debs

Agony-

There is no other word that describes the feeling…

Alcoholism = agony.

Simple as that.

It’s not something I wanted… in stark contrast, it’s something I’d not wish on my worst enemy. Nobody deserves to go through the hell of this sort of addiction.

It destroys me.

It destroys the people in my life that I cherish the most.

Yet I continue.

Why?

Why…

I wonder if that question will ever be answered in the history of time.

I also wonder if it even matters ‘why’…

I just want to be better. I want nothing- absolutely nothing more… than to be healed.

I wish there was a pill I could take that would just eliminate the disease… like Benadryl for allergies- or Tylenol for a headache.

Why can’t there be a tablet to cure Alcoholism?

Maybe one day there will be.

Until that day I must cope. Cope.

But how? How do I cope with the seemingly impossible task of ridding of something which I love almost as much as I loathe?

AA?

Is that the answer?

But then I have to grow the strength and will power to make myself go. I have to not only go to the first meeting, but I have to continue to go- even when I feel that I have defeated it- even when I feel like I am strong enough to conquer the world… a task which is actually, in effect, much easier than overcoming alcoholism.

Maybe one day I’ll discover the key to success.

Maybe… Just maybe…

I reckon at this point the only answer is to pray.

Pray without ceasing.

I am unable.

I am weak.

I am victim.

mtnmagic

Hey Debs -

I really understand what you are saying here. Recovery is painful, but you can do it.

I have to tell you though, as long as you see yourself as a victim, you will be.

The very best times in my life were when I went to AA and followed the steps and traditions.


It is agony. But it will go away if you choose a program of recovery and follow it. It isn't an instant fix. It takes time, but little by little I have no doubt you will get better by not drinking, going through the pain of withdrawal and deciding you are worth so much more.

Also, please consider going to a Dr. or the ER if the withdrawals are a concern.

Yes, even if you don't have insurance. That can be all worked out later.
You are so worth it.

Dee74

I agree with mm Debs - we're not victims.
Not unless we want to be.

There is no magic pill, no magic wand - we have to act, and we have to work, and keep on working.

Its down to us. If we don't like the life we have as drunks we have change it.

OK, it's not fair - none of us asked for it - but we sure got it.

I say this now, but in my stubbornness I drank until all the love I had for drinking was gone - and then drank for several more years.

That took 20 years. 5 times more than what you've done - with my alcoholism and the chaos and sorrow and shame and fear all increasing exponentially.

Pls be smarter than me.
I dunno how I lived through all that.

Thats the miracle, not me stopping.

Any life has got to be better than the ones we've lived, Debs.

Do something now. Its not an impossible task.
There's any number of us here who've done it, any number of ways.

just act, Debs - act now.
D

debs

Thanks, Dee... Tomorrow's a new day... I just have to start again... And I'm so grateful for 'new days'.... those aint a right... they're a gift.

tommyk

"I have to not only go to the first meeting, but I have to continue to go..."

Just for today.

You only need to go to one meeting... your first meeting.

Taking5

In my experience, to be successful in AA, we surrender to alcohol. Alcohol wins. We cease fighting it and drinking it.

I came into AA several years ago and when they asked for new comers I raised my hand and said "I am here to beat my addiction". Later an old timer came up to me and said "son, you aren't going to beat alcoholism in the rooms of AA. Your ass has already been whipped".

This ticked me off, but when I thought about it, he was right. Who was I trying to kid? I came into AA beaten half to death by alcohol. Though I had dabbled with AA before, it wasn't until that day that I truly understood and took step 1. There is no step that says "and then we regained power over alcohol".

Debs, you need to get to a meeting IMHO, and experience wisdom like this old timer gave me.

Believe808

You can do this Deb, you are a miracle, we are all miracles. Honestly, even with all the "stuff" going on in my life today, I am so very grateful that I am sober, that I am still alive. It does get better, I promise you that, I didn't think it ever would, that I would ever look forward to the new day but I have. I go to AA meetings and there I have found others just like me, who care about me and who I so very much care about.

It's all about Just for today, one day at a time, one step at a time, you can do it, it gets better as long as we don't pick up that first drink.

Jomey

Like Tommy said, Debs, one day at a time. Don't worry about the future...I just read a really interesting concept about the future......"the future" never really comes - the only way we experience "the future" is when it turns into "today". So don't worry about anything except doing what needs to be done right now, this minute. Just for today.

You can do this hun. Stick with it.

Jomey

nelco

"Like all men I love and prefer the sunny uplands of experience, when health and happiness abound,
but I have learned more about god and life and myself in the darkness of fear and failure than I ever learned in the sunshine,
There are such things as treasures of darkness.
The darkness, thank God passes
But what one learns in darkness one possesses forever."

There is so much more to gain than just putting down a drink. To be spiritually alive and grateful for this life is something a pill can never give us. Hang in there Debs.............your worth it!! There is a lot more to live for.

tkdan

debs, I did not ask to have this disease, nobody does. Is it fair? NO. Does it have to end our life? NO. When I first started considering AA it was a shock me. My thought was - have I sank that low that I'm considering AA (I had a misconception of AA). I have not found a way of beating alcoholism, but a way of surrendering to it. Only by coming to a place where I had to say "I cannot do this on my own" did I have a chance at a somewhat normal life. Is life perfect? NO. Is life better? YES. Right now my life is in the $hitter. My wife of fourteen years had an affair. My children are in the middle of some real ugliness. I could have crawed into a bottle and never came out. Then my kids would not have a father. What I can do is not drink today, just today, and be able to think rational, and be there for my children when they need me the most. No matter how bad life gets, we do not have to turn to alcohol.

keithj

I agree with you, debs. I loved drinking as much as I hated it. I couldn't imagine life with or without alcohol. I'd go between raw and utter contempt for myself to just needing another drink to make it all better.

It certainly was for me. When I got sober for good and all, it was a very humble and small start. I knew that I could not go on living like i was, and I knew I was going to keep drinking. The delusion that today was a new day when I wouldn't drink was shattered.

I made one phone call. There were two guys that I believed knew how to really work an AA program. Two guys that talked about a spiritual solution. I didn't want any of that, I just wanted the pain to stop. I called one of them and he met me that day. I was still drunk. We talked for a bit and he asked me to meet him again. He gave me directions for taking Step 1. And on and on.

Somewhere along the way of that process of doing very small things, I recovered. Drinking hasn't been an issue for me for a long time. What's more, my reaction to life has been profoundly altered. I honestly didn't know that this kind of contentment was possible. I couldn't know it until I had experienced it in my own heart.

One phone call and a little willingness was all it took.

laurie6781

Debs ................................ I never defeated alcohol. Alcohol defeated me. Alcohol beat me into the ground. Alcohol killed me. (yes, I did die.)

When I finally 'got it" (sobriety) was when I ACCEPTED defeat. Alcohol had beaten me. I SURRENDERED.

Then, and only then, did recovery become a good possibility for this alcoholic.

Try the meetings. Put one foot in front of the other and walk through the door. I think you will be pleasantly surprised at what you find.

My prayers and thoughts are with you.

Love and hugs,

Boleo

Abstinence is NOT DRINKING and feeling bad about it (agony).

Recovery is NOT DRINKING and feeling good about it (ecstasy)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rden-gift.html

LosingmyMisery

I felt just like you, miserable and hating myself and life. I was to scared to make the first step and didn't really know where to turn. Each day I told myself this time it would be different, but it never was. I always ended up drinking.

Fear of death is what motivated me. I met with and AA member. I was drunk at the time, as well. I drank a bottle of wine before our breakfast meeting. After several hours of talking I started getting the jitters and made an excuse to leave to get more booze before the withdrawals hit full force. I finally agreed to go to my first AA meeting a few days later.

It freaked me out and I did not like it at all, but I kept going back. I knew this wasn't about my likes and dislikes, this was about saving my life. I learned plenty and I fought hard. I fought the process along the way until I decided to quit fighting it. When I started listening and looking for the good in the program instead of seeking out the bad, I get sober. It is key to get a sober and work the steps. Drinking is but only a symptom of our disease. We all have underlying issues that have to be dealt with and put behind us. That is what a sponsor is for, to guide us through the steps and the process.

I truly thought myself hopeless and unable to ever quit drinking. I did the steps and my entire life has changed. I no longer live for a drink. I do not crave a drink and can not imagine a life of drinking. Quite a change from someone who truly believe I could do nothing without drinking and I mean nothing. There is a solution. Pray for the courage. Sobriety is out there waiting for you, get out there and grab it.

hendershot

It sounds like you are struggling with the truth of what recovery is versus what you would like it to be. You want relief, immidiately and easily--just like any good alcoholic. However, recovery is not immidiate, it is a long-term journey. It is not a straight line, there will be bumps, set-backs, and some days you can be doing everything "right" and still feel like garbage. Unlike a previous poster, I do not think it is "ecstasy"--not that it is not pleasurable in a way, but it is not the kind of pleasure I would associate with "ecstatsy." You have to get used to living life sober, enjoying life sober, becoming habituated with life as it is, not as you wish it to be. This is a process. As you said, there is no pill. But with a pill you wouldn't have the journey and that is where life happens. Agony--in its most severe form--is a byproduct of the conflict between the imagined ideal world we want to believe in and the world we experience on an everyday basis. I challenge you to accept the world, and life, as it is. Only then can you move forward. If you were weak you would not be here, that takes courage. I apologize if this is overly deep or abstract for what you are seeking but I believe it to be true.