This really cheeses me off.
jimbo
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: london berks England
Posts: 426
maybe the guy is terrified that he will drink again
i am determined never to drink agian
but when i go round my gf's house and go to get a coke out of the fridge
i see all those beers with that dew running down the cans
boy does it make my mouth water
same as her bottle of jack d in the cupboard
i am determined never to drink agian
but when i go round my gf's house and go to get a coke out of the fridge
i see all those beers with that dew running down the cans
boy does it make my mouth water
same as her bottle of jack d in the cupboard
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
What he is going through is totally commonplace, it will pass, or it usually does, some members get stuck in that preachy phase forever, personally I find them tedious in the extreme.
A few suggestions if you care to read further:
Suggest to him if he is actively working his own program he has so many character defects he will be too busy working on those to work anyone else's program or take anyone else's inventory, and that no one ever got sober by working someone else's program or taking other people's inventory and that AA suggests he keep to his own inventory.
Suggest he read the Big book, such as the following passage:
Mention to him that this is the only place in the Big Book that uses the word stupidity. Tell him to stop being stupid. That he will never be able to help anyone if he alienates them. tell him AA works with 'Attraction not Promotion" and if he sincerely wants to be helpful he be an example of sobriety, and what sobriety can bring to your life, not a preacher that just alienates people from AA.
Give him a hug and tell him that you love him but that it's time for him to grow up, that you don't care to be preached to anymore.
That being said, this is a recovery forum actually called "Alcoholism", where people come to find recovery for their alcoholism, I'm not going to come to your bar and preach to you about God and temperance, so please don't come to a alcoholism/recovery forum and talk about your drinking, you're doing the same thing he is in a way, and you mentioned how much you don't like it, we don't either, it's neither cute nor clever.
There is a sub-forum here called 'Friends and Family" of Alcoholics that is specifically for friends and family, maybe you can find what you are looking for there.
BB 1st ed
A few suggestions if you care to read further:
Suggest to him if he is actively working his own program he has so many character defects he will be too busy working on those to work anyone else's program or take anyone else's inventory, and that no one ever got sober by working someone else's program or taking other people's inventory and that AA suggests he keep to his own inventory.
Suggest he read the Big book, such as the following passage:
We are careful never to show intolerance or hatred of drinking as an institution. Experience shows that such an attitude is not helpful to anyone. Every new alcoholic looks for this spirit among us and is immensely relieved when he finds we are not witchburners. A spirit of intolerance might repel alcoholics whose lives could have been saved, had it not been for such stupidity. We would not even do the cause of temperate drinking any good, for not one drinker in a thousand likes to be told anything about alcohol by one who hates it.
Give him a hug and tell him that you love him but that it's time for him to grow up, that you don't care to be preached to anymore.
my boy friend likes scotch rocks, I like bloody Mary's with brunch, but if my b/f quit drinking and got preachy with me, I'd drop his butt lickety split.
If I quit, I'd never tell somebody else how to live their life.
Live and let live.
If I quit, I'd never tell somebody else how to live their life.
Live and let live.
There is a sub-forum here called 'Friends and Family" of Alcoholics that is specifically for friends and family, maybe you can find what you are looking for there.
BB 1st ed
Last edited by Ago; 07-30-2009 at 10:17 AM.
Disposable Hero
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Being, ME
Posts: 3,758
If you've known him for fifteen years, then you know him better than i do.
i will not judge anyone's recovery, especially when it's second hand news.
If you came here to vent and find people who agree with your point of
view, good luck with that and i hope you find what you came here for.
i will not judge anyone's recovery, especially when it's second hand news.
If you came here to vent and find people who agree with your point of
view, good luck with that and i hope you find what you came here for.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: The Redneck South! :)
Posts: 291
Originally Posted by baldjim 
when i go round my gf's house and go to get a coke out of the fridge
i see all those beers with that dew running down the cans
boy does it make my mouth water
same as her bottle of jack d in the cupboard
i see all those beers with that dew running down the cans
boy does it make my mouth water
same as her bottle of jack d in the cupboard
And I'm with Carol on this one...
I mean, I understand your frustration, val, but come on...
We're all trying to get better here and some of us (myself included) are in the very early stages of recovery..
And, for myself at least, it's not very encouraging to hear that someone who took the same steps that I'm attempting is coming across as 'self righteous'...
Please don't take my comments wrongly, because I do really understand that it would be frustrating as hell to be incorrectly accused of being an alcoholic.
Hell, it's even frustrating to be accused when you ARE an alcoholic (before you admit it yourself)!
Just maybe this wasn't the best place in the world to vent about that particular topic.
Ya know?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Southern Colorado
Posts: 1,167
To the OP, I empathize with you and your friend on this new journey.
He must have quit for some reason; may have been for personal reasons or may have been something to do with lack of control. That's sort of for him to find out and his business. If he's a real alcoholic, he may be in the right place.
But in any case, he's new and likely to need to settle down in his recovery a bit; aka work the steps. A lot of people have a lot of misconceptions about what A.A. is and what it's not. For me, it doesn't provide me with the motivation to get and stay sober. Nor does it give me a right to preach and try to reform the world. But I did just this when I had my first taste of sobriety and the fellowship. You have a tendency to want to relate to those close to you... to give away this thing... perhaps whether they need it or not.
I know there's a lot of people out there who can control and enjoy their drinking. Hats off to them. My wife is one of them. Even if she was a potential hard drinker, it's her business to find her path.
You may miss your old friend the way he was a bit and he surely feels uncomfortable... being sort of a fish out of water and all.
I have no problems going to Coors Tavern for a chili slopper or a grinder or whatever. I go there and order a Sierra Mist, not an Old Style or a Canadian Mist. Pretty simple deal, actually.
He must have quit for some reason; may have been for personal reasons or may have been something to do with lack of control. That's sort of for him to find out and his business. If he's a real alcoholic, he may be in the right place.
But in any case, he's new and likely to need to settle down in his recovery a bit; aka work the steps. A lot of people have a lot of misconceptions about what A.A. is and what it's not. For me, it doesn't provide me with the motivation to get and stay sober. Nor does it give me a right to preach and try to reform the world. But I did just this when I had my first taste of sobriety and the fellowship. You have a tendency to want to relate to those close to you... to give away this thing... perhaps whether they need it or not.
I know there's a lot of people out there who can control and enjoy their drinking. Hats off to them. My wife is one of them. Even if she was a potential hard drinker, it's her business to find her path.
You may miss your old friend the way he was a bit and he surely feels uncomfortable... being sort of a fish out of water and all.
I have no problems going to Coors Tavern for a chili slopper or a grinder or whatever. I go there and order a Sierra Mist, not an Old Style or a Canadian Mist. Pretty simple deal, actually.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
People, places and things...wow he has got a full house!
Sounds to me that he is scared of losing old friends from his old life, guess he wants you to come with him which you can't and should not do. The friendship will naturally grow further apart over time or not, i wouldn't worry about any drastic action on your part. If you are really a friend then just have a word and tell him you don't want to change anything in your life and you are happy with who you are and your choices, and that you are happy for him but please cut all the preaching out as it makes you feel uncomfortable.
Be patient and maybe read up on his illness, hope it works out for everyone!
Sounds to me that he is scared of losing old friends from his old life, guess he wants you to come with him which you can't and should not do. The friendship will naturally grow further apart over time or not, i wouldn't worry about any drastic action on your part. If you are really a friend then just have a word and tell him you don't want to change anything in your life and you are happy with who you are and your choices, and that you are happy for him but please cut all the preaching out as it makes you feel uncomfortable.
Be patient and maybe read up on his illness, hope it works out for everyone!
jimbo
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: london berks England
Posts: 426
Originally Posted by debs
Gawd.... I know.... sucks doesn't it. :/
And I'm with Carol on this one...
I mean, I understand your frustration, val, but come on...
We're all trying to get better here and some of us (myself included) are in the very early stages of recovery..
And, for myself at least, it's not very encouraging to hear that someone who took the same steps that I'm attempting is coming across as 'self righteous'...
Please don't take my comments wrongly, because I do really understand that it would be frustrating as hell to be incorrectly accused of being an alcoholic.
Hell, it's even frustrating to be accused when you ARE an alcoholic (before you admit it yourself)!
Just maybe this wasn't the best place in the world to vent about that particular topic.
Ya know?
And I'm with Carol on this one...
I mean, I understand your frustration, val, but come on...
We're all trying to get better here and some of us (myself included) are in the very early stages of recovery..
And, for myself at least, it's not very encouraging to hear that someone who took the same steps that I'm attempting is coming across as 'self righteous'...
Please don't take my comments wrongly, because I do really understand that it would be frustrating as hell to be incorrectly accused of being an alcoholic.
Hell, it's even frustrating to be accused when you ARE an alcoholic (before you admit it yourself)!
Just maybe this wasn't the best place in the world to vent about that particular topic.
Ya know?
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
Assume on the other hand that father has, at the outset, a stirring spiritual experience. Overnight, as it were, he is a different man. He becomes a religious enthusiast. He is unable to focus on anything else. As soon as his sobriety begins to be taken as a matter of course, the family may look at their strange new dad with apprehension, then with irritation. There is talk about spiritual matters morning, noon and night. He may demand that the family find God in a hurry, or exhibit amazing indifference to them and say he is above worldly considerations. He may tell mother, who has been religious all her life, that she doesn't know what it's all about, and that she had better get his brand of spirituality while there is yet time.
If the family cooperates, dad will soon see that he is suffering from a distortion of values. He will perceive that his spiritual growth is lopsided, that for an average man like himself, a spiritual life which does not include his family obligations may not be so perfect after all. If the family will appreciated that dad's current behavior is but a phase of his development, all will be well. In the midst of an understanding and sympathetic family, these vagaries of dad's spiritual infancy will quickly disappear.
After I read your post, these passages from the Big Book came to mind. Your friend may very well be having a spiritual awakening (through working the steps) which I think is awesome!
At first, I made my wife sick with all the AA/Spirituality/12 Step talk. I was excited and wanted to share about my new life. It levels off in time (the talking, NOT the new life).
Your friend may never be the same as before and that's a great thing.
Best wishes to both of you.
BB quote from the 1st ed. of the BB.
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