thoughts of having a smoke. Put them both together, I can go nuts!!!!!!!!!!!!11
I had a wedding last week. I've got a wedding this Sat. lot of drinking and smoking to contend with
I had a wedding last week. I've got a wedding this Sat. lot of drinking and smoking to contend with
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
To answer yeahgr8, some who relapsed were not working the program (me, for one), and others seemed to be. That is, they attended meetings, worked with others doing 12th step work etc. But I honestly feel that somewhere along the line they were only playing lip service to the program. Relapse is a pretty complicated affair. Just read Teri Gorski's book Staying Sober. And it usually starts, as your sponsor said, by not going to meetings.
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