This really cheeses me off.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: chicago
Posts: 9
This really cheeses me off.
Greetings.
I have a friend, let's call him Carl, I have known Carl for the past fifteen years or so.
Nothing romantic, just a buddy.
Anyway, Carl has been sober for a bout 3 months now since he made a fool out of himself at a Memorial Day outdoor event and has been doing the 12 steps.
Lately, he has changed.
Last Friday, my best friend Angella and her boyfriend and I were at the local bar and grill just relaxing.
About 45 minutes after we were there, Carl came by to pick up a grinder, and left, upon leaving he gave me a strange glare.
I thought nothing about it until he approached me after church services on Sunday.
He started telling me I have a drinking problem (which I don't) and I really should go to the 12 step meeting with him because I may be an alcoholic, etc. etc. etc.
I was all like, whoa, where is this all coming from, just because you saw me at the bar and grill after work on a Friday doesn't make me an alcoholic......
I mean we grew up in the North End of Chicago, where virtually everybody on Michigan Ave on the Miracle Mile drinks, that doesn't make us all alcoholics.
But any way, lately Carl has been all sorts of preachy, like my way works, yours doesn't, you have to conform, that sort of thing.
If you want to climb up on your dais and preach, I am all for that, but just because one has a drinking problem and is getting help, doesn't mean that everybody else does and has to do the same.
I don't mean to criticize the 12 step progam, I am sure it works for plenty of you, and God Bless you all for that, but some of them are like the rabid Born again Christians, my way or no way at all.
I am seriously thinking about cutting off Carl as a friend.
I have a friend, let's call him Carl, I have known Carl for the past fifteen years or so.
Nothing romantic, just a buddy.
Anyway, Carl has been sober for a bout 3 months now since he made a fool out of himself at a Memorial Day outdoor event and has been doing the 12 steps.
Lately, he has changed.
Last Friday, my best friend Angella and her boyfriend and I were at the local bar and grill just relaxing.
About 45 minutes after we were there, Carl came by to pick up a grinder, and left, upon leaving he gave me a strange glare.
I thought nothing about it until he approached me after church services on Sunday.
He started telling me I have a drinking problem (which I don't) and I really should go to the 12 step meeting with him because I may be an alcoholic, etc. etc. etc.
I was all like, whoa, where is this all coming from, just because you saw me at the bar and grill after work on a Friday doesn't make me an alcoholic......
I mean we grew up in the North End of Chicago, where virtually everybody on Michigan Ave on the Miracle Mile drinks, that doesn't make us all alcoholics.
But any way, lately Carl has been all sorts of preachy, like my way works, yours doesn't, you have to conform, that sort of thing.
If you want to climb up on your dais and preach, I am all for that, but just because one has a drinking problem and is getting help, doesn't mean that everybody else does and has to do the same.
I don't mean to criticize the 12 step progam, I am sure it works for plenty of you, and God Bless you all for that, but some of them are like the rabid Born again Christians, my way or no way at all.
I am seriously thinking about cutting off Carl as a friend.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
I don't mean to criticize the 12 step progam, I am sure it works for plenty of you, and God Bless you all for that, but some of them are like the rabid Born again Christians, my way or no way at all.
So forget the 12 step thing... Carl needs a long talk with his sponsor, or he needs to seek counseling....
I dunno, but I am almost 11 months sober... I would not be stopping at a bar and grill where my drinkin' buddies hang out to get a grinder... I mean, aside from seeing who was there, why do that? Go to Subway... ya know... hmmm
Mark
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
I mean we grew up in the North End of Chicago, where virtually everybody on Michigan Ave on the Miracle Mile drinks, that doesn't make us all alcoholics.
But any way, lately Carl has been all sorts of preachy, like my way works, yours doesn't, you have to conform, that sort of thing.
Maybe the guy is just overbearing and preachy by nature.
I hope you don't blame his behavior on AA because that is not how AA works.
One of the important tenants of AA is that it operates by joiners and not by recruiting. It sounds like the guy just has it wrong.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Milton, WI
Posts: 105
That is a common thing for people in early sobriety(two years in my mind)... this will pass in time for most people.
Can you support you friend as he moves through all his emotional baggage in the program? The first 2 years are in some ways the most challenging and many many people never make it beyond that. With support and understanding, one has a better chance.
Much love and light to you,
~Cheryl
Can you support you friend as he moves through all his emotional baggage in the program? The first 2 years are in some ways the most challenging and many many people never make it beyond that. With support and understanding, one has a better chance.
Much love and light to you,
~Cheryl
problem with authority
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 870
When I think of how many human beings are in A.A., it seems unlikely that there wouldn't be people like this, but as others have said this is not what the A.A. program is about. It is not a temperance movement, and A.A. does not diagnose anyone as alcoholic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: chicago
Posts: 9
I didn't mean to criticize AA, I know it changed many peoples lives for the better, maybe I misrepresented my point, I was trying to convey ever since 'Carl' joined the 12 step program he's been self righteous all of a sudden, but like one person said, those begginning the program get like that sometimes.
Rockstar
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wales, UK
Posts: 634
I know where you'r coming from tho, I have a friend who's recently converted to being vegan and preaches I shouldn't be eating meat *rolls eyes* my answer was to order a steak rare when we went to dinner 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: chicago
Posts: 9
I like your auto signature.
It's like some Born again Christians that used to do drugs and steal and such, then they find God all of a sudden and keep bugging you to turn your life over to Christ.
It's like some Born again Christians that used to do drugs and steal and such, then they find God all of a sudden and keep bugging you to turn your life over to Christ.
Rockstar
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wales, UK
Posts: 634
Originally Posted by valeriec 
I like your auto signature.
It's like some Born again Christians that used to do drugs and steal and such, then they find God all of a sudden and keep bugging you to turn your life over to Christ.
It's like some Born again Christians that used to do drugs and steal and such, then they find God all of a sudden and keep bugging you to turn your life over to Christ.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: chicago
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by Sikkisirus
Weird guy. Id have no time for someone labelling me. I mean :wtf2
my boy friend likes scotch rocks, I like bloody Mary's with brunch, but if my b/f quit drinking and got preachy with me, I'd drop his butt lickety split.
If I quit, I'd never tell somebody else how to live their life.
Live and let live.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
valeriec.....
You took the trouble to join a recovery site
to complain about a newly sober man you are
not really close to?
Gee....that is a little drastic don't you think?
Hope you find a way to enjoy your life
whatever you choose to do. Best of luck
You took the trouble to join a recovery site
to complain about a newly sober man you are
not really close to?
Gee....that is a little drastic don't you think?
Hope you find a way to enjoy your life
whatever you choose to do. Best of luck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: chicago
Posts: 9
I have known him 15 years, since our teens.
I wanted a forum like this to vent in to get the recovery peoples point of view since I have never seen such a personality change like this in my life.
I wanted a forum like this to vent in to get the recovery peoples point of view since I have never seen such a personality change like this in my life.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Everyone's sobriety and recovery journey is different. Many people get sober and still have a lot of resentments in life.
I don't use a 12 step program as part of my recovery, but I do know that if he's working the program, he's not representing AA in the least.
I do know, that when I quit drinking I let go of my friends who drank as their only social outlet, they had no position in my life anymore as I was trying to find new and healthier things to do, and get rid of toxicity. Most of those friends had no interest in pursuing sober activities with me, and therefore I had no interest in them anymore, as they clearly weren't friends.
That being said, why he goes to the local bar for food when there's other places around, I don't know. Maybe he's stuck.. maybe he's struggling.. I hope that he makes some new sober friends in AA that can steer him in a healthier and positive direction.
I don't use a 12 step program as part of my recovery, but I do know that if he's working the program, he's not representing AA in the least.
I do know, that when I quit drinking I let go of my friends who drank as their only social outlet, they had no position in my life anymore as I was trying to find new and healthier things to do, and get rid of toxicity. Most of those friends had no interest in pursuing sober activities with me, and therefore I had no interest in them anymore, as they clearly weren't friends.
That being said, why he goes to the local bar for food when there's other places around, I don't know. Maybe he's stuck.. maybe he's struggling.. I hope that he makes some new sober friends in AA that can steer him in a healthier and positive direction.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 384
I had something similar happen once...
a long time friend of mine (who had recently quit drinking & was in AA) came into the bar I was in one night & started getting on my case about my drinking and that I should be going to AA. She was NOT a welcome guest at the table that night! LOL
She is now back to drinking, and I have quit... life is full of twists & turns
In hindsight, I can see she meant well.... she was extremely enthusiastic about her new-found sobriety & wanted others to experience the same. At the time, what she did felt like a very unwanted intrusion of my evening... but I can see now is that she wanted to share her new knowledge of a better life.... and bless her heart, she wanted to share that with me... now there is a true friend
Maybe give your friend a bit of slack... you've been friends for a long time, don't let something like this come between you two. He is going through a life-altering experience right now... it will take time for all that to settle down & for him to stand on solid ground again... right now he's in the zone of wanting to heal himself & everybody he knows!
In a kind & gentle way let him know what boundaries you don't want crossed. Your friendship might need a bit of space for awhile until he settles into being comfortable in his own sober skin & learns how to interact with others on a new level that he's not used to. For those of us that drank all our adult lives, we have to totally relearn how to socialize with others again...this time without the crutch of alcohol.
Sobriety is his new shiny toy that he wants to show off to everyone, so that they will want one too
a long time friend of mine (who had recently quit drinking & was in AA) came into the bar I was in one night & started getting on my case about my drinking and that I should be going to AA. She was NOT a welcome guest at the table that night! LOL
She is now back to drinking, and I have quit... life is full of twists & turns
In hindsight, I can see she meant well.... she was extremely enthusiastic about her new-found sobriety & wanted others to experience the same. At the time, what she did felt like a very unwanted intrusion of my evening... but I can see now is that she wanted to share her new knowledge of a better life.... and bless her heart, she wanted to share that with me... now there is a true friend
Maybe give your friend a bit of slack... you've been friends for a long time, don't let something like this come between you two. He is going through a life-altering experience right now... it will take time for all that to settle down & for him to stand on solid ground again... right now he's in the zone of wanting to heal himself & everybody he knows!
In a kind & gentle way let him know what boundaries you don't want crossed. Your friendship might need a bit of space for awhile until he settles into being comfortable in his own sober skin & learns how to interact with others on a new level that he's not used to. For those of us that drank all our adult lives, we have to totally relearn how to socialize with others again...this time without the crutch of alcohol.
Sobriety is his new shiny toy that he wants to show off to everyone, so that they will want one too
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 384
Originally Posted by valeriec
I have known him 15 years, since our teens.
I wanted a forum like this to vent in to get the recovery peoples point of view since I have never seen such a personality change like this in my life.
I wanted a forum like this to vent in to get the recovery peoples point of view since I have never seen such a personality change like this in my life.
take a step back & look at this miracle that is happening to your friend...
right in front of your eyes! I wish him all the best on his journey of self-discovery.... you should too!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Houston
Posts: 309
I wouldn't cut a guy off as a friend for something like that, but that's jmho.
My bet would be he means well, but from what you've said, he's out of line and over the top. Maybe tell him you appreciate the concern, but you don't think you have a problem with alcohol.
Choosing sobriety is a pretty big deal, odds are he's excited for himself, as he should be.
My bet would be he means well, but from what you've said, he's out of line and over the top. Maybe tell him you appreciate the concern, but you don't think you have a problem with alcohol.
Choosing sobriety is a pretty big deal, odds are he's excited for himself, as he should be.
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