ChrisBojangles

I'm sitting here after drinking about 10 rum drinks and scarfing down an unhealthy dinner. Gotta go to work tomorrow afternoon. Check the bottle; do I need to buy more on my way home? Always be prepared. Don't wanna panic if I'm gonna get to the liquor store before they close... That would be disastrous. Disastrous is what I keep doing to myself, I know this but I do it anyway. Why??? Its late and I should be sleeping, either way I won't feel good in the morning. The black bags under my eyes haven't gone away in a long time so I'm used to it. My coworkers are probably beginning to wonder why I'm always sick. This is just one night of many.

siamcat

It's a good question isn't it? We know it's going to be disastrous from the start, otherwise we wouldn't prepare so well. I do the same thing, buy at least a few more than I know I'll need to pass out. The worst feeling in the WORLD (or so I imagine) is running out of alcohol mid-drunk and not being able to get more. But, I could start, maybe, by just challenging that one thought...

"Why would that be horrible anyway? Is fourteen beers really necessary? Will not twelve do it? Wait a minute, if I'm arguing over such large quantities of beer there is something wrong with this picture, maybe I shouldn't drink tonight afterall, what am I expecting from this anyway? What will the outcome be? Where will I be in 12 hours, in 24 hours if I start drinking this now?"

Getting used to asking yourself very basic questions before, and even after you start drinking (but preferably before) can go a long way towards recovery. In any case, we're here for you tomorrow Chris, if you want help assessing what went wrong.

ChrisBojangles

I was off work yesterday. I woke up late because I went out with friends the night before drinking socially, got home around 1am and proceeded to drink till about 4am; even then I was drunk trying to tell myself not to have another one. The next day I was in a fog full of pain from the night before. I went out, nowhere really to go, just had to get out of the house. Returned home around 4pm after picking up more booze. I looked at the clock and told myself "Ok, don't start drinking until at least 5." I kept looking at the clock every few minutes. I knew if I had that first drink too early that when the night came around I would feel ill and would have to drink even more than usual to end the day. I walked around the house; so many things that need to be done but no interest in doing anything else. At 4:40 I wrapped myself up in a small project that kept me buy till almost 6:00. I made my drink at 5:57 and waited for 6:00 before I took a sip. After midnight I had to force myself to stop and go to bed.

No question in my mind that I'm addicted. Even as I write this, I'm about to get ready for work, but can't help thinking about calling into work so I can have another drink. I definitely need help; the fighting with myself about how, when, and where I'm gonna have a drink is torture. It feels good to be able to share this. I'll keep beating myself up; because I have to believe that I'll be able to make the commitment to get sober and start to recover.

flutter

I remember living in that insanity.. the anxiety, guilt..all of it.

You don't have to ever feel this way again! Sure, it's rough, sometimes hell.. I hope that you want sobriety more than that next drink, and soon.

joedris

It's called being powerless over alcohol. And it seems that your life has become unmanageable. Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're a full-blown alcoholic. A few things about this disease: it's chronic (you'll always have it), it's progressive (it gets worse as time goes on, even if you stop drinking), it's a primary disaese (it's caused by alcohol. nothing else causes it) and it's fatal (if you don't stop drinking, it will kill you).

Now that you know all this you have a choice. You can continue drinking and you'll end up either in jail. an asylum w/ Wernikie-Karsikoff syndrome, or dead. Nice selection, huh? Or you can stop drinking. If you want to stop, come on back and we'll suggest ways to do so. Choice is yours, Chris.

barb dwyer

There is a solution.

But you have to make a decision.

Lose your job
(which it sounds may be more probable than even you realize)
then what?

From what you're writing here, hon, you're on a very slippery slope.
Not of drinking -
the out of control part is obvious in every line.

The part that's up in the air right now -
is ...
how it's going to happen?
Will it be you making a choice?
Or will a court make the choice for you?
Maybe your employer?

The decision has to be made, like Carol says...
to decide that one wants to be sober
more than one wants to drink.

We're here when you're ready.

siamcat

I would suggest a weekend detox man, maybe a week, how possible is it to get time off work soon? You seem like you might need more than a weekend to fully get this out of your system. I know it's problematic right now for a lot of people to take time off from work, but what could possibly be more important than this? joedris is right, this will all end badly if you don't seek help. Anyway, it's a great step just coming here and posting about it, that's a start and a lot more than many other people can do. So, you're beginning to take your life back, let us help you finish it ok?

Here's a link to a website that might be able to answer any definition questions you might have about any part of recovery Rehab and Treatment Help | Alcohol Drinking, Drug Addiction, Alcoholic and Alcoholism Help Keep posting...

chip

Hi Chris,
This is serious. The four things that Joedris said about this disease are VERY true. The prognosis for alcoholics who drink is bad.

You are fortunate that you are at a point where you are able to talk about it on this forum. I hope you'll stick with us.

You remind me of myself. I can really relate to the obsession, timing drinking, and "forcing" one self to stop at midnight....been there, done that.

Please consider a medical detox. Please speak with your doctor. Please keep sharing, here or elsewhere. You are not alone. Other people have beaten this disease...it is possible.

How much pain is too much? How far down should I go before I change? Do I want to continue living like this? Do I want to lose my job?

Alcohol is a ruthless tyrant. Alcohol will remove everything that is good from our lives. Alcohol, Chris, wants you dead or near death.

It sounds like you can see the problem. Do you want to live in a solution or in the problem? The problem is drinking. There are no more reasons, only excuses. Please seek help....you deserve so much better.

This is a disease. There is no shame in suffering from a disease. We are fortunate, as alcoholics, that the treatment is effective and simple. Stay away from the first drink. If we can do this, we can arrest the progress of our disease. Abstaining from alcohol is crucial for any alcoholic who wants to live a decent life. To drink is to die.
chip

SexyCeloryStick

I had been that way for years, coming into work all the time with huge bags under my eyes. Half the time I was drinking so heavily, that my eyes were still bloodshot red and I was still feeling heavily buzzed by the time I got to work. Even one time, I was asked if I had been drinking because my breathe smelt of alcohol (yeah, 9 hours after my last drink).

I have gone 2 1/2 weeks sober into work for the first time since I have started working there, and believe me people have noticed a change. I am no longer cranky, not tired, no bags under my eyes, I can concentrate on my work, I dont have a hint of alcohol on my breathe, and I dont take half days or call in sick anymore.

Sad part is, I never noticed the bags under my eyes until about a year into my drinking. I was 22 at the time, and when I woke up in the mornigns I look like a 70 year old man.

ChrisBojangles

Look like a 70 year old man... That strikes a chord. I'm only 32 but have gray hairs popping out everywhere. I know it's a result of how I've been living my life. When I wake up in he morning and see myself in the mirror.. I see a battered and unhealthy old man. Thats when I know it's time for serious change.

CarolD

Ah yes.....the odor of alcohol seeped from my pores.

I often took 3 showers before work.....along with
my breakfast of 2 Screwdrivers ..1 tranquilizer ..
.Visine and Alka-Seltzer.
Scurring to work....head down so no one would think I was a drunk.
Paranoid? Every morning.

My job? A cocltail waitress. ...

I alwyas said if I got fired for my drinking
I would quit drinking.

I did get fired....and was shocked to find out
I could not quit drinking on my own....

I was in an AA meeting that noon.
That was the beginning of my recovery
tho I did return to alcohol after my decision.

Yes....I had to want to quit...more than I wanted to drink.
I so hope you too reach that point.....

ChrisBojangles

I'm back again tonight. It's one of those nights that I worked late and have to get up early for work tomorrow. When these nights come along I go into alcohol overdrive. when I get home I drink heavy and quickly to get the effect and try to pass out early. These are the nights that I drink less amounts than usual. So after a rough morning I usually feel better. However only to return to the bottle after the day is done.

I still am not sober, I've drank more than enough tonight, but I must tell you all that you're responses have given me more hope that I've felt in the past years. I thank you all soooo much. I'm more motivated than ever to find a detox and recovery. To be honest I'm seriously scared but I'm ready... at least when I;m sober I'm ready.

I'm a very responsible person. Other than the hangovers I manage enough control to keep it away from work. No one knows or even suspects of my problem. That I know of. I'll be able to take time off from work for recovery thanks to FMLA. Financially it will be difficult but this is too important. I just need to focus my energy and ambition to finding a recovery solution. My biggest concern is what I'll tell my colleagues? I'd prefer to keep it quiet.

Thanks again.. I will see you all again tomorrow.

Ago

Instead of drinking tomorrow can you go to a meeting instead? just one? ask for help?

The first time I walked through the door of a meeting I don't remember a thing that was said but I remember sitting in a roomful of people just like me for the first time in my life, I went home and read the BB that night, I had the feeling the alcohol problem was solved, I've drank twice since (that was 17 years ago)

just one meeting?

give us one day?

you can always drink after the meeting

sfields141

Sounds like you may have hit your bottom,if you are ready to start your way up again,you may need de-tox help.Try the one day without a drink and seek help. Life is fragile cling to it with all your might. Good luck in you quest.

siamcat

They may not know your exact situation, but believe me they know something's wrong. I used to think I was hiding it well too, it's crap, the only people we're hiding it from is ourselves...

You can always use the sick parent excuse. You could tell them nothing and just imply that it's serious and private. Or, and this is what I would do, you could take your boss aside, explain to him/her your exact situation, tell him/her that you want to keep it quiet, and learn to trust. You'd be surprised at how compassionate and professional people can be when given something straight. It's in their interest for you to get better too, you'll be more productive and more reliable, and it might bring you a lot closer in a lot of ways.

It's completely up to you how you deal with this, but please do deal with it, and let us know how we can help.

Cathy31

There but for the Grace of God go I.

Thanks for the reminder - and remember, there IS a solutioN!!

Cathy31
x

AcceptingChange

"I'm a very responsible person. Other than the hangovers I manage enough control to keep it away from work. No one knows or even suspects of my problem."

You're a high functioning alcoholic. Most alcoholics are. But you're only fooling them, you're not fooling yourself.
You may want to get a tape called "Drinking: A Love Story". The woman was a high functioning worker, and no one at work knew. But she had hundreds of ways to cover herself. But her alcoholism grew and her life got more complicated as she put every waking moment into either being deceitful or trying not to be sick. O yeah, there were the daily 30 minutes of drunken high, followed by the 23 hours of wrenching pain.

I listened to that tape on my way to work for months. It helped me.

Nevertheless

Like Carol says, you have to want to quit drinking more than you want to drink.
Detox might take away the initial craving, but it doesn't stop there. Once you get out you still gotta stay sober. Your only 32, I'm almost 49. MAN I wish I'd quit at your age. You only got one life to live.

jhvw2000

Everybody has given some great advice. Getting a medical detox is a great first step. The 1st one I went through was scary as hell but only 4 days inpatient and I started on a friday and was out sunday night. I only took 2 days off work. In hindsight I wish I would have taken more time to do the residential (which i did 6 months later after relapsing), but at least it will get you clean safely and I'd recommend the 90 meetings in 90 days. If you tell them you just detoxed you'll find ALOT of support.

ChrisBojangles

Thanks everyone.

My alcoholism may be inherent from my family; as I said I always kept that in mind as growing up. But the habitual alcohol use and abuse did not come until I started suffering from a panic disorder. The anti-depressants did not work their magic and I started drinking as a recovery. Years later, the alcohol kinda works, well thats the lie I tell myself.

Here is where the truth lies within... I came here less than a week ago seeking advice and guidance, and nobody here failed to deliver. You all have given me so much hope and motivation. I was driven to find help and get sober. I have not had any panic/anxiety attacks in several years. However the other day at work I suffered what I thought might be a heart attack, after a few hours of measured breathing and relaxation I am pretty sure that I had my first panic attack in years.

It makes sense now... over the last few days I've been so close to the reality of getting sober that it scared me so much that these old feelings of fear came back. I've decided not to succumb to the fears, but I do definitely know that I need a medical detox to start.