SexyCeloryStick

Not to get into marital problems on here, but ill keep this as breif as I can.

I was drunk an entire year before I told my wife. This explained every single night that I was acting weird and out of it to her during my blackouts. When I told her about my year of nothing, she was shocked and couldnt believe that she didnt realize that the stumbling mess that she married was an alcoholic.

Now, going on 7 weeks sober, I couldnt help but notice that we are more distant than ever. We are always fighting, never happy, and I catch myself avoiding her to prevent the arguing. I dont know what it is, but I honestly believe that she looks for the fights. Things that I used to do when we were dating for 6 years, are no longer cute & unique. The things I do now annoy her because during my drunken year, apparently I did the same stuff to an overboard extent.

Just the other day we went out to eat at a pizza place where you can draw on the table with crayons. We are doing this for 40 minutes. She blatantly looks at the waitress and cocks a tone "JESUS THIS PLACE IS SLOW". She knows I hate it when people do stuff like that, (its not the waitresses fault) so I tell her to knock it off. Immediatly, her attitude turns on me and says "DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO, YOU ARE JUST PISSING ME OFF".

This is so sudden, and out of no where it puts another good night with her in the toilet. I try to jokingly lighten the mood by writing 'grumpy' on the table and drawing an arrow at her.(maybe not the best idea, but it was with good intention). She looks up at me, grabs my crayon, breaks it and throws it at me in the middle of the restaurant. You can just imagine how good it was eating in silence when our food finally came.

We get home, I basically tell her that it has happened again. Another night gone completely upside down and ruined, which puts us both in a funk the entire night. I am not happy, she is not happy, and I told her that we need to stop kidding ourselves. I said we needed counseling or this marraige wont work. I get up and leave the room for about an hour to return and she is not there. I sit and am just staring blankly at the tv. she comes down and she finally starts talking to me.

She said that she is still very very VERY angry at me for being drunk an entire year before we got married. She said it is hard to even look at me w/o exploding into anger the way she does. She continued to say that she feels bad for being mad at me since its a serious problem, but she cant help herself. She says that being sober a month doesnt fix the year of hell I put on her.

What are your thoughts? I mean I cant take what I did back, and with her blowing up in anger like this every so often, I can honestly say thats not who I want to be married to.

Dee74

7 weeks is still pretty early, Celory - just as you're adjusting to your sobriety, so is your wife - and she has to deal with the fact of that whole year beforehand.

I hurt the people I loved - I found I couldn't put a timetable on when my relationships would heal - and some took much longer than I wanted....

all I could do was commit myself to recovery, and hope to show by that action I was sincere and regretful.

Give it time.

I don't know if you do AA, but I think your wife might gain something out of AlAnon.

D

Jules62

Well-you asked for thoughts so here's mine.I'm not sure you'll like them but here goes...

You're surprised your wife is angry?You lied to her before she married you.She is not a mind reader-she didn't know you were drinking.You dated her 6 years prior to this and never thought(knowing her) that she might be a little bit upset about this sudden confession you decided to make?

What were you expecting?A parade? 'Cos you were 'finally' honest?!

You're 7 weeks sober and lied to her for an entire year?Of COURSE she's angry and she has every right to be.

You thought writing 'grumpy' with an arrow would lighten the mood?LOL.Be grateful you're not married to me.That crayon would've ended up somewhere you don't want to think about.

You took her out for pizza?!!It should've been The Ritz and frankly?You should be incredibly grateful she hasn't left you by now.

I'm sorry-I know this is harsh.But you sound so incredibly self absorbed.Do you realise the impact of your drinking and lying to her?You do not have the right to tell her how she should feel.You have to earn her trust again and her respect.You have 7 weeks after a year of dishonesty.You don't get respect back that quickly and for you to expect it is unreasonable and arrogant.

I know you won't like this and I'm sorry if it hurts.But really-take a good look at the damage you've done here and stop blaming her.

Jules.

catch-22

I think you two should try MC...

baldjim

two things here that i think i can cast my humble opinion on

first well done to you giving up the drink give yourself a pat on the back

second thing is when i stopped drinking i noticed my partner really seemed to be picking fights with me all the time ,i think this was because she did not believe i was going to stay sober and was trying to do things that would of got my sorry ass out of the door and into the nearest bar

second thing is ,maybe you are missing your budds from the bar and bored and you are trying to talk to her after ignoring her for a year and she has the hump about it

i found the crayon thing really funny but to be honest if i'd of done that to my partner i would of ended up at the nearest hospital having said crayon surgically removed from an orifice somewhere

CarolD

Well...
I used to be a waitress. Your wife was correct.
Instead of drawing Grumpy..you should have complained
to the manager. You did not back up your wife.

Waiting 40 minutes before a pizza is ready is not
acceptable to me either.
I would have canceled the order and left

However....the fact that the 2 of you are unhappy is
the issue. I think counseling is a good
plan......perhaps both separate and couples.

Hope the 2 of you can work together soon

Waterman

Marriage trouble really sucks! That's probably the main reason I drank, but don't go back to that, whatever you do.........

Gypsy Feet

If my husband EVER told me to knock it off Id kill him dead!!

You guys may benefit from counseling, she might find answers through al anon. Unfortunately, she may not want to do either.

I find that something in my marriage just got extra super broke, and all the kings horses don't seem to matter. My husband was a severe drunk, and I was a daily drinker. We both quit 6 months ago. I wish sometimes that sobriety would have fixed us, but he wont do counseling, and my heart is just not in it anymore.

7 weeks isn't very long to either heal, or to show her you won't go right back at it though, so there is still hope.

Good luck

marty888

Patience is something us alcoholics are not good at. I know its something I have needed to work on. You cant expect to earn trust in just 7 weeks, Sorry but i found the Grumpy with the arrow kinda funny though

smacked

Thank you Jules.. you just saved me from a whole buncha typing.

SexyC, I bet you'll get some good info if you cross posted this in the F&F forum, they're unfortunately pros at the fallout we cause.

Pinkcuda

How the hell can you drink for a year without her noticing? You had to tell her and now she's mad about something she never realized in the first place???
Tell her that if it makes her happy, you'll be glad to go back to drinking because she obviously liked you better than she does after you quit.
I think PMS is a more likley excuse.

keithj

Have you cleaned up that mess? There is a reason why a sex inventory is part of a thorough 4th step. It's really a relationship inventory. And it's really designed to remove the things from ourselves which block us from being intimate with others.

Your post focuses on her, her, her. The most unselfish thing I ever did to deal with the problems with her, was to take a real honest look at me.

SelfSeeking

Whether she noticed you were blacked out or not, it sure sounds like she noticed you were behaving like an ass. You didn't even bother to ask her what exactly happened while you were drinking yourself into a stupor. That would probably be the first thing to do, in a therapist's office hopefully.

joedris

Dear Stick, I'm going to have to go against the grain here. Your wife is mad because you're an alcoholic and she didn't know it? How did she explain your bizzare behavior for the entire year before you were married? Was her head in the sand? Your drunken behavior apparently didn't bother her too much as she married you. And now that you're trying to stay sober she is suddenly VERY angry?

Your wife has every right to be angry at your behavior when you were drinking. She has no right to be angry at you because you're an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a disease. You didn't ask to be an alcoholic. You had no choice on the matter. Would she be as angry if you were a diabetic?

You're doing something commendable by staying sober. She doesn't see this. All she sees is that you're an alcoholic and she didn't know it. I suspect that she's as angry at herself as she is at you. It seems as if she's taking her anger out at everyone, not just you. Her behavior at the pizza place was childish, and I don't care how long the pizza took to arrive.

You two are in serious need of counseling, both individual and marital. Things are seriously amiss in your relationship which, if not addressed immediately, will spell an end to the marraige.

jamdls

I just don't understand how someone can not know that their partner has a major drinking problem unless that partner also has a drinking problem. Sounds to me like there is a problem here besides your alcohol problem. I hate it when someone I am with is rude to a server as well, it is not the servers doing. counseling can't hurt but you BOTH have to willing.
Good for you on your sobriety.

HLBlue

My 2 centss, youu both couldd use some counseling.

But, as a woman myself. She won'tt admit this either. But, shee is probablly just as angry with herself then she is at you. Because, for overr a year youu weree drinkingg and SHE neverr even noticed!

chip

Hi Celory,
First of all, congrats on 7 weeks. Staying sober is the best thing you could be doing at this point. Other things might clear up, or not....the important thing here is to stay sober.

Our families are tired of our apologies and our excuses. When I drank, I treated the ones I loved like strangers, and strangers like family. Saying "sorry" wasn't enough when I sobered up. The only way I can even begin to make amends to my wife is....to never....ever.....EVER..drink again. The only way I can hope to make our marriage work is to never repeat my past behaviour.

I can relate to your story. My wife was angry at my diseases: Alcoholism and extreme self centered-ness. Quitting drinking was a step in the right direction for me. Staying sober was another solid move. Working on my selfishness was and is not something I like to do....but......I will never be capable of a meaningful relationship with another human being if I don't work on myself.

Some people here are not pro-AA. AA's 12 steps help people get over extreme self centered-ness.

Today, I've been sober for only 3 1/2 years. I've attended AA weekly, and done some things I never thought I'd do.......a moral inventory of me. I've been working on my emotional problems, and guess what? In 3 1/2 years my wife has noticed a difference in me. It didn't happen overnight, and I can't say when things started getting better in our relationship....but...it did happen.

Even if our relationship failed, staying sober is still #1 priority for me. I'm not doing this for her, but for myself. In doing this, however, I have a chance at being a decent husband.
chip

SexyCeloryStick

Thanks for your posts. I know a few of you have said that I ower her more then taking her out for a pizza and such... You have to understand that we go out weekly, and she loves this place. she chose, so we went there. About the grumpy with an arrow thing, it was an inside joke between us, it has been for the past 6 years.

We have been trying to do better the past 2 days, we ended up just taking off on a relaxing vacation. (I am actually in the hotel room on here now while she is showering) Maybe and hopefully this is what we just need. I do have a feeling the fact that I am taking my laptop and still on this forum when I am on a vacation trying to 'get away' doesnt seem all that feasable

whereami

I think that the reason she was upset with you is because now you had a whole year to do what you wanted and you now have kind of an amnesty card. She doesn't really get that option and doesn't want it. She may be really hard on herself and is possibly dissapointed because she believed in you and you dissapointed her. The resteraunt and all other situations are just picking the lint off the sweater so to speak...she is finding ways to vent her frustration at you for being careless with her. See what we sometimes need to see is that when we are doing something for whatever reason we think is justified...it still has an affect on our significant other. You drank and took her for granted, lied and she never got to "punish you" because she loves you and stayed, so now every chance she gets angry it comes out...not that she wants it to, she just might not know what to do with her anger. She may be mad at herself for staying and loves you and just wants everything to be happy and go well. I think counseling would help a lot...

TrainWreckAgain

I have "cross the street" from the Friends and Family side... I hope I am not violating any rules / protocol, since I pretty new here.

Think of it this way... if your wife had a year long affair with someone, and for whatever reason, you were clueless for the entire year. One day, she comes to you and says, "Honey, I have been having this affair. I have seen this other guy every day for the last year. But today, I decided to end it. It is over. I am nevery going back to him." And during that year, she had been distant, rude, non-supportive, made unreasonable demands on you, and basically cut you off emotionally and physically.

It is now 7 weeks later. Would you be giving her a pat on the back and saying... what a great wife you are. You stopped cheating on me. Or would you still be pissed as h***. My guess is that you would be pissed.

You had an affair of sorts... your mistress was alcohol. Yes, it is a disease. But the fact that it is a disease does not lessen the impact on those around you. My AGF got 2 DUI's and totalled my car, which drove, while drunk at 2 in the morning to get more booze. Disease or not, I had a totalled car.

The Big Book refers to the alcoholic as a tornado in the home. I have lived inside the tornado, and I can tell you that for me, it was my own private h***.

The other thing you have to realize is that for year, you lied to your wife every day. Trust is easy to lose and hard to rebuild. You may get the trust back, but it will take as long as it takes... just like it took you as long as it took to make the decision to seek recovery.

I wish you and your wife all the best. It may be that counseling will help you.