Significant others...drink/not drink?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 235
Significant others...drink/not drink?
Hello all. I previously posted this in a daily support thread...but it was suggested that I may get more experienced responses here. I've been sober for almost 5 months, (Nov 1st), and have been living with my boyfriend of one year for about two months now.
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Hey guys. I'm kind of having a bad day...i'm not tempted to drink, it's a different kind of "bad day."
Anyway, I was just wondering what you guys think of my situation. As I've said before, when I stopped drinking my boyfriend did as well. I never said "You can't drink"...he willingly stopped, said he would no longer drink, that it wasn't a big deal to him, etc. It was obvious from the begining that our relationship simply wouldn't work if alcohol was involved in ANY way. It was obvious that I couldn't be exposed to it at all; especially early on. He doesn't have a problem with drinking, but when we first met he went out a few nights a week with his friends, and drank a fair amount. As I've mentioned earlier I moved in with him about 2 months ago and it's been going great.
Well, this past Saturday was his 10 year high school reunion. He asked if I wanted to go but I had no interest what so ever in going. He didn't push it at all, if anything I felt like he maybe didn't want me to go.
So he goes...and while I normally LOVE my alone time, I felt sick to my stomach thinking that he would possibly go to this reunion and drink. It's difficult for me to comprehend why that bothered me so much. It just did. AND it's extremely, EXTREMELY triggering to me. He is always super attentive with text messaging, etc. Well some time around 9pm the texts stopped. I didn't hear from him until the next morning. I was absolutely IRATE. I just knew that he had gone and gotten drunk. The thought of him being around girls he used to know in HS didn't bother me in the LEAST...but the idea of him going and drinking, while knowing how it would effect me, killed me.
So today I'm on facebook and see that one of his friends posted some pictures, one of which was of him holding a drink. I totally lost it. I was pissed off as all hell and suddenly felt sick to my stomach. I immediately sent him a txt asking if he drank at the reunion to which he said, "i did" He told me that he realized that after Sat night that it was something he didn't miss, never wanted to do again, etc. I just can't help but be...extremely mad...and hurt.
Am I being unreasonable? I feel like a damn crazy person. I mean, I can honestly handle just about anything...but him going out and drinking is something that I just CANNOT handle. I told him that, threatened to move out, etc. I feel like I am overeacting...but at the same time I guess I can't help how I feel.
What do you guys think?
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This was last Saturday and I have since calmed down. Him and I have discussed it and he has apologized and said that it will never happen again. I just don't want to feel like I'm asking too much.
For some reason it is still bothering me...I can't seem to shake it completely...I just keep thinking about what was going through his mind when he decided to drink.
Thanks in advance for any advice/experience/opinions!
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Hey guys. I'm kind of having a bad day...i'm not tempted to drink, it's a different kind of "bad day."
Anyway, I was just wondering what you guys think of my situation. As I've said before, when I stopped drinking my boyfriend did as well. I never said "You can't drink"...he willingly stopped, said he would no longer drink, that it wasn't a big deal to him, etc. It was obvious from the begining that our relationship simply wouldn't work if alcohol was involved in ANY way. It was obvious that I couldn't be exposed to it at all; especially early on. He doesn't have a problem with drinking, but when we first met he went out a few nights a week with his friends, and drank a fair amount. As I've mentioned earlier I moved in with him about 2 months ago and it's been going great.
Well, this past Saturday was his 10 year high school reunion. He asked if I wanted to go but I had no interest what so ever in going. He didn't push it at all, if anything I felt like he maybe didn't want me to go.
So he goes...and while I normally LOVE my alone time, I felt sick to my stomach thinking that he would possibly go to this reunion and drink. It's difficult for me to comprehend why that bothered me so much. It just did. AND it's extremely, EXTREMELY triggering to me. He is always super attentive with text messaging, etc. Well some time around 9pm the texts stopped. I didn't hear from him until the next morning. I was absolutely IRATE. I just knew that he had gone and gotten drunk. The thought of him being around girls he used to know in HS didn't bother me in the LEAST...but the idea of him going and drinking, while knowing how it would effect me, killed me.
So today I'm on facebook and see that one of his friends posted some pictures, one of which was of him holding a drink. I totally lost it. I was pissed off as all hell and suddenly felt sick to my stomach. I immediately sent him a txt asking if he drank at the reunion to which he said, "i did" He told me that he realized that after Sat night that it was something he didn't miss, never wanted to do again, etc. I just can't help but be...extremely mad...and hurt.
Am I being unreasonable? I feel like a damn crazy person. I mean, I can honestly handle just about anything...but him going out and drinking is something that I just CANNOT handle. I told him that, threatened to move out, etc. I feel like I am overeacting...but at the same time I guess I can't help how I feel.
What do you guys think?
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This was last Saturday and I have since calmed down. Him and I have discussed it and he has apologized and said that it will never happen again. I just don't want to feel like I'm asking too much.
For some reason it is still bothering me...I can't seem to shake it completely...I just keep thinking about what was going through his mind when he decided to drink.
Thanks in advance for any advice/experience/opinions!
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
IMHO you're being unreasonable.
It's one thing to ask that alcohol not be brought into the home you share or even to ask that someone not drink when you're around. But to expect that someone behave a certain way when you're not around is asking too much. Just my opinion.
In addition, how do you expect to control something that's out of your control?
It's one thing to ask that alcohol not be brought into the home you share or even to ask that someone not drink when you're around. But to expect that someone behave a certain way when you're not around is asking too much. Just my opinion.
In addition, how do you expect to control something that's out of your control?
Hmmm.
Well, you have a right to state what you are willing to accept in a relationship and what you are not. It seems to me that you know what you can live with and what you can not so as long as your boyfriend is willing to abide by those requirements, all should be good.
But in my opinion, yes, you are being too demanding. Do you flip out when other people drink or are you ever around anyone that drinks? Or just the boyfriend?
You know that you can not control anyone but yourself, right? And you need to stay focused on you and your sobriety. Are you involved in a recovery program at all? AA or anything? I apologize, I just do not know your story.
I am married to a normie that rarely drinks. In fact, we have had a 6 pack of beer in our outside fridge for over a year. The few times he has drank, it has been when he is out with his buddies so I am not around it much. He had a drink when we went out to dinner on our 10th anniversary but he only had one, so it did not bother me. I would not want to be around him if he got drunk but I know lots of people that socially drink and it does not bother me. I believe that this is because I work very hard to live the 12 steps of AA and I work to keep myself spiritually fit.
Now I do have to say that I am very honest about what I can live with and what i can not as well. We had our adult niece stay over with us after a wedding a couple weeks ago. They drank Malibu rum and cokes (my hubby had one or two as well). After she left the next day, she left the open bottle of Malibu rum in over freezer. It made me uncomfortable. After two days, (I have been sober a year and a half) I finally had to ask my husband to get rid of it. I knew he would forget about it and it would sit there for a year like the beer and that it would make me squirrely now and then. I felt stupid asking. After all, it has been over a year and he does not understand my alcoholism. It took me 2 days to ask him to throw it out and he did not blink. Just said ok, walked over, got it and poured it down the sink, end of discussion.
So I guess what I am trying to say is that you have EVERY right to your feelings and your boundaries. But if I were you, I would focus on my own recovery and not worry so much what other people are doing, especially if they are not alcoholics.
Well, you have a right to state what you are willing to accept in a relationship and what you are not. It seems to me that you know what you can live with and what you can not so as long as your boyfriend is willing to abide by those requirements, all should be good.
But in my opinion, yes, you are being too demanding. Do you flip out when other people drink or are you ever around anyone that drinks? Or just the boyfriend?
You know that you can not control anyone but yourself, right? And you need to stay focused on you and your sobriety. Are you involved in a recovery program at all? AA or anything? I apologize, I just do not know your story.
I am married to a normie that rarely drinks. In fact, we have had a 6 pack of beer in our outside fridge for over a year. The few times he has drank, it has been when he is out with his buddies so I am not around it much. He had a drink when we went out to dinner on our 10th anniversary but he only had one, so it did not bother me. I would not want to be around him if he got drunk but I know lots of people that socially drink and it does not bother me. I believe that this is because I work very hard to live the 12 steps of AA and I work to keep myself spiritually fit.
Now I do have to say that I am very honest about what I can live with and what i can not as well. We had our adult niece stay over with us after a wedding a couple weeks ago. They drank Malibu rum and cokes (my hubby had one or two as well). After she left the next day, she left the open bottle of Malibu rum in over freezer. It made me uncomfortable. After two days, (I have been sober a year and a half) I finally had to ask my husband to get rid of it. I knew he would forget about it and it would sit there for a year like the beer and that it would make me squirrely now and then. I felt stupid asking. After all, it has been over a year and he does not understand my alcoholism. It took me 2 days to ask him to throw it out and he did not blink. Just said ok, walked over, got it and poured it down the sink, end of discussion.
So I guess what I am trying to say is that you have EVERY right to your feelings and your boundaries. But if I were you, I would focus on my own recovery and not worry so much what other people are doing, especially if they are not alcoholics.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: VA
Posts: 85
Yes, I think you're being unreasonable. I don't think asking someone to avoid drinking around you or to keep alcohol out of the house, especially when one is early in recovery, is unreasonable. But, this goes a little too far IMHO.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
I am not an alcoholic -- I'm Al Anon. I am pretty active in program locally and attend a lot of AA meetings in addition to my Al Anon meetings. At this point in my life, I socialize on a regular basis with very few people who drink.
And sometimes that's a problem for me, because I do like to drink once in awhile and I especially like to have a glass of wine with a nice meal. It's funny that you brought this up today because I was just down south of here visiting some retired clients of mine for lunch today.....and it was really nice to have a glass of wine with them.
My ex was an alcoholic. She had not had a drink in over 25 years and being around alcohol or around people who were drinking socially was not a problem for her. The deal between us was that if I was drinking, she was not going to be kissing me -- and that's fine. I totally get that, and, since I drink very rarely, it was never a problem.
I guess for me -- whether it is alcohol or anything else that one person in a couple wants to do and can do safely, but that the other person cannot -- it would be very, very problematic if a partner expected me to totally give up and/or abstain from something (alcohol or any other substance or activity) that I wanted to do and could do and enjoy safely just because she/he could not. That, to me, smacks way too much of emeshment and insecurity and serious control issues, and , really, I personally would not want to be in relationship with someone like that.
Of course, depending on the situation, there certainly might have to be some reasonable qualifications / boundaries / limitations -- like maybe not having it at home but being able to have it when out somewhere, etc....
Also, just from a recovery perspective, my ex's recovery does not and cannot depend on what I or anyone else does or says or thinks, just as my own recovery cannot safely depend on whether or not she drinks or is dry or is sober. In other words, your recovery is your deal and your deal alone, and, in order for it to be strong and healthy, it cannot depend on what he or anyone else is doing, saying, thinking.
I think maybe that it might be helpful for you to think about, pray over, and discuss with some sober friends your feelings around all of this and what exactly they're about and where they're coming from. Because, truly, if you know that he is not an alcoholic and is capable of drinking socially, and yet you still have such an irrational and extreme reaction to his doing so (I'm taking you at your word that your reaction is to his drinking and not to his failing to come home until the next day, etc.....), that is most likely indicative on some issues of your own that need to be identified and worked on........and trying to displace those issues onto him and make them his problem and his responsibility will probably not be a good thing for your relationship.
freya
And sometimes that's a problem for me, because I do like to drink once in awhile and I especially like to have a glass of wine with a nice meal. It's funny that you brought this up today because I was just down south of here visiting some retired clients of mine for lunch today.....and it was really nice to have a glass of wine with them.
My ex was an alcoholic. She had not had a drink in over 25 years and being around alcohol or around people who were drinking socially was not a problem for her. The deal between us was that if I was drinking, she was not going to be kissing me -- and that's fine. I totally get that, and, since I drink very rarely, it was never a problem.
I guess for me -- whether it is alcohol or anything else that one person in a couple wants to do and can do safely, but that the other person cannot -- it would be very, very problematic if a partner expected me to totally give up and/or abstain from something (alcohol or any other substance or activity) that I wanted to do and could do and enjoy safely just because she/he could not. That, to me, smacks way too much of emeshment and insecurity and serious control issues, and , really, I personally would not want to be in relationship with someone like that.
Of course, depending on the situation, there certainly might have to be some reasonable qualifications / boundaries / limitations -- like maybe not having it at home but being able to have it when out somewhere, etc....
Also, just from a recovery perspective, my ex's recovery does not and cannot depend on what I or anyone else does or says or thinks, just as my own recovery cannot safely depend on whether or not she drinks or is dry or is sober. In other words, your recovery is your deal and your deal alone, and, in order for it to be strong and healthy, it cannot depend on what he or anyone else is doing, saying, thinking.
I think maybe that it might be helpful for you to think about, pray over, and discuss with some sober friends your feelings around all of this and what exactly they're about and where they're coming from. Because, truly, if you know that he is not an alcoholic and is capable of drinking socially, and yet you still have such an irrational and extreme reaction to his doing so (I'm taking you at your word that your reaction is to his drinking and not to his failing to come home until the next day, etc.....), that is most likely indicative on some issues of your own that need to be identified and worked on........and trying to displace those issues onto him and make them his problem and his responsibility will probably not be a good thing for your relationship.
freya
Who's recovery program are you working on, his or yours? Your BF has done nothing wrong. He went to his reunion and had a good time. He's allowed to do that! You sat home and had a major pity party, developing one hell of a resentment in the process. You didn't mention if you were in AA. If you're not, then get thee to some meetings. If you've been and decided you didn't like it, then go back and try again. And if you're absolutely convinced that AA isn't gonna work, then you'd better have a Plan B handy. Resentments are the worst possible thing for aloholics to develop. It's a guarantee that Happy Hour is just around the corner.
Stop worrying about your BF. Work on your own sobriety and recovery. You'd be far better off going to a meeting on a Saturday night than staying home feeling sorry for yourself. And be thankful you've got a guy who's as patient and understanding as he seems to be.
Stop worrying about your BF. Work on your own sobriety and recovery. You'd be far better off going to a meeting on a Saturday night than staying home feeling sorry for yourself. And be thankful you've got a guy who's as patient and understanding as he seems to be.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 235
Thanks for the responses everyone... I do know that I can't control him. I guess the main underlying issue I had with the whole situation was that he had basically been telling me for the past 5 months that he was done drinking. I never asked him to stop drinking. I don't think it would have bothered me as much if all along it was a known fact between us that he would continue to drink socially from time to time...but that wasn't the case. He made a huge point to make me think he was done. I know he has the right intentions by doing so...but I never expected that from him. However, since it has been that way throughout my recovery process, the thought of him drinking now throws me off balance...
I felt like he didn't want me to know that he had drank at the reunion...like he was hiding it from me. It doesn't bother me at all when anyone else drinks around me. My friends, family members, etc. I can easily be around it and not feel tempted. There's even alcohol in my house. For some reason, which I can't seem to pin-point...the thought of HIM drinking bothers me. I really hate feeling like this...and I'm trying to work through it and get over it...
In response to the AA question, no, I have not been attending AA meetings. Perhaps it would be good for me. The resentment that I built up as a result of Saturday night is unhealthy...and unneccesary....I know. Hell, maybe I'm just jealous that he can do it and I can't...
Thanks again everyone.
I felt like he didn't want me to know that he had drank at the reunion...like he was hiding it from me. It doesn't bother me at all when anyone else drinks around me. My friends, family members, etc. I can easily be around it and not feel tempted. There's even alcohol in my house. For some reason, which I can't seem to pin-point...the thought of HIM drinking bothers me. I really hate feeling like this...and I'm trying to work through it and get over it...
In response to the AA question, no, I have not been attending AA meetings. Perhaps it would be good for me. The resentment that I built up as a result of Saturday night is unhealthy...and unneccesary....I know. Hell, maybe I'm just jealous that he can do it and I can't...
Thanks again everyone.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: VA
Posts: 85
You know, for a while, after my AH decided to quit drinking, I avoided saying anything to him if I had a drink or two with a girlfriend after work or at a function. If we went anywhere together, I would also avoid drinking anything in front of him even if I would have liked a glass of wine. I was always afraid I would interfere with his recovery. I don't think that now although I still don't keep alcohol in the house.
Your boyfriend may have thought he was supporting your recovery. In my AH's group counseling, he would hear from others who's significant others were more upset about losing their drinking buddies than supporting their recovery. It sounds like he cares a lot about you.
Your boyfriend may have thought he was supporting your recovery. In my AH's group counseling, he would hear from others who's significant others were more upset about losing their drinking buddies than supporting their recovery. It sounds like he cares a lot about you.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Laramie, WY
Posts: 85
I'm lucky to have a boyfriend who doesn't drink, because I don't think I could do this otherwise.
If I was in your situation and he had drank, I would be angry. The logical side of me says this is ridiculous and he has been so supportive and just drinking one weekend at a special occasion should not be a big deal at all...but it would still bother me. Maybe I'm too new at this sobriety thing and am still very fragile, but I would be hurt. Especially if he had told me he wasn't drinking either because I would feel like we were in this together and if he caved in and drank on just this weekend, that would tempt me to drink on my next special occasion.
When I first read your post, I was thinking you were being controlling, but when I actually put myself in your shoes, I can't say I would have done anything differently...
If I was in your situation and he had drank, I would be angry. The logical side of me says this is ridiculous and he has been so supportive and just drinking one weekend at a special occasion should not be a big deal at all...but it would still bother me. Maybe I'm too new at this sobriety thing and am still very fragile, but I would be hurt. Especially if he had told me he wasn't drinking either because I would feel like we were in this together and if he caved in and drank on just this weekend, that would tempt me to drink on my next special occasion.
When I first read your post, I was thinking you were being controlling, but when I actually put myself in your shoes, I can't say I would have done anything differently...
You need to reach a point in your recovery where his drinking does not give you a resentment or your relationship is doomed. Work on what you can fix in your own life and detach from trying to change him. You might even want to try Al-Anon if it continues to bug you.
Boleo wrote:
excellent! well done. well said.
First things first - and that's become sober.
That means far more than just not drinking.
Learn to embrace the good life offered each of us in sobriety,
then at some future time examine the situation.
I think you'll find your opinions will have changed.
I, too, have enormous scars from betrayals,
and it *is* harder to learn something has been done behind one's back
than it is to just come out with whatever it is.
I DO understand that.
But my reaction in early recovery to something
is not what my reaction today would be.
You need to reach a point in your recovery where his drinking does not give you a resentment or your relationship is doomed. Work on what you can fix in your own life and detach from trying to change him. You might even want to try Al-Anon if it continues to bug you.
First things first - and that's become sober.
That means far more than just not drinking.
Learn to embrace the good life offered each of us in sobriety,
then at some future time examine the situation.
I think you'll find your opinions will have changed.
I, too, have enormous scars from betrayals,
and it *is* harder to learn something has been done behind one's back
than it is to just come out with whatever it is.
I DO understand that.
But my reaction in early recovery to something
is not what my reaction today would be.
I saw someone (Boleo or Astro or ??) write this a few days ago and it is probably worth repeating ...
Abstinence is not drinking and feeling bad about it.
Recovery is not drinking and feeling good about it.
If you feel good about not drinking, then you wouldn't care what others do because you are happy to not drink.
Abstinence is not drinking and feeling bad about it.
Recovery is not drinking and feeling good about it.
If you feel good about not drinking, then you wouldn't care what others do because you are happy to not drink.
I look at it this way... I'm the alcoholic, not him. If he wants to enjoy a drink or three while we are on the gig or out somewhere, that is fine with me... Maybe I have a little twinge of jealousy but I'm also happy for him that he can enjoy it without making a mess of his life.
Plus, he always has a designated driver. For YEARS, he was mine... I have not yet begun to touch that particular "debt" (not that either of us considers it such).
Plus, he always has a designated driver. For YEARS, he was mine... I have not yet begun to touch that particular "debt" (not that either of us considers it such).
My wife drinks her one tall white wine spritzer every night... She is not alcoholic. When I got back from rehab, she didn't stop doing that.
It was not pretty.... not pretty at all....
Major resentment on her part.... I had caused some mighty big problems with my adventures that led to some pretty serious consequences. And, as she so pointedly reminded me, I didn't quit drinking when she was pregnant four times.... and why would she quit just because I couldn't drink, I was the one with the problem, I f'ed up, not her.....
Me?? OMG... in early recovery I was a basket case... I could have just gone to bed, but I hated to go alone... I would go in another room, log on to SR, play solitaire, whatever and wait until she was done. And I'd sit in my resentment... "How can she do this to me".... "It's not fair, she can and I can't"....
It was all about me!
The first tool I used was recommended by my sponsor.... He said, "If that was your best friend, would you expect him, not want him, to have a drink?" well, of course not.... "She's also your best friend, right??"
It's not all about me! When I finally got to the point in my recovery, yes, through AA, that I understood it was not all about me, the resentment vanished....
So, now it's fine.... Yea, some nights, but not most, not even many, I am wistful about the days I could have one with her... But it passes quickly. I have serenity now. And it's because I don't drink and I work a program of recovery.
Live and Let Live....
Mark
I think your idea about going to AA to work out resentments and such is a great one! The thing I have found most of all in my 9+ month sober journey, is that drinking was not my major issue. The thing that has really made a difference in my life, was learning new ways to think and new coping strategies, working a program if you will.
No one can make me feel anything, I am in charge of me. If I am really mad at someone, I find it is much more productive to look in the mirror and decide why I am mad (which is usually because I am hurt or afraid), and what the healthiest way to handle that is. 9 times out of ten, it ends up being something I need to work on and has nothing to do what so ever with the other person.
No one can make me feel anything, I am in charge of me. If I am really mad at someone, I find it is much more productive to look in the mirror and decide why I am mad (which is usually because I am hurt or afraid), and what the healthiest way to handle that is. 9 times out of ten, it ends up being something I need to work on and has nothing to do what so ever with the other person.
Here's my experience.
I'm an alcoholic, my husband is not. In the beginning of my sobriety, we had a few hiccups over him getting drunk on weekends. We had a discussion about it, it ceased. That didn't mean I tried to make him stop drinking, I just asked him to drink responsibly. I don't think that's an outrageous request. And that he did. (Drinking responsibly...what a concept. Oh the enigma that is the normal person... )
There is beer in our fridge. His friends come over on occasion and have a few beers. When we go out to eat on Saturdays, he orders 1 stinking beer with his meal. And this is all okay with me. It's important to realize that you can't impose your agenda on others, and the world will keep on, even after you've made a life changing decision.
Now, a huge reason this is all okay with me is becasue of what I have learned in AA, and all the support of my sober friends. Best of luck to you and congrats on your sobriety.
I'm an alcoholic, my husband is not. In the beginning of my sobriety, we had a few hiccups over him getting drunk on weekends. We had a discussion about it, it ceased. That didn't mean I tried to make him stop drinking, I just asked him to drink responsibly. I don't think that's an outrageous request. And that he did. (Drinking responsibly...what a concept. Oh the enigma that is the normal person... )
There is beer in our fridge. His friends come over on occasion and have a few beers. When we go out to eat on Saturdays, he orders 1 stinking beer with his meal. And this is all okay with me. It's important to realize that you can't impose your agenda on others, and the world will keep on, even after you've made a life changing decision.
Now, a huge reason this is all okay with me is becasue of what I have learned in AA, and all the support of my sober friends. Best of luck to you and congrats on your sobriety.
There's absolutely nothing I can say that hasn't been said other than to share my experience..
When I quit drinking, my husband did too.. for a while. Well, for a few months anyways. I KNEW that was unreasonable, he is not an alcoholic, and I know was only not drinking out of 'respect' for me and my early fragile sobriety. I appreciated it. It's been over a year.. and my recovery is stronger than it was then. While I wouldn't want liquor in the house, or to hang out with him while he had a drink in his hand.. he does drink. Maybe once a week, maybe 2 beers or glasses of wine.. never in the home. My non-drinking has absolutely nothing to do with him, and his drinking has absolutely nothing to do with me. I am HAPPY not to drink.. the only thing that annoys me is the smell lol.
HOWEVER, I totally agree, if now that you're sober.. being with a drinker is a "deal breaker" of sorts.. then that's your right to draw a line and maybe find someone who doesn't drink.
Yeah, I do think you're overreacting hun Work on you.. decide what you'll accept in your life and in a partner, and carry on.
When I quit drinking, my husband did too.. for a while. Well, for a few months anyways. I KNEW that was unreasonable, he is not an alcoholic, and I know was only not drinking out of 'respect' for me and my early fragile sobriety. I appreciated it. It's been over a year.. and my recovery is stronger than it was then. While I wouldn't want liquor in the house, or to hang out with him while he had a drink in his hand.. he does drink. Maybe once a week, maybe 2 beers or glasses of wine.. never in the home. My non-drinking has absolutely nothing to do with him, and his drinking has absolutely nothing to do with me. I am HAPPY not to drink.. the only thing that annoys me is the smell lol.
HOWEVER, I totally agree, if now that you're sober.. being with a drinker is a "deal breaker" of sorts.. then that's your right to draw a line and maybe find someone who doesn't drink.
Yeah, I do think you're overreacting hun Work on you.. decide what you'll accept in your life and in a partner, and carry on.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 235
Wow, lots of great insightful responses. After thinking about this for the past couple of days I'm really starting to see things a bit more clearly. It's obvoius to me now that I'm just very resentful that he can continue to do something that I can't. Although the majority of my drinking episodes ending horribly, there were those times when it was fun and innocent. I guess there is a part of me that misses being able to go out, socilalize, and have a GOOD drinking experience. Unfortunately those times have ended for me...the "good drinking experiences" were few and far between in the end.
Something else that struck home for me was the response that hit on responsible drinking. My boyfriend definitely used to do his share of irresponsible drinking. Whether or not this reunion outing was of a responsible fashion or not, I do not know. I just assumed it was an out of control drinking binge...mostly because he came home and went straight to bed. If I had known for a fact it was just a few beers I may not have spazzed out quite as much as I did.
Another thing that I try to keep in mind is how much I hurt him before I got sober. We dated for about 5 months where drinking was involved. I did/said terrible things...I was completely out of control and at rock bottom. He never left my side or turned his back on me despite my antics. I would become a completely different person when I was drunk, but he always saw the sober me...and wanted that person. He has been the most amazingly supportive person before I stopped drinking and after. I seriously couldn't ask for anything more. For this reason, I really need to cut him some slack and let my resentment go...This is my issue, not his.
Something else that struck home for me was the response that hit on responsible drinking. My boyfriend definitely used to do his share of irresponsible drinking. Whether or not this reunion outing was of a responsible fashion or not, I do not know. I just assumed it was an out of control drinking binge...mostly because he came home and went straight to bed. If I had known for a fact it was just a few beers I may not have spazzed out quite as much as I did.
Another thing that I try to keep in mind is how much I hurt him before I got sober. We dated for about 5 months where drinking was involved. I did/said terrible things...I was completely out of control and at rock bottom. He never left my side or turned his back on me despite my antics. I would become a completely different person when I was drunk, but he always saw the sober me...and wanted that person. He has been the most amazingly supportive person before I stopped drinking and after. I seriously couldn't ask for anything more. For this reason, I really need to cut him some slack and let my resentment go...This is my issue, not his.
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