debs

I'm intimately familiar with that triangle!

Taking5

There is a devil's triangle down here on the gulf coast too. I am lucky I made it out alive.

DayWalker

Sorry typo there and I forgot to say what step. I never got past Step 8 (make amends)


Far as feeling like they were telling me what to do, I'll explain that a bit better so you know what I'm trying to say.

When I was going to meetings for a number of yrs I started going to normal AA meetings for about the first year. Then after about a year I meet a guy through my work that was going to Primary Purpose AA meetings and after becoming good friends with him I started going to the Primary purpose style meetings. Not sure if anyone here goes to those style meetings but just to give it in a nutshell... Primary purpose AA meetings are I guess what you would call "hardcore" AA meetings. I guess that's the best way I know of to describe it. It was an all men's group and the average meetings would last about 2 hrs per meeting and would meet 2-3 times per week.

It's hard for me to explain EXACTLY what it was about that group or that style of meeting that turned me off of them but I'll try to sum it up as short as I can. One thing was (and I still remember this to this day) the first meeting with them I walked into I was told they would "break me down to build me back up". Now that right there just rubbed me the wrong way to start with. I was already broken when I walked in so breaking me down more is something I didn't need at the time. Then at that time I did get a sponsor, whom was about 10 yrs younger than me so that seemed a bit weird to me for some reason to have to feel like I'm anwsering to a "kid" every day. The other thing that really blew my mind was after I had this sponsor for about 6 months I found out that he had only drank once in his entire life. Now I'm not saying maybe he wasn't an alcoholic because there's no time frame that you have to drink to be an alcoholic, but if I said that fact that he was my sponsor and only drank once in his life didn't seem weird to me then I'd me lying. Another incident with the group I was going to at the time was how I got basically talked down to one night after I didn't attend the normal meeting. It was my nephew B-day so I spent the time with my family that night rather than go to the meeting. And when I talked to my sponsor later that night I basicly got told the meetings are the most important thing and everything else comes after meetings. At the time I was over a year sober so having this kid tell me I was wrong for spending my nephews B day with the family rather than sit at the meeting when I was doing well at the time was something that really PO'ed me. I stopped going to meetings and calling him after that.

So that's some of why my experiances with AA left me with a bit of a sour taste for meetings I guess.

I can completely relate to the whole feeling superior thing as well and I don;t deny that at all. I know that's always been part of my problem. Not that I feel "better" than anyone else but I've always been the type of person that didn't like to not be in control of my own life (which is strange since I give alcohol control of my life I know). But after my dad died when I was still pretty much somewhat of a kid I had to take on some of the responsibilities of the family before I was really ready to do so. So now I'm just use to being the one that takes control at times and it's hard for me to truely let someone else help me or admit I can't do something.

Sorry for the long post, tried to keep it as short as I could and still explain a bit about "why" I feel like I do.

Thanks
Steve

FightingIrish

A friend of mine tells me about that kind group in the city - he calls it an "accountability group". I guess to each his own...not for me at the particular moment I got sober, but I don't doubt that some people are helped by that sort of thing.

Someone or a group of someones telling me what I can and can't do has zero effect on my willingness and on top of that just pisses me off. For me, someone who is happily sober telling me, "this is what I did", is a strong message with depth and weight. For some it seems that is not a strong message. For some, "if you want what I have, do what I did" is not a logical proposition.

When my sponsor asked me, was I willing to go to any length, I thought the answer was obvious: "yes". But I guess it's not always obvious. "Here, push this button, it'll get better." *person does nothing*

Oh well.

naive

hi daywalker-

you could always try another group that's not so intense. you're not making it alone so i don't see any alternative other than try another group or keep the drinking cycle going. i guess you could work the steps 8- 12 solo and see if there is a breakthru of sorts, but the program is really designed to be a fellowhsip and the support that offers helps make it through the rough spots.

you might want to explore why you got stuck on number 8 and perhaps try to revisit it and push through whatever is blocking you.

i go to a mixed alanon and AA meeting and i benefit from both sides of the fence offered there. it's also a good mix of genders, which might work out better for you.

keep reaching out for help and i would imagine that something will come your way. it seems to work like that in my own experience.

naive

jamdls

The whole AA sponser thing rubbed me the wrong way from day 1, I was not about to "report to" anyone, especially this particular woman who had relapsed numerous times and told me that "everyone relapses". However, what I did take from AA, (I only went to meeting for the first couple of months), was the step work and most importantly, turning to God. I also happen to have a best friend, who happens to my father, who has been sober for 25 years that I talk to every day. Having someone that understand and has been there has been vital to my recovery.

CarolD

The only time I hear about these types of AA groups is on line.
Obviously...some alcoholics find them beneficial
and choose to attend. Good for them!

Me? My recovery works quite well useing God and "regular" AA
Millions of ua are doing the same. Good for us!

However....
I don't intend my share to be about "us and them"
Or even about AA.
Of course...alcoholics do recover in different ways.

I sincerely hope everyone finds their way to live
helthy productive lives....regardless of how they do it.

DayWalker

Thanks everyone. I did forget to mention one positive point. The other day I called a friend who is a minister for a Christian radio station over in PA. It was the first time we've talked in about a year and it was really good to talk to him for a bit. We're going to stay more in touch with each other now. It's not exactly a "sponsor" type thing per say. But He's always been a good friend and we have a lot in common with the fact that he enjoys fishing&outdoors like I do (that's how we meet a few years ago on a fishing website). We had just let our friendship drift a part there for the past year or so for some reason. Plus he had some issues with drinking himself back before he became a minister so I know he can relate to me pretty well.

So at least now I do have him that I can get a hold of when I need to talk. And he's already said he's more than happy to help me with the spiritual side of things when I need it. Which I do appreciate having that there when I want to talk about that rather than having it thrust upon me. So that is one good thing going for me right now.

Steve

shaun00

Thanks for your post.....
heres my experience.

i got into AA maybe 11 years ago.
i did hundreds of meetings....i failed to see the program of recovery.

i thought aa was the program of recovery....i mean all i gotta do is turn up right..
i kept getting drunk......confused and humilated.......everyone else seemed to stay sober just doing meetings..

sure the book was read at the beginning...but thats for the "god" people right?

park you butt and dont drink......keep coming back.....dont drink even if your ass falls of.........the program will "get" you.
"share your resentments with the group and take the power out of them"..
do ninety in ninety and your gonna be fine.....blah blah blah.

why is it me thats different ....why is it me that cant "get it"........
none of that helped me.......in fact all it did was made me feel different.

maybe i was.........maybe i was the only real alcoholic there.....who knows
all i know is im not gonna stay sober by just doing aa.

and im not gonna stay sober by just doing parts of the program.........
i was approached by a guy that said he had found a solution to feeling like i did.

to be fair i think i frighten alot of people off that maybe would have helped me with the program.....and enlighten me.
i was a pretty crazey dry alcoholic.....agressive and blunt...and some
confusing at the time but becoming more focused over the years and i can see what happen.

i wanted an easier softer route.......
i now know that in fact.....the twelve steps.....1 through to 12.....is the easier softer route..imo.

maybe try switching focus here.......focus on the steps and get a step sponsor.....
get the big book out and do some study.....
ask god for help and direction......

what you got to lose?......apart from a bit of ego.

sfgirl

Ok, that is the craziest thing I have ever read. I have to say that my least favorite conversation/argument ever is the who is an "real" alcoholic one. But you can't be an alcoholic after drinking once, I don't care what anyone says. I really hope he didn't think alcohol was his drug of choice.

Overall, that experience with the Primary Purpose group definitely was off-putting. I have a question though— what prompted you to keep going back? It seemed like there were so many things that didn't work for you, yet you kept going. I think some people pull this, follow directions, you will get sober, but I am more of the camp, of if you can quiet yourself down and follow your gut instinct that is your ultimate guide. That being said maybe you need to shop around for the right AA group and find an older, wiser sponsor with gray hair and lots of wrinkles (I could never have a younger sponsor, totally get that) to guide you through the steps. You could just start doing the 90/90 thing and for the first ones make it a point to go to 10 different meetings in different locations, with different attitudes and listen to your gut. When you hear people you connect with ask them what meetings they go to and stick close to that group and wait a little bit to ask someone to be your sponsor. I definitely think you can have a very different experience in AA than you had before. I think though that you have to feel that you are allowed to advocate for yourself— don't just take anything that anyone tells you in the rooms as absolute truth, or as more valid than your own feelings because they are "more recovered."

DayWalker

And I agree on that. I never did directly talk to him (my sponsor) about that issue but he was also the sponsor of another guy in that group that I became friends with and I did talk to him one time while we were fishing together about it. And I got the whole "Well some people are lucky and realize they have a problem right off the bat and others it takes years & years to realize it" so it doesn;t matter if it was once or 10 yrs" from him. Personally I don;t agree with that, but that's a conversation that I'm sure a lot of people feel strongly about so I won't go any farther on about that I guess.

I started going to that meeting because a friend went and that was his home group. And honestly when I first started going I did feel somewhat comfortable there (except for the whole "breaking me down" comment at the first meeting). Some of the guys were pretty good guys, the guy that was my sponsor offered to be my sponsor right off that bat so that seemed good at the time, not to mention it was only 1/4 mile from my house and at the time I wasn't driving so it all seemed to work good for me. It wasn't until I had been going for awhile and already was kind'a settled in with them that things started to really seem bad.

I know my experience with AA isn't how "all" AA meetings are though. I actually did go to a couple open AA meets and have a few more written down to go to this week and test the waters. So I am trying to not have a closed mind.

I know I can no longer do this myself that's for sure, that much I know. Because with this last binge of drinking it was very different for me to be honest. I really didn't enjoy any part of it, it was almost like I didn't want to drink but for some reason I felt I had too. I actually felt physically ill before I even picked up the first drink the other night. And I know that's my mind&body telling me "That's enough dumb--- you know you shouldn't be doing this".

So I am trying to make sure this time I have some sort of plan. Right now my plan is... I'm going to meetings this week, I have heard a lot of people talk about the book "Beyond The Influence" on this site so I just bought a copy of that off Ebay a couple hours ago, and I don't know what ever happened to my "big book" but I did find PDF files of the big book online this evening and have been doing a lot of re reading of that online. Plus as I mentioned about I do have my friend in PA that is a minister that I can&will call to talk when I need to do so. And if I can find some of those meetings where I feel good about then I will keep going and find myself a sponsor at one of them once I get to know the people there.

The last time I didn't have any real plan at all so this time I am trying to go into this with some sort of a plan to stick too.

Steve

sfgirl

Another thing that I have found helpful and I think is worth looking into is Naltrexone, it is a generic drug, very few (none for me) side effects, not addictive or mind-altering or anything like that and proven to reduce cravings for alcohol. There are also a few other medicines out there that help with alcoholism like campral, topamax, etc. You could ask your doctor about them. These def wouldn't be in place of AA or another program but a supplement.

And I didn't get sober in AA— I did it really with one on one therapy which I highly recommend, but that like everything probably isn't for everyone, but if AA isn't for you, and AA definitely isn't for everyone, it isn't for me, could be great.