debs

So last week I had the worst binge relapse I've ever, ever had...

It all started on Saturday night, when my friend Kim asked me if I wanted to go have 'A' beer...

I was hesitant at first, but she convinced me that as long as I didn't over do it and didn't bring drink into my home, that everything would be fine.

I had three beers at the bar and successfully went to bed without getting hammered...

Victory, RIGHT????

WRONG.

The next night I had six beers...

The next night I had vodka..

Suddenly I found myself late Friday night/Sat morning projectile vomiting and having consumed two 1.75 liter bottles of vodka and one 1.75 liter bottle of whiskey within four days...

That's a lot of alcohol for someone my size.

I reckon it would kill some folks.

And when it dawned on me what I had done, I was terrified.

Which lead me to a blessing...

It was an all new low for me...

But instead of feeling sorry for myself and allowing myself to slip into my typical post-relapse depression...

I got inspired... truly and utterly empowered...

To DO something about it...

Cos clearly what I've been doing has been anything but effective...

So I went to my first AA meeting at noon today (yes, only the first one this time.. I lied to everybody I love and care about the other day... I didn't go to a meeting.. I went to a Vodka bottle... but was just too ashamed to admit it)...

I was welcomed to this meeting with such warmness and love...

I sat there sweating and shaking and physically very ill... but spiritually and emotionally I felt very much alive for the very first time.

There's just something new in me this time.

I went back for a second meeting at 6 tonight and it was absolutely wonderful...

I can't WAIT to go back...

I think I've finally found the missing link...

Now I need to figure out how to mainTAIN this newfound strength...

Cos I aint so naive as to believe I'll always be this excited.

I gotta just keep going back.

It works if ya work it.... so they say.

suki44883

That's great, deb! Keep going back. AA has helped millions of people turn their lives around. Keep those numbers handy and when you feel weak, use them. You can do this!

wanttolive

Good for you debs! Maybe this is the missing piece of the puzzle you need to stop the relapses! I haven't been to a meeting yet. Still summoning up the guts to do it, but you are an inspiration!

tjp613

((((Debs))))) I'm so happy to hear this news!!! You made my night!!

Sleep well, m'dear.

littlebluedog

Good for you! AA has been a huge part of my recovery. I'm proud of you!

Dee74

I always say whatever you find to do - work it
I hope this is the thing that turns you round Deb.

D

debs

I'm so sorry about the lie...

I am not a liar... I can't stand to lie..

It's just the poison that brings that out in me.

I have really come to enjoy your posts and look forward to reading your input... and feel really bad for everything..

Thanks so much to you and all of you others that have achieved sobriety.

I have the utmost respect for you and am truly grateful and honored that you put up with those of us that just can't seem to get it right.

I'm praying and very hopeful that this time it really is different.

I believe in Christ and this morning when I was on my way to the meeting, I got lost... I took a turn onto a road that was in the general direction of where I thought I needed to go...

I was 15 minutes late and had just about decided to turn around and go home when I looked up and noticed I was right in front of the building.

Divine intervention, right there, if ya ask me...

And at the meeting there was a guy that almost started crying when he saw me... He said that he felt my pain... empathized fully..

And that my presence at this meeting inspired him to continue in his sobriety.... it reminded him that the beast is still very much alive.

Amazing how good it made me feel to know I had helped him.

The beauty of AA- people helping other people...

I hope I don't let myself, my loved ones, and you guys down this time.

Dee74

I'll admit I hate being lied to, Debs.

But I'd also be doing wrong if I didn't admit I did enough lying when I was drinking to cover everyone here at least 5 times over Debs....maybe 6 or 7....

It's not good - but I understand it.

You don't owe me anything. Sorry if I seemed terse - musta been a subliminal thing

we're good :ghug3
it's so great to read your latest posts

hugs
D

debs

Thanks, sweetie. Makes me feel better.

(she says as she kicks herself in her ignorant gob for relapsing again!)

Faerie

Debs, I'm so proud of you for being honest.

It's so hard when you think you're gonna be letting people down isn't it.

But doesn't it feel better when the truth is out.

And see, we all love you and no-one has judged you.

I took extra pills the other day, debated about posting, PMd a couple of friends to confess and then finally got the balls to post what I had done.

And like you, nobody judged me.

That's what's so wonderful about SR, SR is all about honesty, love and support.

So glad you've had your breakthrough moment and have found the sunshine in your life.

Things will only get better for you now Babe,

Very proud of you for so many reasons,

Much love,

Faerie xx

debs

Awwwwww thanks Faerie!!!!

I'm really excited about winning this time w/ the help of God and AA...

I just wish I could skip over the detox part...

The cold sweats, shakes, and total inability to sleep sure is a beeotch...

(Guess I deserve it tho!)

NEVER again....

Please, God... Never again.

yeahgr8

Just such a cool post to read and i am really happy for you:-)

So you told a fib about going to the meeting and not drinking? I can't believe it a lying alcoholic, well there's a stretch;-) Don't worry about it! Try and keep honest with yourself as this is life or death (not the gun fight at the ok coral version...but the slow, long, lingering, ******* your son up in the head, miserable version) for you, as it is for all of us.

You will start to feel stronger physically, over the coming days, and as you do remember to start going for coffees with the women in AA, get some literature, get telephone numbers and get a sponsor. This is very straight forward process and will come naturally if you stick yourself in the middle of the group and stick your hand up for help.

You have a lot of people, who you have never met, who genuinely care about you here...and a bunch of people that you have just met that feel the same way in the AA rooms...that's a hell of a lot of new friends to have made in matter of such a small space of time. Imagine how great your life is going to be from now on, if you want it:-)

Keep posting, keep hitting those meetings...

NewBeginning010

Good for you debs, so happy to hear that the meeting went well for you. You can beat this thing.

Keep posting

Take Care,

NB

debs

Thanks so much for the encouragement...

I'm kinda scared...

It's almost 6AM here and I haven't been able to get a wink of sleep...

I feel like bugs are crawling all over me...

My heart is POUNDING...

I can't quit shaking...

My body temp is all F***d up...

I'm tense and anxious...

I know these are all classic detox symptoms but I don't think the symptoms were this strong last time...

I just wish I could go to sleep.

Dee74

I spent a few sleepless nights in detox too Debs - I was scared witless...I didn't know which I feared more - dying or not dying.

you'll sleep when you really need to

D

tjp613

Deb - Is there someone you can call? Did you get a number at AA? Can you get to a meeting?

We're here with you all the way. You know that we care. (((Hugs)))

I'm praying for you! :praying

Dee74

Deb - I've been rethinking - I just reread your earlier post and what you've been drinking this week - if you feel worried at all - go to the ER.

Withdrawals not something to trifle with

I hope you feel better by the time I get back here
Night
D

pino

I hope you start to feel much better very soon. i"m glad you enjoyed AA. i"ve never been, and have wondered what the meetings are like. Hope this works for you!

tommyk

"The beauty of AA- people helping other people..."

Yup.

nelco

This is my experience with AA too Deb... I have made real friends there who care about me. who understand!!
Yep...thankfully I am still saying that over 11 years later.