A bit about me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 758
A bit about me
Just found this forum last night and figured I would introduce myself and give a little background on why/how I got here.
I'm a 37 yr old man and live in Michigan. I didn't start drinking till I was 21 so I started late compared to most alcoholics, but I made up for lost time in a hurry. It didn't take me very long to start consuming dangerous amounts of alcohol, having it affect jobs, relationships, and piling up multipile DUI's. I don't try to hide any of that because I don't feel I ever need to do so. I'm a pretty open person and will tell almost anyone that wants to know something what ever they ask, I'm not proud of my past, yet I don't feel the need to hide it ethier.
Between 22 -25 yrs old I lied cheated and manipulated anyone that confronted me about my drinking. Being a very big guy (6'6” 300lbs) I took jobs at night as a bouncer at local bars, mainly just because it suited my life style of drinking, girls, and more drinking. At 26 my father passed away and that was my excuse to REALLY kick my drinking into overdrive. At that point I lost my day job and couldn't even hold the night bouncer job due to drinking all the time. I finally hit bottom around 10 years ago when I spent my 27th B-day in jail for a 3rd DUI which I was lucky to walk away from after hitting a very immovable object. I finally got my head right after that and thought that was my bottom and I was going to do things different from then on. Even though I had good intentions I only managed to put together a few days of sobriety at a time for the next year. Finally about 28yrs old I got sober. I went to Primary Purpose AA meetings 2-3times a week, got a sponsor, put myself in a 3 month long outpaitent program, and during that time managed to hold down a good job for the better part of 8 yrs without drinking.
Couple years ago I lost that job (not drinking related) and started up my own small business. Its been a pretty successful small business, but being your own boss has had a bad affect on one hand when your an alcoholic. No one to anwser too, set your own hours, spend the day not working if you don't feel like it....sure you see where this is going. So about a year ago (I was a good 6+ yrs sober at the time)....I found myself at the local liquor store getting a fifth of Vodka. I drank that day and felt bad about it and the wasted 6yrs of being sober....Untill a few weeks later when I did it again. Over the past year it's returned to being a bad situation, even though I don't drink as “often” as I use to...now I drink in a more dangerous manner. A normal “drinking day” for me consists of starting to drink around 3-4PM, sitting in the back room listening to music and drinking the entire fifth of Vodka by about 9PM. Then cracking a 2nd fifth and I normally finish about half of the 2nd fifth by around 2-3am and pretty much blackout after than. Then the following two days I hardly even move from the bed. Use to be able to bounce back quickly when I was younger, but lately it takes me 2 full days to feel normal again. And as much as I tell myself I'm done and it wont happen again, soon as I get up and moving I am already planning the next binge. (Hence the username “DayWalker” as some friends jokingly accuse me of being a Vampire since I am normally up all night and dissapear for a few days at a time after wards.)
As of right now I have not drank since Monday night. But I honestly can't say how long that will last. I've thought of going back to AA meettings, but after a couple years of normal AA meetings as well as Primary Purpose meetings, as much as I hate to say it I just feel thats just not for me. I know as an addict none of us like to be told what to do or follow rules, but meetings to me were never what did me much good, I always resented them and many times left feeling more like drinking than I did before I went in. The thing that I think helped me the most was more just trying to live a peaceful life and not letting the things that I couldn't change bother me. Althought I dont know what the anwser really is, if I did then I wouldnt be here.
The thing about being an alcoholic that has always amazed me is the fact that I feel I am a smart person, I don't want to die like some people actually want to. I still have some loving family not far away, I make okay money, have good friends, I do have a very big heart and will do anything for anyone, I'm loving and caring...yet I find myself time and time again doing something that anyone with an I.Q over 50 know's what the outcome will be. Kind'a makes me wonder if I haven't lost my mind at times.
So don't really even know how I came across this forum last night but I did and after reading posts for about an hour I liked what I saw with all the support and thought it couldn't hurt to at least join and see what happens.
Steve
I'm a 37 yr old man and live in Michigan. I didn't start drinking till I was 21 so I started late compared to most alcoholics, but I made up for lost time in a hurry. It didn't take me very long to start consuming dangerous amounts of alcohol, having it affect jobs, relationships, and piling up multipile DUI's. I don't try to hide any of that because I don't feel I ever need to do so. I'm a pretty open person and will tell almost anyone that wants to know something what ever they ask, I'm not proud of my past, yet I don't feel the need to hide it ethier.
Between 22 -25 yrs old I lied cheated and manipulated anyone that confronted me about my drinking. Being a very big guy (6'6” 300lbs) I took jobs at night as a bouncer at local bars, mainly just because it suited my life style of drinking, girls, and more drinking. At 26 my father passed away and that was my excuse to REALLY kick my drinking into overdrive. At that point I lost my day job and couldn't even hold the night bouncer job due to drinking all the time. I finally hit bottom around 10 years ago when I spent my 27th B-day in jail for a 3rd DUI which I was lucky to walk away from after hitting a very immovable object. I finally got my head right after that and thought that was my bottom and I was going to do things different from then on. Even though I had good intentions I only managed to put together a few days of sobriety at a time for the next year. Finally about 28yrs old I got sober. I went to Primary Purpose AA meetings 2-3times a week, got a sponsor, put myself in a 3 month long outpaitent program, and during that time managed to hold down a good job for the better part of 8 yrs without drinking.
Couple years ago I lost that job (not drinking related) and started up my own small business. Its been a pretty successful small business, but being your own boss has had a bad affect on one hand when your an alcoholic. No one to anwser too, set your own hours, spend the day not working if you don't feel like it....sure you see where this is going. So about a year ago (I was a good 6+ yrs sober at the time)....I found myself at the local liquor store getting a fifth of Vodka. I drank that day and felt bad about it and the wasted 6yrs of being sober....Untill a few weeks later when I did it again. Over the past year it's returned to being a bad situation, even though I don't drink as “often” as I use to...now I drink in a more dangerous manner. A normal “drinking day” for me consists of starting to drink around 3-4PM, sitting in the back room listening to music and drinking the entire fifth of Vodka by about 9PM. Then cracking a 2nd fifth and I normally finish about half of the 2nd fifth by around 2-3am and pretty much blackout after than. Then the following two days I hardly even move from the bed. Use to be able to bounce back quickly when I was younger, but lately it takes me 2 full days to feel normal again. And as much as I tell myself I'm done and it wont happen again, soon as I get up and moving I am already planning the next binge. (Hence the username “DayWalker” as some friends jokingly accuse me of being a Vampire since I am normally up all night and dissapear for a few days at a time after wards.)
As of right now I have not drank since Monday night. But I honestly can't say how long that will last. I've thought of going back to AA meettings, but after a couple years of normal AA meetings as well as Primary Purpose meetings, as much as I hate to say it I just feel thats just not for me. I know as an addict none of us like to be told what to do or follow rules, but meetings to me were never what did me much good, I always resented them and many times left feeling more like drinking than I did before I went in. The thing that I think helped me the most was more just trying to live a peaceful life and not letting the things that I couldn't change bother me. Althought I dont know what the anwser really is, if I did then I wouldnt be here.
The thing about being an alcoholic that has always amazed me is the fact that I feel I am a smart person, I don't want to die like some people actually want to. I still have some loving family not far away, I make okay money, have good friends, I do have a very big heart and will do anything for anyone, I'm loving and caring...yet I find myself time and time again doing something that anyone with an I.Q over 50 know's what the outcome will be. Kind'a makes me wonder if I haven't lost my mind at times.
So don't really even know how I came across this forum last night but I did and after reading posts for about an hour I liked what I saw with all the support and thought it couldn't hurt to at least join and see what happens.
Steve
Last edited by DayWalker; 01-22-2009 at 01:04 AM.
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
hey Steve
Welcome!I Can so relate to your story - I also worked for myself perfect for my drinking!
AA has worked for me but I was in and out for about 18 months - it's only when I started the PROGRAM that it made sense and not only did I no longer resent it I LOVE/LOVED it! It's given me a whole new life. All I can suggest is what I know - but I do think you're in the right place right here on SR - it's where I discovered I was an alcoholic...so keep reading, keep an open mind...you are still quite young - lots of YETS if you want them - I hope you choose to do ANYTHING other than have those YETS!
Good luck and well done for acknowledging your problem with alcohol - active alcoholism is no way to live.
cathy31
x
Welcome!I Can so relate to your story - I also worked for myself perfect for my drinking!
AA has worked for me but I was in and out for about 18 months - it's only when I started the PROGRAM that it made sense and not only did I no longer resent it I LOVE/LOVED it! It's given me a whole new life. All I can suggest is what I know - but I do think you're in the right place right here on SR - it's where I discovered I was an alcoholic...so keep reading, keep an open mind...you are still quite young - lots of YETS if you want them - I hope you choose to do ANYTHING other than have those YETS!Good luck and well done for acknowledging your problem with alcohol - active alcoholism is no way to live.
cathy31
x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 758
Hi Cathy, thanks for the warm welcome. I still try to keep an open mind about AA, even though sometimes it doesn't seem like I do whenever I talk about my past experiences with it. I really think the Primary Purpose meetings I use to attend where part of what somewhat drove me away from AA. I attended them for about a year or more and was working the steps up to about Step 8 had a little disagreement about something to do with step 8 with my sponsor and it went downhill from there.
Although I hold some ill feeling for AA meetings due to some past experiances...I will certianlly keep an open mind about rejoining AA though, maybe a little time on this forum could actually help ease my transition back into meetings.
Although I hold some ill feeling for AA meetings due to some past experiances...I will certianlly keep an open mind about rejoining AA though, maybe a little time on this forum could actually help ease my transition back into meetings.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Hi Steve,
I can totally related, especially the self employed thing. I also go to AA and do not have any problems doing so, except for my traveling schedule. The traveling however does give me the option to visit AA meetings all over the USA, which is cool.
I can totally related, especially the self employed thing. I also go to AA and do not have any problems doing so, except for my traveling schedule. The traveling however does give me the option to visit AA meetings all over the USA, which is cool.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family, Steve!
I discovered SR in August, 2008. I was doing research on chirhosis of the liver when a post on SR popped up. Someone I know was hospitalized with cirhosis and other alcohol related complications. Turns out that person was diagnosed with cirhosis 5 years prior, had stayed sober 4 years, then picked back up. It was like fast forwarding through life, picking up was like never having stopped as far as her body was concerned. She and I are the same age! That was my wake-up call! I have been sober since that day.
When I found this site, the following link was helpful to me. It helped me understand why I could not control my drinking, why my attempts at moderation and abstinance were unsuccessful. My entire body was addicted to alcohol. Here's the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
I bought the book and read it cover to cover. I don't do AA, but a co-worker does and a lot of good people here at SR do AA. I take what I need from our conversations and leave the rest. You will find lots of support and information here. Best wishes!
I discovered SR in August, 2008. I was doing research on chirhosis of the liver when a post on SR popped up. Someone I know was hospitalized with cirhosis and other alcohol related complications. Turns out that person was diagnosed with cirhosis 5 years prior, had stayed sober 4 years, then picked back up. It was like fast forwarding through life, picking up was like never having stopped as far as her body was concerned. She and I are the same age! That was my wake-up call! I have been sober since that day.
When I found this site, the following link was helpful to me. It helped me understand why I could not control my drinking, why my attempts at moderation and abstinance were unsuccessful. My entire body was addicted to alcohol. Here's the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
I bought the book and read it cover to cover. I don't do AA, but a co-worker does and a lot of good people here at SR do AA. I take what I need from our conversations and leave the rest. You will find lots of support and information here. Best wishes!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: ca
Posts: 214
Hi Steve,
Your avatar really caught my attention. Evan Tanner inspired me a lot when he was able to give up the booze and get back into the UFC....sad what happened to him on his adventure in the end.
I have the same scenario as you when it comes to the benders, I will pull things together for weeks/months at a time, and then for whatever reason against my good judgement bust out a bender and be hurting for days after.
Good luck to you, I can tell you there are others out there just like you.
Your avatar really caught my attention. Evan Tanner inspired me a lot when he was able to give up the booze and get back into the UFC....sad what happened to him on his adventure in the end.
I have the same scenario as you when it comes to the benders, I will pull things together for weeks/months at a time, and then for whatever reason against my good judgement bust out a bender and be hurting for days after.
Good luck to you, I can tell you there are others out there just like you.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Welcome Steve! You've come to a great place for support and good advice. I hope we can help you want to stay sober. This place has helped me stay sober over six months now, and if I can do it, so can you!:ghug3
Eclectics Anonymous
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 286
Welcome Steve! There are a lot of programs available. I am sure the other members know more than I do but SMART looks to be a good program as an alternative to AA:
SMART Recovery® | Help with Alcohol, Drug, and Other Addictions
If you aren't already you might want to start taking some vitamins especially B Complexes. If you can't hold them down Emergen-C is good.
PS: Wow, I don't know what rock I have been under (well I guess I was in the process of moving 4 states away) but I can't believe Evan Tanner died. He fought like h*ll in his last fight with Grove. I just read his last blog post, strangely telling, and powerful at the same time.
SMART Recovery® | Help with Alcohol, Drug, and Other Addictions
If you aren't already you might want to start taking some vitamins especially B Complexes. If you can't hold them down Emergen-C is good.
PS: Wow, I don't know what rock I have been under (well I guess I was in the process of moving 4 states away) but I can't believe Evan Tanner died. He fought like h*ll in his last fight with Grove. I just read his last blog post, strangely telling, and powerful at the same time.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to our SR and our Alcoholism Forum....
I just came home from a meeting..
.I find them vital to my mental balance.
Glad you are here with us
Please do continue to post...
I just came home from a meeting..
.I find them vital to my mental balance.
Glad you are here with us
Please do continue to post...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 758
Thanks for the welcome everyone. Pelican I just finished reading that post you linked too, very good thing to read that's for sure! This line from that post is one that I can completely relate too....
Because for the past year that I started drinking again I have noticed that my hangovers are not the typical hangovers they use to be where I had bad headaches and felt sick. My hangovers now which take me out of commision for 2 days at a time seem to be more because of my mind making my body unable to function for a few days. It's almost like the shame/guilt and mental aspect of it are what keep's me down&out rather than any real physical hangover.
tjhook- Evan Tanner had somewhat of the same affect on me as well. I've always been a MMA fan but really was able to relate to Evan Tanner when I started reading his blog about a year before he died. The way he was so open and up front about his problems with drinking, and then the fact that it seemed like he finally got it all together for the 9 months before his last fight really inspired me. It truely was sad last fall when they found his body out there in the desert.
Again thanks for the welcome everyone. Just by getting up and reading the replays as well as some other posts here today has helped in at least some way to make sure that I stay sober at least for today. Don't know what tomorrow will bring but I'll tackle tomorrow when it gets here.
I'm not normally one to post a whole lot on sites like this, but that doesn't mean I'm not here. I'll be reading this site everyday so I will be around and taking in what I can to help myself from others posts and try to add something helpful if I can.
Steve
Alcoholics feel physically wretched during a hangover, but they also feel deeply and profoundly ashamed. From past experience, they know better, but they got drunk anyway -- why? Ignorant of the powerful workings of the addiction, the alcoholic can only blame himself. Remorse, self-loathing, and guilt therefore go hand in hand with the throbbing headache and queasy stomach ... "... the emotional pain which accompanies them -- the guilt, anxiety, self-accusation, the sense of hopelessness and despair ..." ... a very real and very painful physiological disorder.
tjhook- Evan Tanner had somewhat of the same affect on me as well. I've always been a MMA fan but really was able to relate to Evan Tanner when I started reading his blog about a year before he died. The way he was so open and up front about his problems with drinking, and then the fact that it seemed like he finally got it all together for the 9 months before his last fight really inspired me. It truely was sad last fall when they found his body out there in the desert.
Again thanks for the welcome everyone. Just by getting up and reading the replays as well as some other posts here today has helped in at least some way to make sure that I stay sober at least for today. Don't know what tomorrow will bring but I'll tackle tomorrow when it gets here.
I'm not normally one to post a whole lot on sites like this, but that doesn't mean I'm not here. I'll be reading this site everyday so I will be around and taking in what I can to help myself from others posts and try to add something helpful if I can.
Steve
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by DayWalker 
Because for the past year that I started drinking again I have noticed that my hangovers are not the typical hangovers they use to be where I had bad headaches and felt sick. My hangovers now which take me out of commision for 2 days at a time seem to be more because of my mind making my body unable to function for a few days. It's almost like the shame/guilt and mental aspect of it are what keep's me down&out rather than any real physical hangover.
Steve
Steve
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I can relate to the hangovers that took on a life of their own. My last "bad" night took days to recover from. Physically and mentally.
Coming here just to read some days is a big help. Reading the experiences of others that have more sober time, is helpful. Reading the experiences of newbies just starting out, is helpful, it keeps it green. (keeps it fresh in my mind what I went through to get and stay sober)
Keep on keeping on!
Coming here just to read some days is a big help. Reading the experiences of others that have more sober time, is helpful. Reading the experiences of newbies just starting out, is helpful, it keeps it green. (keeps it fresh in my mind what I went through to get and stay sober)
Keep on keeping on!
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