KenL

Hi everyone,

There are many thoughts I see being expressed on SR that to me become genres of thought. One that comes to mind is the genre of sobriety as being a burden as opposed to being a gift.

For some, sobriety seems to be viewed as something that we have to put up with and that it leads to a static life. It's a thing that is hoisted upon our shoulders and acts like a burden that we have to carry for the rest of our lives. It may me mental, emotional, spiritual or even behavioral. Those of us who feel and think that way look at sobriety as being a "state of stuckness." They relegate themselves to being somehow unfulfilled and find that counting days and weeks and months is all they seem to end up living for.

There are those on the other hand who view sobriety as a gift, a God-send or an emancipation. To them, sobriety is not a burden but rather an enlightenment. It is a change in their very selves, their identity. They are not affected by any "sobriety fallout". There is no emptiness nor need to fill something with something else. Indeed, that which was too much is now gone and serenity is put in its' place.

I wish that everyone's sobriety could be dynamic and not static. To me, sobriety is not the end of something that leaves us with something else we are forced to live with. It's the beginning of something else that allows us to live with something that sets us free to be whoever we choose to be. This is what I hope for all who suffer from addiction.

I'll be posting this under "What is Recovery" as well for those who don't come to "Newcomers" very much. I want their thoughts too.

Peace,
Ken

yeahgr8

If you look at sobriety without alcoholism and imagining that we sudenly became allergic to alcohol it would be much the same scenario. Gone would be the release of going out with pals on a Friday night after a bad week and getting too pissed and hangover day on Saturday with a big fry up! Those days are gone. Gone is having a couple of drinks to relax too. If you took a non-alcoholic and put them in the same position they would be having the same problems, what the hell do i do now, how do i make sure i don't become a hermit/recluse, what's my release? etc...

The more time we are sober the more this builds up and it is no wonder that people feel an empty void in their lives or even extreme anger at not being able to do what everyone else does. This is the whole concept of spirituality or, in a non religious way, a complete lifestyle and mind overhaul. Unless we were really lucky and in a vocation, with the perfect partner, great normal friends...our lives need big changes. Take work as an example, maybe we were in a job that we could handle by getting pissed out of heads 5-7 days a week and then dealing with the hangovers, take that away and then the question may arise 'why the **** am i doing this?', this is the case for me at the moment.

I've been 5 months sober and had a lot of time to think, go to counselling, try and change my perspective on things and i know, for myself, this time is the honeymoon period. The real work is coming and it isn't going to be easy changing thought processes of a lifetime in order to adapt to the new lifestyle we are all choosing for ourselves in sobriety. It's a hell of a ride though and is very exciting, scary, confusing, all that we have to do to get to where we want to be is stay sober and be prepared to make big changes. Either that or stop drinking, change nothing and keep our heads down until 6 feet under...but that's not living!

James13

I saw it as a burden at first- accepting reality from being sober. Right now I see it as a great gift, not just being sober, but everything that led me to getting sober, and consequently the change that leads to a happier life all around.

Sobriety more static? Certainly not in my case- my life is much, much more dynamic being sober. I can choose to accept the ups and downs of life, and really, what we call "downs" can be "ups" in retrospect. Finding the true nature of reality is an adventurous journey.

So I really don't think of it as "trying to stay sober" every day, because that would keep me unsober. I see it as trying to find myself through my everyday actions, trying to be a better, changing person- and being sober is prerequisite for doing this. That's the only way I will be able to stay sober.

As far as 'God" it really depends on on we define god. I know there is a power that is greater than myself. If you want to call it "god", then fine, if you want to call it "the way of the universe" (which is what I see), then fine too. Just acknowledging that "what is" may not be "what I want" acknowledges I am not the highest power in my life. Period.

So theist or atheist, it doesn't matter. Reality, the "way things are", is a greater force than ourselves. If it wasn't, we could control everything. But we can't. So we drink or use to compensate for reality- but it always robs us and leaves us as a shell of a person in the end. The only thing that will always be there for us is the power greater than ourselves- the universe, god, the "way things are", or whatever else people want to call it. The only thing that arguing over this terminology does is divide ourselves from one another. And it is just terminology, that's all!

SHawk25

Well I'm only on Day 5.. At first I thought how much life would suck and be boring without drinking..

But the last few days I've been doing alot of reflecting and soul searching. And now I see complete sobriety as a gift, and I look forward to opening it each and every day.

I don't want to be drunk, hungover, careless Steve ever again.. Sober Steve is gonna Rock !!

Dime

Ken,
Thanks for the reminder. For me it has been a gift and one for which I am truly grateful. I don't struggle with the battle of not drinking anymore since I worked the steps. Today my mind equates alcohol with all the bad things that happened to me in my life. Truthfully having one beer would just make me feel lousy and the only way to fix that is to drink a bunch more for a few minutes of that good feeling which were always followed with very long periods of anxiousness even before I became alcoholic.

I can go into clubs where really good bands play where others drink and it doesn't bother me. I do not go anywhere where the primary purpose is drinking. Most of the things that I had to drink to have fun with were not really fun to begin with so I just stopped doing them. Driving completely sober and waking up the next day fresh is too good.

masseyman

I touched on this for me in another thread. Seeing my sobriety as freedom from booze is something that I struggled with a great deal at first, it was a burden....it should be freedom from enslavement.

I had a misstep a couple weeks ago, I was counting days and seemed to be "waiting" for it to happen. It happened. For the past two weeks I have not lived as though I am carrying a burden, waiting for it to crush me...I have felt more free. I'm not counting hours and days, I'm just living sober. This glimpse of new freedom has made each day so much richer for me. This apparently is what I needed to help me see.

"....some wear sobriety like a straight jacket.....some wear it like loose comfortable clothing..." This quote from a friend has become very important to me, to be free and move forward in my life wearing my sobriety not as shackels but as a new garment that allows me to relax and walk ahead with a new anticipation of better and better things to come.

Fubarcdn

For me it is neither a burden or a gift. It is yet another change in lifestyle. What it is is what is.
If it were a burden I would just drink. It is as simple as that.
I don't consider it a gift either anymore than I would consider not eating donuts a gift. Alcohol and donuts are the same to me they are things that I like but are bad for me in excess so I don't partake in them. I enjoyed my drinking at the bars lifestyle but it isn't something I miss. It is just a past phase of my life that I left because it wasn't good for my marriage and I crave the love of my wife more than any substance.
It is all practicality for me.

smacked

I see it as a gift.. I wouldn't be the person I am today without having drug my feet through the hell I have, and now I can really live!

KenL

James that is exactly how I feel. Sobriety is not static and nor should it be, for all of us. It would be ideal for us to live life as though we were meant to be more than what sobriety stands for, abstinence. It means dealing with the things you mentioned and choosing to either let them get under our skin or not. And I totally agree with the downs can be ups. Especially when I don't have to worry about sobriety adding to the mix. It's just life! (Not to diminish life.) I also really like the idea of "trying to stay sober every day because that would keep me unsober". Exactly again, for me at least, sobriety and thinking about keeping sobriety gets in the way of my every day living. It's like a hangover that never ends but drinking is not the cause of it.

Now, I understand the legitimate physiology of addiction. I know there are those who deal with other legitimate maladies. I understand the idea of genetics and its' relation to these things and I don't intend to belittle that science. But there is something more. More than what science can explain. You James touched on it, a power greater than ourselves. But I am not here to espouse religion or spirituality. I just think that there is a boundary that needs to be crossed in order to really call oneself free. Free of addiction, free of guilt, free of shame, free of whatever it is that keeps someone down, free of the hangover that never ends.

I think that people need to try and find that boundary and leap across. It may be a change in how they identify themselves or it may be something else. In my case it was a change in identity. The man I used to be is no more, though I see glimpses of him from time to time. But once I shed that identity, drinking was easier to stop. Right now I call myself a work in progress, the father of my kids, my cat's owner, a guy who doesn't drink. I try to leave all the bad memories and stuff behind cuz that's just living in the past.

KenL

Yes exactly Jon, and that is the boundary I speak of. Whatever it was for you, you apparently have found it. And so has James and Fubar. It may not be the same for all of us, but I think that each one of us has that boundary. We just need to "see" where that boundary lies as you say. Once we find it we can leap across.

Not to leave out the others who have posted because they are all great posts.

tellus

Can I check the "none of the above" box?

I mean, my sobriety is the best thing in my life, no doubt about that. But in my mind it's not a gift but a choice. It's something I'm immensely proud of. It's also a pain: I can't do some of the things that normal kids my age do. I don't dwell on that part, because it's neither relevant nor healthy. But it's not a burden, because my life is exponentially better than it was before I got sober. Nor is it a gift, because it wasn't just plopped down on my head--it's an accomplishment, and one that I have to maintain throughout my life. As Fubar said, it is what it is.

doorknob

For me, "neither".

freya

THE PROMISES

-If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. - pp. 83-84 Alcoholics Anonymous

Sounds like quite a gift to me!

I guess I see it like this -- the gifts of recovery are things that we "get," not because we deserve them or are owed them, but simply because we "show up" and demonstrate our openness and our willingness to receive them by doing certain things, taking certain actions, trying to live a certain kind of life, etc... Personally, I do this within the context of working a 12 Step Program -- but I certainly don't believe that that is the only way that it can be done.

What I do believe is that the gift of real recovery and the ability to experience one's recovery as a gift comes from working one's recovery, not just on the physical level, but also on the emotional and spiritual levels. If one tries to give up one's drug-or-obsession of choice but does not do anything to effectively address the self-centeredness and the emotional & spiritual wounding/isolation that that drug-or-obsession masked and medicated, then it only makes sense that one would experience one's "non-using" state (which, IMO, should never be equated with "sobriety" or "recovery") as a terribly painful (and probably, ultimately, unbearable) burden.

freya

Mariposa18

I agree with Tellus, I don't see it as a gift or a burden, but a choice. And yep it is what it is =)

James13

Yes! Crossing that boundary you speak of is freedom. I think we all have our own boundary, and the work is not done after crossing over into freedom. The means to get to an enlightenment (if you want to call it that), the destination, and living beyond getting there are one in the same, woven in the same cloth. Whether it's spiritual or not depends on what one wants to call it. Its all relative.

This change in identity you speak of has affected so many parts of my life thus far. Some of this change is conscious change, and some of it just happens because of the conscious change- but for me it all starts with trying to be conscious all the time, looking into things deeply.

And yes, bad memories I have dealt with. I have been ashamed of that person I was. But everything is in constant flux and change- and so are we if we live with the flow of what is. I was always trying to swin upstream, clinging to things to get there. Now I just try to go with the flow of things, and I can only steer it somewhat, but the overall direction is not in my power to control.

Thanks!

KenL

Of course you can! Don't ya see, that's exactly my point. You have to find that which works for you. The gift may be a gift you give yourself through hard work or it may be a gift from something greater than yourself. There are tools to use for our own individual sobriety. There are as many ways to achieve sobriety as there are personalities. For some it's a gift for others it's something achieved. The list goes on and on.

But when I think of those who do find it a burden I am reminded of Plato's image of the cave. Nobody can make anyone believe in something they don't see. Nobody can turn someone else's fake reality into true reality. The person has to somehow smash their chain and then walk out of the cave to see the light of day. The chain is analogous to the boundary I keep referring to.

The boundary I speak of is also as varied as there are personalities. There isn't one thing that is going to work for everyone. But if people can find their own way to achieve sobriety and live with it as though their sobriety was non-existent, not a burden, then they have succeeded. By non-existent I certainly don't mean that they are drinking. It's as some of the posts have already stated and that includes Mariposas'.....it just is what it is. It's nothing special, it's just life without alcohol. IMO. It becomes an integral part of who we identify ourselves as being. You can feel good about it or proud or whatever, it's yours to do with as you please. It belongs to you and no one else.

paulmh

Good thread.

Certainly I went through many periods when stopping drinking was somthing I "should" do, then something I "must" do. Those times it was a burden and they always ended with me putting down the burden and picking up the drink.

Eventually I drank enough and suffered enough so that the whole thing became a "choice" - between life and death. But my opinion only - I think that I had to have one of those "moments of clarity", one of those times when I saw eveything about my life and what I had become with something approaching complete honesty, so that that "choice" wasn't a simple - and ultimately useless - intellectual excercise, but was about the "whole" me - the intellectual, the instinctive, the emotional - and that emotive word again, the spiritual. I had to see that I was the problem - not the world, or other people, or G*d or whatever, but me. I know a lot of people choose to misinterpret this as another act of violence against ourselves - but it is the necessary starting point for recovery - and it is also terrifically liberating. If the problem is me, rather than anything else - and the only thing I have control over and responsibility for is me - then the solution to the problem is within my power. And discovering that is a gift.

Rusty Zipper

for me, its a Blessing

whew!

mikel60

My sobriety is one of the most fantastic, awesome , wonderful things that has ever taken place in my life. But for me it is not a gift (and most certainly not a burden). Its been earned through hard work, dedication to principles and practices that direct my life, and through striving constantly to become a better person.

Constant vigilance. Awesome results.

Nice thread, Ken.

least

For me, sobriety is a gift. I've got my life back and it's so much better a life sober than when I was drinking. I've got my family's trust back, especially my kids, and that's a gift in itself. It's also a gift that I don't have to live 'that way' anymore. I don't have to wake up feeling awful and regretting my actions. I don't have to always feel guilty or ashamed. I'm getting my life back and enjoying it - finally.