Giving in
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 758
Giving in
I'm to the point of giving in. Been here sence January, had years of sobriety here and there for years before coming here, drank again before I came here in Jan and finally got sober once I came here from Jan-June. drank again in July and tried to stop again...spent the last 12 days sober thinking I was doing good........I drank like a fish last night.
Guys I need help. I thought and have tried to do it in my own. I have done the AA route and went for 4 yrs going to meetings about 3 times a week back in 1998-2000. And it helped a lot at the time. I talk down at AA now because I hate the way I feel "controlled" at AA mettings, I admit I have na ego...it's hard for a 37 yr old man thats 6'7" 320lbs to let someone else tell him what to do. And I admit that, but obviously doing it on my own isn't working at all.
After 12 days sober yesterday I felt strong in the morning ....then my family went to a dinner/family thing which I didnt go to, I found myself here alone for 7-8hrs, with money in my pocket. When they left I felt strong in my sobriety....whithin 1 hr after they left....I was at the party store buying a fifth of vodka. I don't understand how my mind can go from such a strong high to such a LOW within minutes, but it does, and it's starting to make me wonder if I'm insane. How can your mind go that far so fast??
I thought I could do this on my own this time, but I admit I can't.Every time I swear to myself I wont drink it last maybe a few days and then I drink the first chance I get. And now the day after, I feel like a complete faliure and get even more depressed because of drinking. Every relapse makes me feel even worse and more like I can't do this. I dont "dispise" AA...but the last year I went the meeting/sponsor really rubbed me the wrong way. But I KNOW now I cant do this on my own. I know I need help if I'm gonna make it to 40. I admit I CANT do this on my own anymore.
I don't want to sound like some sad sack that never learns, but I'm to the point of what I'm doing on my own isn't working, and needing some help!
Steve
Guys I need help. I thought and have tried to do it in my own. I have done the AA route and went for 4 yrs going to meetings about 3 times a week back in 1998-2000. And it helped a lot at the time. I talk down at AA now because I hate the way I feel "controlled" at AA mettings, I admit I have na ego...it's hard for a 37 yr old man thats 6'7" 320lbs to let someone else tell him what to do. And I admit that, but obviously doing it on my own isn't working at all.
After 12 days sober yesterday I felt strong in the morning ....then my family went to a dinner/family thing which I didnt go to, I found myself here alone for 7-8hrs, with money in my pocket. When they left I felt strong in my sobriety....whithin 1 hr after they left....I was at the party store buying a fifth of vodka. I don't understand how my mind can go from such a strong high to such a LOW within minutes, but it does, and it's starting to make me wonder if I'm insane. How can your mind go that far so fast??
I thought I could do this on my own this time, but I admit I can't.Every time I swear to myself I wont drink it last maybe a few days and then I drink the first chance I get. And now the day after, I feel like a complete faliure and get even more depressed because of drinking. Every relapse makes me feel even worse and more like I can't do this. I dont "dispise" AA...but the last year I went the meeting/sponsor really rubbed me the wrong way. But I KNOW now I cant do this on my own. I know I need help if I'm gonna make it to 40. I admit I CANT do this on my own anymore.
I don't want to sound like some sad sack that never learns, but I'm to the point of what I'm doing on my own isn't working, and needing some help!
Steve
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
What ever method a person chooses to stop drinking , we have has to concede defeat in our inability to drink if, we're an alcoholic.
Cunning baffling and powerful, many times, I'd go out and not have any trouble. Next time out, all hell would break loose when, I drank
After many years of not drinking, my life is manageable and everything is pretty darn good. If, it ain't broke, don't fix it. I'd never want to go back out and see if, I can drink again, the consequences are too great now should I fail!!!
Cunning baffling and powerful, many times, I'd go out and not have any trouble. Next time out, all hell would break loose when, I drank
After many years of not drinking, my life is manageable and everything is pretty darn good. If, it ain't broke, don't fix it. I'd never want to go back out and see if, I can drink again, the consequences are too great now should I fail!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
OK so you've tried willpower and AA...what else have you tried Daywalker?
I'm not wanting answers - just throwing these things out there...
in AA - did you try another meeting/another sponsor?
did you try the steps, or just meetings?
did you try LifeRing, SMART or some other kind of recovery programme?
have you tried counselling and or therapy?
I believe the Captain's right - whatever method we choose, we have to concede defeat and accept our inability to drink at all times.
And we have to never stop trying to find our way, the path that makes sense to us, in order to help us achieve our goal.
Solutions rarely come to us tho - most often we have to go out and look for them....and work them hard when we find them.
The fight's not over if you never give up DW - if you think you're beaten, sadly you probably will be.
here a list of resources and recovery programmes - it's by no means exhaustive, but it's a start
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...resources.html
you can do this
D
I'm not wanting answers - just throwing these things out there...
in AA - did you try another meeting/another sponsor?
did you try the steps, or just meetings?
did you try LifeRing, SMART or some other kind of recovery programme?
have you tried counselling and or therapy?
I believe the Captain's right - whatever method we choose, we have to concede defeat and accept our inability to drink at all times.
And we have to never stop trying to find our way, the path that makes sense to us, in order to help us achieve our goal.
Solutions rarely come to us tho - most often we have to go out and look for them....and work them hard when we find them.
The fight's not over if you never give up DW - if you think you're beaten, sadly you probably will be.
here a list of resources and recovery programmes - it's by no means exhaustive, but it's a start
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...resources.html
you can do this
D
jimbo
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: london berks England
Posts: 426
buddy i'm not even three months sober yet
and evry day i have strong urges to drink
i just take the dogs and head into the woods and walk ,there are no pubs or bars out there
and when i come home the urges have passed i could honestly cry with joy when i think of how i'm still sober
at the end of the day the only person that lets you drink is you
and the only person who can stop me drinking is me
and evry day i have strong urges to drink
i just take the dogs and head into the woods and walk ,there are no pubs or bars out there
and when i come home the urges have passed i could honestly cry with joy when i think of how i'm still sober
at the end of the day the only person that lets you drink is you
and the only person who can stop me drinking is me
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Traveling in Europe
Posts: 415
Hey man sorry to hear about your relapse. I certainly have reason not to like AA... Ive meet some real freaks in there. One of them my first sponsor. But (admittedly) after moving to a different city, I went back. I was honest with my close friends in the program about what had happened. For me I feel like I can't do this alone. I believe in a spiritual solution to this problem. Thats why AA appeals to me.
But there are many other paths in recovery. Check them out. When I felt licked and decided just to drink with abandon... well needless to say you know how that can turn out. Its not a legitimate option for the real alcoholic. I pray that you find what you are looking for. As always keep coming 'round...
But there are many other paths in recovery. Check them out. When I felt licked and decided just to drink with abandon... well needless to say you know how that can turn out. Its not a legitimate option for the real alcoholic. I pray that you find what you are looking for. As always keep coming 'round...
Don't give up hope! 
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: upland, ca
Posts: 46
[QUOTE= I admit I have na ego...it's hard for a 37 yr old man thats 6'7" 320lbs to let someone else tell him what to do. [/QUOTE]
I don't think size has anything to do with ego. I'm barely 5 ft and have always hated people telling me what to do. The difference now - is that I am asking them what to do.
I don't think size has anything to do with ego. I'm barely 5 ft and have always hated people telling me what to do. The difference now - is that I am asking them what to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 758
Originally Posted by killingmesmalls 
I don't think size has anything to do with ego. I'm barely 5 ft and have always hated people telling me what to do. The difference now - is that I am asking them what to do.
I know what your saying killingmesmalls, but because of my size it did have a lot to do with my past life style. It got me jobs as a Bouncer at many bars and due to that, "friendly" with some girls where I was a bouncer for yrs. Which all feed my ego. So that's why I say that. And even thought that's been 7+yrs ago...it's still hard to leave that life when it comes to ego.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Originally Posted by DayWalker
Even though I did go to AA for over 4 yrs back around 2000...I did work steps but never got past Step in the program.
Steve
Steve
I have never had anyone in AA tell me what to do. Perhaps you can explain what it was you were told to do? Perhaps a new sponsor would help?
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,841
DayWalker, please don't give up!
I don't know how many times over the past nearly 30 years that I've decided to quit, only to go back each and every time, harder and heavier than before. I finally found myself in the hospital this past June and for the first time I finally felt like I really needed to change. It was the toughest decision I've ever had to make, but now 63 days later, I'm glad I did it. I still feel the old urges every day, but they DO pass. I also have a healthy ego and don't like to be ordered around...only recently did I wake up to the fact that it was the ALCOHOL giving the orders, so I had to take back control of my life and say ENOUGH.
I guess we all have to reach a similar point before we can even start to battle this beast. I wish you the best.
I don't know how many times over the past nearly 30 years that I've decided to quit, only to go back each and every time, harder and heavier than before. I finally found myself in the hospital this past June and for the first time I finally felt like I really needed to change. It was the toughest decision I've ever had to make, but now 63 days later, I'm glad I did it. I still feel the old urges every day, but they DO pass. I also have a healthy ego and don't like to be ordered around...only recently did I wake up to the fact that it was the ALCOHOL giving the orders, so I had to take back control of my life and say ENOUGH.
I guess we all have to reach a similar point before we can even start to battle this beast. I wish you the best.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Steve....
this was one of our Daily Readings today
this was one of our Daily Readings today
vSolution
^*^*^
"There is a solution.
Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling
of our pride, the confessions of shortcomings
which the process requires for its successful
consummation.
But we saw that it really worked in others,
and we had come to believe in the
hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it.
When, therefore, we were approached by those
in whom the problem had been solved,
there was nothing left for us but to pick up
the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet.
We have found much of heaven
and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension
of existence of which we had not even dreamed."
1976AAWS, Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 25
^*^*^*^*^*
Thought to Consider . . .
The solution is simple.
The solution is spiritual.
*~*~*AACRONYMS*~*~*
H O P E = Heart Open; Please Enter.
^*^*^
"There is a solution.
Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling
of our pride, the confessions of shortcomings
which the process requires for its successful
consummation.
But we saw that it really worked in others,
and we had come to believe in the
hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it.
When, therefore, we were approached by those
in whom the problem had been solved,
there was nothing left for us but to pick up
the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet.
We have found much of heaven
and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension
of existence of which we had not even dreamed."
1976AAWS, Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 25
^*^*^*^*^*
Thought to Consider . . .
The solution is simple.
The solution is spiritual.
*~*~*AACRONYMS*~*~*
H O P E = Heart Open; Please Enter.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
"I talk down at AA now because I hate the way I feel "controlled" at AA mettings, I admit I have na ego...it's hard for a 37 yr old man thats 6'7" 320lbs to let someone else tell him what to do. And I admit that, but obviously doing it on my own isn't working at all."
Don't take this the wrong way, no offense intended, ... you may need to learn to "get over yourself" and get over your illusions of superiority.
I know I had to do that... I was more intelligent than everyone else. It was hard to let someone else tell me what to do when I was so mentally superior and smarter than everyone else.
Once I realized THE TRUTH about how I was just like everyone else it became a lot easier to accept AA and to stop drinking.
Keep coming back.
Don't take this the wrong way, no offense intended, ... you may need to learn to "get over yourself" and get over your illusions of superiority.
I know I had to do that... I was more intelligent than everyone else. It was hard to let someone else tell me what to do when I was so mentally superior and smarter than everyone else.
Once I realized THE TRUTH about how I was just like everyone else it became a lot easier to accept AA and to stop drinking.
Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 872
Hey man...
I feel for you, and hope you find your way to true sobriety (as opposed to being "dry" for a time)...
Yes, you are a big dude, and to paraphrase your posts, ego is in the way as well. But I have to tell you, whether you are a 6'7" behemoth, a 5'1" schoolteacher, a CEO, fat, skinny -- alcohol does not care. It will bring you to your knees if you let it. Then you will find humility.
Try AA again, and WORK a program. If you don't like your sponsor, get one that you do. "Rarely have we seen a person fail who THOROUGHLY follows our path..."
Stay close, and let me know if I can help...
NMB
I feel for you, and hope you find your way to true sobriety (as opposed to being "dry" for a time)...
Yes, you are a big dude, and to paraphrase your posts, ego is in the way as well. But I have to tell you, whether you are a 6'7" behemoth, a 5'1" schoolteacher, a CEO, fat, skinny -- alcohol does not care. It will bring you to your knees if you let it. Then you will find humility.
Try AA again, and WORK a program. If you don't like your sponsor, get one that you do. "Rarely have we seen a person fail who THOROUGHLY follows our path..."
Stay close, and let me know if I can help...
NMB
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
Originally Posted by DayWalker
I'm to the point of giving in. Been here sence January, had years of sobriety here and there for years before coming here, drank again before I came here in Jan and finally got sober once I came here from Jan-June. drank again in July and tried to stop again...spent the last 12 days sober thinking I was doing good........I drank like a fish last night.
Guys I need help. I thought and have tried to do it in my own. I have done the AA route and went for 4 yrs going to meetings about 3 times a week back in 1998-2000. And it helped a lot at the time. I talk down at AA now because I hate the way I feel "controlled" at AA mettings, I admit I have na ego...it's hard for a 37 yr old man thats 6'7" 320lbs to let someone else tell him what to do. And I admit that, but obviously doing it on my own isn't working at all.
After 12 days sober yesterday I felt strong in the morning ....then my family went to a dinner/family thing which I didnt go to, I found myself here alone for 7-8hrs, with money in my pocket. When they left I felt strong in my sobriety....whithin 1 hr after they left....I was at the party store buying a fifth of vodka. I don't understand how my mind can go from such a strong high to such a LOW within minutes, but it does, and it's starting to make me wonder if I'm insane. How can your mind go that far so fast??
I thought I could do this on my own this time, but I admit I can't.Every time I swear to myself I wont drink it last maybe a few days and then I drink the first chance I get. And now the day after, I feel like a complete faliure and get even more depressed because of drinking. Every relapse makes me feel even worse and more like I can't do this. I dont "dispise" AA...but the last year I went the meeting/sponsor really rubbed me the wrong way. But I KNOW now I cant do this on my own. I know I need help if I'm gonna make it to 40. I admit I CANT do this on my own anymore.
I don't want to sound like some sad sack that never learns, but I'm to the point of what I'm doing on my own isn't working, and needing some help!
Steve
Guys I need help. I thought and have tried to do it in my own. I have done the AA route and went for 4 yrs going to meetings about 3 times a week back in 1998-2000. And it helped a lot at the time. I talk down at AA now because I hate the way I feel "controlled" at AA mettings, I admit I have na ego...it's hard for a 37 yr old man thats 6'7" 320lbs to let someone else tell him what to do. And I admit that, but obviously doing it on my own isn't working at all.
After 12 days sober yesterday I felt strong in the morning ....then my family went to a dinner/family thing which I didnt go to, I found myself here alone for 7-8hrs, with money in my pocket. When they left I felt strong in my sobriety....whithin 1 hr after they left....I was at the party store buying a fifth of vodka. I don't understand how my mind can go from such a strong high to such a LOW within minutes, but it does, and it's starting to make me wonder if I'm insane. How can your mind go that far so fast??
I thought I could do this on my own this time, but I admit I can't.Every time I swear to myself I wont drink it last maybe a few days and then I drink the first chance I get. And now the day after, I feel like a complete faliure and get even more depressed because of drinking. Every relapse makes me feel even worse and more like I can't do this. I dont "dispise" AA...but the last year I went the meeting/sponsor really rubbed me the wrong way. But I KNOW now I cant do this on my own. I know I need help if I'm gonna make it to 40. I admit I CANT do this on my own anymore.
I don't want to sound like some sad sack that never learns, but I'm to the point of what I'm doing on my own isn't working, and needing some help!
Steve
Order the book (7 weeks to sobriety) You can get it off of amazon for 3 or 4 bucks plus shipping.
The theory is that alcohol depletes vitamins and deteriorates things in your brain. The book gives a list of vitamins and amino acids you can buy over the counter to help take away cravings and help mood swings level out. A couple are prescription only,and I have done without.
It also talks about hypoglycemia and how it can cause mood swings which make us drink. Although I don't have hypoglycemia( I have checked my sugar with my late mothers test monitor) I can tell if I eat a bunch of starch for lunch I have cravings. But nothing like I did 5 months ago.
I have been an alcoholic for over 30 years, and am now 5 months sober. Is it because of the book and vitamins? I honestly believe it is. But it could also be because I hit a certain age and had enough, or a combo of the 2. I don't know. I did spend about 100 bucks on vitamins and amino acids.
I also go to AA meetings, but I'm not really working the steps. I feel I need to keep going because I know how quickly my alcy mind make my non alcy mind forget that this stuff will kill me.
Will the book help you? I don't know, but you can probably pick it up for under 10 bucks. I know one of the things they give heroin addicts is ascorbic acid,(vitamin C) to help cravings. I know a lot of folks here really don't believe this( vitamins,amino acids,and diet) taking away cravings. But this is the first time I have been able to put together 5 months of sobriety in 30 years of drinking, and I don't see my sobriety ending any time soon.
Fred
Love my puppies
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: lala land
Posts: 150
DW...Have you tried different AA meetings? Have you tried different sponsors? While I was getting sober, everytime I tried a different rehab place, after awhile I'd start thinking I could control it. The only way I finally stopped was by doing an inpatient program that I was in for 33 days.
No one can make you drink except you. If you find yourself alone for that length of time and are feeling tempted, call someone or come here and talk thru it. Usually if you talk about it BEFORE taking that first drink, it tends to lessen the urges cuz you have someone to be accountable to. Try to find someone with a lot of clean time and ask lots of questions on how they did it.
It doesn't matter your size, alcoholism is non discriminating. If you really want to stop, you're the only one that can take the actions that are right for you...find something that works for you...then put everything into it. It's all or nothing.
No one can make you drink except you. If you find yourself alone for that length of time and are feeling tempted, call someone or come here and talk thru it. Usually if you talk about it BEFORE taking that first drink, it tends to lessen the urges cuz you have someone to be accountable to. Try to find someone with a lot of clean time and ask lots of questions on how they did it.
It doesn't matter your size, alcoholism is non discriminating. If you really want to stop, you're the only one that can take the actions that are right for you...find something that works for you...then put everything into it. It's all or nothing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: The Redneck South! :)
Posts: 291
I fully understand... I hit my two weeks yesterday as well...
Sometimes it all comes down to plain and simple boredom for me!!
I just constantly play over in my head how terrible it was before...
Even if it's not bliss now, ANYthing's better than how it was when I was an active alcoholic.
Good luck and congrats on your sober time!
Sometimes it all comes down to plain and simple boredom for me!!
I just constantly play over in my head how terrible it was before...
Even if it's not bliss now, ANYthing's better than how it was when I was an active alcoholic.
Good luck and congrats on your sober time!
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Orlando Florida
Posts: 220
I found that in my recovery, every time I tried to Negotiate things on my terms, it always ended in disaster. See I was the brilliant genius that was going to be different from all y'all Alcoholics. I was smarter. I had greater Will Power. I was the exception. I was going to successfully manuver around the hazards of Alcoholism and manage Alcohol to meet my needs. I could monitor and analyze my Alcoholism to control it instead of the other way around.
Yeah right.
My solution always took me directly to the Devils Triangle. The Devils Triangle is when my entire exisistence on Earth is reduced to the Triangle area between my Bed, The Nightstand with a Bottle of Liquor on it, and the Toilet. That's it.
So all of these loosers at the AA Meetings with all of their pointless platitudes were sober and enjoying their lives, and me with my Brilliant Master Plan for sobriety on MY terms was perpetually locked in the Devils Triangle. It was only when Alcohol finally beat me down so severely that I gave up on negotiating and surrendered completely, did I finally start making progress.
Yeah right.
My solution always took me directly to the Devils Triangle. The Devils Triangle is when my entire exisistence on Earth is reduced to the Triangle area between my Bed, The Nightstand with a Bottle of Liquor on it, and the Toilet. That's it.
So all of these loosers at the AA Meetings with all of their pointless platitudes were sober and enjoying their lives, and me with my Brilliant Master Plan for sobriety on MY terms was perpetually locked in the Devils Triangle. It was only when Alcohol finally beat me down so severely that I gave up on negotiating and surrendered completely, did I finally start making progress.
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